Sin of the Saints (Between Delusion and Sobriety Duet #2)

Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Bellcolor

T he shower water is cold as ice, and I luxuriate in it, but my pleasure is only temporary.

Hillel claimed that Bar is within him, but even when his eyes flashed momentarily they were so different I could barely recognize a trace of his presence. I know Lilith has awoken in me, but her incarnation into the realms of Man is unlike what I’ve known before, when the marked ones become vessels for demons who incarnate into them. My father didn’t give me the complete picture about our status in the lands of Adam, and I wonder how much he actually revealed to me.

Libretto used him so I’d remove my defenses. I thought my father was on my side, but he chose to stand on Libretto’s instead. Why had he done that? And why had Lilith chosen not to take control of my being?

“Tell me what to do,” I say, resting my hand on my chest and feeling my heart galloping uncontrollably. Lilith is ill at ease, I feel her tempestuous emotions and fear losing myself in them. She doesn’t answer, and I try again. “Tell me what you want from me.”

“What I’ve lost, and can never regain.”

I’m stunned by her answer. “What the hell do I have to offer you?”

“ Innocence. ”

“After everything that’s happened, I doubt I have any innocence left. The murders I’ve witnessed, Libretto’s gluttony, the lust I myself have felt… good God, everything that happened in that cabin with that stranger.” I think of my wanton behavior and I’m filled with shame. That’s not me.

“ It’s still within you, ” she says. “ I feel it. ”

“Then what do you need it for?” I can’t figure her out.

“You accused Ashmedai of the same thing I blame myself for, and Hillel. Could it be that it’s not love I feel, but nothing more than lust? Is that what he feels for me? ” I feel a sharp pang in my heart and wince at the pain. Lilith… “God cursed me, you know.”

“I saw your memories. He gave you the curse of blood. You coveted Hillel’s blood, so He cursed you to depend upon it.”

“No! ” Her voice is thunderous, and I slam my back against the shower tiles. “ No,” she repeats, her voice softening. “ I think He has made me unlovable. Love can only exist when a person still has innocence. Hillel and I? I wanted to believe it still existed in us, but our souls have become damned, just as God sees us. ”

“So everything I felt for Bar was nothing more than the lust you feel for Hillel?” She falls silent. “Lilith?”

“ Don’t let anyone take your innocence .” And thus she concludes our conversation. I feel her raise her impenetrable wall within me.

I shut off the water faucet and put on a summer dress I found in the closet. She was bigger than me, the heavyset woman whose life Hillel took. But I don’t care. Clothes feel foreign on my skin since the transformation anyway.

As I head to the bedroom, I find Valentina lying on the double bed, twirling a gun around her finger. She smiles at me, but I’m startled; Her eyes are strange and her smile is false.

“I must admit, Bellcolor, this isn’t simple for me,” my mother combs my long black hair.

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?” I ask, even though I’m afraid to know the answer. She’s not like any of the other kindergarten mothers.

“It’s a terrible thing to admit.” She won’t return my gaze in the mirror as we sit before it.

“To admit it out loud, you mean.” I’m old enough to understand her. It’s me, I know that. I’m the source of my mother’s sadness.

She doesn’t answer. She stops brushing my hair, and I think she hasn’t breathed since sitting down to comb it. Maybe she’s already dead. Because of me.

“I don’t want to be a mom,” I admit. “It must be so terrible.”

She shrinks back and her hand tightens on my hair. It hurts. She’s hurting me just as my existence must be hurting her.

“It’s late,” she hisses, and rises to leave my room.

“But it’s only 7,” I peek at the clock hanging on the wall. “It’s not time to sleep yet.”

She sends me a petrifying look and I freeze in place.

“No, Bellcolor, it’s time to wake up.”

“Valentina?” I ask with a trembling voice.

The memory is so fresh. I didn’t know I still retained memories of my mother. Those eyes, they awaken something in me that I’d suppressed.

“My father will be furious when he hears what’s happened to his cabin. Especially since the location’s been burned, and I don’t mean that metaphorically.” She keeps spinning the gun on her finger like it’s a routine thing.

“I’m sorry,” I say honestly, continuing to examine just what has changed in her.

“I have a feeling you haven’t stopped apologizing from the day we’ve met. The question is whether you’re truly sorry.” She narrows her eyes and I swallow the lump growing in my throat under her piercing gaze.

“Where’s Bar… uh, Hillel?” I evade her stare and the embarrassing conversation. She’s right.

“Busy.” Her answer is curt. “You don’t have to worry about that now.”

“Okay.” I have no choice but to glare back at her. I don’t like her answer. When did she find the time to team up with him? And since when is it her concern whether I do or don’t have any reason to worry about him? “What happened with Libretto? How did you get out of the castle?”

She cocks her gun and I’m startled. “I’m not completely lacking in skills,” she chuckles.

“I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise. It’s just that all the Council members—”

“I didn’t see them,” she interrupts me. “I set up a diversion so you could escape. When they realized they were chasing their own tail, I got out of there.”

“And how did you find us here?”

“When I approached my father’s cabin I saw the pillar of smoke and heard the sirens from afar. I knew you wouldn’t be there, so I drove to the nearest farm. Fortunately, I know the area pretty well. You have nothing to worry about.”

“You keep saying that.” The irritation is clear in my voice. “I’m no child, I don’t understand why you and Hillel are treating me this way.”

She gives me a full and teeth-baring smile, and queasiness runs down my spine. “Of course, Lilith.” She leaps onto the bed and turns to the door. Before she leaves, she says: “Just so you know, I’d rather receive thanks than forgiveness.”

She’s right. She managed to track Bar down and rescue me from Libretto’s claws, and I didn’t thank her. And yet I have the feeling that I’m not safe with them.

She takes the stairs down to the first floor, and I press against the wall so I can silently track her.

“She’s grown so much,” I hear her whisper to Hillel. Grown? What does she mean? I cautiously descend the stairs and pray they don’t squeak, giving away my eavesdropping.

“She’s different. It’ll be a problem,” he answers, and chills run through me.

“You mustn’t underestimate her. Or you’ll be repeating my mistake.” He grunts something in response and I dare to peek at them. Hillel’s face is very close to Valentina’s, too close. I can’t hear what he’s saying, but Valentina’s lower lip starts quivering.

“Y-yes,” her voice is almost inaudible. A satisfied smile rises on his lips – and he presses his mouth to hers.

I fall backwards in shock.

“Don’t lose your innocence, ” I hear Lilith’s words in my mind, but suddenly it seems like the wish of a far-too-innocent heart.