His Tiny Sun

Chapter 3 - Blue-Eyed Scrutiny

CHAPTER 3

Blue-Eyed Scrutiny

Jonah shouldn’t have come to the debate. He was getting too involved with Eric. It wasn’t supposed to happen.

The university bar tables had been put away for the event, and rows of chairs had been set in a half-circle facing the debaters, who were standing behind makeshift lecterns. The ceiling lights were dimmed as usual, but two spots were casting light on Eric and the three other participants—all political science students, Jonah assumed.

It was strange seeing Eric in a suit and with his hair slicked back neatly, but what felt most surreal was the fact that he was standing in one spot. Usually, when they were in this very room, Eric was all over the place, disheveled, and almost always shirtless.

Or, just any room, really.

Jonah tried to listen—checking his phone to pass the time was out of the question with Eric’s roommate sitting right next to him—but he couldn’t stand their stupid idealistic views. Eric was prattling on about freedom, again . Freedom of choice, freedom of speech, freedom this, freedom that. Eric hadn’t yet made a coherent argument, but he was somehow in the lead. That was the thing with political debates, simulated or not: the perceived winner generally was whoever could stir the strongest emotions in the crowd—the loudest and most charismatic, but not necessarily the smartest.

There was no such thing as freedom . They were all just sheep in a pen—some of them white, some of them black, and most of them in between. Jonah had once been a fool with dreams of grandeur, but he’d long given up on trying to fight for anything apart from his own comfort and convenience. His only exception was his career goal because he’d made a promise. A promise he would never break, no matter what.

Most of the attendees were drinking Eric’s words like they held the secret to eternal life—his roommate included. Alan had saved Jonah a seat right next to him, which he’d been surprised by, but grateful for. Jonah didn’t like appearing at events by himself; it made him look like a loser.

Even though he occasionally attended the frequent uni parties with his long-term friends Isabel and Sean, Jonah wasn’t acquainted with many people yet. He didn’t know anybody enough to actually hang out with them. Jonah was nowhere near as extroverted as his two internet celebrity friends, which made getting to know new people a challenge, but he didn’t care enough to be upset about it. He was in perfectly good company with himself.

Jonah blocked out the sound of the debate and focused on Eric’s lips—the very same that had convinced him to attend tonight, although not with words. Jonah couldn’t wait for this nightmare to be over, so they could have an entirely different kind of debate in Eric’s bed…or in his car. Going back to Eric’s place after coming here to support him would feel a little too relationship-y for Jonah’s liking.

Also, he felt bad for Alan.

Jonah didn’t believe it was a coincidence that Alan was suddenly always away from home when he was over. He’d really tried not to be a shit presence in his life, but he couldn’t help it; Eric continuously drove him wild and mad.

The scent of raspberries and warm ocean breeze pulled Jonah out of his musings.

“He’s good, huh?” Alan whispered in his ear.

Jonah blinked as he looked into the big blue eyes that had appeared in his personal space. “Yeah,” he said with a smile that seemed to have a mind of its own. He crossed his fingers internally in hopes that Alan wouldn’t ask him to elaborate because Jonah had not been listening.

Alan’s smile widened, his glossy pink lips catching the glow of the dimmed ceiling lights. He seemed to hesitate for a second, then leaned close again and craned his neck, his breath tickling Jonah’s ear. “You should tell him,” he whispered, then pulled away suddenly as if he’d been shocked.

Jonah watched him take a tube of pink lip balm out of his pocket to apply some on, then bring it to his nose to smell it.

Before he could think better of it, Jonah leaned close and whispered in Alan’s ear, “Have you stopped going to the Goliath Café?”

Alan dropped his lip balm on the floor.

Jonah bent down to pick up the tube that had rolled next to his foot, but Alan did as well, causing their hands to collide as they both reached for it. Jonah raised his head to apologize but froze as Alan did the same, his face now inches from his own.

Jonah didn’t have time to reflect on the strange warmth that had crept up his cheeks, as everyone in the room started clapping.

“Eric won!” Alan exclaimed as he straightened back up, seemingly forgetting all about his lip balm. He stood up, prompting Jonah to do the same, and they both made their way toward Eric, who was hugging a woman with long black hair.

The woman glanced at Jonah, then exchanged a few words with Eric before disappearing into the crowd.

“You were amazing!” Alan said as they reached Eric.

Eric looked at Jonah, who smiled and nodded.

If he didn’t pronounce any words, then surely it wasn’t lying?

Jonah regretted it as soon as he saw Eric’s face brighten with affection. A remark burned his tongue, but he kept his mouth shut. There were too many people standing around, and he didn’t feel like attracting attention to himself tonight.

“We’re going out for drinks,” Eric said excitedly, then looked at Alan. “You wanna come?”

Alan shook his head. “I’m a little tired, I’ll head back home. You have fun!”

“Want a ride?” Eric asked.

“Nah, it’s okay, I’ll walk.”

“By yourself?” Jonah blurted out.

Alan frowned. “Uh…yeah?”

Jonah’s pulse quickened as he glanced at his watch. It was almost dark out. “I have an errand to run before the stores close. I’ll give you a ride home at the same time,” he said, then looked at Eric. “Go on without me. I’ll meet you there.”

“Oh, no, it’s not necessary,” Alan said.

Jonah gave him a nervous smile. “It’s no big deal, really.”

“Well, okay then. Thank you.”

Eric looked at Jonah funny before turning to face Alan and pulling him into a hug. “Don’t go stealing him from me, alright?”

What the fuck. He’s jealous now?

“Wha—of course not!” Alan said.

Eric let go of him and smiled. “Just kidding. Thank you for being here tonight. ”

“You were great, I’m glad I could attend,” Alan said.

Eric gave Jonah a devilish look and swung an open palm slap on his ass. “I’ll text you once we’ve decided where to go.”

Jonah gritted his teeth as he watched Eric walk away, then looked at Alan, only then realizing he still had his lip balm clutched in his hand. “I believe you dropped this,” he said with a tense smile as he handed it to Alan.

“Oh.” Alan chuckled as he put the cap—that he was also still holding—back on it. “Sorry. I’m a little clumsy.”

Jonah motioned for Alan to follow him. “Ready?”

“Yeah. This is really kind of you. Thank you.”

“It’s no big deal. As I said, I’m already going in that direction.”

They climbed the stairs to the first floor, then made their way toward the exit in silence.

Once outside, Alan took a deep breath and let out a contented sigh. “The weather is really nice.”

It was. Jonah was almost tempted to walk Alan home instead, but then his story wouldn’t hold up anymore. “My car is over there,” he said, pointing at the street on the other side of the large parking lot. He didn’t see the point of paying for parking if he could get one for free just a little farther from the door. Walking had never killed—

Jonah felt as though he’d just received a punch in the gut. He tried to focus on his breathing as they crossed the parking lot, but it was impossible. It was too much.He wasn’t in control anymore.

Jonah crouched down and pretended to be tying his shoelace while he internally tried to talk some sense into himself—

You’re overreacting. Nothing would have happened. It’s not even fully dark out yet. The neighborhood is renowned for being safe. It’s a busy area with lots of bystanders.

—even if he knew it was a losing battle.

But what if something did happen? Would he be able to defend himself?

Jonah stood up and started walking again. He glanced at Alan, who was smiling at the…sky? “What’s up there?” he asked, grateful for a distraction.

Alan chuckled. “Nothing. Just…one of the clouds kinda looks like a heart.”

Jonah looked up and spotted it right away. “Huh, it really does.” A smile grew on his lips as he watched Alan pull out his phone to take a picture, but soon faded. “Watch your step!”

Alan stopped dead in his tracks, his right foot an inch from hitting the curb.

Dread settled in Jonah’s stomach again as he watched Alan nonchalantly put his phone back into his pocket, unfazed by the fact that he’d been one second from tripping. Was he always this unaware of his surroundings when he was walking? How often did he walk home all alone at night?

Could he defend himself?

Jonah followed Alan to the passenger side and unlocked the door, then took a deep breath as he made his way toward the driver’s seat.

“Your car smells so good! What is it?”

Jonah forced a smile. “Ylang-ylang.”

“What’s that?”

Jonah unclipped the air freshener from his car vent and handed it to Alan, who smelled it with a look of pure delight on his face. “It’s a flower that grows on a tree,” Jonah said. “It’s…my favorite scent.”

“Wow,” Alan said as he gave it back. “How do you spell that?” he asked, taking his phone out of his pocket.

Jonah put his seatbelt on and checked that Alan had as well, then started his car. “Y-l-a-n-g.”

The short ride was silent, as Jonah focused on the road—and on the storm within—and Alan did some ylang-ylang product shopping on his phone.

It had been a while since Jonah felt that kind of panic. He thought he’d triumphed over it, but apparently not. And even worse, it had been triggered by a near-stranger this time. Was he losing it?

“We’re here.”

Alan put his phone away and beamed at him. “Thank you, I appreciate it!”

“Anytime,” Jonah said with a tense smile. “Good night.”

“Good night!”

Jonah watched Alan get into their apartment building, then backed out of the parking lot and drove to the nearest convenience store, where he turned off the engine of his car and buried his face into his hands. He took slow, deep breaths like he’d practiced so many times before, then leaned back in his seat and let out a long sigh.

He stared, teary-eyed, at the stained-glass unicorn dangling from his rearview mirror. The red and blue glow from the establishment’s ugly neon sign reflected against its surface, reminding him of those fucking lights he could still see clearly when he closed his eyes.

And in his nightmares.

Jonah delicately cupped the unicorn with his right hand and planted a soft kiss on it, then took out his phone and typed with shaky fingers.

? Jonah: Sorry something came up. Can’t make it. I’ll see you next week k?

? Eric: K

———

One week turned into two, and then three. Eric made no effort to contact Jonah, but neither did he. It was for the best, anyway. Ever since they’d started seeing each other, Jonah’s nightmares had returned in full force, making him want to seek Eric out for emotional comfort.

That was a trap he’d promised himself he wouldn’t fall into. It was the very reason he’d ended up in Eric’s bed in the first place; their relationship was never meant to evolve beyond meaningless sex.

Although Jonah hadn’t seen Eric since the night of the debate, Alan started showing up at the café again. Every morning, as soon as Jonah set foot in the establishment, two blue eyes met his gaze like magnets. For someone who was barely aware of his surroundings when walking—except for detecting interestingly shaped clouds—Alan was surprisingly attentive when studying. Perhaps his mind was desperate for a distraction.

Jonah wondered if he’d get used to the feeling; soon, he would also be having those long, tedious studying sessions.

Next year.

Jonah had left earlier than usual that morning—so he could avoid his mom’s nagging—which meant he had time to kill. Perhaps he could chat with Alan a little, he figured. Jonah worried he’d weirded Alan out by insisting on giving him a ride home that night.

Jonah, for one, still wasn’t over the way he’d reacted to a mere acquaintance’s walking habits.

Jonah took his coffee and his sandwich from the counter, then walked to the table where Alan was seated.

Alan’s fingers stopped typing on his laptop and he looked at him expectantly, his smile making Jonah yearn to go back home and take a nap for some reason.

“Mind if I sit here? I have a few minutes to kill before work.”

“O-of course not! I mean, of course I don’t mind!” Alan said as he grabbed his laptop and put it on the bench next to him to clear up space on the tiny table. “Take a seat. I just need to use the bathroom quick.”

Alan all but teleported away while Jonah pulled out a chair to sit down. In hindsight, maybe Alan didn’t want his company. It was too late now, though. Jonah couldn’t just leave .

Jonah glanced at Alan’s laptop while he took a bite of his sandwich. The website he was browsing looked familiar, and even though Jonah couldn’t quite place it, he knew with certainty that it had nothing to do with psychology. He took a sip of coffee while he studied the interface and racked his brain. Eventually, it hit him: it was a fanfiction website.

Wow—when was the last time Jonah read fanfiction? He’d nearly forgotten it even existed.

Letting his curiosity get the better of him, Jonah leaned forward to have a peek at Alan’s username.

Lil_Sunshine

Cute .

Was anything about Alan not cute?

“Sorry,” Jonah heard him say behind him, right before Alan sat back down. “So, uh…did you wanna talk about Eric?”

Jonah hadn’t thought this through. Of course Alan would assume that was the reason he sat down with him; what else did they have to talk about? Well, for what it was worth, they both liked this place. There wasn’t much to say about that, though.

“We haven’t really talked since the debate,” Jonah admitted.

Alan joined his hands on the table and tilted his head slightly. “Did he do something to upset you?”

“No.” It was the truth, even though Jonah hated to admit it. Eric had done absolutely nothing to upset him—well, except being himself, but that was no excuse for Jonah to ghost him out of the blue. Eric had been this way from the start; Jonah knew exactly what to expect.

What he did not expect, though, was how vulnerable he felt under the scrutiny of those blue eyes.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to be with him anymore,” Alan said gently. “You don’t even need a reason. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel right anymore. But either way, you should tell him.”

Jonah winced—Alan was right. Jonah was being a jerk. It wasn’t Eric’s fault if he’d freaked out the other day, and if Alan felt the need to tell him this, then it meant Eric had been hurt by his extended silence. It also meant Eric expected more from him than Jonah had to offer.

“D-did I say something wrong?” Alan asked.

“No,” Jonah said with a half-hearted smile. He wrapped his sandwich for later. He wasn’t hungry anymore. “I have to go to work now, thanks for the chat.”

Alan’s smile dimmed slightly, but he didn’t say what was on his mind.

Jonah stood up and pushed the chair back into place, then took his sandwich and his coffee.

“You probably don’t, but uh…” Alan said, his gaze focused on his hands. “If you need someone to talk to, I’ll be happy to listen.”

“Thanks.” Jonah appreciated the offer, but he wasn’t in the habit of talking about his feelings—especially not with someone he barely knew. “Have a good day.”

Jonah made his way outside, then put the sandwich on top of his cup, took out his phone, and typed with one hand.

? Jonah :Are you free tonight? I need to talk to you