Secluded with the Rogue

Chapter 6

Six

December 23, 1819

T he kiss from yesterday at the folly still haunted him, and because of that, Edward made certain he wasn’t available to most members of the house party for the bulk of the day.

To be fair, there were a few things regarding his ledgers he needed to go over, for his man of affairs was due to visit soon and he wished to be prepared, but he also wanted time alone to think over what exactly he wanted from Nancy or to be to her.

God, why has this woman managed to tie my insides into knots once again?

He planted his elbows on his desktop in the study then buried his head in his hands. Did it make him a fool if he wanted to spend more time in her company? Outside of her rejecting him thirteen years ago, he suspected that she had broken his heart even if he hadn’t realized it. Was he in love with her back then? It was still difficult to tell, but his heart had never felt the same after that embarrassing and disappointing summer night.

Eventually, Reggie came to seek him out.

“What the devil are you doing hiding in here? You are the host of this event, and your guests would like to see you.”

Edward blew out a breath. “Do shut up, Reg.”

“Well, someone is quite grumpy today, and that begs the question of why.” Without being invited, the man came into the room and then threw himself into the same leather chair he occupied a couple of days ago. “If it was anyone else, I’d say there was a woman involved, but since it’s you, that is quite impossible.”

“You assume I am either unwilling or unable to find a match at the house party.” It wasn’t a question, for there was no use dissembling. They had known each other for a long time.

“Aren’t you?” Reg leaned forward. He rested his forearms on his knees and let his hands dangle between. When Edward didn’t immediately answer, he huffed. “Your silence means you have, indeed, found someone but you are uncertain about your reception.”

“Why do I even talk to you?” For long moments, he regarded his best friend. “In many ways, though, it’s a good thing. Perhaps you can help me make sense of things.”

Reggie nodded. “I’m happy to help.”

After rubbing a hand along the side of his face, Edward blew out another breath. At this point, he was beginning to sound like a windstorm. “Have you met Lady Havelock?”

“The pretty blonde widow who is past the second bloom of youth but still quite attractive?”

A pox on the man for even noticing! But he tamped his rising anger. “Yes. Nancy was the woman I proposed to thirteen years ago on the advice of my father and hers.”

“And she rejected you out of hand.”

“Yes.” He’d told Reg the story a few times before. “At the time, I had accepted that.”

The other man snorted. “Barely.”

He continued as if he wasn’t interrupted. “I went about my life, taking a mistress here and there, but I’d always guarded my heart, because deep down, I think she broke it.” As Reg gawked at him, Edward nodded. “Over the years, I have pondered my inability or unwillingness to connect with a woman on any sort of level that wasn’t shallow. I still can’t shake the feeling of regret that rejection caused, the regret that I should have pushed for the union.” He met his friend’s gaze. “I have been unable to forget those feelings.”

For the space of a few heartbeats, his best friend remained silent. Finally, he nodded. “Are you telling me that you have been in love with Lady Havelock for years?” That bit of incredulity in his voice brought Edward back to center.

“Not exactly. I am telling you that I hold her in high esteem, and that those feelings could definitely grow into love if given a chance.” It was an impossible position, for she certainly didn’t want a new relationship let alone a second marriage. Not that is where this would end. “What should I do?”

Reggie surged to his feet in favor of pacing about the small space. “Well… have you kissed her?”

“Barely.” Heat rose up the back of his neck as he once more remembered what had transpired between him and Nancy at the old folly. “Yesterday. During the greenery gathering party. In the folly.” He shrugged when Reggie’s dark eyebrows soared in surprise. “It was more of an introduction than anything else.”

“Hmm, I’d wondered where you’d slipped off to and figured you didn’t wish to be around any of us.” He shoved a hand through his hair. “Did the lady slap you?”

“No.”

“Ah.” Reg continued to pace. “Did she kiss you back?”

“Also no, but she acted as if she enjoyed it, for she curled the fingers of one hand into the lapel of my greatcoat.” As he spoke, Edward put a hand over that part of his chest, almost as if he could still feel the pressure of her hand there.

“Then you should pursue her.”

“Why? She has already rejected me once. I’m not certain I can survive it a second time.”

“Just this.” Reg perched once more on his chair. “Because you have never shown any sort of interest in a woman like this for years. Usually, you’ll drink too much, bring a woman into your bed, tell me you have a new mistress, and before I can grow accustomed to that, a few months pass and then you’ve let her go.”

Slowly, Edward nodded. “Nancy is… different. She deserves more than such disrespect. Hell, I deserve more than shallow connections.”

That was a rather large admission for him, and he gasped from the truth of it.

Reg stared with his lower jaw slightly ajar. “Uh…” Then he cleared his throat. “I remember you talking about her, remembered that she married in haste six months after she’d turned you down.” Surprise threaded through his voice. “That was when you began taking mistresses… as a way to hide how you truly felt. Now everything is beginning to make sense.”

“There is nothing?—”

“And why you spoke so negatively regarding marriage, and to my wanting to court Kitty. Your views were colored by that one moment, that one woman, and I had no idea.” He stared at Edward. “Lady Havelock is still quite a handsome woman.”

“She is.”

“And she’s a widow.”

“True.”

“This gives her a fair amount of freedom over the innocent ladies here.”

“It does.” Knots of worry pulled in his belly.

A grin curved Reggie’s lips. “Then chase her. Find out if she has feelings for you. And besides, it’s the holiday season.”

Edward scoffed. “What does the time of year have to do with anything?”

“Everything!” If possible, Reg’s already broad grin widened. “It makes a romance that much deeper.” He waggled his eyebrows. “Take her on a sleigh ride. Alone.”

“And do what?” Was he truly this horrible at romancing a woman?

“Enjoy the scenery? Burrow under a blanket with her? Talk to her? Kiss her? Use your imagination, man! It’s not that difficult.”

Apparently, it is. The heat on his neck intensified. “What did you, uh, do to woo Kitty?” Did he even want to know?

“Whatever she wanted.” Reg planted his hands on his knees. “I went along with her schemes, did everything she suggested. Once, we raced horses across a field, merely so I could have a chance to kiss her.” When Edward sputtered, he held up a hand. “Calm yourself, Armestead. We are married now. But in your case, the trick is to show interest in Lady Havelock’s interests. Make yourself available. Or better yet, show yourself as vulnerable to her.”

He frowned. “Why? That is against everything I have ever been taught.”

“Perhaps that is the problem. Dare to be a different man, Edward.” The other man nodded. “Trust me. It will help. Just be the man you have always wished that you were.”

“A different man, a different time, for a woman who is different due to a horrid marriage.”

“Exactly.” Reg winked. “Don’t meet her as the earl or a man with responsibilities to a title. Meet her as a man who is interested in her as a woman. Good luck, and make certain you tell me all the details.”

Edward snorted but a grudging grin snaked across his face. “Why, so you can tell Kitty?”

“Oh, she’ll have the details anyway, but this is strictly for me. So I can tease you once you fall hopelessly in love and know that exquisite torture.”

“I’ll say it again, Reg. Do shut up.”

W ith very little effort, later in the afternoon, Edward was able to entice Nancy to accompany him on a sleigh ride around his property. A light snow was falling, and even though there were two other sleighs out at the same time with other parties, he felt the most comfortable with her.

As the vehicle started off and the bells on the horse’s harness set up a faint jingle, Edward relaxed into the squabbed bench. “Thank you for agreeing to the ride. It’s one of the few pleasures I have here at the hall.”

“And you wished to share it with me?” Surprise threaded through her inquiry even as her lips curved slightly with a grin. “I must admit, I’m beginning to be quite partial to this sort of transportation.”

“Ah, good. Then I made the right choice.” As his nerves felt strung all too tight, he wondered why he suddenly was so nervous. “I thought that you might enjoy seeing the whole of the property. There are some beautiful vistas, especially when the sun is actually shining.”

“It’s lovely already and look how the sun sparkles on the snow like a million diamonds.”

“Yes, it is quite the lovely sight.” Except he wasn’t looking at the landscape. Instead, the whole of Edward’s attention was on his companion.

For this afternoon’s outing, Nancy wore a gown of moss green. An ivory brocade pelisse was over that, with a straw bonnet that had been decorated with green ribbons. A rabbit fur muff kept her hands hidden. Already, her cheeks and the tip of her nose were pink from the cold.

Beside him, she shivered. “You have quite an expansive estate. It must be horribly time-consuming to keep it running.”

“According to my man of affairs, it is, but my foreman does a decent job at it. I don’t know what I’d do without either of them.” Damn, but he really should tell those men how indispensable they were to him.

“I’m glad you can admit that you need assistance in running the estate. Too many men either think they can do it themselves or they ignore their responsibilities entirely.” She settled the lap robe about her legs. There was also a warmed brick he’d put into the sleigh for her feet, but when she also arranged part of the robe over his legs and lap, his chest tightened. “I’ll wager the lawn is idyllic in the summer.”

“It is. Usually, I host a summer masquerade, and we take dinner outside. A traveler’s fair sets up at the rear of the property for a few days. All the villagers come to partake of both events.”

“How fun.” A tiny sigh escaped her. “I don’t remember when I’ve enjoyed myself like that.”

Edward frowned. “Havelock didn’t entertain at his Kent estate?”

“Ha.” She uttered an unladylike snort. “The man barely ever visited. Parts of the manor and the grounds are in disrepair. He elected to remain in Town with his mistress or they would go elsewhere for a holiday.” When she shrugged, her shoulder brushed his. Tingles of need shot up his arm. “Except that fateful time he decided to travel to Kent over two years ago where he perished.”

Needing to steer the conversation back around to hopeful, positive things, Edward cleared his throat. “Since you never thought you would be a widow and you aren’t overly fond of putting yourself back into society, what do you want from your future now?”

“Well, that is an interesting—and daunting—question.” When she turned her head and their gazes connected around the shallow brim of her bonnet, desire slammed into him, for those eyes were fathomless, and he wished to get lost in those hazel pools. “You are the only person to ask that of me.”

He found that difficult to believe. “Your mother-in-law isn’t even curious?”

“I doubt she cares about me. She only wishes for my son to thrive so he can restore the Havelock holdings to their former glory, no matter that I have been doing a large part of that since my husband died.” A huff escaped her. “But I digress.”

“It is quite all right.” Edward couldn’t help but smile. His admiration for her grew; he never knew she was skilled with numbers or a leadership role. “It seems the older we are, the more annoyed we become because that rosy veil has disintegrated. We become aware of the harsh realities of many things, and it is more like work than we had anticipated.”

“That is true to a certain extent. And to another, I always thought I would go into the future with a strong man by my side, that we would meet every challenge together, forge our own path. Perhaps have more children,” she finished in a low, choked voice.

Well, damn.

“I know something about that. For all my insistence I didn’t want to marry, I rather did. Not for the title or the responsibilities therein, but for me. To have that companionship and someone to share the little moments with, to look up from my paper and smile at someone at the breakfast table.” A dose of maudlin emotion dropped over him. “Not to put such a fine point on it, but I’m a bit lonely I suppose, and if that makes me seem weak, so be it.”

“Oh, Edward, admitting to such only means you are willing to talk about it and appear vulnerable before others.” Under the lap robe, she touched a gloved hand to his. “That is true strength. More men need to realize that.”

“Indeed.” Had she made that move to signal that she might want their futures to entwine? He had no idea, but if she liked seeing him vulnerable, he would continue in that vein. “I never thought I’d come to a place in my life where I would have more regrets than triumphs, but that has largely been what this year has been for me.”

“Oh?” She trailed her gaze over his face. “What are your biggest regrets?”

He blew out a breath as he strove for calm even as his heartbeat raced. “That I never married or started my nursery.” When she squeezed his fingers, something shivered down his spine. “I could have had a handful of children by now, perhaps even an heir. In some ways, I feel as if I’ve wasted so much time searching.”

“For what? If it’s perfection, surely you must know that doesn’t exist.”

Ah, how wrong she was.

“Perhaps not perfection, per se, but that one woman I couldn’t live without, the one woman who make a wonderful countess.”

You. It was becoming more and more difficult to hold back the emotions that had been trapped for years beneath the surface.

When she attempted to pull her hand from his beneath the lap robe, he held her fingers and prevented that break in connection. “I am certain once you start a pursuit of said woman, she will be flattered and will fall quickly.”

Only time would tell. He nodded. “Tell me about your son. From everything you’ve said, it sounds like you dote on him.”

“I can’t help it. He’s the light of my life.” When she smiled, his heart skipped a beat. “As I’ve said, he is twelve and is exploring the world around him, testing his limits, spreading his wings as it were.” Briefly, she held her bottom lip between her teeth, and when she released it, he was sorely tempted to kiss those cherry red pieces of flesh. “I named him George.”

“After his father?”

“Bite your tongue.” Her tinkling chuckle sent interest into his shaft. “I didn’t wish to give that man any sort of legacy. I named the boy after a character in a book I admired at the time.” Color appeared in her cheeks, most likely due to the chill in the air. “But he is smart and clever. He enjoys music and mathematics. I am hopeful his future will be bright… if he can work through his grief.”

“He will need to come home for that to happen. I have discovered for myself that one can’t navigate those waters alone.” It was another truth he couldn’t believe he shared with her. There was just something about this woman that invited secrets and confessions that he’d never found in anyone before.

“Have you worked through your own grief and other emotions?”

“Some of them. I don’t imagine the rest will happen overnight.”

“No. There isn’t a magic potion or a timeline for things like that. When George comes home, I will give him the space he requires but make certain he knows he can talk to me if need be.” A sigh of frustration left her throat. “Although, I fear he truly needs a man at a time like this, but that is not enough reason for me to marry.”

“Of course it’s not, for after the boy is grown, you will still have the husband.” A companionable silence grew between them for a long time before he spoke again. “You’d mentioned you had two other children, but they’d died. Might I ask what happened?”

“Oh.” This time, she managed to pull her hand from his. “My middle daughter died of a sickness. The second daughter was stillborn.” Her swallow was audible, and she looked away, but that slight wobble of her chin had him giving a piece of his heart to her. “I’ll never forget either of them. Though I might not mourn for their father, he did give me those children, even if I never got to hold the last one or see her open her eyes.”

“I am so sorry, Nancy,” he murmured as his chest tightened. “I can’t imagine the pain and grief you have been through.”

“It has been difficult, especially with little to no support from my husband.” When she glanced at him, tears had gathered in her eyes, magnifying the green.

If the man were alive today, Edward would have called him out. There was no excuse to forsake one’s wife. “I hope your future provides you more happiness than your past did.” He felt like a nodcock, and there was nothing he could say that would make it better, so all he could offer was comfort.

“Thank you. Perhaps if I did marry again, I would have different results.”

“That is always the hope.” Not knowing what else to do, Edward slipped an arm about her waist and pulled her into his side. She came willing enough, and her warmth was most welcome.

“All I ever wanted was a man who doted on me, a man who loved me for me, not what I could do for him,” she said in a soft voice. “But men lie, and we don’t know that until we’re stuck.”

“I’m sorry.” It was such a meaningless thing to say.

“Thank you. I’m glad you are here and the one I have talked with over the past few days.” When she laid a gloved hand on his chest, his muscles tensed. “There is something comforting about you, Edward, something I never realized before.”

Taking that as a good thing, he shifted position on the bench so that he faced her then he tugged her into his arms and tucked the lap robe around them both. “That is how I feel each time I’m in your company as well, as if I’ve known you forever instead of having only spent one night at a ball thirteen years ago.”

She tipped her head backward and their gazes met. “Perhaps we met at the wrong time.”

Hope and longing reflected in her teary eyes, but he didn’t answer; he couldn’t. Did it mean she would welcome a suit now from him where she hadn’t before? Could he take that chance? Instead, he moved a gloved hand to cup her cheek, eased it down to curl about the side of her neck, then claimed her lips with his, driver be damned.

Over and over, Edward gently kissed her, moved over her mouth in a bit to introduce himself to her in such an intimate way. This time, the widow returned his overture, and soon enough, she twined her hands about his shoulders, which layered her upper body against his.

Never once was the embrace broken.

When one of the runners of the sleigh hit a bump or rock beneath the snow, the vehicle jolted, which jostled them apart. He looked at her with a wry grin.

“I won’t apologize for the kiss this time.”

A slow smile curved her kiss swollen lips. “I don’t want you to.”

“Good.” For the remainder of the journey, they sat side by side and held hands with very little conversation, but then, there wasn’t any need for it.

Eventually when the manor house came into view, Nancy stirred. “Will you make up part of the caroling party this evening before dinner?”

He snorted. Cold disappointment went through his gut knowing the outing was nearly over. “I hadn’t thought to.”

“Please?” Briefly, she let a hand linger on his thigh. “Kitty told me you are a lovely singer.”

“Ha! I dabble, I suppose.” But he was pleased all the same that his sister had said something positive about him to Nancy.

“Well, I am going, at least for as long as I can stand the cold.” She tipped her head back and giggled when a few snowflakes fell on her face.

Damn, what he wouldn’t do to make her warm again. The opportunity to be with her, though, was too great a temptation. “Then I’ll come. For you.” To show her that he wasn’t the arrogant prick she’d used to think he was. To show her he’d changed.

To show her that he was ready for marriage and love—with her—for there was no use in denying it to himself. Those feelings he harbored? They had been naught but love all along.