Lost In The Dark (‘Lost’ #1)

CHAPTER 9

JORDAN

“Is there anything we can do for her, Ash?” Adam asked after we’d all watched Addy and Eli leave the room and head upstairs. Addy had been holding onto Eli so tightly, it was obvious he was the only thing keeping her on her feet.

“I don’t even know,” Asher sighed as he lowered his head and wrapped both of his hands around the back of his neck in frustration. “I don’t know what she needs. Probably more than Eli and I can give her.” He blew out a breath and looked up at the both of us. He looked exhausted. He and Eli both did. They were pale, with thick stubble on their usually clean shaven faces, but more than that, they both looked terrified, and Asher’s words were illustrating just why.

“Talk to us. You and Eli aren’t in this alone. We’re here for you,” I told him, hating to see him struggling the way he was. Asher had been as much a big brother to me as Adam was. He’d taken care of me during what I called my brother’s ‘ dark years’ and he had pulled me through the despair again and again as I feared I would lose Adam for good. He was the reason I was the man I was, and I had never seen him look so defeated before.

“I’m just so scared we’re going to fail her. She’s terrified of everything, in a ton of physical pain from the injuries, and the memories…she only got back two tiny snippets and….fuck, the screaming, guys. I’ve never seen fear like that, not even overseas. There are going to be so many more memories to come back yet, and I…I just don’t know how we’ll be enough to get her through it all.”

“You said on the phone it was traffickers who took her?” Adam asked.

“Yeah. Addy remembered her car breaking down late at night, on her way home from her job. They grabbed her and drugged her. Eventually she was sold to that senator and we think he held her for around eighteen months, judging by the dates on the tapes the police found,” Asher sighed.

“Tapes?” I repeated with shock.

“Yeah. That bastard recorded hours of what he did to Addy. There was a sex dungeon in his basement and a cage where they think Addy was kept. He was a sick sonofabitch. I only wish I could get my hands on the fucker and kill him all over again,” Asher growled, and I felt the anger, which was coming off of him in waves, consume me too. I glanced to Adam and saw he was gripping the edge of the counter, his knuckles white and his face tense.

It was inconceivable what Addy must have been through in the time that monster held her captive. It was little wonder she had been so cautious and jumpy around Adam and me. I was surprised she had even been able to put any trust in Ash and Eli after what she had been through. It was testament to the inner strength she had to have.

“She’s going to need some professional help, a therapist or something,” Adam ground out.

“I know. I already asked Zara to look into it and get me some names.” I winced at the thought of Zara, Asher’s personal assistant, having anything to do with Addy. While the woman was brilliant at her role as Asher’s P.A. she was also one of the bitchiest women I had ever met, and I knew she’d tear Addy to pieces if she came into contact with her. The fact the woman had her eyes and her claws set on Asher would see to that. She would be furious at the idea of any other female, even Asher’s own sister, taking his attention.

“Ash,” We all looked up at the sound of Eli’s panicked voice and found him hurrying towards his brother. “She’s crying. I…I could hear her through the door, but she’s locked it and I can’t….I d-don’t know what to do,” he panicked.

“Just take a breath,” Asher tried to calm him as he grabbed the back of his neck and held him still. “Tell me what happened.”

“I showed her the bedroom and she seemed okay. I asked her if she needed anything, but she just said she was tired and basically ushered me out. I didn’t want to push her, so I just left and closed the door. I heard the lock snap in place, then a minute later she was crying. I knocked and tried to speak to her, but she won’t answer me.” The concern and devastation on Eli’s face as he spoke was heart breaking, and I felt sick with worry, not just for Addy, but for Eli and Asher too. They were my family and they were hurting.

“Should we force our way in?” Ash asked as he looked to Adam.

“That would only scare her more. I’d leave her for now. She’s just trying to process everything. Maybe she just needs some time alone. As dog-tired as she was, I’ll bet she’s already exhausted herself and fallen asleep,” Adam replied.

“But she’s hurt. What if something happens?” Eli worried.

“We’ll check on her in a little while. We have the key to unlock the door, but Adam’s right. She’s had a nightmarish couple of days and she doesn’t even know us that well. Maybe she just needed some time alone,” Asher agreed as he looked to his brother comfortingly. “Let’s just let her sleep for a while, okay?”

“I just want to take it all away for her,” Eli sighed as he slipped from Asher’s grip and walked around to sit between Asher and me.

“We all want that, Eli, but we can’t. All we can do is try to prove to her that we’re here. That she can trust us when she needs us,” I told him, hoping to soothe him.

“We’ve got a long way to go, brother, but no matter what, we’ll take care of her and we’ll make sure she’s alright. It’s just going to take time,” Asher added.

“Eat something. You both look exhausted too,” Adam insisted as he started filling Eli and Asher’s plates.

“Adam’s right. We should eat and rest while we can. Addy’s nightmares will be coming soon and she’ll need us to be less zombie like than we are right now,” Asher agreed.

Eli nodded and they both started eating as Adam and I filled our plates too, but the silence didn’t last long.

“This is all on dad!” Eli snapped as he slammed his fork down loudly. “If he hadn’t abandoned her, we’d have known about her. We could’ve protected her.”

“It’s too late to change any of that now,” Asher sighed as he put his fork down too and looked to Eli.

“She was alone, damn it Asher! She was all alone her whole fucking life! We should have been there! No one even reported her missing.” Eli’s voice faltered on his last words and Asher instantly wrapped his arm around his brother’s shoulders and pulled him into his side.

“She’s here now. We’ve got her,” Asher soothed. “We won’t let anyone hurt her again and we’ll make damned sure she never feels alone again, okay? We’ve got her now.”

“We’ve all got her,” Adam agreed and I nodded as I looked to my brother. We didn’t know Addy, but she was family and she needed us. We just needed to gain her trust so she could believe that too.

ADDY

I was confused about where I was when I woke up and glanced around the stark, white bedroom. The bed beneath me and the comforter over me was so soft and luxurious, but that didn’t calm my anxiety that, once again, I had no idea where I was. I sat up in a panic, then instantly calmed down when I found Asher and Eli sitting on chairs right beside the bed, both of them passed out, their heads leant to the side and propping one another up.

I remembered then, leaving Vegas, the plane, and being at their place. I recalled Asher and Eli both hurrying in to me several times in the night, when I woke screaming. That was why they both looked so exhausted. I’d done it to them. My terror had kept them awake all night.

I laid back down and took in a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart. I didn’t remember the nightmares I’d had the night before. I just remembered the heart pounding fear I’d felt as I jolted awake, awoken by my own deafening screams. I knew it made me a coward, but I was relieved I couldn’t remember the nightmares. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to remember any of the things that had happened to me during those missing two years. It was more than I could take just to deal with the two fragments I’d already gotten back.

I sat up and shuffled as quietly as I could to sit on the edge of the bed, opposite where Asher and Eli slept. I didn’t want to wake them. Even as uncomfortable as they looked propped together with their arms folded over their chests, I knew they had to need the sleep they were getting.

My ribs screamed at me as I moved, and my wrist was throbbing too, but I sat and just tried to breathe through it. I’d need to find some pain pills to get through the day. The pain was intense, and I’d never had a good pain tolerance.

As I rose to my feet I was relieved to find I wasn’t shaking on my legs like I had been for the last week. I also felt less panicked and crazy than I had the night before. That was likely due to the fact I had gotten more sleep that night, even with the nightmares, than I had since the day I woke in the hospital after the car had hit me.

I looked around the room and took everything in. The walls were all a stark white and no pictures hung on them. A gray blind hung at the vast window, behind where my brothers sat, and there was a dresser beside it. The bed was flanked by nightstands on both sides, and there was a huge flat screen TV on the wall opposite the bed. I realized it was likely a guest room, which would explain why it was so plain and impersonal. It was still a beautiful, comfortable room though – definitely the nicest I had ever spent a night in.

Two doors were opposite where I stood so I pushed through the pain and hobbled towards the first, which turned out to be a closet bigger than my entire room back home. Most of the rails were empty, but on the one closest to the door there was a dozen or so hangers, filled with new clothes, all with labels still attached. On the ground were two different pairs of sneakers and there were also some clothes folded on shelves near the back. Not wanting to be nosy I closed the door and turned to the next, which was the bathroom I had been hoping for. It was tiled in bright white, shiny tiles with a tiny border of gray. Sat in one corner was a huge claw foot tub, and opposite was a walk-in shower cubicle. The vanity, with two sinks, lined the other side of the room and beside that sat the toilet, which I was desperate to use, my bladder screaming at me to stop exploring and pee already.

Once I’d taken care of that need, I stripped off my clothes - the same ones I’d travelled there in - and headed for the shower, cranking the heat as high as I could.

I honestly didn’t know how long it had been since I’d showered. I had wanted to at the hospital, but since I was cuffed to the bed and too scared to speak to the police officer who would need to free me, I hadn’t bothered.

By the time I stepped into the steam filled stall and stood beneath the powerful, warm spray, I was already beginning to feel a little shaky once again, my body obviously pretty weak after all it had been through, but I took the time to shower thoroughly, dowsing my grimy body in the vanilla scented shower gel - which I had found on a glass shelf - several times until I finally felt clean again. Washing my long, wild hair was harder, since the one arm I could get wet shook violently when I lifted it to apply shampoo, but I muddled through and felt so much better just to be clean by the time I shut off the water and stepped out.

Much to my relief, the whole bathroom was filled with steam, so I didn’t need to try and avoid my own reflection as I dried off quickly, then wrapped the huge white, fluffy towel around myself.

When I opened the top drawer beneath the sink I found a brand-new toothbrush and toothpaste, along with a ton of other brand new toiletries. I couldn’t help but wonder who slept in this room. The realization that any of the guys could have a girlfriend who stayed over hit me, and I worried whoever the woman was, my presence would upset her. I hadn’t even thought to ask Asher or Eli if they were married or in a relationship.

I used the toothbrush, making a mental note to tell someone so it could be replaced before the person who used the room came back.

I hesitated to use the hairbrush which was also in the drawer, but my hair was a disaster and I knew I needed to do something with it if I ever hoped to feel human again, so I grabbed the brush and ran it through my hair, ripping at the knotted sections again and again until finally I could get the brush through unimpaired. I could see the way too long, ends of my hair were dry and in desperate need of cutting, but that would need to wait. I had bigger issues to deal with, after two years of captivity, than split ends.

I shook off that thought, determined to start the day a lot saner than I had been the night before. I needed to find a way to keep myself together. Asher and Eli had brought me into their home and I refused to embarrass them by being a crazy lady. I could do better and I would. I was determined.

I was surprised when I walked back out into the bedroom and found Asher and Eli gone, along with the chairs they had been sitting in. I panicked for a moment at the fact I was all alone, but then I remembered my plan to do better and forced myself to breathe.

I knew Asher and Eli’s rooms were right next door, on either side of me. Eli had told me that as he brought me to the room the night before. They wouldn’t be far away, I reminded myself as I settled on the end of the bed. I’d need to wait for one of them to come back to find out what I could wear for the day. The clothes I had gathered from the bathroom floor sat beside me on the bed, but I wasn’t eager to put them back on now I was once again clean.

Moments later there was a knock at the door. It startled me a little, but I took another breath and slowly made my way over, hoping it was Asher or Eli. I wasn’t so sure I’d be able to hold myself together if Adam or Jordan were on the other side. I was sure they were good men, just as Asher and Eli had promised, but I didn’t know them and something inside of me instantly filled with fear upon meeting them. I couldn’t override or ignore that feeling, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to. What if it was my instincts trying to tell me something?

“Hey sweetie,” Eli greeted when I opened the door hesitantly.

“Morning,” I replied, relieved it was him there.

“How are you feeling?” he asked as I stepped back into the room and he followed me.

“Better. I guess I needed to sleep,” I shrugged as I sat on the bed, hoping to keep him from seeing the scars and wounds I knew covered my back.

“I’m glad. You look much better. Think you’re up to some breakfast?” He was standing opposite me, leaving some distance between us.

“Maybe,” I hedged, not really feeling hungry, but knowing I should try to eat.

“Good. Why don’t I step out while you get dressed, then I can help you downstairs? Asher’s already down there,” he explained.

“D-do you have something I can wear? I mean…I can wear these again, but I sh-should wash them first, if that’s okay?” I floundered nervously. I hated to ask for anything after all they had done for me, but clothes were kind of essential.

“There should be some clothes in the closet. Adam said he bought you a few things after I sent a guess of your sizes,” Eli said as he backed up to the closet and pulled it open to look inside. “It’s not much, but we can get more when you’re up to shopping. We didn’t want to buy too much in case I guessed the size wrong. Did you find the toiletries in the bathroom too?”

“Th-they were for me?” I asked with surprise.

“Of course, Addy. This is your room now. Everything in here is for you,” Eli sighed as he walked over to me and crouched before me. “I know it’s not much, and this room is so bland it could make you scream, but we’ll get more things when you’re ready, and I am totally helping you bring some life into this bedroom. We want you to make this your home. We want you to feel safe and comfortable here.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, too choked up to squeeze more words out.

“You’re welcome. Now get dressed. I’ll be right out in the hall if you need me, okay?”

I nodded and smiled in an attempt to reassure him. He nodded, then rose to his feet and left the room, pulling the door closed behind him.

I had to fight back the emotions that threatened to overwhelm me as I moved to the closet and looked through the selection of clothes there. Even though they were mainly just jeans, leggings, t-shirts, and sweaters, they were clearly expensive. I moved to the drawers in the center of the space and found one filled with panties of all different colors, in silk, lace, and cotton. Below, in the next drawer were several sports bras that I could make work. In the other drawers there were socks and even pajamas. If Adam had stocked this for me, he really had seemed to think of everything.

I pulled on some underwear and the sports bra, then a butter soft pair of designer jeans and a soft cream sweater that said it was cashmere on the label hanging from it. I wasn’t even sure what cashmere was, but it definitely felt very costly as I slid it on.

I grabbed some socks, but left the sneakers, knowing how much pain I’d be in if I even tried to bend to get them on and the laces tied.

Before I left the room I returned to the bathroom and grabbed a hair tie. I hadn’t wanted to take one before, but now that I knew they were for me, I used one to tie my wet hair up in a messy bun. I didn’t understand, but something about it being down and loose was making me feel on edge.

I glanced in the mirror over the vanity briefly, but just the sight of my red ringed eyes and pale face was enough, and I quickly walked back out and resolved not to bother doing such a foolish thing again. I already knew I wasn’t myself. I didn’t need to see the proof in the mirror.

“Hey, look at you!” Eli exclaimed with a smile when I stepped out into the hall. He was leaning against the wall opposite my bedroom door, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He’d have looked so relaxed and casual if I hadn’t noticed the tension in his face. “You look great.”

“You’re a very kind man,” I told him as he stepped forward and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I tensed, sure I’d feel the fear rush through me at his touch, but it didn’t come and I was able to relax against him and take some of the strain from my damaged ribs.

“What do you mean?” he asked as we started towards the stairs slowly.

“I know I look pretty far from great right now,” I told him.

“You do,” he argued. “Definitely much better than you looked last night.”

“I’ll agree with that.” I was grateful as he gripped me even tighter as we started down the stairs, taking a lot of my weight and making the descent mildly less painful and exhausting. “I’m s-sorry if I was rude…last night, I mean. I was just s-so tired.”

“No apologies, shortcake,” Eli cut in. “We could all see how exhausted you were. And you weren’t rude at all. Adam and Jord know what you’ve been through. They get that it will take time for you to warm up to them.”

“It’ll be better now I’m n-not so tired,” I told him. “I wasn’t like this before. Shy, I guess. I’ve always been kind of shy, but I wasn’t scared of people before. Now it seems like I’m afraid of everyone.”

“I think after what happened to you, that’s perfectly understandable, especially when you don’t remember most of it. I guess fear is probably your body’s way of trying to protect you.”

“That makes sense,” I agreed as I processed his words. That was how it felt – as though my body was filling with fear as a warning, even though I didn’t really understand why.

“You’re safe here though, Addy. Asher and I will never hurt you or allow anyone else to. Adam and Jordan too. They’re family. All any of us wants is to be here for you.”

“I know,” I nodded. “I trust you and Asher. I…I feel safe with the both of you. I guess it might just take some time with the others though.”

“That’s okay. You take all of the time you need. In the meantime Asher or I will always be here with you. We’re not going to leave your side until you feel ready for it, okay?” He turned to face me as we reached the bottom of the long staircase and I looked up into his eyes, which were like a reflection of my own. “We may not know exactly what you need, but we’re your brothers, and we’ll do everything we can to take care of you from now on.”

I was once again choked up by his kind words. Too choked up to reply, so instead I grabbed his hand where it hung over my shoulder and squeezed it tight. I wanted him to know how much his words meant to me. I wanted him to see it in my face as I smiled through glassy eyes, just how much braver I felt when he or Asher were at my side already.

I barely knew them, but it was like some part deep inside recognized that they were my brothers and put trust in them. Maybe that would prove to make me a fool one day, but I doubted it. Asher and Eli had already done so much for me, and they had no cause to, except for the fact they were so sure we were related. They seemed like good men and I needed them to be. They were all I had and without them and their help, I had no idea where exactly I would be in that moment. I just knew it wouldn’t have been good had they not interceded on my behalf.

Eli leaned in slowly, allowing me time to flinch away, but I didn’t. When he lay a soft kiss on the side of my head I couldn’t help but smile through my emotion. Eli would never know just how much his simple, comforting gesture meant to me.

“Come on, let’s find Ash and get some breakfast,” Eli suggested as he wrapped his arm around my back and supported me as I shakily made my way past the staircase and into the kitchen.

I shrank back against Eli as I looked around and found Adam and Jordan behind the counter. Adam seemed to be making eggs while Jordan filled a travel cup with black coffee.

“Morning, sweetheart,” Asher greeted, pulling my attention to where he sat at the counter. He seemed to be dressed to work out in a sleeveless black sports shirt and shorts. His hair was messy and the stubble on his chin was even thicker. A laptop was open on the counter before him, and he was holding a cup of black coffee.

“Morning,” I whispered, suddenly feeling nervous all over again, just like the night before.

“How are you feeling?” he asked as he looked me over assessingly.

“Um…a little better, I guess,” I shrugged. I kept my peripheral vision on Adam and Jordan in the kitchen, but they had both paused and seemed to be watching me.

“I was just telling her she looks much better than she did last night. We were going to have some breakfast,” Eli added as he steered me forward and towards Asher.

“Good timing then. The eggs are ready and I have waffles or French toast keeping warm in the oven,” Adam spoke up. I instantly looked around to him. He was dressed in shorts and a tight fitting t-shirt that showed every line and dip of his ripped body beneath. He looked ready to work out too. His deep, dark brown eyes were locked on mine and I had to fight to pull my gaze from him.

“Do you want coffee?” Jordan asked as I glanced to him. He held up the coffee pot he was holding and smiled widely. It was a spectacular smile which lit up his entire face. His brown eyes, so much like his brothers, seemed to sparkle in the sunlight coming through the glass doors behind me. I saw those flecks of amber and gold in his irises, that I had noticed the night before. He was dressed in dark charcoal colored, tailored pants, with a white shirt tucked into them, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His hair, which had been a little messy the night before, was now neatly styled and held in place with some kind of product.

“No thanks. I…I d-don’t drink coffee,” I pushed out through my tight throat. I wasn’t sure I had ever felt so many feelings at once. I was overwhelmed and my heart was pounding with fear, but I also couldn’t help but notice how handsome the two almost strangers were, even if they also intimidated the stuffing out of me, especially Adam. He was just so huge and strong. That fact was beginning to intrigue me almost as much as it terrified me.

“We have tea? Or juice? What do you like?” Jordan asked, his smile still in place and setting me at ease just a little.

I glanced to Eli who had paused beside me as I hesitated to climb onto the stool beside Asher. He smiled a little, encouraging me.

“I…Diet Coke? I’m kind of addicted to it,” I admitted shyly. Of course I knew it had likely been months, or more likely years since I last had the beverage, but before everything, it had been all I drank other than water.

“I think we have some,” Jordan declared as he hurried to the refrigerator. He opened it, then seconds later stood victoriously with a cold, silver can in hand. “Success!” he announced animatedly as he handed it across the counter to me. I nursed the comfortingly familiar beverage between my hands and thanked him. “We’ll need to buy more at the store, bro. There’s only three cans back there.”

“I’ll add it to the list. I had a trip to the grocery store planned for today anyway,” Adam replied as he looked to me with a wink. I knew I blushed instantly, and I felt a fool for such a stupid reaction, hurriedly looking down to the floor in an attempt to hide it.

“Sit down, Addy. You’re shaking,” Eli told me quietly as he moved his grip on me and instead grabbed my hips and lifted me effortlessly into the stool beside Asher.

I flinched just slightly as I bent to sit, pain shooting through my ribs and wrist at the movement.

“You’re in pain,” Asher stated as he turned in his seat and looked me over again.

“I’m okay,” I tried to reassure him, again ducking my head to avoid his knowing eyes.

“Addy,” he scolded gently. I felt his finger gently touch my chin, then he was pulling just enough to make me look up at him. When my eyes met his, I saw they were filled with worry. It seemed that was about the only look I had caused both him and Eli since they met me, and I hated it. “The truth, sweetheart. We want to take care of you, but we can’t do that if we don’t know what the problem is. Are you hurting?”

I let out a half sniffle, half laugh at that. Yes I was hurting! So damned much I didn’t know how to even begin to soothe it, but that wasn’t what he meant. He meant physical pain, not the agony that was ripping through my every single thought with every second that passed. Thankfully, Asher released my chin and I was able to look down again.

“Talk to us, sweetie,” Eli pleaded as he climbed onto the stool beside me and leaned closer to cover my hand with his own.

I took a deep breath and lifted my eyes to meet Asher’s again. “My ribs…and my wrist. I j-just need some pain pills,” I told him tiredly.

“I want to call in our family physician to check you over,” Asher sighed. “I hate to think of you in pain, and I’m worried about your back. I think you should have been given some antibiotics to protect against infection, and surely the cuts should be dressed while they heal.”

I swallowed hard as my eyes drifted to Adam and Jordan where they both stood watching me. Did they know everything? Did they know about the cuts and scars that covered my back, butt, and thighs? I didn’t understand why the thought of them knowing that hurt so much, but it did.

“I’m okay,” I whispered again with a shake of my head, forcing my eyes to meet Asher’s once more. “I j-just need some Aspirin.”

“You wouldn’t have to go to the hospital, Addy. The doctor would come here. We’ve known him for years. He’s treated Eli and I for scrapes and ailments since we were kids,” Asher pushed.

He . That was the problem. While I had no interest in being poked and prodded by anyone ever again – male or female – the idea of a man I didn’t know putting his hands on me had me instantly starting to tremble violently. My heart was once again pounding hard enough to bust through my chest and the familiar feeling of tingling in my fingers and toes was warning me of my impending meltdown.

“No,” I rasped through my tight throat. A sheen of sweat broke out across my brow, even though my entire body was suddenly feeling frozen. “I…I c-can’t. I can’t!” I gasped as I looked between Asher and Eli in a panic.

“You’re in pain though. The doc, he can give you something to…” Eli kept on talking but the loud buzzing in my head drowned out his words. I ripped my hand from where it still sat beneath his, and slid down from the stool as panic took an even tighter grip on me. I stumbled backwards, knocking the stool to the floor, and then tripping over it as I fought to get away from all of them. I was fighting to breathe and my vision was blurring as tears filled my eyes.

Someone grabbed my arm to stop me falling over the stool, but in my panic I cried out and fought the grip, fleeing to the nearest corner and curling myself into a ball right there on the floor, the wall at two sides my only safety.

Then the images started to play in my mind, starting with the memory of that beast pulling me from the van, and into the torment that was that desperation filled warehouse. I could see all of those women trapped in cages. I could hear their cries for help and the chorus of sobbing and terror. Then it was Hilton – the senator - his agonizing grip on the top of my arm as he forced me into that cage.

More came then, man after man, hitting me, dragging me, ripping away clothes and underwear. The rooms around me changed, as did the men, but the fear was the same every time, and no matter how tightly I pushed my hands over my ears I could hear myself screaming or crying. I could hear my begging for them not to hurt me. I could hear their crude words and angry outbursts. The names they called me. “Whore!” “Bitch!” “Slut!” So many men, one after the other, all hurting me and tearing piece after piece from me. I was trapped and there seemed no way out.