Fix You (The Irish Rogues #3)

Chapter Eleven Raphael

S ince our abrupt parting at Callum and Caterina’s wedding reception, I’d wondered what it would be like to see Maeve again. Over the weeks and months, she’d remained a constant thought in my mind. But I’d kept my word to Caterina by not reaching out to Maeve.

Instead, I’d turned my focus back on New York’s nightlife and the shallow pleasures it brought.

I’d never envisioned spending Christmas Day with the Kavanaughs. But then again, I sure as hell hadn’t expected my father to renege on our deal over Callum’s safety. Not only had he put a hit out on Callum, but he’d been shot on the street walking right next to Caterina.

Once again, I could’ve lost my baby sister at the hands of my father. But thankfully, she remained unharmed, and Callum had pulled through surgery.

I had to give it to him–he was one tough motherfucker.

After the failed hit on Callum, my father had gone completely underground. My brothers and I hadn’t heard a word from him. We’d been completely iced out of any businesses that hadn’t belonged to us.

As for his whereabouts, there were rumors he was as far away as Sicily while other intel claimed he was hiding out in one of the boroughs. Wherever he was, he could stay the fuck there or deal with our wrath.

Of course our mother stood behind Father, so we would’ve been displaced from our usual family dinner on Christmas Day had it not been for Caterina’s suggestion to join them for lunch.

There was a small part of me that wanted to refuse her, so I wouldn’t have to face Maeve. But in the end, I wasn’t a pussy. I knew the day would come when our paths would cross again. It was inevitable considering we were tied together by family.

Whatever bravado I’d felt about seeing Maeve evaporated the moment I laid eyes on her. She was a fucking vision in a green dress. Her beautiful auburn hair fell in waves over her shoulders. Her creamy alabaster skin was on intense display with the plunging neckline of her dress that also showed off the voluptuous swell of her breasts. I licked my lips at the thought of burying my head in them.

Christ, I was a dirty bastard for sexualizing her at that moment. As hard as I tried to push those thoughts out of my head, I wanted nothing more than to close the gap between us and sweep her into my arms. I wanted her flush against me, her curves melting into my body. I wanted the warmth of her lips on mine.

But I remained rooted to my spot in the living room doorway, staring at the only woman I’d ever really wanted but couldn’t have.

Eventually Caterina blocked my line of vision to Maeve. For a moment, worry flickered in her dark eyes. But she quickly masked it with a beaming smile. “ Buon Natale , big brother.”

I returned her smile and embraced her. “ Buon Natale , Mrs. Kavanaugh.”

A contented sigh escaped her lips. “Can you believe that this time last year I was Sister Caterina?”

I laughed. “No, I cannot.” With a wink, I added, “Mrs. suits you much better.”

“I agree.”

A yip interrupted us as Murphy came barreling towards us before launching himself at me. I bent down to scoop him into my arms.

When I glanced up from scratching his ears, Callum stared at me with creased brows. “Since when is he a fan of yours?”

“Since I snuck him bacon last time I was here, and didn’t freak out when he pissed on my leg,” I joked.

With a grin, Callum replied, “I suppose that would do it.”

“You’re lucky Maeve didn’t catch you. She doesn’t like him having treats,” Dare remarked.

I glanced past him to stare intently at Maeve. Now that I had her attention, there was so much I wanted to say in that moment, but I knew I couldn’t in front of everyone. Instead, I chose a word that I hoped would encompass my feelings about so many things. “My apologies.”

“No, it’s fine.”

At her earnest expression, it appeared Maeve was conveying the same emotions I was. After greeting everyone else, I found myself standing in front of her. “ Nollaig Shona , Maeve,” I greeted her.

Pleasure flashed in her eyes hearing me using an Irish Christmas greeting. To my surprise, she whispered, “ Buon Natale.”

My arms twitched as I debated pulling her into my arms. My brothers had both given her hugs. Surely no one would perceive anything suspicious if I was to do the same.

But my brothers hadn’t kissed her and left her a crumpled mess of emotional turmoil on the rooftop. Even though she’d insisted I leave her, Maeve had every right to hate me for what I’d done.

When she took a tentative step towards me, my heart dropped into my stomach. I then reached and wrapped my arms around her. God, she felt like heaven against me. The sweet smell of her perfume entered my nose.

“You don’t smell like smoke,” she blurted.

I jerked back to stare at her. “I decided it was a nasty habit that I should probably give up.”

A somewhat panicked look flashed in her eyes. Before I could say anything else, Callum called for us to go into the dining room. As Caterina, Orla, and Maeve headed into the kitchen for the food, I took a seat.

Dare plopped down beside me. “You’ve been holding out on me.”

“Excuse me?”

He waggled his brows. “Your club.”

I laughed. “Ah, yes, Inferno.”

“How is it you’ve never invited me to come check it out?”

“My apologies. I’m formally extending you a VIP experience invitation in the new year.”

“You bet your ass I’ll be there.” Leaning over, he lowered his voice. “Does that VIP experience include time in Lust?”

With a wink, I replied, “Of course. Only the best for the Kavanaughs.”

He clapped my back. “You’re a good man.”

At the feel of someone to my right, I turned my head away from Dare and found myself face first into Maeve’s ample cleavage. Instantly, I jerked away.“Oh fuck. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Maeve replied, focusing on the plate she was placing on the table.

Staring up at her, I tried reading her face. It didn’t appear to have triggered her. Over the months, I’d spent a lot of time reading books from experts on sexual abuse and rape. I’d learned a lot about triggering words and events.

Trying to put Maeve at ease, I said, “I didn’t realize you were there.”

“Seriously, it’s fine.”

When she finally dragged her gaze up to look at me, I tried conveying with my eyes that I understood how what had just transpired between us might be a problem. More than that, I tried expressing that I understood her reaction that night on the rooftop.

But my reaction had the opposite effect than I’d planned. She stared at me in horror. “Maeve, I—” I said tenderly.

Anger replaced her anguish as she cut me off. “I said it’s fine,” she snapped before whirling away from me.

Frustration flickered through me as I snatched my napkin off the table and tossed it into my lap. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure Maeve out. Every time I said something to her, it was the wrong thing. I thought after I’d done my research, I wouldn’t fuck up like I had that night on the rooftop.

But here I was less than twenty minutes into seeing her again and fucking up.

As Caterina and Orla continued bringing in plates, I kept looking for Maeve, but she didn’t appear. When Orla took the seat next to me, I hid my disappointment with a smile. I’d hoped that Maeve would’ve ended up beside me. Instead, it appeared she would be across the table from me.

But then Maeve swept through the dining room door with a pitcher in her hand. At the sight of her, Orla said, “Oh, you sweet thing. Thanks for preparing the mulled wine for me.”

Maeve smiled tightly. “It was nothing.”

Callum rose from his chair. “You’re just in time for us to say grace.”

Once he had returned thanks, we began filling our plates. I noticed Maeve didn’t eat much. Instead, she took long draws of what Orla had called Mulled wine. She didn’t participate much in the conversation. Instead, she pushed her food around her plate.

More than anything, she ignored me.

The only time I saw her smile was when Gianni complimented her mince pies. Of course, I didn’t like him calling her dolchezza. In fact, I didn’t like it so much I twisted my napkin in my hands and fought the urge to punch him.

But then everything blew up in my face when Callum mentioned me spending next Christmas with my fiancee. The anguished expression that lit up Maeve’s face sent a knife slicing through my chest, tearing through the muscle to pierce my heart.

“You’re engaged?” she blurted.

I’d been a bastard not to tell her that night on the rooftop. I imagined after all this time something had been said by Callum or Caterina. I had no idea she was still in the dark.

Fuck, there couldn’t have possibly been a worse way for her to find out. As quickly as it had come, the anguish on her face was replaced with false cheerfulness. “What wonderful news! We should include that in our toasting,” she said.

There were so many things I wanted to say at that moment. I’m so fucking sorry, Maeve. I’m sorry I was a selfish prick who wasn’t completely honest with you. I’d give anything to be able to take this pain, this humiliation away from you.

Instead, I saved face and replied, “Thank you. It’s very new considering we just signed the contract a few months ago.”

Maeve jerked her head in acknowledgement before staring down at her lap. As the others peppered me with questions about the Carusos, Maeve’s shoulders caved in, and it appeared she was fighting a losing battle to keep her emotions in check.

Ever the angel she was, Caterina gave her an out by asking her to help bring in some of the desserts. Without a look in my direction, Maeve shot out of her chair and hurried out of the dining room.

An eternity seemed to pass before Caterina returned carrying a tray filled with cake plates, but Maeve wasn’t with her. When she offered me a piece, I cocked my brows at her. “Outside,” she whispered before turning to offer a piece to Eamon.

After swiping my mouth with my napkin, I rose out of my seat. When I locked eyes with Callum, I said, “Bathroom is on the left, right?”

“Aye.”

Nodding, I then headed out of the dining room. Instead of going to the left, I went to the right to the kitchen. After I went out the door, I gazed around the backyard for Maeve. She had her back to me. Without a coat, she shivered in the cold.

At the sight of me, Murphy barked and ran towards me. When Maeve turned around, her face fell. “What are you doing out here?”

“Can I please talk to you?”

“What is there to say to me that you can’t in front of the others?”

“The first being I'm sorry you had to find out about my wedding like that.”

Shrugging, she replied, “It’s not like I didn’t know you were going to marry someone else.” With a rueful smile, she added, “I just had no idea when you were dancing with me and kissing me that you were already engaged.”

“It was wrong of me not to tell you that night.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because I’m a bastard to women. I always have been,” I flippantly replied.

“That’s a lousy excuse. Tell me the truth,” she countered.

With a shrug, I replied, “Because I didn’t want it to be real. My father arranged it on the pretense of strengthening our ties to find Caterina. Considering his behavior of late, I’m sure it had more to do with us gaining power. In the end, she means nothing to me.”

“Just like me,” Maeve murmured.

Shaking my head, I argued, “That’s not true! You don’t know how much I’ve worried about you over the last few months.”

“Because of my rape.” It was more of an accusation than a statement.

“Yes, of course.”

Maeve pinned me with a hard look. “If I hadn’t reacted the way that I did that night, would you have given me a second thought?”

I slanted my brows at her. “What are you trying to say?”

As tears pooled in her eyes, she bit down on her bottom lip. “That all you see when you look at me is a victim.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?”

“While I understand your reaction now, I still see you exactly as I did before.”

“No, you don’t.” she swiped the tears escaping from her eyes. “When you looked at me at the reception and on the rooftop, it was with desire and lust.” She hiccuped a cry. “Now you look at me with pity and regret.”

“How can I not look at you that way? You experienced something so horrific I can’t even begin to wrap my head around. I would have to be the biggest stronzo ever if I didn’t pity your experience.”

When the tears continued streaking down her cheeks, I took a tentative step towards her. “As for regret, it’s eaten me alive these past months. I regret leaving you alone with your pain. I regret not reaching out to you to make sure you were all right.”

Her eyes pinched shut as if she were in physical pain. “Anyone else I can bear looking at me like that, but not you. I never wanted to see those emotions in your eyes.”

“I’m sorry.”

She opened her eyes to stare sadly at me. “So am I.”

“I want to make things right between us.”

“You’re an engaged man. You should know as well as I do there can be nothing between us.”

“I can be your friend.”

“I allowed myself to feel more for you than a friend,” she whispered.

Even though it was the worst thing I could possibly say at that moment, I replied, “So did I.”

An agonized noise came from the back of her throat. “I have to go.”

“Wait, there’s something I need to give you.”

When I reached into my coat pocket and produced a small gift wrapped box, her eyes widened. “I want you to have this.”

“You shouldn’t have gotten me anything.”

“But I wanted to.” I swallowed hard. “I needed to do this.”

Tilting her head at me, Maeve demanded, “Did you get your fiancee the same thing?”

“No. I had my secretary pick something out for her.” As I held out the box to Maeve, I said, “I worked with a jeweler to design this for you.”

The hostility faded slightly from her face to be replaced with curiosity. Although she seemed to be at war with herself about how to react, she finally reached out to take the gift from me. Her fingers shook as she tore open the extravagantly wrapped box.

When she opened the lid, a diamond necklace glittered up at her. Surrounded in a platinum setting, a small oval medallion hung from the center. It was also encrusted in diamonds. “St. Maria?” she questioned in a whisper.

I nodded. “She’s the patron saint of–”

“Rape victims,” she interjected to my surprise with disgust.

I winced at her reaction. “Among other things.”

“But you don’t see me as a victim?” she countered.

“She’s also the saint of forgiveness.”

“You don’t need my forgiveness for what happened, Rafe. It’s my fault. I asked you for the kiss, and you granted it to me. Whatever happened afterward is on me, not you.”

Shaking my head, I replied, “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Blame yourself. I read about how victims of rape and sexual assault often blame themselves for what happened. It’s the other reason why I got the necklace for you.”

When she remained staring at me, I jerked a hand through my hair. “Jesus Christ, Maeve. Don’t you understand? I care about you. A lot. Because of my feelings for you, I want to help you. I’m fucking bad at expressing emotions, okay? Everything about us is new territory for me. Since I couldn’t torture the bastard who hurt you, I turned my attention to ways I could help you. In some small way, I thought that necklace might help.”

She shoved the box back at me. With her chest heaving with anger, Maeve cried, “If I wore that necklace, it would be a physical chain around my neck of my emotional trauma. Not to mention a blazing neon sign that I was broken and damaged.”

Fuck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”

Regret filled her face. “How could you know?” She gave a slight shake of her head. “You were just trying to find a way to help me, and I do appreciate that. But it doesn’t change how I feel…about the gift and everything else.”

“Maeve, I–”

“Do us both a favor, Rafe, and leave me alone.”

Although I wanted to force her to stay at my side, I let her swipe past me. As I watched her retreating form, I couldn’t remember a time when I felt so completely and totally helpless.