Lost In The Dark (‘Lost’ #1)

CHAPTER 10

KANE

I was headed to the main house to grab some coffee and check in with Asher on his plans for the day, when I heard the commotion and started running.

I slid open the glass door and stepped into the kitchen, where Asher, Eli, Adam, and Jordan were all in the midst of chaos.

“Addy, open your eyes. It’s me. It’s Eli!” Eli was pleading as he crouched on the floor in the corner. Asher stood over him, and Adam and Jordan were either side. One of the seats from the island was laid out on the floor and coffee was pooling on the counter where a cup had been knocked over. “What do we do, Ash? She won’t open her eyes like last time,” Eli cried.

“What happened?” I asked, causing all four of them to turn to me with alarm.

“I think we pushed too hard. She’s having a panic attack,” Asher told me when he realized it was just me and there was no threat. “It happened before, but she came out of it in a matter of moments last time.”

“What do you mean you pushed too hard?” I was already moving to the tiny, trembling bundle curled up right in the corner of the room. Addy had her head on her knees and her arms wrapped around her legs as she rocked back and forth.

“I wanted her to see the doctor for her injuries. She was in pain and I was worried about infection. She said she was okay, but I pushed,” Asher told me, his voice filled with guilt.

Asher Lyle was a good man. I had known that from the first day I had worked a mission with him overseas. He was a man I could count on always and I felt safe knowing he had my back and that of my teammates. That fact had only been further proven when my team got caught in an ambush during my last tour. I had lost most of my brothers and the two that survived were so badly injured they would never be themselves wholly again. I had gotten off lightly with the head injury I received along with some severe burns. It had ended my career in the military, but at least I had lived.

Asher had found me a month after I was honorably discharged – lost and grieving for my team, drowning myself in any alcohol I could get my hands on in an attempt to dull the pain and the PTSD I was suffering with. He’d ignored me when I told him repeatedly to ‘fuck off’ and eventually he had made me see reason enough to get some help. He’d taken care of me right there in his home as I started seeing a therapist and got the lasting effects of my head injury stabilized with medications. He’d saved my life, then he’d given me a job and a purpose.

Now it was obvious he was in deep with everything his half sister had suffered and he needed help himself. It was the perfect opportunity to pay him back for all he had given me, and I was determined I would. There was just one problem – the tiny little dark haired, green eyed bundle currently rocking n the corner. Addy.

The moment those deep green, captivating eyes had met mine, back at the airport the night before, I had been a goner, which was insane, but the truth. At just the sight of her my heart had raced and I’d been unable to take my eyes from her. She was beautiful, and so strong and determined. I’d seen it in her eyes, even after all she’d been through and the fear that so obviously consumed her, she had stood strong and fought to keep going. I admired that. I knew I could fall for her so easily, but I also knew what a terrible idea that was. Not only was she my bosses sister, but she was also all kinds of messed up, just like me. Two messed up people could never make for anything good.

So I had resolved to be professional, do my job and protect her. Nothing more, nothing less. I just needed to maintain a distance and all of the nonsense feelings would die down. But now she sat in that corner, clearly terrified and traumatized and nothing could keep me from trying to go to her, because I got it. I’d been there, having suffered my own months and months of panic attacks. I knew how they could fuck with you until you didn’t know which way was up, and I refused to leave her lost and alone.

So I dropped to my knees beside Eli and reached my hand out to place on her wrist. Her skin was ice cold to the touch and her pulse was racing way too fast. She was gasping for breath as silent tears dripped down what little of her face I could see.

“Get me a thick blanket,” I ordered as I turned my attention back to Addy. She squeaked in fear, then clamped her hands over her ears as her rocking back and forth only increased in speed. Eli jumped up and hurried away to follow my order.

“What can we do?” Asher asked.

“Should I call 9-1-1?” Adam added.

“She’s trapped in her flashback. We need to get her warm and just keep her quiet until she comes back to us.” I never took my eyes from her as I spoke, too afraid to.

“Can some one crank the heat in the house?” Asher asked as he crouched down beside me. I heard someone run off behind us. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed her,” he sighed as he reached for her hand and gently held it in his.

“You didn’t know. No one knows how Addy will react to situations right now, because none of us know what she’s been through,” I tried to explain.

“I’m fucking this all up already, Kane. I’m making it worse for her.”

“You’re not. She’s better off here with all of you, where she knows she’s not alone. You just have to give it time. She needs to get to know you just as much as you need to get to know her. The more that happens the more you’ll learn what triggers and upsets her, and the more you’ll know how to help her when it does happen.”

“Here!” Eli reappeared and handed me a huge, thick, woolen blanket. I unfolded it and wrapped it around Addy’s shoulders, pulling it tight around her front too.

“One of you needs to hold her tight. She needs something to pull her from the flashback and we need to get her warm,” I said as I glanced up to Asher and Eli.

“No,” Eli shook his head. “She…we can’t touch her. She freaked out last time.”

“He’s right. I can’t scare her again,” Asher agreed as he got to his feet and backed away a step, fear all over his face. It was a very strange sight. I had faced sheer hell with this man overseas and I had never once seen him look as afraid as he did in that moment.

Addy squeaked in fear again, her hands pressing even tighter over her ears to the point I was sure she was hurting herself. I looked between her brothers again, but they were terrified to touch her. It was all over their faces. They were scared they’d make things worse, but I was pretty sure things couldn’t get any worse for this terrified young woman.

Instead of trying to push them, and mindful of what Addy was suffering I moved to sit beside her against the wall, then I lifted her onto my lap and wrapped my arms tightly around her, pulling her back against my front and surrounding her with as much of my body heat as I could.

It was a foolish thing to do, since the one time she’d met me, she’d looked terrified of me, but I just wanted to soothe her and take the pain she was suffering away, even if just for a short while.

Addy was stiff in my arms, but she stopped trying to rock back and forth as I held her too tightly against me to allow the movement.

“Is that a good idea if she doesn’t like being touched?” Adam asked.

“She needs to realize she’s not alone wherever she’s trapped right now. She needs to know it’s safe to come back and this is the only way I can think to make her feel safe,” I explained.

She was so light and small in my arms, her weight barely registering where she sat in my lap, but she smelled amazing. Vanilla, I realized. She felt right in my arms too. Even as small as she seemed, I knew she was actually quite tall and I couldn’t help but picture how perfectly she’d fit against my body as I held her when we were both stood.

“Be careful of her ribs. They were causing her pain this morning,” Eli reminded me, but I had already realized and was holding her below her injured ribs, also being mindful of her broken wrist.

I wasn’t sure I had ever held a woman as carefully and lovingly as I was holding Addy in that moment. Maybe my sister when she was a kid and scared of her nightmares, but never any other woman. I’d had a few girlfriends along the way and many one night stands, but none of them had ever felt right the way Addy did. None of them had ever stirred my emotions and protective instincts the way this woman did.

I knew I should let her go. I knew what I was feeling could never go anywhere, and yet I couldn’t. She needed me in that moment and, even if I wasn’t willing to admit it, I knew that I needed her too. She soothed the sharp, raw parts of me that lived within. She made me feel calmer than I had in a very long time.

“You’re safe Addy,” I whispered close to her ear. “I’ve got you now. Come back to me. Come back to your brothers. Leave all the pain. It’s not real and you’re not alone anymore.”

Eli moved forward and dropped to a crouch before her. Tentatively, he reached for her hand and wrapped it in his own as he whispered, “We’re all here, shortcake. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

Asher crouched at his brother’s side and placed his hand over both of theirs.

“We’re all here, waiting for you when you’re ready to open your eyes, little dot,” he added, the last words catching in his throat as his eyes became glassy.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t call 9-1-1?” Jordan asked quietly as he looked to Adam with concern.

“She’ll only be more terrified if she wakes up to strangers around her. She’ll be okay. Just give her some time,” I told them, sure she would come around. She was strong. I had no doubts about that.

ADDY

Heat started to seep into my body as the images continued to play on a loop, face after face and so much pain. Then there was a voice, a quiet voice that I could barely hear over the yelling and my own screaming and sobbing, but it was soft and so different from the violence I was trapped in. I thought I heard the voice tell me I was safe and I wanted to laugh. How could I be safe trapped with so many monsters who had obviously hurt me over and over again?

But the heat continued to warm me and as I got warmer and warmer the voices seemed to diminish and fade away until suddenly there was only darkness and silence.

I forced myself to take in a deeper breath and as I did it felt like something which had been trying to drag me down into darkness, suddenly released me.

My eyes flew open and I took in a huge gasp of air. My head was pounding hard and my heart was racing so fast I worried I’d had, or was in the midst of a heart attack.

I wanted to look around, but I couldn’t see through the spots in my eyes, then I remembered the faces – so many faces. Who were they? They’d hurt me, I remembered. They’d hurt me and scared me so very deeply. A sob tore from me as I fought to take in some air, then more followed. It hadn’t just been a nightmare. I knew that. Those men – those faces – they had been memories. So many monsters had laid their hands on me – violated me. So many men had ripped shreds from my soul before or during the time the senator had me.

I felt myself being moved as I sobbed uncontrollably, but I didn’t take much notice. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe and every part of me hurt, as the realization of just how badly I had been abused, in those two years, consumed me.

I felt my body being pressed against a warm, muscular frame as strong arms enveloped me and I relaxed and rested my face against the hard chest, sure it was Asher who held me. I only sobbed harder when a large warm hand ran up and down my back, over my sweater, soothingly. It helped me to calm down and eventually I found the strength to take in a short breath and look up, ready to apologize to Asher for crying all over him.

But it wasn’t Asher’s blue eyes that met mine. There was no mistaking the mix of brown and green that swirled in the eyes I had seen for the first time the night before. I pushed myself up and studied Kane’s handsome face. He wasn’t scowling as he had been the night before and as I studied him, he even smiled a little, which only made him even better looking. His hair was messily styled just as it had been the night before and he was wearing a black polo t-shirt, so his sleeve of tattoos was on display, but I couldn’t look closely since his arm was still around me where I straddled his wide thighs now.

“K-Kane?” I sniffled.

“Sshh, don’t talk yet. Just try to slow your breathing first, okay?” he told me in that sexy, raspy tone. He looked so much less intimidating without that scowl on his face, and I found myself giving in as he held the back of my head and urged me to lay back down against him again. I lay my cheek against his hard pec, but I was stiff and tense. This was weird and I knew it. I didn’t even know this guy and last night I’d been petrified of him. How on earth did I end up in his lap and in his arms? And why wasn’t I fighting to get away from him?

“Just try to relax and breathe, Addy. You’re safe right here. No one can hurt you,” he told me so kindly and gently that I found myself following his directions and relaxing against him. He was so warm and firm beneath me, and he smelled amazing – woodsy and all man. Even though I didn’t know him, the way he held me and the words he said made me feel safe and relaxed and I was actually able to slow my panicked breathing as my heart rate calmed down too.

My eyes started to fall closed, my body completely exhausted from the meltdown I’d had and also wonderfully comfortable where I found myself.

“Addy?” Startled, I opened my eyes and found Eli leaning in to see my face. “Are you okay?” His face was filled with panic and worry and I hated myself all over again for putting it there. “Asher and I…we didn’t know what to do and Kane…he just knew.”

“I’m okay,” I croaked as I forced a smile for him. I looked up and met Kane’s eyes again. He too looked worried, but he hid it with just the hint of a smile.

“You did good, Addy. Are you feeling better?” he asked. He released me just enough so I could sit up and face him, but his hands remained on my hips and I didn’t want him to let go.

“How did you know…what to do, I mean?” I asked. My throat hurt and my voice remained croaky.

“After the military I had panic attacks too. PTSD,” he replied. I wanted to ask him for more information, like if he still had them and how he stopped them, if he could, but he seemed uncomfortable with the subject, so I left it.

“Thank you…f-for helping me,” I told him instead.

“Anytime, gorgeous,” he told me with an even fuller smile.

“Can I get you something, sweetheart?” I turned at the sound of Asher’s voice and was shocked to find not only he and Eli stood there, but also Adam and Jordan too, and they all looked a little shaken.

“She should rest. Panic attacks can take a lot out of you,” Kane spoke up, then he looked to me. “I’m going to pick you up, okay?”

“I’m okay now. I c-can stand,” I argued.

“We’ll see,” he told me, then before I could say a word he stood up and lifted me with him like I weighed nothing. He held me under my butt, as I kept my arms around his neck so I wouldn’t just drop.

Reluctantly, once he was upright I lowered my legs and released my grip on him. I wanted to stay against him, warm and safe, but it was already madness that I’d held onto him as I had. He probably thought I was crazy and unstable.

He released his hold on me, moved his hands to my hips, and held me there as I lowered my weight to my feet. I’d barely released him before my legs started to tremble hard, but I tensed them and made them take my weight, refusing to look any weaker than I already did. My ribs and wrist were throbbing and my back burned angrily, but I forced myself to release Kane fully and stand as straight as I could.

I looked up to Kane triumphantly, hoping to prove I had been right that I could stand, but the way he was looking at me told me instantly he knew how hard I had to fight to remain that way. I had the distinct feeling that nothing ever got past this guy and I hated that, because I had so much I didn’t want others to see right then.

Thankfully, Asher had also noticed something because he appeared at my side and wrapped his arm around me before my legs gave out.

“What do you want to do, Addy? Do you want me to take you up to your room?” he offered. The second I looked up into his blue eyes all of my bravado failed me and my eyes filled with tears which I fought to hold back. All of the fear and noise may have quieted with the distraction of Kane, but it hit me hard as I looked at Asher.

“Th-there were more Asher,” I squeaked. “So many more. I…I remembered them, so many of them.”

“More what? What did you remember?” Jordan asked as Asher pulled me against his side and wrapped both of his arms around me.

I looked up at Jordan through my tear filled eyes as I spoke, “Men…monsters who h-hurt me.”

I was sobbing again as Asher gathered me into his arms and held me tight against his chest. I knew I’d promised myself I do better that morning, but how could I when I now knew how many men had hurt me, violated me, and who knew what else? That may not even be all of them. There could be more memories to come.

I was broken as Asher carried me upstairs, unable to stop sobbing brokenheartedly. How could I ever over come this? How could I ever be who I was before or get my life back knowing what was slowly returning to me? Knowing so many monsters had wrecked and destroyed me, piece by piece?

As Asher sat down and settled me in his lap, I buried my face against his chest and cried until there were no tears left. So much was going through my mind. Would those monsters be caught? Were they hurting other innocent women like me as I sat there? Would there be more to remember? Then the practical issues came to mind. How long ago was it? What if I had caught an STD from one of them? What if I’d become pregnant? I had no memory. Had I had a baby? Did I have a child out there? Did I lose a child? Did I have syphilis or some other deadly disease? Could I even have kids in the future after all they’d done to me? Did I even want to bring kids into this messed up world?

I was spiraling and losing every ounce of control I’d thought I had earlier that morning. I was drowning in the fear of what I had remembered and the possibilities of what was yet to come. Then my thoughts got really dark. Did I even want to be around to remember more? Was it worth suffering those memories when I was already so unsure that I could continue to live with what I already knew? What did I really have to live for anyway?

I had lost everything – my job, my home, all of my belongings, and – worst of all – me. I had lost myself. Who even was I anymore? I had shot a man! Yes he was a monster, but who had I become to be okay with such an act? How could I live knowing what had been done to me?

“Addy, we’re here. Asher and I were both here and I wish we could do something to make this all go away for you,” Eli said, pulling me from my thoughts.

“He’s right, sweetheart. I know we’re useless at knowing what to do, but don’t ever doubt that we’re here for you. You’re not alone. Whatever comes, whatever you have to get through, you will never be alone again. You have the both of us now,” Asher agreed.

“I’m s-so sc-cared I won’t be able t-to survive this,” I admitted, my words barely coming out of my tight throat. “I’m scared I w-won’t want to.”

“Don’t you say that, Addy!” Eli snapped as he looked over Asher’s shoulder and met my eyes. “You will survive this because you’re strong. You already survived two years of horror and you’re still here. Now you have us, and the guys downstairs. We won’t let you give up. We won’t let you stop fighting.”

“You’re exhausted. We all are. Why don’t we just try and sleep for a while, okay? Things will seem a little better once you sleep,” Asher told me.

“Will you…would you both stay with me?” I sniffled as I looked between them.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Asher promised as Eli nodded his own agreement.