One Big Happy Family

Chapter 19

19

Dana eyed the half-full bottle of wine. The responsible thing to do was to put the cork back in so the bottle would be there for tomorrow’s dinner, but in her heart of hearts, she wanted another glass. Or twenty.

“I’m in for whatever you want to do,” Tiffany said lightly.

“Getting drunk won’t make me feel better.”

Sad, but true, Dana thought as she pushed the bottle away. She put her arms on the table and rested her head on them.

“Why does it have to be like this?”

“You’re still in love with Axel. Until you can get over him, or figure out a way to make the relationship work, you’re going to feel awful. It just is.”

Dana sat up and looked at her. “Really? That’s your answer?”

“It’s the truth.”

“You sound like my mother.”

Tiffany smiled as she pushed the cork back into the bottle. “That’s so nice. Thank you. Julie’s the strongest person I know. I’d love to be more like her.”

They were sitting in the dining room, in the farthest seats from the doorway. It was the only place Dana had thought where they could hang out and talk without being overheard by everyone in the house.

“I should be more like her, too,” she grumbled. “She would never let any guy treat her the way he’s treated me. She keeps a baseball bat in her office. The woman knows how to take a swing. I wish she’d taught me.”

“So you could go after Axel?”

“Maybe.” Dana thought about it for a second. “No, I couldn’t deliberately attack him or anyone. I just don’t know how to stop hurting so much. You’re right—I’ve got to figure out a way to get over him. I’ve been living with my life on hold. I’m either with Axel and all is well, or I’m not and it’s like the world is one big gray cloud. I’ve given him too much power.”

“Or yourself not enough.”

Dana nodded. “You’re right. I’m defining myself by him. It’s just everything is so much better when we’re together, you know? He’s so...there. He does the dishes without being asked. He buys those ridiculously expensive bodywashes I love and puts them in the shower. Then he uses them, swearing he doesn’t care if he smells like a vanilla coconut cupcake.”

She thought about the other things he did—the private things, when they were alone in bed. With Axel, Dana never worried her forty extra pounds were an issue. He told her she was beautiful and that sex with her was incredible. He locked eyes with her when he came, letting her see what her body did to his.

A shiver rippled through her—two parts longing, one part regret. The longing was easy, but the regret was more complex. She wasn’t sure whether it was about what she’d lost or what she couldn’t have. Maybe the answer was both.

“Wow,” Tiffany breathed. “The look on your face. You have it bad, girlfriend. You sure there’s no way to make it work?”

“He doesn’t stay. He tells me he loves me and then he leaves.” That was the essential pain of their relationship.

“And he told you it was because he didn’t think he was good enough?”

“Yeah.” Dana looked at Tiffany. “I don’t understand. He’s not a game player. He says what he thinks. He shows up when he says. When he makes a promise, he keeps it. To the best of my knowledge, he’s never lied to me. All the times we were together, he went out of his way to make sure I knew where he was and who he was with. I could depend on him for anything.”

“What if he’s telling the truth?”

Dana had just enough wine in her to be comfortable rolling her eyes like a twelve-year-old. “Is that the best you have? He’s terrified I’ll marry him, figure out it was all a mistake and then dump him?”

“Occam’s razor.”

“Armadillo jewelry.”

Tiffany blinked at her. “What?”

“I thought we were saying random words.”

Tiffany started laughing. “No, it’s a thing. Occam’s razor.”

“You can keep repeating it all you want, but I still don’t get it.”

Tiffany did her best to stifle her giggles. “It’s a theory—the simplest solution or answer is probably the right one. We don’t have to overanalyze or complicate things.” She locked her gaze with Dana’s. “What if Axel is telling the truth?”

Dana still didn’t know what her friend was talking about. “You’re saying accept what he’s saying and deal with it as reality?”

“Yes.”

“But it’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? Why?”

“Because there’s no reason for Axel to feel uncomfortable in any situation.”

“No one feels comfortable all the time.”

Dana wanted to say that wasn’t true—what about her mom? Only Julie had been afraid to say she was dating Heath because of the age difference. Dana wouldn’t have guessed it was possible for her mom to be anything but totally secure and in charge.

“Besides,” Tiffany continued, “guys are weird. They get ideas in their head and then they react.”

“But if you’re right, then Axel’s been breaking my heart over and over again because he’s afraid of something I haven’t done and may never do in the future.”

“I think it’s possible.”

“I’m back to thinking I should go talk to my mom about borrowing her baseball bat.”

“Or you could talk to him.”

Dana glanced longingly at the wine bottle. Why had she thought she was done?

“You mean have a rational conversation about our feelings and his fears and try to find a solution?”

“Yes.”

“No.” Dana sighed. “Sorry. Knee-jerk reaction. It is the mature thing to do. And I will. When I’m feeling brave.”

“Or you could do it now.”

Dana’s eyes widened. “It’s after midnight. I’m sure he’s asleep.”

“He’ll want to wake up for this.”

“Talking to me about our relationship and why he keeps leaving me? I don’t think so. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

“On Christmas Eve?”

“It’s already past midnight, so technically it’s already Christmas Eve day.”

“You’re right. And speaking of which, I have to get to bed. The kids are going to be crazy in the morning. Madeline really gets shrill when she’s excited, so brace yourself.”

“I will.”

They both rose and hugged.

“Thanks for the advice,” Dana said.

“Anytime.”

Tiffany headed downstairs while Dana went through the main floor to the staircase she would take. She’d just put her hand on the railing when she came to a stop.

How long was she going to put off talking to Axel? Shouldn’t she get things resolved so that she could get some closure and start to have a happy life? Okay, a case could be made that he’d already told her what he thought about their future, or lack thereof. He was scared.

“Of a bunch of accountants?” she murmured to herself. “Sure, they’re good guys, but they’re not scary. Besides, we don’t wear suits anymore. And half the people I work with are women.”

She thought maybe she wasn’t making sense and possibly she’d gotten off the point of whatever this was. Still, she turned on her heel and marched toward the big sofa in the family room. The soft glow of the Christmas lights from the tree allowed her to see where she was going. She clicked on one of the lamps, prepared to shake Axel awake, only to find him already sitting up.

“Oh. You’re awake.”

He looked at her. “I have been for a while.”

There was something in his tone. Something pointed, as if he were...

“You could hear us talking?”

She was proud that she asked the question without as much of a shriek as it deserved.

“You know what the acoustics are like in this place.”

Humiliation flooded her, making her cheeks burn and her feet start moving. But before she could take more than a step, Axel was up and had grabbed her wrist.

“Dana, wait. Tiffany’s right. We should talk.”

She tried desperately to remember what she’d said. She was fine with the baseball-bat threat, but the rest of it was so embarrassing.

“Please,” he said, tugging gently.

She pulled her wrist free of his touch and glared at him. “You want to talk? Fine. Here’s what I have to say. You don’t get to decide. You don’t get to tell me you love me and then walk away. It’s cowardly and wrong.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“You’re just saying that because you want me to stop telling you you’re wrong.”

“You can say that as many times as you want and every time I’ll agree. I am wrong. I should stay.”

The unexpected words knocked all the mad right out of her. She sank onto the sofa. He sat down, as well.

“You terrify me,” he said, his voice low. “You have no idea what it’s like loving you. I’ve met your friends. They’re all smart and successful. Your best friend Shelley’s married to a nurse practitioner. How many years of college does that take? Blair has a degree. Your mom’s with a guy who owns a successful business. You could have anyone. Why would you stay with me?”

“Why do you think my love is dependent on what you do for a living? I’ve always known what you did, and I was fine with it. For the record, my grandfather drove tow trucks, as did my mom, as does my brother.”

“But they all moved on. Your grandfather started the business, your mom runs it and Nick’s leaving to buy into a retail place. You have a four-year degree, Dana. Hell, a couple of years ago you were talking about getting your MBA.”

“For like a week. I wasn’t sure I wanted to put in the effort.” She’d been restless, looking for something more fulfilling. Then she and Axel had started dating and she’d realized the thing she wanted was him, and them and a family.

“I don’t believe you,” she said flatly. “That’s what this comes down to. I don’t believe you really want to stay. I don’t know what this game is, and I wonder if that’s why I can’t let go. You’ve never played games with me except about this. I don’t know if it’s a power play or some emotional sickness you won’t own up to, but one way or the other, I’m going to get over you.”

She was watching him as she spoke and saw the pain flash through his eyes. It was gone in a second, but she’d seen it.

“I’m glad,” he said hoarsely. “You deserve someone better.”

Impulsively she grabbed him by the front of his T-shirt and tried to shake him.

“Why?” she demanded. “Why do you want me with someone else? Why won’t you fight for me?” Tears filled her eyes. “Why are you so willing to let me be with someone else? If you loved me, you wouldn’t let me go.”

And there it was, she thought, releasing him and covering her face with her hands. The truth of it all. Even if he was telling the truth about why he kept leaving, he wouldn’t fight for her or stop her from falling in love with someone else. He could say the words, but he wouldn’t take the chance.

“You’re not going to change,” she whispered, wiping her cheeks. “You’re never going to change.”

“What if I could? What if I wanted to, but didn’t know how?”

She shook her head. “You’re just saying that to keep me hoping. To get one more heartbreak out of me.”

“When I was lying on the street, shot and wondering if I was going to die, you’re who I thought of, Dana. You’re who I regretted. I thought of all we could have been together, the life we could have had, and I knew I’d regret losing you forever. I wanted...” He looked away. “I wanted to be the right man for you—someone you could be proud of.”

She wanted to shake him again, although she’d been unsuccessful in her first attempt. “I don’t care about your regrets. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you’re desperately in love with me, and no matter what, you’re never leaving again. I want you to swear it, and then I want you to live it. Every day prove to me that you’re staying.”

“I don’t understand.”

“What’s not to understand? Regrets are stupid. If you’re telling the truth, then everything you want is sitting right here, telling you she loves you. How dumb do you have to be to let me go again?”

“Pretty dumb.” He touched her cheek. “I can’t be like them, Dana. Those fancy guys.”

“The accountants? Trust me, they’re not all that, and you could take any of them in a fight.”

That earned her a half smile that quickly faded. “You’re everything. If I could be just half the man you need, I’d take a chance. But if you knew what you were asking...”

She wanted to scream or hit him or throw a piece of furniture, but mostly she wanted to know why he couldn’t see what she saw. He was defining himself by his lack of what he saw as education and refinement.

“I don’t agree with the premise of your concern,” she told him. “You don’t need to be like them.”

“I don’t think you need to lose any weight, let alone the forty pounds you’re always talking about.”

She drew back. All righty then—that was a twist in the conversation. She ignored her instinctive need to fold her arms across her midsection to hide the bulges there.

“My being fat has nothing to do with you being able to handle yourself at a stupid Christmas party with my work associates. What you wear doesn’t matter to me, but you seem obsessed with the suit thing, so we’ll get you a suit.” She paused, thinking of Axel all dressed up. “Or not. A few of the women in my office are going to be all over you, regardless of how you’re dressed, but in a suit, you’ll be irresistible.”

“I still won’t have an education.”

“Not everything is about going to college. You’re good at what you do. You’re kind and you treat me like a princess—except now when you make me want to throw you out a window.”

“You’re amazing, Dana, but you don’t have the upper body strength.”

“Gee, thanks.” She looked at him. “I can’t tell if we’re making progress or if we’re talking in circles. Just tell me what’s going to happen. Claim me or let me go forever. If you ever loved me, do that for me.”

She thought he might make a joke or turn away. Instead, he stared into her eyes.

“I meant what I said about lying in the street and thinking about you. It was cold and raining, and while I knew it was just a flesh wound, I figured there was a better than even chance the guy was going to come back and finish the job.”

He cupped her cheek. “You’re all I could think about. You and us and what we could have had. I’ll never be one of them, Dana. I’ll never know which fork goes where or what kind of wine to serve with dinner. But I would face the devil himself for you. I wouldn’t need a fair fight to win, either. I’d take him, I’d die, so you’d be okay. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

The words warmed her heart, but she knew better than to accept them as the answer. Because loving her wasn’t the problem.

“And?”

“I want to be worthy of you. I’ve been working on some things and I’m hoping...” He shook his head. “No, that’s not it, is it? This isn’t about me being worthy. It’s about me growing a pair and saying I’m willing to face my greatest fear.”

He took her hands in his. “Dana, you’re right. I’ve been running because I couldn’t face what I knew was going to happen. If you leave me, you leave me. But until that day, I’m going to show up. I swear to you, I’ll be here, no matter what. If this thing ends, it’s going to be you calling it quits. Not me. I’m in this to the end. You talk about how you never stopped loving me, well, I felt exactly the same. I’ve loved you from the first moment we met. You’re the most beautiful, exciting, smart, funny and sexy woman I’ve ever known. I don’t know why you want to be with me, but I’ll be grateful for the rest of my life for that.”

Then he shocked the crap out of her by sliding off the sofa, onto one knee. He flinched slightly, no doubt from the pain in his bad leg, but he stayed in place.

“Dana Parker, will you marry me?”

“Get up,” she said, trying to drag him back to the sofa. “You’ll bleed out or something.”

He got to his feet and pulled her into his arms. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m not.” She realized she was. Seconds later, the meaning of his words sank into both her brain and her heart. Wait, what? Had Axel really just proposed? “Did that just happen? You said you wanted to marry me?”

“Yes. I love you and I want us to be married. I want babies with you and a good life. You’re the one for me, and I’m hoping you think the same about me.”

When the man went in, he went all in. Joy filled her. Joy and hope and a sense of sureness that made her want to fly. She flung her arms around him. “Yes! Yes, of course.”

He kissed her. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Probably not, but you’re stuck now. The second we tell my mom, there’s no going back.”

“I don’t have a problem with accountability.” He kissed her again, then drew back. “I meant what I said about being worthy of you, Dana. I want to make that happen.”

She waved his comment away. “I don’t even know what that means. You love me and you’re staying. That’s enough.”

“You’ve always been too easy on me.”

He kissed her again, lingering this time. Wanting exploded. She’d been without Axel in her bed for far too long. And they were getting married. Sex was absolutely required.

She took his hand and started for the stairs, only to come to a stop.

“Oh, no. Can you make the climb?”

He chuckled. “Yes. I’m motivated, Dana. I could get to the top of Everest, if you were the reward.”

They started up the stairs.

“We’re going to have to be quiet,” she said, her voice low. “Gwen’s room is right next to mine, and the walls are kind of thin.”

He slipped his hand down to cup her butt. “I don’t think I’m the one who has to be reminded to be quiet. If I remember correctly, you’re the one who likes to scream.”

Another shiver rippled through her. “Then you’ll have to make it less incredible.”

“That’s not going to happen, babe. You deserve the best, and I’m the man for the job.”