Grumpy Doctor’s Holiday Twins (Forbidden Doctors #17)

18. Ethan

18

ETHAN

I didn't exactly plan to take Melody out for a carriage ride, but seeing her in the lobby with a fussy toddler, I knew exactly what they needed. The church was just a block off the court square where Jack Letcher, a local farmer, had his horse-drawn carriage decked out like Santa's sleigh. It was something I always wanted to do with her, but things just didn’t work out.

"What do you say?" I asked, nodding at the white horses arrayed in bells and ribbons. Lights strung from their reins flickered as light snow fell around them.

"In the cold?" Melody asked, looking down at her son.

"They have hot cocoa, blankets, and even a lap belt for little guys." This was, in my mind, a friendly gesture. She asked for "her Ethan" and this is what she'd have gotten if I really were hers. I held a hand out in that direction, and Noel pumped his fist in the air.

"Horsey!" he shouted, and I could see him excited to run that direction, so I picked him up so Melody wouldn't have to chase him while she had Holly on her hip.

"Alright, but just a short ride. It's cold. They're little." Melody smiled, but it looked more like a wince. Still, I led them to the carriage and paid the man for a short trip around town. He was probably hoping for the post-pageant crowd, and we had caught him with enough time to get in just the short trip Melody had agreed to.

When we were settled, buckled, and blanketed in, Jack snapped the reins and the horses were off. I expected the twins to be chatterboxes, but they munched on Christmas cookies and cocoa provided by Jack and Melody sat awkwardly next to me, stiff as a board. I felt bad that she'd rushed out feeling so hurt, and I knew there was no way to make that up to her. But I promised to try to be happier.

"Mel, I'm sorry," I started, but I kept my distance. The old Ethan would have pulled her close, held her hand, kissed her cheek. Anything to help her feel safer with me. But that would only lead us down the wrong path and continue to lead her on. "When I told you I have to leave, I left out some very important things."

Melody turned to look me in the eye, though she stole glances at the twins who were looking sleepier by the second. Snowflakes clung to her chestnut hair, and she didn't bother dusting them away. She was so beautiful, and so far out of reach now.

"I accepted the position as head of the pediatric unit for Doctors Without Borders. They are expecting me in Copenhagen. I'll do a stint there and then I'll be off to Africa for at least six, maybe nine months. After that, who knows—the Congo, Uganda, South Africa. My home is there now, not here." The explanation felt hollow and weak. I was choosing a job over her because of past resentment, and I knew how shallow that seemed. But I knew she would be better off without me. I would never look at Christmas the same way again. I couldn’t. My heart had been hurt too badly, even though I was beginning to let go of that resentment—toward her, at least.

"I understand," she said, but it was despair in her tone, not understanding.

I felt like she deserved more than I could give her now. "My heart, it's just meant for traveling. When you left without a word, I was hurt, yes. But that wasn’t why I left." My mind went to the promise ring I had purchased that year when I decided to tell John about us. I still had it, buried in the boxes in my closet. I could never bring myself to throw it away because I always hoped that somehow, I'd find her again.

Well, she was here now, but my path in life was going to lead me away from her. I couldn’t ask her to wait for me, either. It wasn’t fair to her or her twins. They all deserved a man to care for them.

"It's really okay, Ethan…" Melody pursed her lips and sighed, then continued. I watched the toddlers as they leaned against each other, eyes slowly drifting shut. "When I came back, I figured you'd be gone. I mean, I never really moved on after you, and part of me hoped some magical spark would ignite between us again when I saw you were in town. But I see how much you love your job abroad. It's okay. You should go." She patted my knee, and I felt a pang of guilt and rejection.

She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear, but I hated it. I didn’t want her to say that. I wanted her to beg me to stay here in Mistletoe with her. But if I told her that, it would only confuse her. It was confusing to me.

We sat in the quiet listening to the clop of the horses' hooves for a few moments as the twins fell fast asleep, and Melody looked up at me again. "Were you really going to tell John that year? You were really going to take that risk, even though you were leaving town?"

Her question made me think. I never intended to stay in Mistletoe Springs at all. I had always planned to leave and work with DWB. I guess part of me hoped she'd have gone along with me, but then her mom got sick and things changed for her. Now she had kids and they needed the stability of a home and a family. She couldn’t come now. Things had changed, and I had changed.

"Yeah, I was…" I rested my hand on my thigh, and she clasped her hand around it.

"I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. I know I've said it before, but I can see how much it hurt you and I never meant to hurt you. I really thought you would just move on. You were so excited to travel, and I had everything going on with Mom. I just didn't want to be a burden." She squeezed my fingers, and I realized she was being heart-wrenchingly honest.

Even if everything had gone perfectly, our paths would always have diverged. We just weren't meant to be. I felt like this moment was healing, like saying goodbye wouldn't be the bad thing I thought it was. I was gaining more insight and feeling less unsettled now, and I hoped she was too.

"So, you'll be okay… I mean, when I leave? I don't want to be the one who hurts you." My chest ached as I said the words.

"You mean the way I hurt you?" Melody asked, and her lip trembled. "I'll be okay."

I couldn’t help myself. The carriage was rounding the corner back to the starting point and I felt like time was slipping through my fingers. I didn't feel the closure I thought I would after this conversation. I only felt more desperation to fill my heart with as much of her as I could before I had to leave.

I leaned down and cupped her cheek. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but telling her how madly I loved her would only hurt more than it helped.

"I need to kiss you now." My insistence was greeted with a simple nod, and her eyes fluttered shut as my lips closed in on hers.

It was the same explosion of passion and chemistry as every single time I ever kissed her. Like bells ringing at Christmas, or birds chirping at sunrise, she made my heart come alive, and nothing else in the world compared. I'd never feel this way about anyone ever again.

The kiss was hot and passionate. I was glad the twins were sleeping as I pulled her against my body and felt her warmth. My hand traced her curves and I cupped her breast through her thick coat. She whimpered into my mouth and her hand dropped to my lap, where her thumb strummed my swelling dick.

It was painful and devastating and everything I needed, but it still couldn’t fix the gaping hole in my heart.

"Come to my house, Mel. Please. We can enjoy every last second we have together before I have to leave." The kiss interrupted my pleading, and she bit my lower lip as her body shuddered against my palm, now kneading her tit through the coat.

"I can't," she whined, but she didn't pull away.

I kissed her harder, hungry for more than this situation would allow, but I knew we had to stop. Not only was it inappropriate in front of her kids if they woke up, but the church would be emptying and who knew who would see us. I stole a few more seconds, drawing my tongue over her bottom lip, then sucking it into my mouth, and finally, the carriage came to a halt.

When I opened my eyes, I met the gaze of my mother, whose glare could have melted the city. She snapped her leather glove and shoved a hand into it, then walked past the carriage with her arm hooked around Dad's bicep, but the interchange seared my heart. I shook my head and rubbed my face. My family would never understand, and I didn't care if they did.

"I should, uh…" Melody touched her kiss-swollen lips and gave me a sad look.

"Yeah, I can help you with the twins," I told her, standing up, but John was the next face I saw.

He stood at the bottom of the loading platform with his shoulders squared. His hands were clasped together in front of his belt and he had a stern expression.

"Hey, John," Melody said innocently, and he didn’t even crack a smile. "Ethan just took us for a carriage ride and the twins fell asleep."

"I can help," I said again, wondering if he saw the kiss, and his expression only soured more.

"I have it," he growled, and he took the diaper bag Melody handed to him. I watched them unbuckle her toddlers and carry them away, and she glanced over her shoulder at me sheepishly, wiggling her fingers in a "goodbye" I’d never forget.

The only thing worse than burying a parent and saying goodbye is mourning the loss of someone you love so deeply and knowing they’re still alive.