Finding Love in Ivy Falls

Chapter Thirty-Two

MANNY

Remember All The Good Times

I can count on one hand the times in my life when I’ve wanted to climb out of my own skin. The day Gina’s dad stared at me from the chair in his study, a wet, suffocating August breeze blowing into the room as I asked on stuttered breath to marry his daughter. When I had no choice but to drop my pants and get a tetanus shot from a young nurse after I stabbed myself with a rusty nail. The first time I met Tess and my words came out jumbled and flustered like I had a mouth full of marshmallows. But nothing could beat the silence in the truck. Tess achingly close enough to touch while Billy sat on the other side of her.

When I pulled into her driveway, Billy swayed as he climbed out. Tess jumped down and helped guide him to the front door. The girls were waiting, and Iris gave him a massive hug before leading him inside. Tess spoke quietly to the sitter, asking her to keep Lou inside for a minute more.

‘I’m sorry I’ve dragged you into this,’ she started. ‘You’ve got a lot going on with the house, and the show, and I’m only adding to your problems.’

‘Hey.’ I lifted her chin. ‘Life is never a straight line. We’ll get through this.’

‘I need you to help me with something.’ The heartbreak in her eyes stole the air from my lungs.

‘Anything,’ I replied.

‘What’s happening with us is special, but…’ Tears coated her dark lashes, and even though I could guess her next words, knew they’d break my heart, I reached out and pressed my hand over hers. ‘I have to figure out how to handle all the chaos swirling in my life. With Billy back, and the girls not understanding what’s happening… plus the store, I don’t think I can give you what you need.’ She pulled in a shuddering breath. ‘It’s all too much right now.’

‘Tess, this doesn’t have to be anything more than what we already have. I understand things are confusing, and I don’t want to add to the worry you’re already shouldering. I’m here for you whether we are kissing or just hanging out with the girls. Whatever small piece of your life you’re willing to give to me, I’ll take it.’

She shook her head. Took a step back. ‘You deserve more than that.’

‘It doesn’t matter what you think I deserve.’ I closed the space between us. ‘It’s what I want. And all I’ve ever wanted is you.’

‘Mama, can we have some lemonade?’ Rosie stood in the doorway. Her small hands on her hips like she needed an immediate answer.

‘I better go,’ she said.

‘Tess, I mean it. Things don’t have to change between us.’

She gave me a weak smile, glanced at Rose. ‘Don’t they though?’

I’d be an idiot if I said I hadn’t seen this coming. Like a car crash happening in slow motion, I had watched helplessly as Tess began to unravel. How when we were in a room together she kept her distance. Even today, she tried to put on a brave face as we talked about the coffee bar, but there was a shakiness to her demeanor that warned a lot weighed on her mind.

I meant what I said about things not changing between us, but I also knew Tessa. Once she set her mind to something, there was no chance of changing it.

Lou was my little emotional sensor. Her instincts acute whenever things were off with me. Even when I was struggling with my own mental health, I never kept the truth from her. She’d give me space, a moment, when she heard me start my breathing routine. It often cut me to the core because, as a child, the last thing she needed to worry about was her father’s state of mind.

Silence filled the truck as we drove the short distance home. Before we reached the turn for our street, she said. ‘Why did my mommy leave us?’

I almost crashed straight into the curb.

‘She didn’t leave on purpose, Lou Lou. You know that.’

‘But why did she have to get sick?’

I pulled to the side of the road. Once the truck was stopped, I turned to face her, and my heart split into a dozen pieces as I took in my child’s broken stare.

‘Climb up here,’ I said.

Once she was unbuckled and on the seat next to me, I tugged her into my side.

‘I’ll be honest, Lou, sometimes I don’t understand it either. People in our lives get taken from us, and, at first, we’re sad. Slowly that sadness goes away, and we’re allowed to remember all the good times we had with them.’

‘It’s not fair. All I know about her is what you’ve told me. What I see in the pictures around our house. The things Grammy and Papa say when they visit.’

‘That’s my fault. We should talk about her more. Go through your baby books and look at the pictures of you two together.’

‘Do you think I look like her?’

I pulled in an achy breath. ‘With each passing year, you grow just as beautiful.’

She looked at me with wide eyes. ‘I do?’

‘Yes. Your hair is the exact same color as hers. A rich ebony like a moonless night,’ I said, plopping a kiss on the top of her head. ‘Your mama always separated out her vegetables from the meat on her plate the way you do. She wasn’t a real fan of broccoli either.’

She gave a little laugh.

‘And your giggle. It reminds me of her in so many ways.’

She snuggled in closer to my side.

‘We can keep her alive by remembering her in all these ways. Talking about her more,’ I said with a promise.

She went quiet and then said on a whisper, ‘Do you think Miss Tessa could be my mama one day?’

I forced myself not to crumble. Not let my voice shake when I replied. ‘What makes you ask that?’

She inched back and gave a good roll of her eyes. ‘I’m not blind, Pop. Whenever she’s around, you’re happier. I see it in the way she treats you too. Both your cheeks get all pink when you’re near each other.’ She gave me a mature look that reminded me she was growing up too quickly. ‘Plus, you tried to hide it, but I saw you hold hands when we went apple-picking. Brittany, well, she said before we stopped being friends, that’s what people do when they like each other.’

‘Things are complicated between us, honey. In fact,’ I said, trying to keep my voice even, ‘we may not see Tess for a little bit as she tries to get the coffee bar ready for the store.’

She crossed her arms over her chest and went painfully silent again. Every part of me wanted to confess that I wanted exactly what she did, but too often things we wanted slipped out of our grasp, and there wasn’t a damn thing we could do about it.