Perfect Enough

Chapter Twenty-Five – Josh

Chapter Twenty-Five

JOSH

I stood on the porch outside Grams and Granddad’s house and stared at the front door. Drawing in a deep breath, I knocked, and then opened it.

“Hello?” I called out, waiting for someone to reply.

“Josh?” Grams said from the direction of the kitchen. “I’m in the kitchen.”

I quickly walked through the house and found her rolling out a pie crust. Walking over, I kissed her on the cheek. “Hey, Grams.”

“Hello, sweetheart. If you’re looking for your parents, I made them go back home.”

Frowning, I asked, “You’re here alone?”

She stopped rolling the dough and looked at me. “Yes. I am very capable of being here by myself. I may be heartbroken, but I still know how to take care of myself. Besides, I needed to be alone for a bit.”

“Oh. So…is now a bad time?”

“Nonsense! I love it when you kids come and visit. I just don’t need my sons breathing down my neck.”

I smiled and sat on one of the stools at the island. “What are you making?”

Rolling the dough once again, she smiled. “Your grandfather’s favorite pie.”

“Apple.”

“You bet! Want to help?” she asked with a hopeful smile.

“Of course,” I said, rolling up my sleeves. “Do you need me to peel them?”

“Peel and slice. You remember where the apple slicer is, right?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I replied as I grabbed my favorite knife and the apple slicer.

She pointed to the apples and said, “Do three pink lady and three of those green apples there.”

I started peeling the apples without hesitation while she continued with the dough. We worked in silence for about five minutes before she spoke.

“Where’s that darling girlfriend of yours?”

My stomach lurched, and the breakfast I managed to eat threatened to come back up. “I think I messed up big time with her, Grams. Actually, I know . I don’t think.”

“How so?”

I sliced one of the apples and put them in the bowl Grams had set out for me.

“I was in a dark place the day of the memorial, and I wasn’t very kind to her. The next day, I told her to pack her things and leave.”

She stopped what she was doing and looked at me. “Are you paraphrasing, I hope?”

Shaking my head, I replied, “I wish. I just needed to be alone. To figure some things out.”

“Such as?”

“I don’t know. I keep thinking maybe if I’d been here on the ranch the day he passed, I could have helped him. I could have started CPR.”

“That was done, Josh. It was too late.”

“No,” I said to her as I put the knife down. “I know how to do it properly . I’ve had training. Maybe Lincoln was doing it wrong, and Uncle Brock was as well. If I’d been there…I could have saved him.”

Grams put the rolling pin down, wiped her hands on her apron, and faced me. “Is that what you think, Josh? That you could have saved him where the others failed?”

“It’s my job to save people, Grams.”

“And that’s pretty damn arrogant of you to say.”

Shocked, I took a step back. “What? Why?”

“You’re not the only one who feels guilt, Josh. Every hour on the hour, I wonder why it wasn’t me. Why him ? Maybe if I had been in the kitchen with him those few extra moments might have made a difference. What about Lincoln or Brock, who both desperately tried to save him, how do you think they feel? I stood here in this very kitchen and couldn’t do a damn thing to save my husband.”

“Grams,” I started, but stopped when she held up her hand.

“Josh, grief is a powerful, powerful thing. I dealt with it when my parents died, when your uncle Beck died, and now with your grandfather. I would give anything to have him standing here with us in this kitchen. Anything . But do you know what I do when I start to feel like I’m drowning in my grief? I think about all the years I did have him here by my side. I think of the love he felt for me, his kids, his grandchildren. I think about how Beck sent his son to meet his grandfather and he got to spend the few precious years with him that he had. Your grandfather loved hard, and he was loved even harder.

“Your grandfather had a wonderful life, and as pissed off as I am that he’s gone, I’m so thankful I had him in the first place. I know for a fact he wouldn’t want me to drown in the grief, just like he wouldn’t want you to, either. Or in guilt. He would want to see you live on in his memory. He’s not gone, Josh. He’s right here.” She placed a hand on my chest, over my heart, and one on hers. “He will always be a part of us.”

I felt the tears roll down my face and closed my eyes. “I messed things up with Sophia, and I’m not sure she’s ever going to forgive me.”

The feel of my grandmother’s arms around me caused me to open my eyes. I wiped at the tears. “I’m so sorry. You’ve got so much on your plate, and here I am, putting my problems on your shoulders.”

“That’s what I’m here for, Josh. You’re not putting anything on my shoulders. Now, finish those apples and tell me what happened.”

I walked over to the sink, splashed my face with cold water, and washed my hands. I got back to work on the apples…and I told her everything. I even told her how I’d been saving myself, how Sophia had denied me the night of the memorial, and how poorly I’d treated her afterward.

“Why were you ignoring her texts, Joshua?”

“I was embarrassed, mostly. For the way I’d acted. And I felt horrible for hurting her. I wanted to reply, but I wasn’t sure what to say. I was so rude, and I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to see me again.”

“Oh, I don’t think that’s the case. I saw the way she looks at you.”

Smiling, I glanced at her. “Really?”

She laughed. “Josh, she’s in love with you.”

I nodded. “She kind of told me she was. Not directly…I don’t think she meant to say it.”

Grams waved her hand in the air. “I watched three of my sons fall madly in love, and I knew before any of them did. It was the same with your grandfather,” she said with a warm smile. “I knew he was in love with me before he did. He’d probably tell you the same thing.”

Smiling, I said, “I’m going to miss him so much.”

Her smile faded some. “I am, too. But I have all of you to keep my mind busy. And, of course, to keep me busy leading you down the right path when you’ve strayed so terribly far from it.”

We both laughed, and it felt so damn good. I could tell even Grams was feeling a bit better.

She put the rolled crust into a pie plate, wiped her hands on her apron, and turned to face me. “Now, let’s talk about what to do about you and Sophia.”

Nate looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “You want me to do what?”

“Call Sophia and tell her you need to speak to her about me.”

“She’s going to think something’s wrong with you.”

“Something is wrong. My life isn’t complete without her in it.”

Nate rolled his eyes. “Oh, God, you sound like my dad when he talks about my mother.”

Smiling, I replied, “I’ll take that as a compliment. Now, are you going to help me with this or not?”

“I’m not lying to her to get her here. I don’t feel right about doing that.”

“Did I ask you to lie?”

He folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the kitchen counter. His gaze swept over all the food on the island, the pots on the stove, and the open cookbook Grams had given me. Half the pages were marked with recipes she’d said I needed to cook.

“Why didn’t you just hire a caterer to make all this food? You’re making a huge mess.”

“It’s important I do it myself.”

He held up his hands in defeat. “If you say so. I will never understand this strange behavior.”

Confused, I asked, “What strange behavior?”

He pointed to the mess in the kitchen, the six vases of flowers on the kitchen table, the candles I’d asked Lilly for, and the box of chocolates my mother told me to buy. I’d known growing up with my mother when my father fucked up, chocolates went a long way with making up.

“Someday, Nate, a woman will walk into your life and turn it upside down, and then you’ll understand all this.”

He laughed. “I doubt it, but I’ll go along with you only because I like Sophia and think she’s good for you.”

My phone rang, and I looked to see it was Cap calling. I picked it up and put it on speaker. “Cap, did you get my message?”

“I did, as well as your email. Josh, you should take a bit more time to think this through. It’s not a good idea to make these decisions after such big, life-altering events.”

I looked up to see Nate watching me. So far, Grams was the only person who knew I was leaving the fire department.

“Sir, while I appreciate your advice, this has been something I’ve given a lot of thought to. As much as I love being a firefighter, I need to focus on my family.”

“Josh, are you sure you’re not just doing this because it’s what your grandfather would have wanted?”

Taking a moment to answer him, I replied, “My grandfather was proud of me and what I’d chosen to do with my life. He never once pressured me to work on the ranch. I was the one who’d always thought I wanted something different, but a few things have become abundantly clear to me since his death. One of those is my desire to work on the ranch, side by side with my family.”

“You’re absolutely sure about this?”

Smiling, I glanced at Nate, who had a stunned look on his face. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life, sir.”

“Well, then I guess the only thing I can do now is wish you the best. You’ll always have a place here if you change your mind.”

“Thank you, sir. I appreciate that more than you know.”

“Good luck, Josh. Don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t, and thank you.”

After hanging up with my now-former boss, I looked at Nate.

A slow smile spread across his face. “You quit?”

I nodded. “I did. No one else knows except for Grams.”

“Grams?” he asked. “You talked to her about leaving the fire station?”

“We talked about a lot of things while I peeled apples for an apple pie.”

Nate smiled again, softer now, and I knew he was remembering that apple pie was Granddad’s favorite. “I suppose she helped you devise this plan to win Sophia back?”

“I’m hoping I haven’t lost her, and she’s just pissed at me.”

“Listen, about the bar and Sophia being there, I honestly had no idea the girl Decker liked was the same Chloe as Sophia’s best friend.”

Looking up from the sauce I was stirring, I replied, “I know. I also know you would never set me up, or do anything to intentionally hurt anyone .”

“Yeah, well, not everyone thinks like you do.”

My curiosity piqued, I asked, “Who are you talking about?”

He waved it off. “No one. So, what do you want me to say to get her here?”

“I don’t care what you say. Just make sure Sophia’s here tonight by seven.”

Letting out a long breath, Nate pushed off the counter. “I’ll do my best, but no promises.”

As he started to head out, I called after him. “Hey, Nate?”

Turning, he asked, “Yeah?”

“I really appreciate you doing this for me, and being there even when I didn’t want you to be. I know you’re going through the same hell as me.”

He grinned. “We’re family. I’ll always be there for you, Josh.”

“Is this where we hug or something?” I teased.

Nate grimaced. “Hell no. This is where you make sure you save me some of that lasagna you’re making.”

Looking down at the bowls, utensils, and food scattered all over the counters, I laughed. “I’m not sure you’re going to want to eat it,” I said.

He laughed and started to retreat out of the room.

“Hey! Don’t post that picture of me with the pasta machine! Nate? I know you can hear me.”

The only response I got was the fading sound of laughter, then the click of the front door.