Lost In The Dark (‘Lost’ #1)

CHAPTER 12

ADDY

By the time I reached the door to my room I was out of breath and my ribs were agony with every inhalation. My hands were shaking and my heart pounding, but I was relieved I didn’t seem to be slipping into a full meltdown.

I took a moment to calm my breathing before I slowly and silently opened the door to my room and peeked in. I couldn’t help but smile in relief when I found Eli and Asher still fast asleep on my bed. They had both rolled to the outer edges, their backs to each other and a huge gap between them, but they still looked peaceful.

Knowing I couldn’t wake them, I backed out of the room and closed the door again. As much as I wanted at least one of them with me, I refused to disturb them. Instead I turned for the stairs again. When I got to the bottom I headed for the entrance hall. I was still feeling a little shaken, so I wanted to get outside for some fresh air. At least that was what I was telling myself, rather than admitting I was too nervous to face Adam again.

It wasn’t until I was opening the front door that I realized I didn’t have any shoes on. The sneakers I had been bought were still upstairs in the closet, and I simply didn’t have the energy to make it back up there again. I looked around me and found a large cupboard that I guessed was a coat closet off to the side. Upon opening it I found shelves lined with huge shoes, boots, and sneakers, obviously belonging to the guys. I grabbed the smallest looking pair of boots and placed them on the floor, slipping my feet into them easily. They were absolutely enormous on me, but I didn’t really care. I just needed to get outside and have some space.

Walking in the boots was laughable, especially when I got outside and had to navigate three huge, stone steps down from the front door, but thankfully no one was around to witness my waddling, shuffling walk.

Outside the sun was shining brightly, despite the fact the air was bitterly cold. A thin layer of snow had fallen and was covering everything in sight in a blanket of white.

As I rounded the side of the house I marveled at the sight of a huge back garden, that was landscaped with winding paths through the lawned area and filled with sporadically placed tall flower beds. In the very center sat a pergola, flanked at each corner with huge pots that I guessed were filled with plants underneath the snow covering them. Wanting to get a better look I dragged my feet down the path that led to it, which had been cleared of snow.

I hugged my arms around myself as I got closer, the cold biting into my fingers and already making my teeth chatter, but none of it bothered me enough to turn back. It was just so serene and peaceful out there. It was exactly what I had needed. The silence around me seemed to quell some of the anxiety and panic that had been swamping me since the moment I awoke in that hospital with no memory of how I had gotten there. Since then things had only gotten worse and the noise in my head – those screaming demons Adam had talked of – they had just gotten louder and louder until I felt like I was losing my mind entirely. But there, in that blissful, silent moment, the demons were quieter and I could actually breathe.

When I reached the pergola I found two benches inside of it, facing each other. Relieved to see they were dry I plonked myself down onto the closest one and let out a heavy breath. The walk had been enjoyable but exhausting and my panting breathing was not helping with the pain in my ribs, but better that than the noise in my head.

I closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the tall bench. I felt clearer than I had in weeks and that was a gift in that moment.

KANE

“Sir. Miss Brooks just left the property,” Leo’s voice came over the radio I had sitting on my desk in the security office.

“I know. Maintain your distance. I’ll handle it,” I told him, never once taking my eyes from the image on my laptop. I’d been alerted the second the front door of the house had been opened, so I had already been watching Addy, moving between the external surveillance cameras to monitor her.

At first I had been worried she was going to try and get off of the property, then I watched her almost fall down the steps from the door, barely staying upright in the way-too-big boots that clearly weren’t hers, and I knew she wasn’t getting far – not that I would have allowed her to leave the property alone anyway.

She was slowly making her way through the snow covered yard, and, even through the black and white image I was watching, I could see her trembling and her grimaces of pain with almost every step. What the hell was she doing?

I knew I needed to go out there and check on her. It was bitterly cold out, winter just beginning to set in, but coming fast, and she was only wearing jeans and a sweater. But I was holding back, praying she’d just see reason and take herself back inside.

I had already crossed a line that morning. I had stepped in to help her through the anxiety attack, despite knowing I needed to keep my distance. But I had been unable to just stand back and watch her suffer. She had been so fucking scared, especially when she came back to reality. Her sobs had broken my heart and I couldn’t have stopped myself from turning her into my arms and holding her tightly even if I could have thought straight, which I couldn’t.

She was just so fragile. It was so obvious how close she was to breaking and something inside of me refused to allow that to happen. She had been to hell and back, but she had survived and she was still standing. I admired the fuck out of her for that, and I knew no matter how hard I tried to tell myself I needed to keep my distance; I wasn’t going to. How could I? I knew what she was going through – some of it at least. I knew what it was like to live with darkness brewing inside of you, dragging you down into it’s depths at every tiny opportunity. I knew how it felt to be drowning with no idea of how to even start pulling yourself back to the surface.

No, she needed help and there was no way I could deny her that. I’d had Asher and my sister to help me when I needed them, and I knew without them I would never be who I was in that moment. Was I still pretty fucked up? Hell yes I was! But I could function. I could focus on my job and laugh with the guys. I could meet my sister in a busy restaurant once a week for dinner. I could seem normal and I was pretty sure that was the best I could hope for after what I had seen and lived. It was enough for me anyway. Maybe if I could help Addy find that it would be enough for her too.

The real issue was helping her without falling for her. I couldn’t do that, no matter how strongly I felt the pull to her. We may share a bond through our trauma – which I was pretty sure was what I was feeling – but that’s all it could ever be. I couldn’t be her friend. I was her security. Technically I worked for her now she was a Lyle. It was a line I could never cross. No matter how much I may want to.

“Fuck!” I cursed as I looked back to the screen and found her sat in the pergola in the center of the garden, her head rested back and her eyes closed. Was she seriously trying to sleep out there? She was going to freeze to death!

I jumped up and pulled my thick black parka from the hook beside the door, then I stormed from the security building at the back of the property and trudged through the snow. My heavy boots crunched enough that I knew she would hear me coming, so I didn’t need to worry about scaring her, unless she really was asleep already. I cursed under my breath and shook my head at that thought. Damn girl had no common sense!

I was just a few feet from the huge wooden pergola and still she hadn’t moved to look up. Her body was trembling, likely from the cold, and she was hugging herself tightly, obviously trying to keep warm, but before I stomped forward to yell at her, I paused and just studied her. She looked peaceful despite the fact she was clearly freezing her ass off. And she looked good too. She was too thin and obviously needed to gain some weight, but her hair was such a beautiful shade of dark brown, and it shone in the sunlight. She was pretty tall, which had always been my type and even her thin frame suggested curves would return if she could gain back a few pounds. If she’d just open her eyes and look at me I knew what I’d see. Deep, emerald pools that I could become lost in - the most stunning eyes that became even brighter when she smiled, not that I had seen her fully smile yet. God, I so badly wanted to see her face illuminated with a smile.

“Fuck!” I hissed again as I realized I had lost all control of my thoughts. So much for maintaining distance. One look at her and she had me lost in her completely.

I stepped onto the pergola, stamping my heavy boot down purposely, hoping she’d hear me and wake up. Thankfully, she did, but when she jumped violently and looked to me with pure terror, I felt like a complete ass for doing it.

“Kane!” She gasped as she slammed a hand over her chest and stared at me wide eyed.

“What are you doing?” I grumbled, my anger showing, but it wasn’t aimed at her. It was myself I was pissed with. The last thing she needed was to be afraid in her own home.

“I…I’m sorry. I j-just wanted some air,” she stuttered as she slowly slid to the very edge of the bench seat, getting further away from me. “Should I not…am I n-not allowed out here?” She very quickly glanced to the house and I saw her getting ready to bolt up and flee, but her eyes returned to me.

“Where’s your coat? It’s snowing. You’ll freeze out here,” I growled, still unable to hide my annoyance.

“I…y-you’re right. I shouldn’t…I…I’ll j-just go…back inside. I’m s-so sorry.” Her words were shaking now as she got to her feet and almost tripped over the huge, damned boots in her hurry to get away.

I strode forward and grabbed her arm before she fell completely, but the second my hand landed on her arm she gasped and froze – looking up to me with so much fear it cut me to the bone. She was terrified of me and that was all my fault. I made myself take a deep breath, but I didn’t release her. She was so shaky and I feared she’d drop if I released her.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” I told her more gently. “Just get your footing before you fall, okay?” She nodded, but she refused to take her eyes from me as she readjusted her feet and seemed steadier.

“Thanks,” she whispered when I released her and took a step back. “Sorry I b-bothered you.”

“You didn’t,” I replied. “And you are allowed out here. It’s your home. You can go wherever you like. Just…if you’re coming out here you need shoes that fit you and a warm coat, yeah?”

“S-sorry. I…I wasn’t thinking.”

“Put this on.” I handed her my parka which I knew would swamp her, but she was shivering way too much, and as slight as she was I worried hypothermia could set in pretty quickly.

“Oh, no. I…I’m okay. I’ll g-go back in.” She pointed a thumb behind her towards the house.

“Put it on, Addy,” I told her flatly. I was relieved when she reached as far as she could with out stepping closer to take the coat. She slipped it on and pulled it around her. “Thanks.”

“I’ll walk you back to the house. You’re going to break your neck in those fucking boots. Where did you even get them? Don’t you have shoes?”

“I have shoes. I forgot them,” she answered as she started walking. I fell into step beside her, leaving enough of a gap to make her more comfortable, but staying close enough to grab her if she stumbled again. “How did you know I was out here?”

“My office is at the back of the property. I was alerted when the front door of the house was opened, and I also have men patrolling the entire property twenty-four hours.”

“You do?” she asked as she started to look all around her. I pointed across the garden to where Leo was just heading down the far side of the house and she gasped. “I d-didn’t even see them.”

“They’re trained to be as unintrusive as possible. This is still your home,” I explained.

“Isn’t that a little over the top? Twenty-four hour patrols. Are we…is it really that dangerous?”

“I increased the patrols when you came here. They used to just do a sweep every couple of hours before.”

“So you…you think I’m in danger? Am I putting Asher and Eli in danger being here?” she asked as she stopped and faced me, panic all over her face, her eyes wide with fear once again.

“No one is in danger. I have the security covered. No one is getting on this property,” I tried to reassure her.

“But you d-do think someone could come for me?”

“It’s just a precaution,” I hedged.

“Don’t do that, please Kane. I need to know if it involves me. I n-need to know if my life is at risk,” she pleaded.

I sighed deeply then focused on her as she watched me with scrutiny. “We don’t know, is the honest answer. It’s unlikely the traffickers would bother coming to get you back, but there is a chance some of the senator’s associates could be worried about what you know.”

“What I know? I d-don’t know anything. I barely remember a thing.”

“They don’t know that, and there was proof in the senator’s diary that he took you to some parties. It’s likely other high profile people were at those functions. People you can now identify if your memory returns,” I explained, hating every word. The last thing I wanted was to scare her more, but she was right – she should know what was going on.

“Parties? Why would he take me to parties? Wouldn’t everyone know what he was doing to me if they saw me?” she asked so naively it hurt. She really was so innocent. I had no idea how she was going to cope with the things I was sure she had been through when her memories returned.

“These parties would be filled with like minded monsters. The people who would be there would very likely have bought girls…or guys, just the way Hilton bought you.”

“Oh God!” She gasped as she stepped back and slammed a hand over her mouth. “Y-you mean like sex parties? Oh God!” she tried to back up again but tripped over the boots and fell back into the snow, thankfully on the grass, before I could catch her.

“Addy!” I rushed forward and dropped down to my knees beside her, the wet snow soaking through my cargo pants instantly.

“No,” she whispered as she curled on her side and covered her face. “No, no, no!”

“Addy, come on, angel. Sit up and look at me,” I told her as I tried to grab her arm to help her up, but her whole body was taut, and she had curled tightly into herself. I worried about how cold she would get now her jeans were soaking up the water. I was just glad my coat, which covered most of her, was waterproof.

As she lay there, continuing to chant ‘no’ as she covered her face, and refused to move, I knew I had to do something, so I picked her up in my arms and headed back to the pergola. I knew I should take her inside, but I didn’t want to. I had messed up by telling her too much and I wanted to fix it before her brothers took her from me.

“Addy?” I said softly as I sat with her in my lap and cradled her head to my chest. “Talk to me, please.”

She took in a loud breath then lifted her head to look at me. Her eyes were watery and she looked even paler than she had before, but I could see her fighting to keep it together. “I…I know what you’re talking about…the parties. I’ve seen it on TV. You mean they had like slaves, right? People like me who they trained. People they swapped at these parties, right?”

“I don’t know exactly, but yeah, I’m guessing it was something like that. The FBI has some intel on the group Hilton was a part of, but they don’t know who the members are. Dates in Hilton’s diary match up with some dates the FBI had for these gatherings, from an informant.”

“So I was there. I was his….h-his slave?” her voice broke at the end and tears slipped from her eyes and ran down her cheeks.

“We don’t know that, but if you were there, you can identify other attendees and they are not going to like that.”

“How would they know that I even got away?” she asked shakily. I was relieved when she tucked her arms around herself and leaned into me even more. I needed the contact. It was killing me that I was causing her more pain.

“When Hilton died, it was all over the news. They knew that a young woman had been questioned over the shooting. Then the secret rooms in the basement were found and it all came out about Hilton. It wouldn’t take much for the sick fucks that were at those parties to put two and two together.”

“Oh God! This is n-never going to end,” she whimpered.

“No one knows where you are, Addy. No one knows you’re linked to Eli and Ash, except the lawyer and family, and none of those people will talk. You’re safe here,” I tried to tell her, but she shook her head.

“I can’t just hide out here forever, Kane. What h-happens when I feel ready to get a job, or move to my own place? What happens if I meet my brothers for dinner one day in the future and someone gets a photo of us? At some point it will come out that I’m here,” she cried breathlessly.

“None of us will ever let anyone hurt you. We can and will protect you.”

“You can’t pr-promise that,” she said with a vigorous shake of her head. “I…I have to choose. If I stay here with Asher and Eli I’ll always be at risk, but if I go, maybe I could disappear. Maybe I could be safe that way?” she looked up at me with so much pain and confusion.

“Maybe,” I nodded. “But you’d be alone, and if those monsters did find you, no one could protect you. Here you’re safe and you have your brothers to help you through whatever comes. Not just them either. You have Adam and Jordan. They’re good guys and they want to be there for you.”

“A-and you?” she looked up at me with those wide eyes and my heart just about broke.

“I will protect you with my life, Addy. Nothing will ever happen to you as long as I’m still breathing,” I promised her as I met her eyes and became lost in them. That pull I felt to her was so strong and I was having to fight hard not to lean in and kiss her pouty lips.

“Why do I feel safe with you?” she asked breathlessly.

“You see my broken,” I admitted to her. “Just like I see yours. You know, deep down, that I understand what you’re going through, just the way I know you get my fucked up too.”

“You don’t even know me?”

“I know enough. I see you Addy, all of you,” I told her. I was even closer to leaning in and kissing her, which was insane, because I knew it would likely terrify her. Only I couldn’t stop myself. I was being pulled to her and there seemed to be nothing I could do to stop it. She just fit with me so perfectly and I didn’t even fully understand why.

“ADDY?” The loud shout from around the front of the house jolted me back to reality and I sat up and took a deep breath. What the fuck was wrong with me? I barely even knew this woman and I was professing she was made for me? It was insanity!

Addy jolted too and turned to look behind her as Asher came jogging around the house, Adam right behind him. Neither of them were dressed for the cold and I guessed they had just realized she wasn’t inside the house.

“I’m here!” she called back, then she turned to me, still looking massively confused and a little bewildered.

“Thank you…f-for telling me the truth. I know I freaked out, but I needed to know,” she told me. I nodded just once, then helped her to clamber off of my lap. “I should go.” She started to pull off my coat, but I stood and stopped her by placing my hand over her uninjured one.

“Keep it until you have your own, and don’t come out here without it again, okay?”

“I won’t.” She gave me a nervous smile then turned to walk away, just as Adam and Ash made it to the pergola.

“There you are,” Asher sighed. “We were worried when we couldn’t find you.”

“Sorry. I just needed some fresh air,” she replied.

“Everything okay?” Adam asked as he looked between Addy and me. I ran a hand through my hair nervously as Addy nodded.

“It’s freezing out here, sweetheart,” Asher told her as he focused solely on her and how much she was shivering.

“She’s too cold. You should take her back inside,” I grumbled as I backed away from them all. “And get her some damned snow boots!”

I heard Asher and Adam laughing at the fact she was trudging around in Eli’s boots and telling her they would order her a pair of her own once they got inside, but that was it because I strode as fast as I could back to the office and away from them all.

I had almost kissed her! What a monumental fuck up that would have been! I had no idea why I couldn’t control myself around her. It wasn’t like me at all and I hated it. Not her. I definitely didn’t hate her, but what she did to me was so confusing and I was a mess. What the fuck was wrong with me? I needed to stay away from her, but how could I do that when I had been assigned with her personal security? I would never let Asher down after all he had done for me, so I couldn’t refuse the job. I was totally fucked and I knew it.