Festive Hearts And Kisses (Hope Valley Christmas 2)

14. Jerry

JERRY

Fuck.

That’s the first word that pops into my head. But I can’t say that because Reed’s looking at me like he’s worried about how I’m going to react, and I don’t want him to ever feel like that. Not around me.

So I take a breath and push all my own feelings to the side, because this is about Reed. “That’s amazing news.” I meet his eyes and hope he can read the sincerity in mine, because I mean it, this is great news.

For Reed.

I’m not so sure what it’ll mean for us, but that’s beside the point.

“Is it?” He cocks his head, watching me.

“Isn’t it?” I frown. “Aren’t you happy it’s sold so quickly?”

Hope flares in my chest that maybe he’s as conflicted about this as me, but that’s quickly smothered when he smiles.

“I mean, yeah, obviously. I don’t want to be waiting months for someone to buy it.”

No? Just me hoping for that, then. And I hate myself a little for thinking it, because that’s incredibly selfish. Of course Reed wants his house to sell so he can get on with making this fresh start a reality. Because as much as I like, no love, the idea of him staying here for months, I need to remember that Reed wants his own place. He wants to get settled somewhere permanent, and not stay in my spare room forever.

It’s only been a month.

I thought we’d have longer.

“So,” I say, when he doesn’t add anything more. “When do they want to move in?”

He’s watching me closely, like he’s trying to read me, and good luck with that, because my emotions are all over the place at the minute. “Not sure,” he says eventually. “I guess there’s all the legal shit and whatever else needs to be done these days. I’ll need to talk to my solicitor. It’s not like it’s going to happen overnight, though.” He sends me a pointed look, and oh .

He can read me better than I thought.

I may have overreacted a touch, because he’s right. Selling a house takes time. And nothing will even start to happen until the new year anyway. He’ll be here for another month at least. And he’s still got to find a house of his own.

“You know you can stay here for as long as you want.”

He nods. “Yeah, I know. Thank you.”

“At least you don’t need to find a house straight away, so there’s no chain. You can look at your leisure, take your time.” Take all the time you like.

Reed shifts in his seat, and I know what’s coming. “I’ve already started looking, actually.”

“Oh?” I’m torn between wanting to feel hurt that he’s already looking and being the friend I promised I would be.

Come on, Jerry, you’re better than this.

I shake it off and find a smile for him. “Found anything yet?”

“There’s a couple, but...” He eyes me warily again, and fuck that.

“Want to show me?”

That surprises him. “Really?” His expression brightens, his smile that little bit wider.

And that’s all I need to see, because this is what he needs. Someone to share this with, and that’s what I’m going to be for him right now.

His friend.

I stand, smoothing down my pyjama pants—it’s Sunday, I’m allowed to be lazy today—and set a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll make us some breakfast. Then you can show me all the places you’ve been looking at. If you want?”

He puts his hand on top of mine and squeezes. I don’t miss the way the tension slips from his shoulders. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

So that’s how I spend my Sunday morning, on December twenty-second. Looking at potential properties for Reed to buy. The places he shows me are nice enough, but they’re not my cup of tea. They might be Reeds though, so I choose my words carefully. “Which ones are your favourites?”

He draws his bottom lip between his teeth, flipping through the listings on his phone. “I don’t know. I mean, out of the houses themselves, I probably like this one the most.” He scrolls back to a semi-detached house with a small front garden, but with a drive and a garage.

It looks more modern than the others, and if I had to choose, I’d probably pick that one too. “I like that one.” I glance at him, and he’s frowning, so I give him a nudge. “But...?”

He sighs. “I don’t know...” He meets my eyes, his earlier excitement dulled. “I’ve kind of got used to living here.” He looks back at the screen. “And these houses aren’t...”

They aren’t located in anywhere like Charnwell, that’s for sure. “Have you tried looking at more rural properties, if that’s what you like?”

“Hmm.”

That’s not an answer. I arch an eyebrow and wait. He doesn’t look like he wants to elaborate, but I think I might have an inkling. Reed likes it here. He has friends here, is making new ones all the time. I bite the bullet and just ask. “What about around here? If you want to stay...” I have no idea what the housing market’s like around here, but I wonder if he’s even looked.

His smile turns rueful. “There’s nothing around here that suitable and that I can afford.” He groans and covers his face with his hands. “I like it here, but I can’t stay in your spare room forever, so I need to keep looking.”

Do you?

It’s on the tip of my tongue, the urge to correct him, because he’s wrong. He can stay here for as long as he likes. If that happens to be forever, then that’s okay by me because I don’t want him to leave.

It strikes me then, as I’m sitting on my sofa looking at houses that are all wrong for Reed... I don’t want him to be my lodger anymore.

I want my house to be our house.

I want to come home and smile when I see his car on the drive and the house all lit up. I want to surprise him with dinner when he’s had to go into the office. I want to pretend I don’t notice him stealthily calling for Frank so that he’s not left on his own when we’re all together.

Of course I can’t say any of that.

Not yet.

Not when Reed’s dead set on finding a place of his own.

But maybe if you told him . . . ?

Nope.

Not happening.

But the defeated sigh he lets out as he tosses his phone on the sofa hurts my heart. I don’t like seeing him like this either. So I offer a compromise. One that I can live with, without feeling like a shitty friend.

“Hey.” I reach for his hands and tug him until he’s facing me. “How about this?” I nod to his phone. “Ignore all that for now. You can sell your house without worrying about finding a new one.”

“But—”

I squeeze his fingers. “I meant what I said. There’s no rush for you to move out. None.” He’s still tense and I can’t resist stroking the backs of his hands until some of the tension eases. “Stay with me.” Please . “Enjoy Christmas and the New Year, and in a couple of weeks we can visit some of the areas where those houses are and see for ourselves what they’re like.” Even if it’ll kill me.

His eyes search mine, and I do my best to hide the emotions swirling inside me.

“You’d do that?” he whispers, those sea-blue eyes far too perceptive and I have to look away as I answer.

“Of course I would.” I look back when I add then next bit, because I don’t need to hide the truth of it. “I just want you to be happy, Reed.”

Ideally here, in this house, with me. But thankfully those words don’t escape, and he smiles. It’s a soft, wonderful thing, and I fall a little harder for him as he murmurs a heartfelt thank you, then closes the distance between us and kisses me.

I sink into it, shutting my eyes, and forget about everything else. Reed’s here now, so that’s what I’ll focus on. Everything else can wait.

Sean’s house is as warm and welcoming as always when Reed and I arrive on Christmas Eve. Fairy lights decorate the outside and the wreath on his front door looks remarkably similar to the one I have on mine. I nod to it as he lets us in. “Pete?”

Sean laughs. “Yep.” He steps back, herding their two dogs out of the way and grins at Reed. “Come on in, Vic’s just finishing up in the kitchen.”

We follow him inside, and the smell of something delicious fills the hallway. “Oh my god, what is that?”

“That would be the steak and ale stew that Vic’s been cooking all afternoon.” Sean has the smug look of a man who knows he picked a good one. Which reminds me.

I wait for Reed to go into the kitchen to talk to Vic, then tug on Sean’s arm to stop him from following. “Still doing that thing tomorrow?”

It takes him a second, then he nods quickly. “Yep,” he murmurs, then mimes zipping his lips.

I grin and squeeze his shoulder. I couldn’t be happier for him, for both of them, but I can’t lie, as much as I hate to admit it there’s a tiny part of me that’s incredibly jealous.

Not that I want to marry Reed.

Not yet anyway , my subconscious helpfully supplies, but I want what they have. I want Reed in my life permanently, not just passing through it. I just don’t know when or how to go about asking for it.

I do know that it definitely isn’t here and now, so I let go of Sean and drag him with me into the kitchen to find the others.

Lunch is wonderful, and we spend a good few hours sat around their kitchen table drinking wine and chatting about anything and everything. It’s easy, comfortable, and for a little while I forget that Reed and I aren’t a couple, that were not like the loved up pair sat opposite us.

Sean has his arm draped casually over Vic’s shoulders, and Vic has his hand on Sean’s thigh. It looks effortless, the familiarity between the two of them, and I’m not even thinking about it when I reach for Reed’s hand and wrap my fingers around it.

He stops mid-sentence, and I realise with a jolt that I’ve just outed us. Not that Sean and Vic didn’t already know, but I’m pretty sure we’ve never admitted out loud that we’re together.

Sort of together.

All eyes turn to me, and I do the only thing I can think of. I stand, letting go of Reed in the process. “Sorry, I just need a piss. Back in a sec.” I offer everyone a smile, but I can’t make myself meet Reed’s gaze, worried that I’ve just fucked up.

Sean’s waiting for me in the hall when I come out of the downstairs loo.

“Is everything okay?” He’s leaning against the wall, arms crossed, watching me.

I glance towards the kitchen, but Sean shakes his head.

“They’ve taken the dogs outside.”

“Fuck.” I join him against the wall and let my head fall back against it. “I didn’t mean to hold his hand like that. I forgot for a minute that we aren’t actually a couple.”

Sean hums and I turn to look at him, eyebrow raised.

“What’s that supposed to mean? And did he say anything after I left.”

“Nope. Vic asked him if he’d heard anything more about his house and Reed told him he’d accepted an offer on it.” He sighs. “Is that why you’re acting squirrelly tonight?”

“Fuck you, I’m not squirrelly.”

“Well, something’s up with you.”

I stare at him, because really? “Reed’s house has sold. He’ll be moving out soon.”

Sean has the gall to roll his eyes. “It’s not like he’s going to move out next week. And anyway, what does that matter, it’s not like you won’t see him again after he gets his own place.”

I grimace. Because my gut tells me that’s exactly what it means, and as much as I try and rationalise that I’m overreacting, I can’t shake the feeling.

“Jerry?” Sean prompts.

I run a hand through my hair, sorting out the words in my head. “We’ve not talked about it.”

He waits, knowing there’s more.

“About what’ll happen when he eventually moves out.” When I say the words aloud, the solution seems obvious, and Sean agrees.

He frowns. “Then talk about it now.”

The truth is something I’ve avoided thinking about, but if I can admit it to anyone, it’s Sean. “I’m scared that he’ll want to end things when he leaves.” My voice is quiet, like I’m still afraid of saying it out loud. Doesn’t make it any less true though. “We said we didn’t need to label this thing between us, that we’d just go with the flow, but...” I hold out my hands, out of words.

Sean sighs. “But you love him.”

“No, I?—”

Do I? It’s a big word, one I don’t toss around lightly, but when I think back over the past few days... Reed turning up at the practice, the way everything seemed so much better when he wrapped me up in a hug I so desperately needed. “Yeah,” I whisper, blinking back sudden and unwelcome tears. “I think I might.”

“Fuck’s sake, Jer.” Sean grabs me and pulls me into another hug that I need almost as much, and I close my eyes, letting him ease the ache inside me. “You need to talk to him.”

“I know.”

“Soon. Because it’s not fair on either of you to keep doing what you’re doing when your feelings have changed.”

I groan. “I hate it when you’re right.”

He laughs as he steps back. “You should be used to it by now, surely.”

I don’t get to reply to that, because a door opens and voices filter in as Reed and Vic come back inside. Nails clatter along the floor as the dogs race back in and Sean leaves me to go see Vic, but not before giving me a pointed look.

I know I need to talk to Reed. I’ve known it for a while, but Christmas Eve is not the time to do it. So I smile when Reed walks into the hallway, heart clenching when his answering smile is a little hesitant.

“Okay?” he asks quietly, walking towards me.

“Yeah,” I reach for his hand as he gets closer. “I’m sorry... about before.”

Reed smirks. “You mean when you held my hand?”

He doesn’t look pissed off, but I still feel guilty. “It was an accident. I forgot for a second...” I trail off, because he’s smiling. “What?”

“I’m pretty sure both Sean and Vic know we’re together.”

My belly does a traitorous swoop at the word together , even though I know he doesn’t mean it like I want him to.

“So you holding my hand isn’t a big deal, Jerry.” He looks down at our joined hands, where I’ve wrapped my fingers tight round his. I didn’t even realise I’d done it. “I like it.”

Hope flares bright and bold, sweeping through me like a warm wave. Maybe I’m not alone in this... maybe?—

“Another drink?” Vic pops his head around the kitchen door, looking between us. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Reed tugs my hand. “You’re not, we were just coming.”

I let Reed lead me back into the kitchen, his hand still clutched in mine, and I don’t let go for the rest of the night.