Shattered (Koa #5)

35. Asher

Chapter 35

Asher

I ’ve heard PTSD is a bitch. But did I expect to be woken up six times with my terrified girl screaming in my ear?

Never.

Every time she screamed, Neela was right there in the doorway. Even without our help, she seemed to fall right back to sleep. But I sure as fuck didn’t.

I give up around five AM, my sanity gone. After making sure Lila is comfortable and asleep, I get into my chair and head for the kitchen, seriously feeling the pain in my leg from the incisions. To my surprise, Neela’s gone, replaced by the squirrely blonde who was in Lila’s window that first night. This must be Macy. She startles me initially, since I’m still jumpy from everything that went down. She’s a cute little thing, younger than Lila. She glares at me with two big owl eyes as I roll into the kitchen, heading for the coffee maker.

“Good morning to you, too,” I say dryly.

I feel her observing me from the cluttered table as I move. She’s nervous. Still, she stands up and approaches me hesitantly, reaching for the coffee maker on the counter above me.

“Let me get that for you,” she says, reaching the top cupboard to pull down a mug. Once it’s down, she pours me a mug while I take a few breaths, trying to calm myself down, but it’s useless.

“Cream and sugar?” she asks, and all I can bring myself to do is nod.

“I’m Macy. I’m sorry about your friend. Neela told me he died.”

Bane… I can’t. “What happened to you? Turner said you were taken, too.”

She recoils, shaking her head. “I don’t know you. And I may have helped Lila track you down, but I did that for her sake, not yours. I don’t trust you.”

“I didn’t hurt Lila.”

“That doesn’t make what you did right.”

“No, you’re right. But regardless of how anyone else feels about it, she needs me right now. I’m not going anywhere.”

Her eyes narrow on me further. “Don’t you fucking hurt her. After everything that’s happened, I don’t know if she’ll survive another blow.”

“I meant it, Macy. I’m not going anywhere.”

That seems to soften her a little around the edges. The hackles come down, and she relaxes into the chair.

“What happened to you? Tell me everything. ”

Angry again. “I’m not telling you everything. My stepbrother Colin took me hostage.”

“Alright, go on; what did he do to you?” I ask a little gruffly. I really need to work on my empathy if I’m going to help Lila.

She lets out a deep breath before speaking. “Everything he could. He tortured me. Beat me, broke my bones, and after four days of that, he shot me and left me to die.”

She doesn’t look like she’s finished speaking. She needs a nudge, but there’s no gentle way to ask. “Did he rape you?”

After a nervous pause, she nods. “So please, tell me… Is what happened to her anything like what happened to me?”

I’m not telling her shit, but I’ll admit that much. “Similar.”

She has to take a moment to steady herself.

“How do I get her through this? I don’t have a fucking clue what to do or say.”

“Nothing you can say or do will take it away. Just be there for her. My husband, Gareth, didn’t always know what to say, but he was always there for me. And that went both ways. I helped him lay some pretty heavy burdens to rest. That’s how our trust became so strong.”

I nod. “It’s so hard to talk. And when it’s quiet, all I can hear is her screams…”

Macy’s brows lift. “Did you see it?”

I find myself clenching my lips together to try to hold my shit together. Then I’m wiping the tears as they come. “It was livestreamed on the dark web.”

Macy breaks, hiding her face in her hands as she sobs, and once I hear her, I start. The amount of fucking crying …

When Macy finally comes up for air, her face is red, and her eyes are bloodshot. “What kind of fucking monsters could do this to her?”

“Dead ones. They’re gone. Never coming back.”

She sniffles. “You’re sure they’re dead?”

“Oh yeah, deader than dead. Ask Lila how she killed Rooney; it’s pretty impressive.”

Her eyes widen. “She killed one?”

“Brutalized. It still doesn’t come close to what they did to her, but still.”

Macy nods, understanding. She stifles her sniffles and wipes her tears away, changing the subject. “Is your leg gonna be okay?”

I shrug. “Okay as it’s going to get. I’ll be in a wheelchair until it’s healed; then, I’ll need something to help me walk.”

She frowns. “That’s got to make you pretty angry.”

“All that anger got me into this mess in the first place. I’m handling it.”

Before she can respond, a pained voice calls out from the den. “Asher?”

“I’m here, Sunshine,” I call.

“Do you think you could bring my pain medication?” she asks.

“On it.”

When I reach across the table for the pill bottle, Macy grabs it.

“I’ve got it.”

“I got it,” I argue.

Her brows furrow. “Go out on the deck and drink your coffee. Take a breather; you look like you need one.”

When I open my mouth to argue, she raises a finger, silencing me.

“If she needs you, I know where to find you. ”

Finally, I nod. But before she goes to Lila, I need help. “Macy?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you ask Turner to come by sometime? I want to talk to him. Apologize.”

She smiles slightly. “Yeah, I can ask. And Asher? You should find something to channel your anger into. It’ll help.”

“Thanks.” She’s probably right.

Macy was right. The fresh air does wonders as I sit on the deck drinking my coffee, watching the sky turn pink as the sun begins to rise. This town is so quiet and peaceful. Only the low sound of distant cars and the sound of birds chirping fill my ears.

For the first time since Lila was taken, I actually feel a little bit at peace. And that feeling is robbed when I remember that Bane’s dead. Jared’s dead. It brings me back to everything, watching Lila on my phone, how fucking scared I was when they dragged her out of the room to drown her.

I’ve never been a guy to feel my feelings. I’d bury them. But since Lila, I can’t do it. I’ve cried more in the last week than in my entire life. And I won’t fight it. I allow myself to feel it.

After I’ve calmed down some, I hear a vehicle pull into the driveway. A door opens and shuts, and a pair of heavy footsteps approach. Finally, Turner comes into view. His eyes are sunken, and he looks tired as shit.

“I hear you want to talk,” he says in that trademark rough voice, his eyes drifting down to my wheelchair with surprise.

Jesus, Macy’s fast. The sun isn’t even up yet. “I didn’t mean right this minute.”

He shrugs, stepping casually up the ramp. “I was already awake.” He sits down beside me in one of Sunshine’s lawn chairs with a to-go mug in his lap, staring over the trees where the sky is pink.

A surprisingly comfortable silence falls between us as we sip our coffee. But I have a piece to say, and I’m not gonna pussy out now.

“You have some really good friends, you know. I’ve never had anything like this. It was always just Bane and me.”

Turner nods. “And now he’s gone.”

I tear up again but just let them dribble down my cheeks.

“You got your leg fixed,” he says, sounding surprised.

“Yeah. I went to Dr. Ramos, and he helped me out. Same guy I pretty well spat on when I first got to town.”

Turner actually chuckles. “Ramos is a good guy. Great doctor; shitty bedside manner.”

Yeah, that’s him in a nutshell. “I wanted to thank you. You may have seriously kicked me when I was down, but it was the kick in the ass I needed.”

“Anytime. Happy to help.”

“There’s no bad blood over here. I know that everything you did, you did to protect Lila. And I know it was all my fault. This whole mess is the worst mistake I’ve ever made, and I will do whatever it takes to earn my place in her life.”

Turner nods, distant, as he considers. Finally, he speaks. “We all make mistakes.”

“How can I take care of her, mourn Bane and Jared, and deal with this fucked leg all at the same time?”

Turner’s lips turn up a little, his scowl disappearing, but he doesn’t quite smile at me. “With help. Lila has a lot of friends in her corner. We all take care of each other.”

“But I’m supposed to be her strength.”

“With that attitude, you never will be. She can’t be your strength right now; how do you expect to be hers? You’re both in hell, and you need to come up for air together . You don’t need to be strong for Lila. You just need to be there.”

I have to take a few deep breaths to absorb Turner’s words. “Have you ever loved anyone?”

“I’m not the guy to ask about love,” Turner says.

“No?”

“I have an ex-wife from a relationship riddled with the worst mistakes a man can make. But now, I just don’t see the point. I’m old. Any partner would outlast me, and do I want to subject a woman I love to that? No.”

“Dude, you’re not that old. What’re you, fifty-five?”

“Life’s short, Asher. It goes by quicker than you think.”

“Well, as cryptic as that is, you still didn’t answer my question. Is there someone you love?”

The motherfucker is pushing me for my feelings but won’t even admit his own.When he doesn’t answer, I continue.

“I never actually hurt Lila, you know. There were rules. Technically, a safe word. Everything I did to her, she wanted.” That might not be completely true, but for the most part, it is.

He turns to me, lifting a brow. “She told you that?”

“Yes, she did. I know you don’t trust me, but I promise you. I would never really hurt her, especially not now. ”

Turner smiles. “We need to work together to get her through this. Not just you and me, all of us.”

“But she still doesn’t want to see anyone. She hasn’t eaten since she’s been home.”

“Give her time. It’s only been a few days.”

Time. So unreassuring.