His Secret

24. Adrian

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

ADRIAN

On the way back home, I rack my brain trying to remember what I did three years ago, but then a memory flashes through my mind, and I hit the brakes in the middle of the road. Luckily, nobody is behind me.

It was my first year of college, which was when I was really questioning myself and the thoughts and feelings I was having. I found myself attracted to a guy in one of my classes. I had always been able to admit when a guy was attractive. That didn’t make anyone gay. But this guy in particular made me nervous. I got excited to be around him. I was hanging on every word and movement, and I started to think about other things. What it would be like to touch him and kiss him.

It freaked me out. I was already well aware of my parents and their viewpoints. How did I go eighteen years without feeling this way? Was I just suppressing it? Was I afraid to see it because I knew it wouldn’t be accepted?

I went home for Christmas break and started to Google things on my phone.

How to know if you’re gay.

Can you be attracted to guys and girls ?

I thought those searches were safe behind the screen of my own phone, but I remember now my father coming to me and slamming my phone down in front of me as I was sitting at the breakfast counter. He gave me a stern look, but it wasn’t out of the norm for him to give us looks like that. He was easily agitated. I figured he was mad that I left my phone somewhere he wanted to sit.

But now—now I’m thinking he must’ve picked it up believing it was his. I probably did leave it on the couch where he sits. He thought it was his, opened it up, and saw my searches.

My searches were questions. It wasn’t gay porn or gay hook-up sites. He knew I was trying to figure it out. I was curious. Maybe he’s gone this whole time hoping it was just a phase. That it never came to fruition.

Fuck.

My phone rings, the sound blaring over the speakers. I click a button and say, “Hello?”

“Hey. I’m leaving my mom’s house now, and I’m bringing leftovers she’s forced upon me. How far out are you?”

“About three hours.”

“Okay, I’ll be there shortly after. Wanna meet in my room?”

“Of course.”

He laughs. “Good. See you soon.”

“See you.”

What I have with Matías doesn’t feel wrong. I’m not mentally ill for loving him. I’m not a deviant or anything else my father likes to say. But I’m still trapped under my father’s thumb. Without him, I have no money. My job and future aren’t secured. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, but right now, after not seeing Matías for a few days, I don’t want to worry about it .

I want him. I want him right now in this moment, and that’s what I’ll focus on. I can’t worry about the fact that I want him in the future as well, and what that’ll mean.

Halfway into eating his leftovers, he asks, “How was your Thanksgiving?”

I swallow down the turkey and the majority of the truth. “It was fine.”

He nods, but I feel his gaze on me. He doesn’t push, which is one of the reasons why I appreciate him. He’s aware of my family dynamic, and he won’t force me to talk about them.

“Still think you can stay here for Christmas?”

“I’m gonna try like hell,” I say, looking at him with a grin. “I’d prefer being here with you.”

He smiles and it warms my heart.

We finish eating and throw everything away before climbing into his bed. Wrapped in each other’s arms, we kiss and cuddle before our exhaustion takes over.

Matías falls asleep first, and I spend thirty minutes running my hand through his hair and kissing his forehead, wondering how it’ll be possible for me to keep him when I have the father that I do.

He’ll never accept me if I tell him I’m gay, and therefore he’ll never accept Matías. I can’t ever bring him home. I can’t talk about him to anyone. He’ll forever be my secret, and I doubt he’ll be okay with that.

I tighten my grip on him like I’m afraid someone’s going to come take him from me now, and I eventually fall asleep. But the thoughts and fears never leave.