Resist Me

Chapter 28

West

As I threw the ball to Willow, I couldn’t help but glance across the field every once in a while. Linc was playing with some of the team, laughing and seemingly having a good time. Since he was now out of the game, it was just for fun and I would’ve loved to join him, if only to show him that I could throw better than him. Maybe we could have a real duel this time, although I wasn’t opposed to rolling around in the rain together again.

Clearly, I was a coward. I couldn’t be mad about him leaving the other day. He was right about being too old for games. I wasn’t trying to play one, but this wasn’t exactly easy. Why did it have to be him, for fuck’s sake?

Leaning to the right, I caught the ball. Willow’s throw wasn’t great, but she’d practiced with me throughout the years, so she knew what she was doing well enough. She was a competitive little shit and couldn’t stand the idea of being beneath me. In this regard, she’d eventually given up because, obviously, I was significantly better than her.

“Drool less,” she called.

“Breathe less,” I returned .

She jogged over to me and snatched the ball. “Why are you being such a tool?”

“I’m literally not.”

“Uh, that’s a steaming pile of shit.”

“You should worry about your own life. Have a job yet?”

“Do you?”

“I don’t need it. That’s what happens when you’re a football god.”

Her eyes rolled back so far that I was sure she could see her spine. “Is that why you won’t go on a date with Linc? You think you’re too good for him.”

Too good for him? Maybe the opposite.

After giving her a look to convey how much of an idiot I thought she was, I glanced over at him. He was incredibly good at playing it cool, which was almost ironic considering that was what he didn’t want to do. He was waiting on me. No pressure or anything. It sort of felt like an ultimatum, but I also knew that it was fair. I just didn’t know what I was willing to do yet.

The idea of telling anyone was terrifying. Willow knew, which I was sort of grateful for aside from her annoying pestering. Linc would laugh at me if he found out how nonexistent my dating life had been. Maybe he’d even change his mind. I hadn’t done all that dating, breaking up, then using it to grow thing that others usually did in high school. Emotionally, I was immature, which couldn’t be desirable.

When he met my eyes, he raised a brow. I tucked the ball underneath my arm and headed toward campus. It was hard for me to see him in this context, on the field where I’d spent all that time hating him. It was like those moments all over again, but my mind was in a different place. The convergence of those two things was akin to a car crash- a ten car pile up- and I was very likely the one who caused the accident. Was this a hit and run situation or was I going to stick around and deal with the consequences?

“Do you think he actually likes me?” I asked suddenly.

“Oh, West.”

“Don’t do that.”

“You’re asking pathetic questions. I can pity you if I feel like it.” Turning around, she started to walk backward. “What’s not to like? You’re my brother, so it skeeves me out to analyze you physically, but you have the same face as me in male form, so I can confidently say that you’re attractive. You’re funny, smarter than you look, and you care too much about others to the point that you let yourself suffer.”

Chewing on my lip, I shrugged. “Plenty of people check those boxes.”

“You’re forgetting one very important thing.”

“What’s that?”

I grabbed her arm to keep her from running into someone. When we reached the courtyard, she stopped and looked at me with a softness in her eyes that she rarely let exist.

“It’s the way Linc looks at you,” she said. “I can see that he likes you, yeah, but there’s also this curiosity. I’m no expert, but I think he wants to understand you.”

Wrinkling my nose, I almost shuddered at the thought. “You’re imagining things.”

“It’s possible, but tell me this. Have there been moments when it felt like he saw more of you than you were comfortable with? And can you look me in the eyes and tell me that doesn’t freak you out?”

Willow had spent too much time with Kai over the years. I didn’t need another person getting all philosophical on me, trying to make astute connections. Sometimes, things weren’t as complicated as all that. Sure, Linc was a deeper person than I would’ve guessed. That didn’t mean he had some link chart dedicated to me in his closet.

“I don’t have time for a relationship,” I said dismissively.

“Is that what he wants?”

“Maybe.”

“And you?”

“I just said I don’t have time.”

She let out a frustrated growl. “I asked if you want that.”

“It’s pointless to let myself think about. If I did, it wouldn’t matter, so if he wants more, he should just move on.”

“West, I swear to god…” She started walking again and I followed, knowing she had more to say. “You’re so closed off. I hate to see you push people away because you’re afraid.”

I snorted. “I’m not afraid to be with someone. It isn’t the right time. I have football, classes, and you.”

“You don’t need to take care of me. I’m gonna get a job, plus Dad sent me money. ”

I stared ahead, unsure how to feel about that. Objectively, it was nice that he was helping her, but I also knew my sister. She’d very likely wait until the money ran out to actively look for a job. I wanted her to learn how to work and be responsible. It wasn’t something she’d ever done before. My dad didn’t set rules or expectations for her because he was a waste of space who was afraid to upset her, as if what she’d gone through meant he wasn’t allowed to be a parental figure.

“The point,” she went on, “is that you don’t get to use me as an excuse to push him away. I don’t want you keeping an eye on me all the time. We’re not kids anymore. I’m gonna get a job, I’m gonna make my own friends, and we’re both gonna be goddamn happy because we deserve it.”

Even though I laughed, I didn’t feel amused. Sensing my mood, she pulled me off to the side. I took a deep breath as I lifted her chin.

“You know I can’t just stop worrying about you. I couldn’t…” Closing my eyes, I steadied myself, then opened them again. “I couldn’t protect you then. Don’t ask me to stop trying now.”

She took my wrist and pulled my hand away, keeping hold of it. “You were the same age as me. You didn’t know what was happening.”

“I should have.”

“No,” she replied firmly. “You shouldn’t have. No eight-year-old should understand that. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t even Dad’s fault. You know that the shitty things he said to you aren’t true, but you still let them infect your mind.”

With a groan, I pulled her back onto the path. “I’ll think about what you said, but no promises. I don’t even know if I like him like that.”

I could feel her stare, but I ignored it. There was no need for more Socrates moments. Just the seriousness of the past ten minutes was enough to make me want to tell a dumb joke or something.

“Wait,” I said. “How’d you know about the date?”

“Because we text.”

“Oh, so you’re an informant. Good to know. I’ll have to make sure to keep everything to myself from now on.”

*** *

I made a disgruntled sound as I stepped over a corpse in the kitchen. Whatever Linc did failed to keep them out, but it was poisoning them. I saw more dead than alive, so the cockroach plague was effective enough for now.

Deciding I’d pick it up later, I made myself a cup of coffee and retreated to the patio. The concrete was cold on my bare feet and I curled my toes inward instinctively. After I clicked on the contact I needed in my phone, I drained half my mug, then pressed ‘call.’

“Four times in a month,” my dad said. “Let me guess. You need more money.”

His words hurt more than they should have. Willow was right yesterday. I knew that none of it was my fault, but I still let it affect me. Even just hearing my dad’s voice made me go on the defensive.

“No,” I replied casually. “I’m actually calling about Willow.”

“What happened?” His voice took on a concerned quality that would never be directed toward me.

“Nothing happened-”

“What the hell did you do? I told you that you couldn’t protect her. I fucking told you.”

Slumping against the wall, I blinked away the burn in my eyes. “Stop. Please just stop.”

“I’m buying her a plane ticket. She never should’ve gone out there with you. I knew it was a bad idea.”

“Stop!” I shouted. “Nothing’s wrong with Willow. I’m calling to talk to you about her, not report a tragedy.”

“Then talk, but make it quick. I have work to do.”

“You sent her money.”

“And?”

“How much?”

He huffed. “Enough to get her through the year. What exactly is this about, West?”

Rubbing my brow with two fingers, I tried not to explode. “I know you’re trying to help her in some way, but I need her to get a job and make her own money. Someday, she’ll have to get her own place. What happens when she isn’t ready for it?”

“Then she comes home.”

“No. That’s not what’s good for her. If she wanted that, she wouldn’t have been so desperate to leave. ”

His laugh made my stomach curdle. “She wants to be with you. That’s the only reason. I’m her father, West. I’ll make sure she’s taken care of. We all know that you can’t.”

The call ended, those last words still echoing in my head. Even when I was trying to help Willow, I was somehow the bad guy. If she wanted money from him, that was up to her, and it wasn’t my intention to condemn that. I hated that he tried to throw these material things at her so that she wouldn’t hate him. How could he not understand that the only thing either of us ever wanted was for him to be our dad again?

I went inside and bypassed my room, instead stopping in front of Willow’s door. When I knocked, she told me to come in. Her eyes widened when she saw me, but she didn’t ask. I dropped onto her bed, lying on my stomach as traitorous tears pooled in my eyes.

Willow took my hand, simply holding it while I let a few of the drops fall. She knew. There was only one thing that completely wrecked me like this. It dulled my shine and thrust me into a horrible state of self-awareness, which was why I sought out my sister or Kai in these instances. They were the only people who had ever loved me unconditionally and never made me question what I was worth to them. They were everything to me and right now, I’d never been more grateful that we were all under the same roof. It felt right. Even though I’d just been cut open and I’d left my insides on that patio, I was with Willow, and that made me feel whole.