Shattered (Koa #5)

39. Lila

Chapter 39

Lila

A s I stare at Asher’s ankle, something inside me breaks, shattering into a million pieces. And my reaction was not what Asher was expecting.

“Lila?” he stares at me.

That’s when my sobs take over, rendering me speechless, and I curl over, letting myself fall to the ground, unable to catch myself.

“Lila, talk to me,” Asher pleads, reaching down for me.

My eyes blur with tears as everything hits me at once like a fucking truck. Suddenly, I can feel every wound. I can feel the torch on my skin. I can feel Rooney ripping me apart. I can see Jared die, choking on acid. I can see the look on Asher’s face when Turner told him his best friend in the world had bled out.

And as I stare at this imperfect tattoo, it pushes me over the edge .

With tears spilling from my eyes, I let out a sob. “Asher…”

“It’s okay, Sunshine.” He leads me to the sofa at the front of the shop and transfers into it from his wheelchair, and I follow right at his side. My tears melt into his T-shirt as he holds me.

“How am I supposed to go on? Everything’s so wrong!”

He squeezes me for dear life as though he’s hanging by a thread, just like me, because he is.

“You know, when Turner kicked me out, I ended up sitting in a hall, crying my eyes out, scared as fuck,” Asher says, his voice shaky, as though he’s holding back tears. “That was rock bottom for me, Sunshine. Bane and Jared were dead, you were nearly killed, and it was my fault. My stupid fucking leg. You know what got me through it? You.”

“How?” I cry.

“Because you’re the most important person in my life, and I wasn’t going to abandon you. I had to be better. I had you to hold on to. You need to find that thing worth holding on to and not let it go.”

If there’s one thing anchoring me to this earth right now, it’s Asher. What if he’d died? I think I would’ve died too.

“Let it out, Sunshine. Don’t bottle it up. I can take it.”

As I sob into his chest, I struggle to breathe, and he rubs my back tenderly as more flashbacks from that day come back.

“I couldn’t breathe!” I sob. “They must’ve dunked me a dozen times, drawing it out as long as possible. I didn’t know which time they weren’t going to pull me out, and I was going to die.”

It hurts so bad just to say it. But as I cry, I swear I feel the tears cleansing me. I’ve bottled up so much. And as I let it out, for the first time, I feel like I can go on.

“Let it out, Sunshine, and put it into your art. Make it sing. And then you let me wipe away all your tears.”

When I break into tears, Asher pulls me tight, cradling my head against his chest.

“I know, Sunshine. Let it out.”

My body freezes when his hand drifts from my back down to my hip. A strange mix of fear and pleasure instantly begins to fill me, and I nuzzle even closer to him. He’s so hesitant where he puts his hands.

I don’t like this Asher. He’s afraid of me.

“You can’t treat me like glass,” I whisper.

“Not forever,” he assures me.

“No, not ever.”

“You need to heal, Sunshine.”

The strangest urge washes over me, consuming me. “Ash…”

“Shh…” he whispers. “Sunshine, we’re not negotiating this. You need to heal.”

“I need him off me,” I cry. I’ll do anything to take away this awful feeling. And Asher won’t hurt me. I may be a mouse caught in a giant’s trap, but right now, while I’m so broken, he’s a gentle giant.

Asher sighs, his body tensing against mine. “Sunshine…”

“Please. Just a little…”

I swear I feel his resolve folding. “If I’m going to touch you, you need to promise me that you’ll tell me if I need to stop. Do not let me hurt you. Not now.”

When I shakily nod into his chest, he slowly sinks his hand into my underwear. And suddenly, I’m back in his den the first time he touched me, when he pinned me against a wall and aggressively fingered me until I came twice all over his hand. Back when he flipped my world upside down and made me rethink every sexual experience I’ve ever had.

His rough fingers brush against my clit, softly stroking it and waking up my sluggish body. When I tense, he pauses, his hand cupping me.

“Sunshine?”

He can’t do this, and I can’t exactly blame him. “Don’t stop. Please. I need you. Tell me I’m yours.”

Something in my words must click because, finally, his fingers drift to my entrance. I wonder if I feel any different after all the trauma, but if I do, he doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he says exactly what I need him to.

“You’re mine, Sunshine. You’ve always been mine.”

The words out of his mouth light me on fire, and my breathing picks up as I quake with need, my body fighting my mind.

“I know you’re hurt, and you need to heal. But I promise you, Sunshine… I’m here to be what you need.”

What I need is for things to go back to the way they were when he took what he wanted from me without question.

Finally, he begins to slip a finger inside me. When he finds me bone dry, he pulls his hand out and wets a single finger in his mouth, his eyes sensually resting in mine as he does. Then he returns his hand. He runs his fingertip around the outside, lighting me on fire as he waits for me to let him in. When I don’t, he pushes in. My whole pelvis tenses as he sinks that single finger into me, and I let out a cry.

“You’re okay, Sunshine. Let me take the pain away.”

When he starts to stroke my insides with a single finger, I tense, but eventually, I melt into him, my body relaxing. The gentle pleasure begins to take over, and evidence of my arousal makes everything feel a little better. When I whimper, I press my lips against his neck, sucking gently. When Asher lets out a deep moan, it goes straight to my core, and I begin to tighten, clamping down on that single finger. When my breathing picks up and I start to tremble, he slows his strokes to practically nothing, letting me ride out the orgasm.

And when the contractions stop, I don’t feel that same ghostly presence I did before. Still, the tears fall freely.

“I love you, Lila,” he whispers, taking my breath away.

A sob slips from my lips as those four words echo over and over in my head.

“I love you too, Ash.”

When I kiss his neck again, he lets out a rumbling groan before squeezing me a little tighter, surrounding me in his warmth.

“We’re gonna get you through this,” he promises.

“You lied to me, didn’t you?”

The question catches Asher off guard, and it takes him a moment. Still, he smiles slightly, nodding.

I didn’t realize until the drive home when I was going over every minute that had passed since walking into the shop. But once I realized, I felt stupid for even missing it.Bane was never going to tattoo a mountain on him. Asher just wanted me to do it.

“I may have played on your heartstrings a little,” he admits.“I’m sorry for being such an asshole this morning. I didn’t mean any of it. I’d never push you that hard. I just needed to get through to you. ”

I should be mad that he lied to me out of principle. But I’m glad he did. “It worked like a charm.”

“Neela and I noticed how much you seemed drawn to tattooing, and we thought encouraging you might be a good idea.”

This is exactly the kind of thing I was pissed off about before. But after everything that’s happened, I’m seeing things differently. They only meddle because they care. Losing Ian took something from me. I lost sight of all of us, our big, weird family. It took Asher crashing into town and flipping everything upside down for me to see that. It nearly took my life.

Neela got it exactly right about Turner, that he meddles because he cares. He was just scared, trying to keep me safe. I can’t fault him for that. Turner is the backbone of Koa. Whenever we’re in trouble, he’s always there.

“Will you teach me more? How to tattoo?”

“Yes, Sunshine, I’ll teach you everything I know. I need a new artist, and you need something to channel all that pain. We’re a perfect match.”

I have Asher wait in the car when we get to Turner’s place. There are a few other cars parked, including a big utility van. Before I can question what it’s for as I pass it, the back door opens, and a man in workwear exits. He nods a hello as he heads past me. Turner is standing in the doorway, his eyes softening on me.

“Hey,” he says gently.

The way he melts as he looks at me shatters my heart. I’ve done him so wrong.

“Lila-”

“Don’t,” I cut him off. “Let me?”

At first he sighs, but finally, he allows me to speak.

“You never should’ve sent Asher away. But I know why you did. Because you care.”

He nods, his eyes filling with sadness. “You know I do.”

“You risked your life to save me. I never should’ve yelled at you. I don’t hate you; I could never. None of us could.”

“Lila, you don’t owe me an apology. You were right,” he says softly. “I went behind your back to protect you from Asher, and after speaking with him, I realize I never had to. You were spiraling, and I didn’t trust you to take care of yourself.”

I smile. “If Asher were a problem I couldn’t handle, I would’ve gone right to you. You take care of all of us; you always have. Even when we don’t exactly want you to.”

He smiles. “Someone’s got to. You lot are a wreck.” His eyes drift down to my chest, where a large bandage is poking out of my T-shirt.“You have no idea how scared he was to lose you.”

“No, I do. I felt it when he found me.”

He nods. “There are a lot of other people who were scared to lose you too. People chomping at the bit to see you, to know you’re okay.”

“I know. I’m just… I’m so tired.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Just let them see that you’re okay.”

When he puts it that way, I realize he’s right.