Somewhere New (Isle of Doughnut #1)

Chapter Thirty-Eight

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

CALLUM

I thought I knew loneliness.

Almost my entire family was murdered. My sister had been kept from me by guilt and shame. I pushed away my pack and lived alone in the mountains. I habitually went days, if not weeks, without seeing another person.

All of that had nothing on what I felt now. Or perhaps I’d forgotten what loneliness was like. I’d worn it across my shoulders like a heavy blanket, one Aster had lifted away.

I’d assumed that when he left, my life would fall back into the familiar patterns I’d adopted since I fled into the mountains. I expected pain, but I couldn’t have prepared for this.

This was beyond pain. Beyond longing and wishing.

My whole being ached as Kit ferried a sobbing Aster down the mountains. I’d stayed still while Aster packed, my face securely pressed into the ground as I knelt with my arms tight around my torso. If I moved, I’d run and tug him into my arms and never let go. I wouldn’t allow myself to be that selfish .

I’d assumed that after an hour or so of deep anguish, the sadness would lift and I would go on with my day. Instead, I stayed on the mountainside until a goat headbutted my ribs. I groaned, then rocked back onto my heels.

If not impossible without serious magical intervention, I would have assumed my healing powers had switched off. Every muscle, every ligament and joint, screamed in sharp pain. All my body wanted to do was dash down the mountains after Aster, but I wouldn’t let it. I made myself stand, made myself walk to the cabin. Inside, I didn’t look at all the spaces that had been so recently occupied by Aster’s things. I stumbled through to the bedroom. On the bed was a jumper carrying his scent. I pushed my face into it and hours later cried myself to sleep.

I thought I would recover as days passed, but they were torture. Aster returned to the mountains each morning, the whining Mini announcing his arrival. He didn’t park up outside the cabin. He left Kit’s car further down the road and walked between his examination squares.

I didn’t follow him. Didn’t avoid him. Didn’t do anything. I huddled on the side of the sofa he’d favoured and listened intently to him breathing. He spoke to the goats, muttered to himself. At the end of each day he walked back to the car and drove down the mountains.

Five days after Aster left, my phone rang as I was thinking of making dinner. The previous days, I’d eaten hunks of bread and random vegetables. I needed something more substantial, but all food became tasteless mush in my mouth.

Before Bonnie’s ringtone could lodge itself in my head, I unearthed my phone from between two books on my bedside table .

‘What?’ I didn’t bother to erase any of the misery from my voice. Bonnie would be able to sense it, even across the miles separating us.

‘What the fuck have you done?’ she growled. ‘Aster has just been here for dinner and he told us he’s been living with Kit the last few days, that he’s not taking the job on the island.’

‘You shouldn’t have meddled,’ I snarled, uncowed by the displeasure of my Alpha. ‘You’ve made everything worse.’

‘How on earth was arranging a job for the man you want to have biologically impossible babies with the wrong thing to do? Please explain this to me, dearest brother of mine, because I am struggling to do the maths here.’

I shook my head. ‘Aster can’t stay. He’s got a life to go back to.’

‘You’re an idiot.’ Bonnie huffed. ‘A self-sacrificing fool.’

‘I don’t need this.’ Even I recognised the broken timbre of my voice.

‘Cally, you need him. That’s why I arranged the job; for you. Living with Aster has changed your life. You can’t tell me you don’t want him to stay, that you don’t love him?’

I blinked away tears. ‘Of course I want him to stay and of course I love him, but that doesn’t change anything. He came here to have a break from his life and now he’s returning to it. That’s how it should be.’

Bonnie sighed. ‘He will leave if you don’t do something.’

‘I know,’ I ground out. Maybe that was why I was in agony right now. While Aster remained on the island, I could go down to the village and beg him to stay. Maybe once he was gone my broken heart would find peace.

‘I sense you’ve not got much more conversation left in you. Before you go back to sobbing into a pair of Aster’s underwear, let me say one more thing.’

I rolled my eyes, since there was no one around to judge me. ‘What?’

‘It’s not selfish to tell someone you love them. It’s not selfish to tell Aster you want him to stay.’

‘You’re wrong.’ I ended the call.

The rest of the week I woke up, made some attempt to feed myself, then settled onto the sofa to listen to Aster. He didn’t once say my name. That felt like a sign.

I panicked when he dismantled the examination squares. He had two more days on the island, so I thought I had another couple of days to listen to him. He must have gotten all the information he needed and decided to pack everything down early.

I didn’t go to bed that night. I stayed on the sofa, my tears soaking into cushions that held a hint of Aster’s scent. Tim and the other goat snuggled around my feet. I’d given up nudging them away days ago.

I thought having Aster around caused me pain, but not having him near would be a hundred times worse. I’d survive it, had already proven a decade ago that I could live through desperate heartbreak, but I didn’t know if I would fully recover. Like the loss of my family, Aster leaving would scar me.

I jolted from a half-sleeping stupor when the whine of Kit’s Mini announced Aster coming up the mountain the next day. I blinked stupidly, half panicking and half hopeful he was coming to see me. If anything, he parked further away from the cabin.

As the car door slammed, I untangled myself from the goats and blankets. I didn’t check how I looked before pulling on my boots. It didn’t matter. Aster wouldn’t see me, but I needed to see him. Just look at him one last time.

I opened the door, and was hit by his scent. I cringed away from the salty edge, evidence our separation hurt him too. I consoled myself it couldn’t possibly be as painful for him, as I followed his most recent trail through the swaying grass. A little sadness now was worth it if Aster lived the full life he was meant to.

Aster sat beside a river, and I looped around him to hide in a copse of trees. I gripped the bark so tightly it bit into my skin when I realised where he was.

The place where we’d admitted our attraction to one another.

I clung to the tree. Aster wouldn’t have remembered that. It couldn’t have been as significant to him as it was to me. For him, this was just a pretty place. No additional meaning.

He breathed deep and even. After several minutes of quiet sitting, he placed his hands on the ground. His fingers sank into the lush grass. Wild flowers swayed around him. I’d never get to ask him their names.

I started at a zing of energy. Frowning, I stared at Aster. It didn’t look like he was doing anything special, but I could feel it. He was doing something with his magic.

Minutes passed with the same strange energy coursing through me. It made me wary Aster knew I was here, but when he opened his eyes he didn’t look over.

He stood, dusted off his jeans, and walked back to the Mini. I followed, keeping a careful distance. I pressed hard into my chest to ease the harsh ache as he drove down to the village.

That was it then. Aster had come to the mountains one last time and he hadn’t tried to find me. He would leave tomorrow without a proper goodbye.

I couldn’t blame him. I hadn’t made this easy. I didn’t have the strength to do anything but get through this.

Tears already tracking down my face, I walked to the cabin. Too preoccupied with missing Aster, I didn’t notice anything was different until I pushed open the door and the side of my hand caught on a sharp thorn. Using my palms to clear the tears from my face, I paced backwards. I got the full picture once I was a good distance from the cabin.

It was covered in roses. They trailed over the walls and across the roof. Neat gaps marked the windows and door, but otherwise the whole cabin was covered in lush green. The foliage was broken up by bursts of colour. Deep reds and bright oranges, dusky pinks and sunshine yellows.

The smell encapsulated one part of Aster’s scent perfectly. I closed my eyes and breathed. It was like he was standing beside me.

Opening my eyes, I frowned. I’d felt Aster’s magic coursing through me, but I hadn’t been standing between him and the cabin.

My heart flying as fast as my feet, I ran down the mountain. Veering off the road and onto a disused track, I raced to my old family home.

I found exactly what I’d expected.

It wasn’t all roses here. They tangled up the walls and cradled the roof, but all around, wild flowers bloomed. The lonely house was softened by delicate fronds and petals.

I walked around the building where my family had lived and, for the first time since the storm, peace settled over me. I could hear all the things Aster was saying with these flowers. That life could grow from darkness. That the end wasn’t always the end. That beauty could form from something horribly ugly.

I sat opposite my old front door, the paint worn and overgrown with pink roses.

I’d suffered loss before. I could endure it again. Aster had left me this parting gift, and I was so grateful despite how desperately sad him leaving made me.

More than anything else, these flowers and the roses at the cabin said one thing: goodbye.