I Really Can’t Stay (A.R.’s Holiday Standalones #1)

Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

I wake up with a heaviness in my chest—a feeling like I can’t breathe. Something startled me from my deep sleep, and as my eyes fly open, I quickly figure out the source of the panic.

Potato’s vibrant blue eyes stare down at me with contempt, as he sits on top of me with a paw in the air, caught mid-assault.

Now I see what woke me.

“Must you always swat at me?” I grumble and pick him up off my chest using both hands, tossing him as gently as I can onto the bed next to me. With his size, he plops and gives me a disgruntled meow. Settling himself into a lying position, he stares at me expectantly.

Beside me, Miller stirs. His arms wrap around my body, and he ends up smacking Potato with the back of his hand. Angry, Potato jumps from the bed and runs to hide.

“I’m really striking out over here with him, aren’t I?” Miller grumbles, pulling me closer.

“It could be worse, but yeah, it seems like every step you take forward you then knock yourself three steps back.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll figure out how to get in his good graces.”

“New goal?”

Nuzzling my neck, Miller starts to kiss his way up and pulls my earlobe into his mouth teasingly. “New life ambition. If you two are a package deal, I need to learn how to make him love me.”

“Wow, already going for the L word, huh?” I feel my body start to ignite, but I can’t let things progress despite really wanting to. According to my clock, I’ve overslept, which is very out of the norm for me and now I only have one hour before I’m due to leave. “Ugh. The last thing I wanna do is go to work today. Can’t we just stay in bed?”

“As much as I want to say yes, I also need to be getting back to Julian. There’s a lot to do at the tree farm today, and I didn’t ask anyone to tend to my animals.”

“They’ve been out all night?” A chill runs through me. Those poor babies . It’s so cold up there, and no one was there to care for them, since I selfishly kept their owner all to myself.

“No, they weren’t. It snowed so much overnight on Christmas Eve that I kept them in their houses yesterday. But that just means I’m going to have extra clean up to do today.” He wrinkles his nose. “And the chickens are probably mad at me.”

“Do they like to roam in the snow?” That seems really cold for their feet.

Miller brushes some of the hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ear. “No, they like attention. If I don’t go out and talk to the girls at least twice a day, there’s hell to pay.”

My heart melts a little. He’s a good chicken dad . “That’s so cute. I can’t wait to meet them.”

“Well, what are you doing for New Year’s Eve? Can you come up?” His eyes light up as he asks the question.

“I could probably arrange that. You don’t have any fun plans already?”

“The only thing I have planned is dinner with my aunt and uncle. After that, I was planning to go home to find a video from last year’s ball drop to watch, then turn in early.”

I hesitate, looking across my bedroom at nothing in particular. The thought of seeing Miller’s family again, after wholeheartedly leaning into the role of Holly North, Lincoln’s girlfriend, is unnerving.

“How am I supposed to face Tina and Tim after lying to them? Do they still think I’m with Lincoln? Do they know you left on Christmas and came after me? What am I supposed to say to them—how do I explain myself?” The avalanche of words spill from my lips as my brain rapid-fires questions at me. My heart hammers in my chest, and I feel like I need to pace the room. I try to pull out of Miller’s arms, but he keeps me firmly in his hold.

I feel like this is a conversation I need to have with Lincoln, but Lincoln isn’t in this room. Miller is.

So I start with him.

“When you followed me on Christmas, what did you say to them before you left?”

Sitting up in my bed, Miller shrugs. “Nothing really. I just gave my aunt a hug and told them I was sorry, but I had to go. I’m a grown man, Zee. I don’t need to explain myself to my aunt and uncle.”

My brows furrow together. “Don’t you, though? You abruptly left their house on Christmas!”

“I usually don’t stay long after breakfast and presents, anyway. I’m not really the type of guy who lingers. I keep busy. They know that.”

“Do you think Lincoln said anything?”

“I highly doubt it, but I can call him and ask if it’ll make you feel better.”

“I just don’t know how I’m going to explain myself.”

“There’s nothing to explain.”

“Are you kidding me?” I toss my hands into the air. “There’s everything to explain. I showed up at their house using a fake name, pretending to be their son's girlfriend!”

Miller nods, squeezing my hand. “I guess you’re right. We’ll just have to start with your name, then. Introduce you as who you really are, tell them you were hesitant to use your real name with strangers. I don’t really care if my aunt and uncle think I stole you from Lincoln—we don’t have to explain that side of the story if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t think it’s about what I want, Miller. We need to do what Lincoln wants, since he’s the one who was worried about maintaining a certain image in front of his parents.”

Rubbing his thumb against his lips, he stares at the wall, and is quiet for a second. I long to know what he’s thinking about, but I don’t ask. After a couple minutes, he nods. “Whatever you want to do, Zee. If you want to call Lincoln and get on the same page, then let’s get him on speakerphone. If you don’t want to tell my aunt and uncle anything right now, then I’ll cancel dinner with them and make you dinner at my cabin instead.”

“Don’t cancel dinner with them,” I blurt, shaking my head. “I feel like I ran out so abruptly, and they were so kind to me.” Looking at the bed, I lower my voice to just above a whisper, my heart aching. “It felt like I had a family again.”

Miller squeezes my hand again, then uses his finger to lift my chin. “You do.”

“That’s sweet. You all hardly know me, though.”

“You have a knack for making people feel like they’ve known you forever.” He leans over and gives me a soft kiss on the lips. “And trust me, I know my family. I’m not the only one not willing to let you go.”

Cupping my cheek, he rubs his thumb across it softly. “What time did you say you have to go to work?”

“I need to be there in less than an hour, and I like to leave at least 20 minutes early. Sometimes the drive is quick and other times there’s traffic.”

“Then you better get up. Go get dressed, and I’ll make you a cup of coffee. Do you eat breakfast? I can scramble some eggs?”

“I prefer to drink my calories in the morning. Thank you though. If you’re hungry, help yourself to whatever you want.”

“I’m good. I usually just start with a cup of coffee too.”

“Okay,” I tell him as I crawl over his lap. Straddling him, I take his head in between both of my palms, and kiss him tenderly.

I could stay in bed and kiss him all day.

When things start to get heated, I force myself to pull away, knowing if I don’t, I’ll end up being late for work. “Okay, I really need to get up now.”

Forcing myself off his lap, I go straight to the bathroom, and run the faucet so the water will warm, before realizing the entire reason I was startled awake this morning.

Potato never got his breakfast.

Turning off the stream of water, I pad down the hallway to my kitchen, and stop dead in my tracks when I see Miller popping the lid off of a can of wet food, with a spoon already in hand. Rubbing against Miller’s legs, Potato meows excitedly as Miller scoops the food into his bowl.

As stupid as it is, my eyes well up with tears at the sight, and I slowly back away to return to getting ready for work.

Miller’s so effortlessly considerate, and even though it feels too good to be true, I know it’s not. I spent enough time with the Stokes family to know the kindness in their hearts, and I feel I have a pretty good read on Miller’s personality.

He’s a good man, and good men like him are hard to find.

“Hey boss, how was your holiday?” Genesis asks from behind the counter as I walk toward her, having just dropped my stuff in the break room. The bookstore is quiet today, with only a few patrons looking around, presumably shopping for something new to spend their gift cards on.

“It was actually really good. How was yours?”

“Loud, chaotic, and so much fun.” She grins brightly. “My family is crazy, in the best way. You should’ve taken me up on the offer to come over. I laughed so hard, I almost peed at one point during a game of Cards Against Humanity.”

“That sounds like fun! Maybe next time you guys have a big gathering.”

And I meant it this time. I’m slowly beginning to realize that I need to put myself out there again—spend time with people. I’ve missed it, and I hadn’t realized how much until all of my crazy holidates.

“What did you end up doing?”

Part of me hesitates, wondering how much personal information I should divulge to a coworker—my employee. But Genesis is also a friend, and I value that side of our relationship more than maintaining professionalism.

Not to mention, she’s the one who gave me the idea to become Holly North, sort of.

Relenting, I spill every last detail, minus the private details between me and Miller. I admitted that her words played on repeat in my head until I finally had the insane idea to re-download the SparksFly app and edit my profile, then I told her about each of the dates, ending, of course, with how I spent my Christmas.

She listens intently, eyes widening with certain details, and as soon as I finish recounting everything and take a deep breath, she squeaks loudly with excitement. Clapping her hands together, she squeals, “Girl, you realize your entire month of December has been like something right out of a Christmas movie, right? Like, someone get Hollywood on the phone, ASAP. Why didn’t you tell me any of this as it was happening?”

I clench my teeth together in a purposely awkward smile and laugh. “Honestly, I felt a little weird. I am your boss.”

“Okay, yeah, but you’re also my friend. I can’t believe you held out on me.”

Leaning against the counter, she props her head up on her fist. “So you ditched the doctor to be with the lumberjack?”

“I was never actually with the doctor. And I don’t think Miller’s a lumberjack, Gen.”

“He owns a tree farm?” she questions.

“Well, yes.”

“Therefore, he owns an ax?”

“Probably…”

“Lumberjack,” she concludes.

I start giggling, thinking about the words I used in my head a couple of days ago. “More like a lumber snack .”

Genesis howls in laughter. “Oh my God, new favorite phrase. Why is that not trending on socials?”

“I don’t know, but it should be.”

“Send me a picture of him?”

“No! I just met him. How am I supposed to have a picture of him?”

“Please, from the sounds of it, you two are already in a committed relationship, practically planning your wedding.”

Covering my face with my hands, I shake my head. “You’re crazy! No, we’re not.”

“From everything you just told me, that man is in love. L.O.V.E.”

“It’s been a day! Literally! We met on Christmas Eve.”

She rolls her eyes at me, crossing her arms. I follow her stance, and look out at the sales floor. “It doesn’t matter,” Genesis continues. “When you know, you know, and no amount of time makes a difference. Do you like him?”

“Yes, of course.”

“But I bet when I just asked you that, you thought ‘like doesn’t feel strong enough’.”

“How did you?—”

“Because you have that look.”

“What look? You need to stop reading all the romance books in the store, Gen. I have no look.”

“You do. Just trust me on this. You may not see it right now, but give that man another date, and you’ll be feeling it.”

“What if he’s not?” I ask, biting the side of my thumb. I glance over at her, and she rolls her eyes at me again.

“There is no way that man is not already head over heels.”

“I think you exaggerate.”

“And I think you don’t give yourself enough credit. You deserve happiness, Zee. Embrace it. This is your Christmas wish. Even if you didn’t realize you were wishing for it, Santa delivered. Now, how many letters do I need to write before Santa will deliver me a lumber snack? Did you postmark to somewhere specific? Add it to your Amazon cart?”

We both start laughing, and I feel so lighthearted and carefree. I’m glad I told her everything. Her excitement has only amplified mine, making me excited about this new thing with Miller.

I want to call him. I want to see him again.

Knowing that I have to wait six days feels like too long. It feels unreasonable. Pulling out my phone, I send him a text.

Do you think we could figure out a time to see each other before New Year’s Eve?

It’s like you took the words right out of my mouth. Now that I’m not with you, six days feels excruciating. When is your next day off?

I won’t have another day off until Sunday.

Are you already off on New Year’s Eve?

Yes, and New Year’s Day.

I can come back on Sunday.

Can I take you on a proper date?

I’d love that.

Then it’s settled. I’ll see you Sunday.

I can’t wait. Got to go, I’ll talk to you later?

I’ll call you tonight.

Genesis is staring at me as I push my phone back into my pocket, waiting with bated breath for me to update her on what was just said. Rolling my eyes, I walk away and pretend to organize the back counter.

“So?” She follows me over to it. “I know you’re not going to pretend like you didn’t just talk to him. What did he say? What did you say? Fill me in.”

“You're nosy!”

“You brought me into this! Now it’s your duty to update me.”

Picking up a stack of books, I shrug. “You saw how quick the text conversation was. He’s coming over Sunday. Wants to take me on a real date.”

She squeals in delight. “What are you guys going to do?”

“We haven’t discussed it. Any suggestions?”

Gen purses her lips. “You could go to the zoo. Go see the giant pandas. They’re so cute!”

“My membership expired,” I counter. “What else?”

“Hmm. You could have him take you to the theater in Liberty Station, go watch a movie in the reclining chairs and have a drink.”

“That sounds fun. I wonder if there’s anything good playing right now. I could look.”

“Oh!” she blurts. “I know! Go to Coronado and go ice-skating at the hotel. I’m pretty sure they’re still doing s’mores on the beach through the New Year. That could be romantic!”

I lean against the counter, grinning. “That sounds like a lot of fun, actually.”

“You should do it! Sip on some hot cocoa, skate around. Then get cozy by the fire, if ya know what I mean.” She knocks her elbow into my rib cage, waggling her brows.

“Why do you always have such good ideas?”

She shrugs. “It’s why you pay me big bucks. Hey, by the way, is that hot doctor you dumped single now, or what?” Her smile is devious as she tosses a wink over her shoulder, then turns into business mode and addresses the customer who’s approaching the cash wrap. “Hi! Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

With a grateful heart, I shake my head as I laugh and walk onto the sales floor with books to put back, trying to ignore the urge to pull the phone out of my back pocket and start researching information for mine and Miller’s first date.