Learning to Love (New Zealand Sailing #1)

Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Ellie

“What. The. Hell”. Tayla dropped a piece of toast, and Daisy rushed to grab it as I was walking into the Hillcrest house with my suitcase.

“Babe, sit down. What happened? Did someone die?” Corinne is just as shocked.

I smile bitterly. “Feels like someone died, yes”.

“Is he whoring? Has he been dipping where he shouldn't? I don't trust these quiet ones; water runs deep”. Tayla is ready to jump at Sam's throat. She's so loyal, it brings tears to my eyes.

“Awww don't cry babe, nobody deserves it. Do you think he's at home crying for you? I doubt it”. Corinne's right, I doubt it too. He's probably happy to be rid of a nuisance.

“Nah, wasn't that. Hey, I didn't have dinner with one thing and another. Could I please have a bit of what you're having?” My tummy rumbles audibly.

“Sure, sweetie, have some baked beans on toast, and some nice camomile tea. Now tell us what happened”. Tayla hands me the food and drink.

“Sam came back from training. Wants to go sailing around the world for six months in a race. Wants me to wait at every port he's at, once a month for a couple of days”. Even as I'm telling them about our argument out loud, I realize how terrible it sounds. I start eating the simple dinner, and the camomile tea has a near instant calming effect.

“Hold up. He wants to WHAT? He just came home, like literally today, this afternoon”. Corinne just can't compute. I know how it feels. I can’t wrap my head around it either.

“No fucking way, Ellie. I'm telling you, no fucking way. He's playing you like a fiddle. How long has he known about this?” Tayla dots the i, as usual.

“A few months. Only yesterday did they release the team roster though. I feel he could have told me from the beginning… I could have… I don't know”... What would I have done differently, had I known he was planning to go away for 6 months or who knows how long? I pat Daisy as I think of my life imploding in just one afternoon.

“So anyway, can I crash at yours in the spare room or the lounge even, while I look for somewhere else to live?”

Tayla soothes my worries in one go. “Absolutely, as long as you need. Forever. Men are shite. The lot of them”. I wonder what happened to make her particularly annoyed this evening.

“Corey and Florian are going as well”. I study her reaction. She pins me with her blue eyes, and shakes her pink hair.

“Of course they are, they're all as stupid as each other”. The conversation on Corey seems closed.

I settle back into my old routine. Daycare with the kids every day, walking Daisy twice a day, and spending time with Tayla and Corinne in the evenings. They work very hard to distract me, and change channels on TV every time there’s any mention about the New Zealand team, sailing, or Sam himself.

Nobody asks me anything about Sam at daycare, even my parents don’t mention him. I’m starting to think it was all a pipedream.

Did we really date for several months? Did I meet his parents? Did we move in together? It all seems baffling to me. The only thing that’s a constant reminder of him is this dull heartache, that I can’t seem to shake off.

Sam’s on a crash collision course. He just wants to overcome every single thing just to win, to compensate for the loss of Thea. His medal wall, his determination, all make sense. The heartbreak does not.

Corinne keeps assuring me that time will heal all wounds, but it’s hard not to think about him every day. On my commute to daycare I allow myself to think about him, about what he could be doing at this time. Is he training? Is he running? Is he thinking about me at all?

Sam

I try not to think of Ellie when I have breakfast alone every day. I also try not to think about her when I go to the gym like a maniac, for three hours at least each day. I try not to think about her when I shower. I don’t think about her when I fall asleep. I most certainly don’t drive past the daycare she works at in Takapuna. But then again, I’m a terrible liar.

We trained for a couple of weeks, and I put my head down. After each session, I left, not hanging around with the other guys. They didn’t say anything, likely thinking I was rushing to get back to Ellie, which isn’t that far from the truth.

We had a one week break from race training, and I thought about visiting my family in O’Neill’s Bay. If I went by myself without Ellie, they’d ask uncomfortable questions, and I’m not ready to go there yet. I spent my week studiously avoiding Corey and the other boys, reading, watching as many travel documentaries on Netflix I could muster, and waiting for departure day.

Cruel twist of fate, I’d chosen to leave on 14th February, Valentine’s Day of all days. Since Corey and Florian are both single, they didn’t care too much. I suppose now I’m single too.

I sigh deeply as I put on the New Zealand team kit, and get ready for a media appearance with Corey. At least I’ve shaved, but I have huge dark circles under my eyes. It’s an outdoor event, so I don’t think they’ll provide any make-up. I look in the mirror. What you see is what you get today, guys.

I arrive late, so out of character for me, and much to Corey’s annoyance. “Bro, it’s just not done, keeping everyone waiting. What were you up to, that you couldn’t make it on time?”

“Nothing, bro. Good to see you. Don’t see you much these days”. Corey doesn’t reply.

We step out together in our team outfits, in front of the media, and are surprised by being awarded the Corral Cup, an important prize in sailing. Our names will be engraved for eternity onto the side of the silver cup, and the only thing I can think about is whether Ellie is watching this on TV. Cameras flash repeatedly, and we’re being filmed constantly.

“We’re very proud to have achieved this for New Zealand. This is for every child who is thinking about taking up sailing. The ocean's the limit. We thank each and everyone of you for making this possible”. Corey as always charms the audience.

“Sam, talk to us. What does this mean to you?”

Oh heck. The journalist caught me off-guard. “It was unexpected, but we’re very appreciative”. Cameras flash again; they’re giving me a headache.

“Corey, what are you most excited about: the Sanders Cup, the Olympics, or the Round the World Ocean Race?” A reporter hits a bit too close to home.

Corey crosses his arms and smiles. “Ah, they’re all great challenges, requiring different skills, and we’re fortunate to be able to participate in all of them, and expand our skillset. We’re proud to be representing New Zealand on all counts”.

Like a dog with a bone, they’re not letting up. “Sam, tomorrow you’re heading off with Corey and Florian Mittel on the Round the World Ocean race for over six months. It’s Valentine’s Day. How does your girlfriend feel about it?”

I’ve never been violent in my life, but I could strangle the guy and feed him to seagulls. Corey looks at me intently. I muster some form of self restraint, thinking I need to go to the gym or run a heck of a distance later to burn off some of this anger.

“We’re here for such a momentous occasion, and it’s an amazing achievement not just for us, but for sailing as a sport. Thank you for coming here today, to celebrate with us”.

Somehow I manage to bypass the question and wrap the session up neatly with a bow.

As we're making our way out, I'm speeding so no journalists can catch up to me.

“Hey, wait up, bro. What was that?” Corey falls into step with me.

“What was what?” I feign innocence.

“You know what. You looked like you were going to murder the guy. All good?” I don't like his line of questioning, so I make a hasty escape back to my car.

“All good. See you tomorrow at the airport at 7am sharp”. I speed off, leaving Corey full of question marks.

Rats, that was very close. What will people think when they watch it back? Did I really look as murderous as I felt? More importantly, will Ellie watch it? Thinking about her makes my chest fill painfully.

I'll be away for a really long time from tomorrow. What I wouldn't give to see her one last time…

Without noticing, my treacherous hands steer towards the Hillcrest highway off-ramp and I find myself on the way to her house. What the hell am I doing? She doesn't want to see me, she made it very clear when she left. That dull ache in my chest doesn't let up.

Maybe if I see her again one more time, maybe… I'll be able to think of her less. Like reverse psychology but for a broken heart. Or maybe she'll be etched even more in my memory, and I won't be able to shake this feeling… is it a risk I'm willing to take?

Hillcrest is in stark contrast to Bella Vista, where I live. The familiar 1950s houses with their large sections, kids, dogs and mature trees start making an appearance. No shops, no cafés, no people running, just suburbia.

Before I can make up my mind what I'm doing, I've already turned onto her street. Am I really going to do this?

Ellie

“Stop barking, Daisy, what's the matter?”. Daisy is pretty agitated, and Tayla tries to soothe her.

“We're not expecting anyone, are we?” Tayla's looking out the window.

“No, I don't think so. It's too early for Corinne to be back, she said about 10 PM”. Corinne had a show at the Opera tonight, and I can't imagine she would have been able to come home early.

I'm wondering who it could be. Tayla and I are spending the evening at home again, watching Netflix and eating junk food, for my sake.

“Oh, for fuck's sake”. Tayla's grumpy but resigned outburst makes me dash to the window.

I gasp in shock. Sam's car is parked up on the other side of the street, and he's just standing there leaning against it. He looks pretty rough under the streetlight; dark circles under his eyes, a five o clock shadow stubble on his face, and his Team NZ uniform looks a bit worse for wear.

“Why doesn't this man leave you alone? Isn't he fucking off to Europe tomorrow? Like seriously, he's standing there like a cat out in the rain”. Tayla's words slice straight through my heart.

I haven't followed any news about the Round the World Ocean Race on purpose. But tomorrow? So soon? And he shows up here after two weeks? Tears start falling freely down my cheek, and I hate myself for not being able to look away. I missed him so much. I touch the window pane, as if I were able to touch him.

“What is he doing? Why is he not even coming up to face you, like a man?” Tayla and I watch in horror as he mouths something, maybe Goodbye, then gets into his car and leaves.

I'm lost, staring at the window, thinking what the hell just happened. A big sob escapes my chest, and I cry my heart out. Daisy starts whining, so I give her and Tayla a strong hug.

I go to bed without dinner, but don't sleep a wink, tortured by dreams of Sam waiting outside, then leaving.