Late Nights & Love Lines (Single Dad Hotline #2)

25. Lies made me this way

25

LIES MADE ME THIS WAY

SEBASTIAN

T he front door slams shut with a deafening crack. What’s with all the screen doors at the beach? Have they not heard of hydraulics?

“Pappy, what the hell are you doing? Get out from under there.” The worry in Rowan’s tone has me leaning over the kitchen sink and pressing my nose to the window. She stands in front of her beat-up old Jeep with her hands on her hips and the toes of her right foot tapping aggressively into the gravel.

My little spitfire is probably about to shoot flames from her eyeballs.

Pappy’s body slowly crawls out from under the death trap she calls a car. This should be good.

Scanning the baby monitor, I find Kade on the indoor trampoline in the bunk room. Miles is busy at the counter, organizing his fishing lures.

“I’ll be right back, bud. I’m going to check on Pappy.”

“Rowan doesn’t sound happy with him,” he says as his face splits into a wide grin, showing off his big dimples I don’t see often enough anymore.

I chuckle too. “No, she doesn’t, does she?”

He shakes his head and continues sorting his fishing supplies while I slip around the corner to the front door.

I hit the front porch as she holds out both hands and lifts Pappy from the ground. She’s not wrong—the guy is well into his seventies—but I might truly believe in magic if she can stop him from doing anything he sets his mind to.

“I don’t think there’s any quick fixes this time, Row.”

Leo had Rowan’s death trap towed here a few days ago.

“What do you mean? There’s always a fix.” I hate how her voice quivers.

“Not this time, kiddo. For what it’ll cost ya to fix, you could buy a newer, safer one. I know how much Junebug has meant to ya, but it’s time to let her go. You can’t keep dumping money into short-term fixes, especially when it’s already unsafe.”

“It’s not safe?” I ask. I knew she’d been hoping to have it fixed, but I had no idea it was unsafe to drive.

“You stay out of this,” she says, pointing her finger at me.

I hold up both of my hands while leveling Pappy with a stern glare. We have a conversation in the silence, and finally, he nods to confirm we’re on the same page. She cannot drive the death trap anymore.

“Okay, I’m taking Miles fishing. I’m sorry about Junebug, Peach.”

Her angry foot tapping intensifies, displacing gravel with each heavy stomp, while the muscles in her jaw set into a hard line.

Instead of going back inside, I jog down the stairs and tug her into my arms. The pull of her is impossible to ignore, especially when she’s trying so valiantly to shut everyone out and tuck her emotions away. “I am really sorry. I know you’re…attached, but please don’t put yourself at unnecessary risk to hold on to the past. We need you here, now.”

She nods against my shoulder, and her arms come up my back to hold on to my shoulders as though she’s afraid to let go. Her tears soak my shirt, and the shock of it has my stomach rolling with acid. My gaze lands on Pappy, silently imploring him for help.

Rowan doesn’t react this way. I’ll do anything to fix it, but unless she opens up, I have no idea what I’m fighting against.

“Junebug was home for Rowan for a lot of years. It’ll be hard to let go of that security.”

“Pappy,” she groans.

Jesus Christ. “Years, Rowan?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds. Pappy shouldn’t be blabbing all my secrets when I’m literally standing right here.” If we needed a poster child for Grumpy, she’d be it.

She pulls away and attempts to shield her face from me while I openly gape at her.

“Not bad? Are you kidding me? How would you feel about Seren living out of her car in a few years? Would you consider that safe?”

“Obviously not, but I was a different person. I am a different person. My circumstances weren’t normal, so I did what I had to, and it made me who I am today.” Her words tremble, but the conviction is clear. She did what she had to do to survive.

Anger festers in my gut. At her mother, at the world, and at Pappy for knowing what was going on and not doing anything about it.

“How could you allow that?” My voice cracks as I glare at him, and he slowly shakes his head.

“I didn’t know, Seb,” he says sadly. “After I found out, she promised she’d never do it again. Then, her junior year, that bastard?—”

“Pappy,” she snaps. “It’s not his fault, Sebastian. He didn’t know because I didn’t want anyone to. It wasn’t anyone’s business but my own, and I refuse to be indebted to anyone ever again. End of story.” Turning her watery gaze to Pappy, she nods. “I’ll let her go.” Then she spins on her heel and takes the stairs two at a time. The front door slams shut behind her, the sound cracking another wall around my heart.

“So goddamn stubborn,” I mutter.

“Stubborn is just another layer of protection for Row. So much of her life has been out of her control. Now she holds on to every bit she can get with an iron fist because she’s scared to repeat history.”

“What I wouldn’t give to find her parents in a dark alley.”

“Trust me, it wouldn’t do any good. I tried,” he says sadly.

Talk about a day of bombshells. “What do you mean?”

“I paid a visit to her house after I helped her get Junebug registered when she was sixteen. Something wasn’t sitting right for me and Gram, so I wanted to check on her. That’s when I learned that they had no idea where she was. That worthless piece of shit stepfather of hers may have gotten acquainted with my right hook.”

“Pappy,” I gasp. “You hit him?”

“No, son. I knocked that fucker out cold, and trust me, after hearing him talk for less than five minutes about our Row, I was too easy on him.”

Pappy brushes his hands off on his work jeans, then makes his way up the stairs while I mentally calculate how old he would have been—early sixties, maybe. My grandfather knocked someone out cold in his sixties. I guess age doesn’t matter when it comes to the safety of someone you love. I’d have done the same thing.

With a shake of my head, I follow them inside.

“Miles?” I call toward the kitchen. “You ready?”

He walks down the short hallway with a small tackle box in hand. He’s still moving slowly from surgery, so we won’t stay out long, but Rowan insisted he needed some one-on-one time, and the smile on his face now tells me she was right once again.

“Ready, Dad.”

I pick up the two fishing poles Pappy fed with new line this morning, then follow him out the door and down the path to the water.

It’s an hour before either line even moves, but his excitement as we reel it in together is worth everything.

“Holy cow, Dad. It’s a big one.”

“It really is,” I say, slightly out of breath. The fish might be too big. As soon as the thought enters my head, the line snaps.

“Ah, bummer.” Miles sighs.

“It would have been hard getting that thing all the way up to the deck anyway, bud. You hooked a giant.”

The happiness shining on his face is everything to me. He’s missing a canine tooth on both sides, but he hasn’t smiled big enough for me to see that lately.

“It’s okay, Dad. We can try again. I don’t mind sitting here.” I have him set up in a beach chair on the dock. It was easier for him than getting up and down in the sand, so I take a seat next to him with my legs hanging off the side.

“Me either. I love doing stuff with you, buddy. I’m sorry things have been so crazy I haven’t been able to do this as much as I’d like, but I hope you understand that it’s not because I don’t want to. I love spending time with you. I always have, and I always will. You’re a very special kid, you know that?”

He doesn’t reply, so I tilt my head, blocking the sun from my eyes to stare at him, and my entire stomach drops out when his chin quivers.

“Hey, Miles. What’s the matter? Did I say something?”

He shakes his head violently, and I immediately set our fishing poles to the side. Standing, I gingerly lift him from his chair, then spin around so I can sit in it with him cradled in my lap.

When he curls into me the way he hasn’t since he was a toddler, that unease from a moment ago turns into a turbulent storm in my gut.

“What’s up, buddy? What’s wrong? You can always talk to me. I’m your dad, and even if I’m busy, I promise I will always make time for you. You, Seren, and Kade are the most important pieces of me. I’ll always be there for you.”

Miles buries his face into my chest, so I hold him tighter. Time passes, and I rub his back as horrible fears play through my mind. I hug him until his body stops trembling and the sun begins to set.

Eventually he shifts in my lap enough to peer up at me through wet lashes. He opens his mouth twice, as though he wants to say something but can’t find the words. Tears fall down his cheeks, and he tucks himself into my side again to hide them. He clings to me as though he’s trying to claw his way inside of my chest to hide, and parental fear as I’ve never experienced sits solidly in my throat.

What the hell have I missed?

“Is it…” His little voice shreds my heart, peeling back layers one at a time, and it’s fucking brutal. “Is it my fault she left?”

So many emotions war inside of me. Hatred for his mother for doing this to him. Fear that I won’t be enough for him. Sadness that he’s carried this question around with him for months.

“God, no, buddy. Why would you think that?” I mindlessly pat his back as images dance in my memory of doing the same thing to him when he was a baby and needed help burping.

“She didn’t like me much.”

My hand freezes in midair, and another layer of my heart is ripped from my chest.

“Of—of course she did, Miles. She’s your mom.”

He shakes his head, and I run through the memories of our lives together. What happened to make him believe this?

“She liked Kade when he was a baby, but then she didn’t like him anymore either. She yelled at us a lot. And, before she left…”

My entire body fills with icy dread. Whatever he’s about to tell me has been crushing him. The weight of his fear crashes into me with each violent shake of his body, knocking the air from my lungs as I wait for the final blow.

“Mommy was having a meeting with Uncle Nick, and we were always supposed to leave them alone during their meetings. But.” He chokes on a sob, and all I can do is hold him to my chest and rock him while my world falls out below me for the second time because of my lying, cheating fucking ex.

“K—Kade fell down the stairs.” In slow motion, my muscles lock together like the teeth of a zipper from my toes to my scalp. “We weren’t supposed to go upstairs at all, but he wanted his trains and—and I thought we could be quick.”

The lump on Kade’s head the days before Seren’s performance flashes in my mind—the scene a horrifyingly vivid nightmare.

“He hurt his head, and I went to tell Mommy, but she, they…he told me I ruined everything.”

Breathe in, breathe out. In. Out. I focus on my physical reactions, because my mind is veering off to every way I can inflict the most amount of pain on two people who not only betrayed me but did this to my son. I have to stay calm for my little boy.

Focus on Miles. Focus on Miles. Focus on Miles. I chant it in my head. He is what matters. I’ll fucking destroy them later.

“Are you mad at me?” His voice is so small I barely hear it over the sea breeze.

“What?” I pull him away from my chest so he can read the truth in my eyes. “No, Miles. I’m not mad at you at all. I would never be mad at you for trying to help your siblings—never. But why did you tell me he fell off the swings?”

I fear I already have the answer, but I need confirmation.

“Mommy said you’d be mad, and you wouldn’t love me anymore if I told you what I did to Kade.”

My jaw is clenched so tightly that when something cracks, it brings the smallest hint of relief. The rage, the need to rip apart my ex-wife’s world, is a force I’m not sure I’m strong enough to control anymore.

He clenches my shirt in one hand, and it takes a Herculean effort to tame the rage festering in my soul, but I do it because he is my priority. The hatred that’s consuming me will never touch his gentle soul—but I’ll blast it toward those who hurt him if it’s the last thing I ever do.

“Buddy,” I say, blowing out a harsh breath as if I’m releasing the toxicity his mother has infected us with. “Trust me. No one is to blame for that except your mom. It was her job to keep you all safe. That was not your responsibility. Is that why you’ve been hovering around him, protecting him?”

He nods as fresh tears fill his eyes. “I didn’t want to be bad again.”

“Oh, God, Miles.” The words barely make it past my lips before a sob is ripped from my chest. “You’re the best kid in the whole wide world. There’s not a bad bone in your body, I swear to you. I’m so sorry, Miles. So, so sorry.” Tears stream down my face, but I make myself say the words he needs to hear. “It’s my job to protect you all too, and I haven’t been doing a very good job of it. The only thing you have to do is love your siblings. Everything else is my job, and I will do better, I promise.”

His body is wracked with tremors of emotion he isn’t old enough to deal with.

“Miles, if you ever have something bothering you, no matter what anyone says to you, you have to come to me, okay? I will never punish you for telling me the truth, do you understand?”

He nods against my shirt.

“It wasn’t fair of your mom to say that to you. But I promise, I’ll never lie to you, okay? And as far as Uncle Nick, he had no right to blame you for anything. He’s the adult who made bad decisions, not you. And he’ll be punished for hurting you.”

“Do you think Mommy will come back?” No kid should ever sound this broken.

“I don’t know, buddy. I just don’t know. But I promise you that if she does, I won’t allow her words or her actions to hurt you ever again.”

Eventually, his body goes limp in my arms, so I stand with him cradled against my chest. The fishing poles and tackle box can be put away later. I need to get back to the house and finally make a long-term plan for all of us.

Mya Fitzgerald had better hope I never cross her path again, because if I do, she won’t recognize the man she’s turned me into.

“Hey.” Rowan meets us on the stairs, but Miles doesn’t stir. “I put Kade to bed. You missed dinner, is everything okay?”

Unable to form words, I shake my head.

Concern crawls across her features as she glances from me to Miles.

“Okay.” She nods, gently patting Miles’s legs as they flop over my arm. “I’m about to drop Seren off for her sleepover at Marlo’s, and Pappy went to his room about an hour ago. I’ll find you when I get back.”

My entire body is hollow, but I manage a nod, then turn sideways to walk past her on the stairs without jostling Miles.

I forgot that I’d agreed to a sleepover. Such a stupid thing to forget. What else am I failing at?

I watch Miles for a long time after I tuck him into bed—his heart-shaped lips press into a thin line and fear still mars his angelic face, but he never even flinched as I tucked him in. I can’t begin to imagine how exhausting all those lies were for his confused eight-year-old mind.

Eventually, I push away from the bed and quietly shut the door behind me. In the hallway, I turn left toward the stairs, but I only make it two steps before I spin in place and quietly enter Rowan’s room.

Without turning on the light, I strip down to my boxers and climb into her bed. Her scent envelops me in goodness I don’t deserve but greedily hold on to with both hands.

How many ways have I let my children down? I count them in my head like sheep, over and over again until the bed dips and I jolt awake. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep.

“Hey, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you, but you are in my bed,” Rowan says lightly. “What’s going on?”

My nerves are shot, so I pull her into my side. She stiffly rests her head on my chest, and her fingers tap in time to my rapidly beating pulse that I’m trying desperately to calm.

“Seb, are you okay? You’re scaring me.”

“They told Miles it was his fault.” The confession is ripped from my throat. It roars in the silence of my mind until my throat is raw, and Rowan stiffens against me. My voice fills the room, but it’s jagged and broken as I relay what Miles told me at the beach.

“Oh, no,” she murmurs when I pause to collect my thoughts.

“It gets worse.”

Rowan shakes her head against my chest before wrapping her arm around my belly and hooking a leg over my hips. She willingly holds on to me as though she’s trying to protect me, and it all breaks free.

“Mya told him that if he told me the truth, I’d be mad at him and not love him anymore.”

Her stiff body goes full-on rigor mortis. “That cunty bitch,” she seethes.

It’s so unexpected I choke on a bitter laugh. “That’s not a word you hear every day.”

“I hate the C-word, but if anyone deserves it, it’s Mya. I’ve never even met her, but I want to rip her tongue out.”

“My girl chooses violence. In this instance, I wholeheartedly approve.” This time, my shoulders shake with a morbid chuckle, and some of the tension in my shoulders eases as my hand finds its home on her spine.

“This isn’t funny, Seb.” Her fist slams against her mattress with all the outrage that’s consuming my body. “That’s a horrifying thing to say to a child. And he’s been carrying that guilt all this time because of her. It’s so unfair.” Her voice cracks, and I’ve never been so thankful to have someone at my side.

“I know. I broke in a million different ways I didn’t think I was capable of when he told me. H—how did I not see any of this? For fuck’s sake, he told me she didn’t like them when they weren’t babies anymore, and when I replayed our life in my mind, he’s probably right. He’s eight years old, and he saw the truth when I couldn’t.”

Rowan’s arm and leg squeeze me more tightly—she’s offering support in a way that goes against everything she’s held true, and she’s doing it for me. Rowan Ellis has just taken ownership of my heart and swallowed the key.

“She loved them until they started having their own opinions. But then we’d have another baby, and I attributed her behavior to being postpartum or adjusting to life with multiple kids, so while she focused on the baby, I did what I could with the big kids. How did I fail them so completely?”

“You didn’t, Seb. You thought you had a partner, and you trusted her.”

“I have to find her.”

Rowan attempts to peel herself away from my body. She couldn’t possibly believe I’d want Mya back after this, could she?

Holding her tightly to my side, I say, “I have to make sure she can’t waltz back into their lives whenever it suits her. She’s done enough damage to last a lifetime.”

“Okay,” she says, but it doesn’t sound okay, but I’m just too tired to dig any deeper tonight.

“I want to stay with you tonight. Is that okay?”

“What about the kids?”

“I’ll get up early and go back to my room. Tonight, I need to hold you close. Please give me that.”

She squeezes me tighter, then kisses my chest, right over my heart. “This doesn’t mean I like to cuddle now—you know that, right? I’m only doing it because you need me tonight.”

“I need you every night, but God forbid I bring you over to the dark side of something as nefarious as cuddling.” My chuckle shakes my shoulders. “Yes, Peach. I know you’re putting yourself through the misery of allowing me to hold you for my benefit only.”

“Good. Good night, Seb.”

“Good night, my sweet Peach.”

With her by my side, I feel a little less powerless, and I’ll hold on to her with both hands for as long as it takes to make her mine.