Learning to Love (New Zealand Sailing #1)

Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Sam

It's been two weeks since we've arrived in Spain, and four weeks since Ellie and I broke up. The emptiness I feel inside hasn't subsided at all, and I still think about her, and what could have been, all the time.

I may or may not have checked her Instagram daily. Corey caught me once, rolled his eyes to high heavens. I also caught him checking Tayla's Instagram, but he denied it. I guess we're even now.

The weather started packing in 3 days ago, and hasn't let up since. There's talk of delaying the start to the race. This morning, the Race Director is doing a tour of all the teams' quarters, checking in with everyone.

“As you're experienced sailors, you don't need me to come and tell you that these are unsailable conditions''. The breakfast room where we're all gathered is brimming with disapproval, many sailors whispering their discontent.

He continues in his clipped British accent. “We're waiting for the go-ahead from the Race Committee, but I'm sorry to say that at this point it doesn't look like we'll be able to start on 1st March as planned, more likely it will be from 7th March onwards”.

The room is at boiling point by now. I couldn't care less as I'm away from Ellie and everything be damned, but Corey and Florian, among others, are shaking their heads and even swearing.

The Director beats a hasty retreat, leaving in a flurry of agitation.

“For fuck's sake, how long are we staying cooped up in here? I'm keen to get going”. Corey's impatience is clearly showing. His fingers are drumming on the table, to a rhythm known only to him.

“I suppose they don't want us to get hurt, they're being more careful. I don't mind waiting”, I offer, hoping to lead by example.

Corey lets out a deep sigh, Florian clears his throat and takes a serious drink of coffee.

Jonny, one of the British sailors who are meant to be on our boat, swings by our table.

“Hey lads, all good? Up for a game of Catan to pass away some rainy hours?” He's cheerful and carefree, and for once I wish I were in his shoes. No visible past traumas, maybe no girlfriends left behind.

“We need a couple more for Catan, do you think you can rally some other guys?” Florian perks up.

Jonny laughs. “Sure do. There's three of us Brits, plus two Kiwis and a German here. Reckon we have enough”.

I'd hoped to go exploring some more in the area, since we couldn't train or depart, but the constant rain put an end to that idea. Maybe a morning of board games might make the time go faster, and I'm keen to meet others who love sailing as much as I do.

Corey stays silent, but follows us to a bigger table, so I gather he's participating. We join Jonny, Cam and Phil, the British contingent, at the table.

“Right folks, do you know the rules?” We all nod in answer to Jonny's question. I'm a bit rusty, I haven't played board games since… since I took Ellie to my parents' house at Christmas. I scratch my head. My chest tightens. Ooof. I haven't told them yet. They're going to be disappointed. Hopefully they've forgotten about it in six months' time. More likely not.

“...10 points to win the game. The winner gets a bottle of whisky of their choice”. Everyone laughs at that, but it seems I must have missed a joke, thinking about Ellie and my parents.

Corey's relaxed now, cracking jokes with the others and being his usual charming self. Even Florian chimes in from time to time to make fun of my game choices.

“So, what brings you here, guys? For a six month race?” Phil, the older British sailor, asks a loaded question.

“I want to win”. The words are out of my mouth, before I realise what I'm saying.

Phil laughs. “Of course you do, we all do”.

“Not as much as he does”. Corey's looking straight at me.

I'm two thirds of the way to my victory points, and the others are starting to cotton on that I'm on track to win the game.

“Hey, that's not fair. Block him”. Cam, a British sailor in their early 20s, tries in vain to rally the troops.

“Nah, that's what he's like, wants to win every time”. Corey just sounds resigned. “If only he were so determined in his personal life”. He raises an eyebrow at me.

“Whoaaaa. Loving this. What's he hiding?” Jonny is having a whale of a time, and everyone at the table is staring at me, and I hate it.

“That was below the belt, Corey”. The last thing I want is to talk about Ellie. I'm being tormented enough every night and every waking moment, thank you very much.

I gain two more victory points plus a bonus, and win the game in just under two hours. Everyone else is deflated, but Corey's got more up his sleeve.

“To answer your earlier question, Phil, I think we're all here to run away or hide from something”.

I don't even have to look up to know his gaze is fixed on me.

“Maybe a broken heart… maybe money… maybe just restlessness… maybe just the desire to win?... But at the end of the day, if your heart's not in it, then you shouldn't do it”. I can't look him in the eye, I just can't. It's all too raw.

“Look at me, Sam. Just look at me. I'll tell you two things, just two, then you can tell me to go to hell”. I look at him. He's the same old Corey, my sailing partner since we were 16 and 18, respectively. In my mind's eye, he hasn't aged that much since we were teens, though we're now in our 30s. Maybe more wrinkles, more gray hairs, and a heck of a lot more experience.

Everyone else is silent, probably wondering what this is all about. Florian is drinking a third coffee already.

Corey counts on his fingers. “First thing. You win this race. And then? What's the point of winning this race? And the next one? And the one after that? What's the point of winning any of them, if you've lost the most important thing, the love of your life?”

I feel like getting up and leaving, because this is getting too much. I can't bear it. My knuckles are white from gripping, and my fingernails are leaving indents in my palms.

“And second, and last thing, this thing you've been looking for may be at home in New Zealand, not away…”

Corey's words have touched Phil, who's wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. Cam clears their throat, and Jonny's smile has gone by now.

“Now you can tell me to go to hell, but I've been wanting to tell you this for the past two weeks, because you're miserable and I've known you for 15 years and I've never seen you this unhappy”. Corey's talking so fast now, I can't keep up.

“I don't know what to do. I've never done it before”. My voice is too quiet.

“You need to go back to New Zealand and abandon the race”. Florian's voice rings out clearly.

Ellie

It's been two weeks since Sam came to our house, and stood outside without coming in, before leaving for Europe the next day. I still have nightmares about it from time to time, his face full of sorrow, as he drove away.

I'm still at Tayla's house, in the spare room, after Corinne took my old room. I haven't found a place that's as nice as this one, and I enjoy the company of friends.

Tayla and Corinne keep me sane and grounded, whenever I start crying reminiscing about Sam and I, without trying to push me to date someone else.

Today's an ordinary Thursday, and after coming in from work, I change into leggings and a t-shirt, and take Daisy out for a walk. Daisy motors on with her chunky legs every time I throw the ball, and dutifully brings it back. After a solid hour of time together, I go back, and get ready to make dinner for all of us, as it's my turn to cook.

Before they come home, I turn the TV on while I'm cooking. While preparing to roast the fish, my heart skips a beat. There are images of Sam and Corey on TV. My first instinct is to turn it off, because seeing him brings me so much fresh pain, but it seems I’m a sucker for pain so I turn the volume up.

“Sam Northcroft, the famed Kiwi Sailing champion and Olympian, is pulling out of the Round the World Ocean Race for personal reasons. Fellow sailors Corey Fine and Florian Mittel are still in the competition. Sam's replacement will be announced soon”.

I droop onto the sofa, just as Tayla and Corinne enter the house. They see my stricken expression and immediately rally around me.

“What's wrong? Has something happened?” Tayla is very concerned.

“I don't know”. I burst into tears. “He's coming back”.