Lost In The Dark (‘Lost’ #1)

CHAPTER 11

ADDY

As soon as consciousness returned to me, before I even opened my eyes, I recalled everything that had happened before I had cried myself to sleep.

I felt Eli and Asher were still at both of my sides, and judging by their steady breathing, they were both still asleep. I was glad for that at least. They had barely been able to sleep a wink since they’d met me, because I had awoken them with my screams each time they had dropped off. They had both looked exhausted that morning and the guilt I felt for that was huge.

More than anything I wanted to be stronger, if not for my own sake, then to spare the both of them. I had tried that morning. I had been so determined to do better and to not fall apart, but I don’t think I had even lasted ten minutes before I had lost it and had that panic attack. And I was angry at myself for that!

I had never in my life professed to be strong. I wasn’t and never had been, but I had always managed to keep myself together in public. No matter what happened to me as a kid, I had never let anyone in school, or at the jobs I worked, see how broken I felt inside. I had cried. God, had I cried, but it had always been in the privacy of our bathroom at home, a locked door keeping the rest of the world from seeing me at my weakest. Even my panic attacks were kept private. No one ever knew the mess I was inside and that was how I wanted it.

Now, my crazy darkness was spilling out of me left, right, and center and everyone around me was not only baring witness, but they were also being dragged right down with me.

I opened my eyes and glanced first to Eli on my right, then Asher on my left. We were all laid on top of the comforter, since the house was so warm. I had a feeling that was because of me too. They had both laid down with me and each held one of my hands as I continued to cry quietly, until eventually I must have worn myself out and fallen asleep.

Now they both looked peaceful and settled and I wanted to make sure they stayed that way. I refused to pull them from the sleep they both so desperately needed again. So I sat up and moved ever so slowly between them until I eventually slipped silently from the foot of the huge bed, and got to my feet.

Dizziness hit me hard and fast as I stood, but I managed to stumble over to the wall and brace myself against it without making any noise. I knew I needed to eat. I had barely eaten anything since I woke in that hospital bed weeks before, and judging by how skeletal I had become, I hadn’t eaten well in the months that I had no memory of either.

The idea of going down to the kitchen and meeting Adam, since that seemed to be his domain, scared me way more than it should, and I instinctively looked to my brothers for their support. I considered waking them, but how could I? I had just resolved in my mind that they desperately needed to sleep.

So instead I took a deep breath and opened the bedroom door. I told myself over and over that Adam was safe and that I didn’t need to be afraid of him, but my brain didn’t seem to believe me as I shakily moved down the stairs very slowly, the whole time leaning heavily against the wall for support and to stop the world from spinning.

It wasn’t until I got to the foot of the stairs and heard quiet music coming from the direction of the kitchen, that I realized I hadn’t even looked in a mirror before coming down. I had no doubt, after the episode that morning, and then sleeping for several hours, I looked a state. I ran a hand over my hair and realized it was half out of the tie I had used to tame it earlier, and definitely sticking up as it tended to do. I knew my face was probably blotchy with demon-red eyes, but there was no way I had the energy to get back upstairs, and even if I could, after everything, I found I wasn’t actually that bothered about the way I looked. I had bigger worries on my mind. Like the multiple men I had remembered abusing and raping me, during the flashback that morning. God, Addy, don’t go there!

I pulled my hair tie free and tried to tame my wild hair with my fingers a little, before fixing it into a bun again, then took a deep breath and forced myself to move forward. I needed to be stronger, and facing Adam and whoever else was in the kitchen would have to be step one.

Thankfully, as I slowly rounded the corner and made my way closer to the open kitchen area of the wide living space, I only found Adam in there. He had his back to me as he placed something into the oven, and he was quietly humming to the song playing on the radio. He had changed since the morning, now in jeans and a sweater that clung to him in just the right way.

It occurred to me that I had never really taken the time to appreciate men the way I had the guys who lived with Asher and Eli, but what red blooded woman could fail to notice just how attractive Adam, Jordan, and Kane were? They were like models, all very different but all devastatingly handsome. Suddenly not caring about the way I looked felt like a foolish decision. These guys and my brothers obviously cared about their appearance and there I was like a slob, not even bothering to run a brush through my wild mane of hair.

“Addy?” I jumped a little and snapped my eyes up to find Adam frozen in the kitchen, now facing me, and looking concerned. “Is everything okay?” he asked cautiously. He looked as though he dare not move a muscle for fear of scaring me. And who could blame him after that morning’s freak out?

“I…yeah,” I stuttered as I worked hard to maintain eye contact with him when all I really wanted to do was lower my eyes. “Asher a-and Eli…they’re asleep. I d-didn’t want to wake them.”

“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind you waking them.”

“I know,” I nodded. “But I…I’m okay and they n-need to sleep.” I pulled at the sleeves of my sweater so they covered my hands, my nerves beginning to overwhelm me.

“Yeah, I think they could definitely do with catching up on some Z’s,” he agreed with a nod. “Do you want to sit down? I was just getting things started for dinner tonight.” He waved his hands to the stools at the island he stood behind, and I nodded and shakily moved over to the seat furthest from him and closest to the door. I told myself Asher and Eli would hear me if I screamed for them.

Getting onto the high stool proved difficult without help, my ribs smarting with every movement, but I was relieved when Adam didn’t rush up behind me to help. I needed him to stay where he was, with a counter between us.

By the time I had sat and taken a few deep breaths for the pain, Adam was busying himself pulling ingredients from the refrigerator, though I noticed he was sneaking small glances at me with every item he grabbed.

“W-what are you making?” I asked, determined to try and show him I could be a regular, not crazy, person.

“Moussaka. It’s Eli’s favorite,” he replied as he looked to me with a gentle smile. His whole face softened when he smiled and I was relieved he seemed to have relaxed a little since he first saw me. It made things feel a little less tense.

“I don’t think I ever had it,” I shrugged. “It has eggplant, right?”

“Right,” Adam nodded. “It’s Greek. I don’t make it often because it has a lot of cream and cheese, but I figured we could all use some comfort food tonight.”

Because of me , I thought. Eli and Asher needed comfort food because of all of the stress I had landed on them. I never should have come home with them , I told myself. They were so much better without me messing everything up for them.

“Here honey, take these. They’re just Tylenol for the pain,” Adam said, startling me once more. When I looked up he was sliding two pills and a bottle of water across the counter towards me. I watched as he released them, then backed up a few steps again, setting me at ease enough to reach for the pills. I looked at them, relieved when I saw the brand name printed on them. I didn’t know Adam well enough to just take whatever he handed me without checking. Being lax had already destroyed my life. I could never allow that to happen again.

“Thanks,” I whispered as I grabbed the bottle, then realized opening it would be a struggle with my cast wrist. I cradled it between my body and my arm and managed to twist the cap, then scolded myself at how happy I was about that pathetic victory. I swallowed down the pills and prayed they’d do something to lessen the pain I was in.

“Can I make you something to eat? You missed breakfast and lunch. You have to be hungry?” Adam asked.

“Not really,” I replied as I put down the water and looked to him nervously. “But I know I sh-should try to eat something. It…I think it’s been a while.”

“Maybe something light? How about some eggs?” he offered kindly.

“If it’s not too much trouble?”

“Of course not. I love to cook. If you’re ever looking for me, I’ll either be in here, or the gym on the ground floor. That’s all I do - cook, workout, sleep, repeat,” he chuckled as he set to work getting eggs and a pan out.

I smirked at the idea he felt he needed to mention how much he worked out. The fact was abundantly clear from his ripped body.

“How long have you lived here…with Asher and Eli, I mean?”

“We’ve known each other since we were kids. When Jord and I lost our parents, I kind of lost it for a while, and Asher moved us in here so he could help me with Jordan, who was still just a kid.”

“I’m sorry…a-about your parents.”

“It was a long time ago,” he assured me as he glanced up with a sad smile. “I owe Asher a lot though. He took care of Jordan when I couldn’t.”

I looked to him with question, wondering if I should really pry further with a man I had scarcely met.

“Drugs,” he told me anyway. “My parents died in a car accident. I managed to get Jordan out, but I didn’t have time to save mom and dad. I got burned pretty badly and fucked up my shoulder trying. I got hooked on the pain meds the doctors gave me. One thing led to another, and several very dark years later I found myself alone, beaten half to death in some shitty drug house.

“That was rock bottom for me. I came to Asher, desperate for help, and he was there for me. He’s always been there for me – him and Eli. I did a stint in rehab, then came to live here. Jordan was already here and had been for the years I’d abandoned him. Six years later and I’ve stayed clean, but Asher won’t let us move out. He says we’re family and I can’t argue with that.”

I stared at him, slightly slack jawed. I couldn’t imagine him addicted to drugs, not that I knew much about drug addiction. But Adam, as he stood before me in that moment – he was the pinnacle of good health and clean living. I imagined he was the type who woke up and made disgusting spinach and kale smoothies. It was impossible to see him as he’d described, beaten half to death in a drug house.

“Sorry, I don’t know why I just said all of that. Way to bring the mood down, huh?” he laughed, obviously made uncomfortable by my silent staring.

“Remember who you’re talking to,” I scoffed. “I think I win at bringing the mood down after this morning.”

“You shouldn’t worry about that. Things are going to happen after what you’ve been through. We all know and expect that. None of us want you to feel awkward or embarrassed about any of it. We get it. I’m an addict with my own issues and daily battles, and Kane and Asher both came out of the military with PTSD. We’re used to our fair share of anxiety and nightmares around here,” he told me gently.

“Asher had PTSD?” I gasped, shocked. Asher seemed like the calmest, most composed person I had ever met. Nothing seemed to shake him and he always seemed in control. It was crazy to think of him having flashbacks and nightmares like I had been suffering.

“Still does, though he has a tight leash on it nowadays. He still has some bad nightmares though, and when they come, I can hear him yelling from the other side of the building,” Adam explained and I just looked at him with shock again. “Everyone’s a little fucked up, Addy. We all have our own demons to deal with. Sometimes they just get a whole lot louder in our heads, but eventually we can also find a way to quieten them down again.”

“And what if you can’t?” I asked weakly, sounding so defeated it terrified me. “What if there are too many of them screaming in your head to ever shut them up?”

“I don’t need to answer that, because I know you enough already, to know that isn’t you. You’re strong and you are going to find a way to quieten them all eventually,” he told me confidently. I just wished I could believe him.

“Here honey, try to eat something, okay? You’ll feel better if you can get some calories down,” Adam said as he handed me a plate of scrambled eggs with a slice of toast on the side.

“Thank you,” I whispered as I picked up the fork and watched it shake violently in my trembling hand. When I glanced up to Adam he was watching my hand too, his face filled with concern, but he turned away when he saw me looking.

“I also went to the store this morning and stocked up on your favorite drink,” he said as he stood from the huge refrigerator with a can of soda in his hand.

“You didn’t n-need to do that, but thank you.” I smiled gratefully as he slid the can across to me. I didn’t hesitate to break it open and take a long sip of the cold, fizzy drink. It tasted so good and I laughed a little when my taste buds went crazy at the sweetness.

“Good?” Adam chuckled. I looked up at him and saw an even brighter smile on his face. It was infectious and I found myself smiling too. It felt foreign, but so good.

“Definitely,” I nodded as I took another small sip, then set it on the counter. I grabbed the fork from the plate again and tried to tense my shaking hand so I could scoop some eggs. “It’s my weakness,” I admitted after the first mouthful. “I n-never liked coffee, and I don’t drink alcohol, but Diet Coke and chocolate are definitely my vices…or they were…before.”

“Then I’ll make sure we have plenty of both, though we’re usually pretty well stocked with chocolate and candy. That’s Jordan’s weakness,” he chuckled.

“He eats chocolate and candy and looks like that?” I asked. I was pretty sure when I saw Jordan he had looked like he didn’t have an ounce of fat on his hard body.

“His motto is ‘Work hard. Eat hard.’ He is literally always hungry. He’s been the same since he was a kid.”

“Lucky him,” I laughed. “I think I gain weight every time I just think about anything delicious. Or at least it seemed that way, you know? Before. Now I guess I could afford to gain a few pounds.” The smile slipped from my face as I looked at my hands which were literally skin and bone. I had once been curvy, and pretty happy to remain that way, but now…

“You’re still you, Addy. You survived everything those monsters put you through and you made it out. Don’t let them take anything else from you. You’re still Adeline. You can still like the things you liked before, and in time, you’ll feel like yourself again too. You just have to give it time, honey,” Adam told me.

“My mom used to call me ‘Adeline,’” I replied, my voice flat. I could hear my mom’s voice screeching for me even in that moment. She was always so weak and in so much pain, but she always found the energy to scream that damned name, and yell at me for doing everything wrong and being such a huge disappointment. “I stopped being her the day my mom died and I never want to be her again.”

I looked up and regretted spilling the words when I saw pity in Adam’s eyes. God, I was so pathetic!

“Addy…”

“No, don’t. I’m sorry. I d-didn’t mean to say that. I just…I prefer Addy, if that’s okay?” Luckily, he just nodded and didn’t say anything. “Thanks for the eggs,” I added as I held up a shaky forkful. “They’re really good.”

The atmosphere was awkward as I managed a few more forkfuls of eggs and half a can of soda before my stomach protested. I hadn’t eaten much, but I knew it would take time. My stomach had likely shrunk in the time I hadn’t been eating.

When I was done I walked around the counter to wash my plate, the whole time taking deep breaths to stave off my panic that there was no longer a counter between Adam and I, even though, deep down, I knew I was being ridiculous. Adam had been nothing but kind and gentle with me. I had no reason not to trust him enough to stand near him.

Adam was chopping vegetables, but he paused as I neared him and looked to me.

“Thanks again,” I said as I held up the plate I was holding.

“No problem. Just let me know when you’re hungry and I’ll make you something. Also help yourself to everything in the kitchen. This is your home now. We all want you to feel at home here.”

I nodded and lowered my eyes as I turned to the sink, not sure how to reply to such kindness.

“Just dump the plate there. I’ll take care of it,” he told me. I felt bad doing it, but I placed the plate down and hurried back around the counter. It was rude of me to not even clean up after myself, but my panic at being so close to him was rising. Maybe if Asher or Eli had been there I’d feel better, but in that moment I just felt overwhelmed and panicked.

“I…I should go and…” I pointed behind me to the stairs as I floundered.

“Addy.” I paused and turned to face him again. His eyes met mine as he spoke, “I know you don’t know me and definitely don’t trust me yet, but I want you to know anyway – I’m here for you, okay? If you need anything, be it cookies, toiletries, someone to talk with, or a shoulder to cry on, you can come to me. I hope in time we’ll become good friends,” Adam said emphatically.

“I hope so too,” I whispered as I gave him a shaky, unsure smile. “I just…I’m going to need time.”

“That’s okay. I’m not going anywhere,” he assured me with a wink. I managed a nod before I fled the room and hurried, as much as I could, towards the stairs.

The kindness in that house completely overwhelmed me and I didn’t know how to react to it or trust in it. Could these men, who I found myself with, really be as good as they seemed to be? It seemed impossible. I couldn’t get over the fear that trusting my gut instinct to rely on them would wind up pushing me even deeper into the darkness I now found myself lost in.