Learning to Love (New Zealand Sailing #1)

Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Sam

My dad always says better to regret the things you've done, than the things you haven't done. For the last few years I've tried to live my life in such a way that I don't regret things at all, particularly after I couldn’t rescue Thea. It seems that since I met Ellie last year all that philosophy has gone out the window.

Yesterday I shouldn't have gone to her house. I shouldn't have stopped across the road. I shouldn't have got out of the car. I shouldn't have stared at Ellie like she was a drink of water in the desert. Then I shouldn't have left without saying a word. She was crying, and I felt like a monster.

She looked more beautiful than ever, even through her tears. I miss her so much, it's like an emptiness that doesn't go away.

This morning I'm in a taxi to the airport, on the way to meet up with Corey and Florian for the Round the World Ocean Race start in Malaga. I've decided I'm going to tell them about the break-up. If there's something affecting my mental state, they deserve to know.

I gather my bags from the taxi, and immediately notice the hearts, balloons and banners at the airport, celebrating Valentine's Day. Worst day ever, can't wait for it to be over. The even worse part is that I'm going to live it twice, as we fly through to another timezone.

I check in, and move into the special Platinum Elite lounge, and wait for the boys, coffee in hand. After not even five minutes, they come in holding champagne flutes.

“Guys, it's 7am, come on”. I can't believe they're starting so early on the booze, I haven't even had breakfast yet.

“Time for celebrating, son. We're going around the world”. Corey and Florian clink their glasses, and I sigh.

“Plus, it's Valentine's Day, they were giving them out for free”. Florian, ever practical, makes me laugh.

“How's Ellie? Is she coming to Brazil in April?” Corey takes another sip of champagne.

I suppose this is as good a time as any. “Ellie and I...we broke up a couple of weeks ago”. I continue drinking my coffee, trying not to give too much away

“You're kidding. Please tell me you're kidding”. Corey's in shock. Florian stays silent, fixing me with his gaze.

I look at Corey sadly. “It's not going to work, ok. She's at the daycare, she doesn't want to traipse around the globe, and I...I don't think it's fair to her. You've always said we're not cut out for relationships. Why are you so put out now? Anyway, I need breakfast”.

I get up, go to the buffet, pick at some food, hoping for a respite. Meanwhile Corey and Florian are having an animated discussion. I rejoin them and silence ensues. Doesn't bother me.

“So what are you doing?” Corey's question sounds strange.

“What do you mean what am I doing? I'm eating breakfast, then waiting for the boarding call, then going to Europe with you two losers”. I stuff my mouth with another forkful.

“About Ellie”. Am I testing his patience?

“Nothing. She's moved back to Tayla's. I'm on my own. I'll get over it”. I sound more optimistic than I feel.

“Sam…” Before he gets a chance to berate or nag me some more, the announcer's voice provides a welcome interruption.

“Air New Zealand flight 310 to Singapore is now boarding from Gate 2. All passengers please go to gate”.

“That's us”. I hastily grab my bag, and leg it before Corey or Florian could mention Ellie again.

It's going to be a loooong couple of flights. We're doing Auckland - Singapore, Singapore - London, London - Málaga, with not much time in between. I don't want to go sightseeing, I just want to go to Spain and get on that fucking boat, and put as much distance between me and Ellie as possible.

Corey knows me inside out by now, and when we're sat down together in First Class courtesy of Air New Zealand, and Florian right behind us, he can't hold it in any longer.

“Sam. I'm worried about you. Like really worried about you”. His voice betrays concern.

“Nah, all good, I'll be fine. We go to Málaga, start prepping, then head off for a few weeks. Just what the doctor ordered”. I'm trying hard to be upbeat.

The more cheerful I try to seem, the more I start believing it's going to be ok, and Ellie will be a distant memory, and I'll get over her like… like… I haven't actually had to get over anyone, because I've never loved anyone like I loved Ellie. Like I love Ellie.

There it is, that tightness in my chest again. It's not even 9AM, on the first day away from New Zealand. The time's going to go veeeery slowly.

“I fancy some whisky. When's the lady coming round?”

Corey's looking at me disapprovingly. Florian overheard too.

“I'll remind you two saints that not even half an hour ago you were guzzling champagne for breakfast. And I've just lost the love of my life, ok, not that you two know what that's like”. Florian scoffs at me.

“Oh, is that so? Tell us more, I'm dying to hear it”. I raise an eyebrow, just as the flight attendant comes past to take orders.

“I'd like a whisky please. Make it a double”. I'm belligerent again, and I'll be damned if they're going to make me feel guilty about it.

“A fruit tea please”. I roll my eyes at Corey's order.

“A black tea, no sugar please”. Florian's order is just the icing on the cake.

“Oh, for fuck's sake”. I put my headphones on and try to rest, listening to music and ignoring Corey. I can't sleep a wink. The flight attendant comes back with the whisky glass, and some morning tea for us: cheese scones, pastries, dainty sandwiches.

“I was starving. Should have had some breakfast back in the lounge”. Florian is hoovering up his plate, and is eyeing my plate now. I pass it to him, at least someone can enjoy it.

“So whose idea was it … the break-up?” Corey's dark gaze is fixed on me.

“You're not going to let this slide, are you?” I shake my head in disbelief. “Why do you even care, seriously? You weren't even a fan of our relationship. I distinctly recall you badgering me about it making me a worse sailor, Ellie and Tayla being gold diggers, and all that shit you were spouting for some time”. I take a sip of whisky and it burns my throat. This is a bad idea, and I'll probably pay for it later. I take another sip.

Corey looks ahead, his thoughts far away. “Let's say I've changed my mind”.

“I'm… I don't know what to say, Corey. I genuinely don't know what to say”. Corey and I have been sailing together for over 15 years. Within that time he's never changed his mind about anything. Whatever it is, it must be powerful.

“Sam… I have a question”. Florian's voice filters subdued from behind us.

“Not you too, please. Ellie and I have broken up, and that's the end of it”. Only 16 hours left to go, and these two are driving me insane. How many whiskies can I drink in 16 hours without going into a coma?

“Nah, wasn't going to ask about that. Something else… More personal”. Florian's voice is even quieter.

I sigh. “Ok, ask away. Seems like I won't be able to sleep on this flight with you two nattering away”.

“I'm sorry. I just wanted to know what is it like to make love with someone you're in love with?”.

Out of all the questions that he could have asked at that particular time, that's one question I wasn't expecting. He could have asked me whether I think there are aliens on Mars, and I wouldn't have found it as strange. Or if Captain Nemo's Nautilus really existed. Or of the Auckland house prices are going up again. Or what shoe size does my mother wear.

Both Corey and I turned to face him at the same time. Corey looks quite comical with a half eaten pastry, and I probably look like a rabbit caught in headlights.

“Uhhhh… Like… ummm…” I'm lost for words, holding onto my whisky glass for dear life.

“Like how does it feel? Does it feel different than with someone you don't love?” Florian's words make sense, but they also don't make sense. How can it be? Have I had too much whisky on an empty stomach? But I've had breakfast. Maybe I should lie down and try to sleep a bit, it might clear my head.

“Aaaah”... I rub my head and cover my face with my hands. “I really want to know why you're asking me this, but I have a feeling you won't tell me”. Florian nods sadly.

“Uhh… it's different, very different”. I try to find words that could describe what Ellie and I shared, and there's nothing that comes to mind to do it justice.

“You want to make the one you love happy and content. You want them to want you just as much as you want them. It's not just about the sex, it's also about companionship… being there in the moment, but also with the future in mind”. I must look as miserable as I feel by now, because Corey puts a hand on my shoulder.

“Thank you”. Florian's faint voice snaps me out of my own misery. What is he going through that he doesn't want to share? Who is he leaving behind to go away for 6 months?

*You know… in September when we're back you could try and beg Ellie to take you back”. Corey's words make me take another whisky sip. I shake my head, take one look out the window, put my earphones back on, and try to sleep again.

The 10 hours flight to Singapore dragged on, but the next leg of the journey, Singapore - London went by very fast. All three of us slept, exhausted, and nobody mentioned Ellie again. When we got to London for the short 2 and a half hour connection to Malaga, I was feeling much more refreshed.

By the time we arrived in Spain, and stepped out of the plane onto the tarmac, I was ready for whatever this adventure would bring.

It's February, but the temperatures are mild. Small citrus trees line the streets, and the weather reminds me just a little bit of back home in New Zealand.

Our Round the World Ocean Race team is called Llorca, after a famous Andalusian poet, and we're all staying at a large hotel in touristy Marbella. Corey, Florian and I take all available free moments to explore the local area, either by foot, or hiring a car and taking turns to drive.

I soak up the atmosphere in Marbella Old Town, with its quaint squares and tiny bodeguitas offering the most delicious fresh orange juice I've ever had.

The boys and I watch the world go by, and I can't help but think of Ellie from time to time. She would love being here in the sun, trying the food, making conversation with people, buying trinkets. Her and I never got around to going on holiday.

I wonder what she's doing these days. Is she still at Tayla's? Is she still working at the North Shore daycare? Has she found someone else?