Ruin’s Embattlement (Tenillo Guardians AIMC #19)

Ruin Chapter 10

Since leaving church and coming to my trailer, I paced and argued with myself for a couple of hours. I was being driven mad, wondering where she was and how I was to discuss this with her. I was afraid I’d frighten her off. What if she didn’t feel more than sisterly affection for me? Confessing I was in love with her and had been for years was a surefire way to make her want nothing to do with me if that were the case. Images of super awkward family get-togethers from now until eternity flashed through my mind. The images that made me furious were of the faceless man with her and their kids at those same family gatherings. I had to fight not to put a hole in the wall. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle those.

I was still unsure how to broach it with her when I came out of the bathroom and swore I heard her voice outside. Opening the door to find her facing off with Niam hadn’t pleased me. The subsequent struggle and manhandling I had to do to get her inside had perversely made me happy. Maybe it was because she thought there was a woman in here, and Desi was acting, dare I say, jealous.

After dancing back and forth with her and getting no answer if there was a man she was romantically interested in, I broke and claimed the kiss I’d secretly desired for years. The worst she could do was punch me. Her response stunned me. There was barely any hesitation before she kissed me back as passionately as I was kissing her.

Her lips were pillowy. Nibbling on them, along with the actual kissing and tongue-twisting, had let me get a good taste of her. I wanted more. I lost track of time, and my pleasure jumped up several notches when she ended up straddling my lap. Her hips were moving, causing her to rub back and forth over the erection she gave me. I was about to press up into her core when she abruptly stopped and pulled her mouth free of mine.

As my vision cleared, I saw mortification on her face. I knew she was about to tell me it was a mistake and run. I wasn’t about to let it happen. One thing I knew for sure about Desi was she wouldn’t let go with a man the way she had with me unless there was more there than being caught off guard or base lust. My heart leaped. She had more than sisterly feelings for me. It might not be a full case of love yet, but I’d take it and work to make her fall in love with me.

She was straining to get my hands to let go of her by pressing her hands on my chest and her hips against the hand I had there. The other I still had resting on the back of her neck. I tugged gently to bring her mouth back to mine. She shook her head.

“Ruin, stop. This is crazy. I don’t know what happened, but it’s got to stop.”

“Like hell it does. Do you have any idea how fucking long I’ve waited to get an answer?”

“Answer? To what?”

“To whether you have feelings for me.”

“Of course I do. I’m your sister, and that’s what makes this—”

“Say you’re my sister one more time and see what happens,” I growled.

Her mouth fell open, and she stared at me in shock. I was done with the lies, evasions, and anything else that kept us apart. “Swear on Shane’s life that you don’t have romantic thoughts about me. That you’ve never dreamed about what it would be like for us to kiss and do more. Swear you see me no differently than you do Tyson.”

Dismay spread over her expression at my demand. She didn’t say a word. I knew she’d never tell a lie if I made her swear on Shane. Was it low? Maybe, but I was desperate. I was about to say to her I had the same thoughts and feelings about her when she found her voice.

“What is this, a game, Ruin? Do you get some kick out of making me confess I find you sexually attractive? Don’t you have enough women throwing themselves at you? Why do you have to humiliate me and make me admit I’m as stupid as they are?”

This was followed by her shoving hard at my chest and jerking back even harder at the same time. She broke my grip, and in a shot, she was on her feet. She swung around and was racing for the door. I launched myself off the couch and chased her. I heard a soft sob, which tore at my gut. She was opening the door when I slammed my palm on it, pushing it shut and preventing her from opening it further. She stood there, not facing me, with her head down. I leaned down and placed my mouth to her ear.

“I’d never play a game with you. Nor would I do it to humiliate you. I asked because I’m desperate, Desi. I’m drowning in my yearning for you. I don’t give a damn about other women, only you. You’re the one I want, and I have for such a goddamn long time. Please, stay and talk to me. Tell me that you want me, too. I don’t care if you love me or not. I can fix that if you give me time. I can love enough for the both of us,” I confessed.

I heard her breath catch, then slowly, she turned and looked up at me. I saw tears on her lashes. She gave me a skeptical look. I raised my hand and ran my thumb over her quivering bottom lip.

“Desiree Young, I’m head over heels in love with you. I have been for years. I fought it. I tried to make myself only be your brother and friend, but I couldn’t. For the love of God, tell me I’m not alone with these emotions,” I pleaded.

Pouring out my heart to a woman wasn’t something I’d ever done. The women I’d been with over the years, as I tried to deny my urges and feelings for Desi, had meant nothing. I never dated them. I had sex, and that was it. Looking back, I realized I went from one to another because every time I slept with one, I’d been disgusted with myself and unable to face being with them again. If there were one thing I could do, it would be to go back and never touch anyone but her.

“Ruin,” she whispered, then stopped.

“It’s just us. Call me Tanner. I miss hearing you say it. Come sit with me.”

I tugged on her hand. She allowed me to lead her. Instead of taking her back to the couch, I took her to the chair. I sat and brought her down on my lap. I wanted to hold her the same way Dad held Mom, and the other Infidels did their loved ones. She was a touch stiff, but she sat sideways on my lap. I let her back rest against one of my arms.

“Say something, woman. I just confessed I love you. At least throw me a bone and tell me you care for me and are interested in me as a man. Hurry. My masculine ego is taking a beating it might never recover from,” I half-joked.

She closed her eyes and lay her forehead on my shoulder. “Tanner, please, please, don’t say things like this unless you’re more than a hundred percent certain. Lust and love aren’t the same thing, you know. You can want a woman sexually and not be in love.”

“I know that.”

“Yes, you do because you’ve been with plenty of women. You said you’ve had these thoughts and feelings for a long time. How long? How many women have you been with while you supposedly loved me?” Her head came up, and she glared at me.

I gulped. It was time to be honest, even if it painted me in a terrible light. Would she be able to forgive me for being with others while I was in love with her? It was true. I’d been subconsciously fighting my love for her until recently. Would she believe that and let me make it up to her as much as possible? Taking a deep breath and sending up a prayer that I hoped God heard, I went for it.

“Subconsciously, I’ve been fighting how I felt since about the time of our trip to New York before I went to boot camp. I hated the way you were with you-know-who. I kept arguing and fighting with you after that, and each time I was home, due to loving you. I refused to acknowledge it. Having it destroy our friendship hurt me, but I couldn’t stop. Since coming home for good, I’ve had help to see what I was doing. Dad told me not to give up hope that you love me, too. I was dying inside thinking you were moving in with Isaiah because you’re in love with him.”

“Dad knew? You told him, but not me.”

“No, he guessed and told me it was what I was doing all along, and I had to acknowledge it was true.”

“Well, I guess they’re more observant than we are because Mom was the one to tell me she was sure you loved me. I wonder if they plotted together?”

“Maybe,” I said. I noted she hadn’t said she loved me.

“Why were you denying it so hard?” she asked.

“I had dreams about you. They started not long before I left for the Marines. I was terrified by them. I felt I shouldn’t be thinking of you in that way. I was your brother and best friend. If anyone found out, least of all you, I believed you’d all be disgusted and ashamed of me. I would be no better than the men who took and hurt you. I’d lose you and my family, so I suppressed them and wrote them off. When Dad asked why I never said anything, and I told him, he said it was natural. We’re not related. He said no one would care.”

“Tanner, you listen to me. There’s no way you could ever be anything like those men who kidnapped and raped me. They were monsters. They were out for power and money. In a few cases, they loved to inflict pain and suffering. I never want to hear you compare yourself to those animals again,” she snarled as she shook me.

“Thank you. I won’t. I was so mixed up. I thought I was grown, but I now see that I was a kid who had no idea how to deal with his emotions. You haven’t said. Do you at least desire me? I can work with that. Given time, I know I can turn lust into love. All I want is for you to give me the chance.”

“Tell me about the women. Did you ever think you might feel more than lust for any of them? If you love me, how could you be with them?” Her voice caught as she asked.

Her eyes were shiny, and I knew she was trying not to cry. Christ, if my sexual exploits lost me my opportunity with her, I’d cut my heart out. Looking back on those years with clarity, it was cheating. She definitely would see it that way, and so would the club. I was the one Infidel who cheated on his woman. Nausea filled me, but I fought it down. She deserved the truth no matter the outcome, which I was sure would be her telling me to go to hell.

“I never once thought I loved any of them. I had sex with them because I was horny. I didn’t know it at the time, but it wasn’t them who turned me on. It was you and what I was denying, but I know that doesn’t matter. It was fucked up and wrong. I never dated any of them, Desi. After I’d been intimate with one, I would become disgusted with the thought of touching or seeing the woman again. I’d avoid women until I was so sexually frustrated I was crazy, then I’d crack. I never connected it to being home and seeing you or hearing an update from someone about you. I’m not telling you this to hurt you, Des. I need you to understand why I did it. Although, I was oblivious to the why until recently.

“Saying this out loud and thinking about it from your standpoint and others, I know what I did is unforgivable. I cheated on the woman I love. I broke an absolute vow in this club and for me. Jesus Christ, why didn’t I face this in high school?” I shouted. I tried to stand. I needed distance between us. Holding her while watching my future go up in flames was too much.

“Don’t! Sit still. It’s my turn to talk, and I want you to listen,” she demanded.

I was finding it hard to breathe. I only did what she asked because I was too weak to let go of her.

“When I came here, I was so broken and scared. It took a while for me to begin to trust the club. Trusting Mom, Dad, Tyson, Skye, and Executioner was easier and faster. But the one person besides Kinslee I trusted almost instantly was you. I had no clue why. I should’ve been terrified of you. You were an unknown and a guy.

“As time passed and we became friends, I told you things I’ve never told anyone, not even Adara. She and Kinslee know a lot, but you know it all. Not just what they did to me but how it made me feel. The way it made me want to kill myself. I might’ve done it if it hadn’t been for you.”

“No, you wouldn’t have. You’re too strong for that. You fought so hard not to let those animals win,” I reminded her.

“I did, but it was you who gave me the strength, more than any of the others here, to fight. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared. I was afraid for myself and what I would do with a baby. The way Mom and Dad gave me options and left it to me to decide was amazing. I kept pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I’d found a family for the first time since I lost mine.

“It was fear of losing any or all of my family that kept me from recognizing I loved you and not as your sister. Another part of it was, how could I love a guy? I was horrified at the thought of allowing someone to touch me intimately. I swore I’d never be able to do it. By the time I knew I was in love with you, I thought for sure you only saw me as your best friend and a sister.”

Hearing her confess she loved me should’ve had me crowing for joy, but the fact I’d cheated overshadowed it. She kept talking as I wallowed in misery.

“Before we went to New York, I knew how I felt about you, Tanner. When I allowed you-know-who to take me places and hang with me, it was to prove to myself that I could get over those emotions. Not to say he wasn’t a nice guy, because he was. The more you pushed and got mad about how you thought I wasn’t acting like myself, the more I did it. I was desperate to fall for someone else.”

“Did you ever get close? While I was away, I know you went on dates. Did any guy tempt you?” I asked, although I didn’t want to know the answer. If she said yes, I’d be tempted to ask his name and track him down.

“Never. With most, I’d freeze if they touched me, or they would bore me to tears. I did go on dates, but they failed to make me fall in love with any of them and out of love with you. I won’t lie. Seeing you go on dates in high school and later, knowing you were, even if I couldn’t see it, along with the images of you kissing and doing more with them, damn near killed me. I knew you weren’t a virgin, Tanner, but it still hurts.”

“I know, and I’m fucking sorry.”

“When I heard you were only a few months away from coming home for good, I knew I couldn’t remain living here at the compound. To stay here and see you every day would be too much. To see you with other women would be torture. I began planning to move, and when you came back, I knew I had to move up my timeline. After checking out several places, and they all were a no for various reasons, I gave in to Isaiah’s suggestion that we live with him. I have to admit that he has been a godsend over the past few years. We’re great friends, but he’s not my best friend. I only had one of those.”

She paused. I knew I was only tormenting myself more, but I asked anyway. “What made you go out with Konrad? Are you still trying to fall for someone else rather than be in love with me?”

“I did do it for that reason. Isaiah ordered me to give it a go. He said the only way I would get over you was to try. Isaiah said he was sure Konrad wanted to ask me out. Instead of waiting, he prodded me to ask first, which I did. From there, we’ve become friends, although I’m unsure if Konrad is pleased with that idea. I was upfront with him before going out the second time and that it was to be as friends. After we did, he told me he didn’t mind us being friends.”

“How can he be happy? No man in his right mind would prefer to be your friend rather than your lover. You’re amazing in so many ways, Desi. That’s why I have a hard time believing that Isaiah is content to be only pals. Him asking you to move in with him was his way of getting you to change your mind,” I told her emphatically. I had not only my stupidity but more than one man standing between me and utter contentment with the woman I loved more than life itself.

She was shaking her head emphatically. “No, Isaiah isn’t secretly in love with me, Tanner. I can promise you he’s not. As for men preferring me as a lover than a friend, I’m not all that great. Not only do I not allow them to kiss and touch me, but I have a son. Even without my physical hangups, I come as a pair. Not a lot of guys want an instant-made family.”

“Well, then they’re idiots. Your hangups, as you call them, have gotten way better. You kissed me without a problem. As for being a pair, Shane is wonderful, and anyone would be blessed to have him as a son. Know this. I’d take both of you in a heartbeat if I hadn’t wrecked us with my stupidity. I love him, too. The other night, when I entertained him in the bath and read to him, I realized he’s been like a son since he was born. I love him in a different way than I do Jasmine and Joshua.”

I was more than startled when she shifted closer and then grabbed me behind my neck, bringing my mouth lower. She latched onto my mouth with hers. Fire filled my body as she kissed me hungrily. I forgot all the what-ifs and went with it. I returned her kiss with as much vigor as she did. I would make it count if this were my last kiss with her.

I shuddered when her hands came to rest on my chest, and she ran them along the planes of my muscles. I worked out to keep my body in top shape, and it showed. I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that women found my physique and tattoos sexy, but discovering Desi seemed to, as well, made me even harder and hungrier to feel her touch all over my body. Along with her touching me, I wanted to run my hands and mouth all over her body, but I knew that wasn’t happening. Even if she wasn’t disgusted by my cheating, she wasn’t capable of jumping into sex with a guy. It would take time, patience, and understanding for me or anyone to get her naked and willing.

I groaned, half in pain and half in ecstasy, when her bottom rubbed back and forth over my erection. It was back and bigger than before. Christ, if she did that a few more times, I might blow in my jeans. I hated to break our kiss, but I had to tell her to quit.

I tore my mouth away and gasped hoarsely, “Baby, you’ve got to stop moving. I’m primed, and if you don’t, I’ll come. You have me so close to the edge,” I confessed.

She was breathing as hard as I was. Her face was flushed, and her eyes were bright as she met my stare. I moaned when she slowly wiggled her bottom along my bulge. She’d moved during our kiss to be straddling my hips again. I didn’t even know when or how she managed it.

“You’re hard. Making you come sounds like a good idea,” she said, shocking the shit out of me. I had to have misheard her.

“Desi, what did you say?”

“I said you coming sounds good, although coming in your jeans will be messy. I don’t see you liking yourself left all sticky. I can help you,” she panted. I jumped when her hand came between us, and my zipper loosened. I wiggled a hand between our bodies and captured hers. What the hell had gotten into her?

“Desi, stop! You’re not thinking.”

She halted and stared hard at me. “What am I not thinking about, Tanner? Am I wrong? You don’t want me and don’t want to get off. Or is this something any woman can help you with? Should I go ask one of the hang arounds in the clubhouse to come take care of it for you?” she asked with a bite to her tone.

She eased back as if she was getting up. I grabbed her and held her tightly. I gave her a slight shake. “No, I want you. I’d love nothing more than to get off and have you be the one to do it. There’s no one in the clubhouse I want. You’re it, but this isn’t you. I’m not allowing you to force yourself to do this to prove something to me or yourself. It’ll only cause you pain, and I don’t want that. Plus, I know you must detest me for those other women.”

She sighed. “Tanner, I hate that you’ve been with other women instead of me. It feels terrible, but I don’t hate you. It’s as much my fault as it is yours that it happened. If I’d told you how I felt rather than hiding it, we might’ve avoided all of this—the years apart and you sleeping with those women and me dating other guys, trying to forget you. I may hate the thought of those ladies, but it’s not any different from you living with the men I’ve been with. The men who used me and treated me like a toy.” She said the last in a whisper. Guilt and loathing were now overtaking her face.

“Get rid of that guilty look, you hear me! None of that was your doing. They raped you. I won’t let you feel responsible for what they did,” I snarled.

“Then, if you can live with them, I’ll find a way to live with the women. It’s the only option because if you love me like I love you, then it’s the way it has to be. As for proving something to either of us, I’m not. I’ve denied myself you for five years. I don’t want to any longer.”

Disbelief overtook me. I was trying to tell myself I was hallucinating, but I knew I wasn’t. She wasn’t going to leave me due to what I did, and she appeared and sounded certain that she wanted to do more than kiss. God, please let it be true, and don’t let me scare her , I prayed.

“Desi, be totally sure. If you’re not, we need to back off and cool down. If you end up regretting it, it’ll kill me. I won’t be able to deal with the guilt. I love you. We can wait and take our time. There’s no rush.”

“Tanner, that there is so you, and I thank you for saying it. I do, but I want to touch you and see you. Am I scared? No, because it’s you. Am I nervous and terrified I’ll freeze and make you reconsider? Absolutely. But know that I’m zero percent afraid of you, and I’m one hundred percent sure that I want to experience sex with you. I don’t know what I can and can’t handle unless we try.”

I thought over what she’d said for several moments before I answered her. “Then I have a few demands. One, we go slow, and you tell me everything that makes you frightened or hesitant. Two, we won’t go all the way, not tonight. You need time to process. Three, know that it’ll never be just sex between us. It’s lovemaking. Understand?”

Her smile made my heart skip a beat and lit up the room. She nodded and said, “I understand and agree with all the above.”

“Then let’s move to somewhere more comfortable. I want you where I can see all of you and vice versa.”

“Take me to your bedroom, Tan.”

I stood with her in my arms. I swear my legs were weak, but I had no problem walking or carrying her. I locked the door before taking her down the short hallway to my bedroom. No way did I want anyone walking in unannounced. This was for us. The rest of the club could wait to talk to me or find out about the two of us.

Entering my room, I navigated in the darkness to my bed. I lay her on it, then snapped on the bedside lamp. Wanting her to be comfortable, I removed her shoes. I hoped lying Desi on my bed hadn’t been too bold of a move. Her smile and the way she was watching me told me it wasn’t. I sat on the edge of the mattress.

“Tell me how you want me to do this. What’re you comfortable with?”

“I want you to stop thinking you have to stop and ask me along every step. I know you’re doing it out of concern, but it makes me feel broken. I want to feel whole like any other woman. I’ll tell you if I need you to slow down or stop. And I want you to swear you’ll tell me if there’s something you want. I want to fulfill your needs and desires.”

I thought over her words, and I understood what she meant. “Yes, ma’am. Well, I’d love to even us up in the clothing department. Before I take off more, you need to remove some.”

She smiled sweetly and sat up. Then she turned into a siren on me when she asked coyly, “I think that’s a good idea. Would you mind helping me?” Her arms went up in the air, and she waited.

My erection had eased a bit during our talk, but this had it raging back to full hardness. “I’d love to,” I told her as I reached for the hem of her tee. I inched it up, taking my time, not only to allow her an opportunity to ask me to stop but also to savor the reveal. I’d been dying to know what her body looked like.

Over the years, she’d never worn less than shorts and a tee. Even swimming, she’d cover herself in them. I often wondered if she had scars from her ordeal. They wouldn’t matter to me, but I could see how they might affect her. I was in awe of her courage as I got it to her breasts. When she didn’t tell me to quit, I kept going. When her tee was off, I tossed it carelessly to the foot of the bed.

My mouth was dry as I scanned her. She was covered by her bra, which was a pretty hot pink color. I’d seen plenty of women in their underclothing and less, but not a single one impacted me the way she was. The pink of her bra made her pale golden skin stand out. I traced a finger along her ribs and then across her belly, stopping to circle her belly button. She shivered.

“You have such gorgeous skin, Desi. It’s like silk and the palest gold,” I told her softly.

“Thank you, but we’re not all the way even. I still have something on top, and you don’t.”

She twisted so I could reach her back more easily. My hands shook as I unsnapped the hooks on the back of her bra. The straps slipped off her shoulders. She was holding it to her breasts when she turned to face me fully again. A pink flush was under the skin of her upper chest and neck. Remembering what she said, I didn’t ask if I could remove it. I simply reached up, grasped the sagging straps, and tugged delicately. After a couple of seconds, she let go of the bra’s cups, and it fell away. I removed the bra the rest of the way and let it join her tee.

Her breasts entranced me. She wasn’t huge in the breast department, but they fit her slender body and were beyond lovely. How she got all of her skin that exact shade of gold, I had no clue, but even her tits were golden and tipped with pretty pink nipples. They were hard, and my mouth started to water as I imagined tasting them.

As if in a trance, I lifted my hands and cupped both sweet tits, and ran my thumbs over them. She moaned. It broke me. I leaned forward as she sank back against my pillows. Holding one tenderly in my hand, I sucked the nipple inside of my mouth. She moaned louder, and a hand landed on the back of my head. She pressed me tighter against her.

I took her silent urging to heart. I maneuvered myself until I was stretched out on the bed beside her. I propped myself up on an elbow and went to town, licking and sucking one tit, then kneading and teasing the nipple on the other one. She writhed on the bed and made panting sounds as I worked them. Just the sounds she was making told me she was climbing toward a possible orgasm. I wanted to see if I could make her come just by playing with her breasts. I’d never had it happen.

Switching my mouth and hand around, I added another element. I raked my teeth over her hard nub. She cried out, but it wasn’t a cry of pain or aversion. It was one of enjoyment. I did it again, then sucked hard, flattening her nipple to the roof of my mouth. She let out a loud wail and then began to shake all over. I went at her more, basking in the thrill of making her come just from breast play.

When she relaxed, I reluctantly lifted my head. She gave me a dazed look. I smiled. “Did you like that, babe?”

“Like it? I guess you could say that. I’m curious. Do guys like to have their nipples played with, too?”

I blinked and thought about what she asked. I answered her. “I expect some do. However, I don’t know if I’m one of them.”

Her smile peeked out. “Well, why don’t we find out together? You lie back and let me taste and tease you.”

I didn’t object. Any touch Desi gave me would be wonderful, so I rolled onto my back and put my hands behind my head. She wiggled until she was partially hovering over me. She stared hard at my chest, then began tracing my muscles’ contours with her fingertips. It made me quiver. As she got bolder and her touch firmed up, she moved from tracing my muscles and my tattoos to circling my nipples. She stopped short of touching them even though they were tight buds.

I soon discovered anticipation was a very good thing. When she finally lowered her head and licked one nipple, I jumped. She smirked and then proceeded to do everything I’d done to her tits. She licked, sucked, flicked the hard nubs with her tongue, tugged, and then bit down gently. Shit, I could almost see myself coming from nipple play! I let her have fun until it became a worry that I might come in my jeans. I gripped her chin and lifted her head. She gave me a questioning look.

“I love everything you’re doing, but if you don’t stop, we’ll have that mess in my pants we spoke of earlier. The answer is yes. This guy loves to have his nipples pleasured. Wanna continue, or is this enough for now?”

“If you’re willing, I want to continue. Can I take off your pants, Tanner? I want to see you.”

I gulped. Damn, she sounded so sure. I wanted nothing more than to have her look at and touch me, except to do the same to her sweet pussy. I wanted to know if she went all natural, shaved, waxed, or something of a mixture.

“Then unzip me carefully, and I’ll show you,” I said hoarsely.

She raised and placed a quick peck on my mouth, then her hand was on my zipper, and I waited in exhilaration for her to remove the last piece of my clothing.