Somewhere New (Isle of Doughnut #1)

Chapter Thirty-Nine

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

ASTER

M y grand gesture epically fucking failed.

I’d come to the conclusion—while eating my body weight in ice cream with Kit and having surprisingly pleasant meals with Bonnie and Joshua—that one of two things was going on with Callum. Either my first instinct had been right and only I had grown feelings, or he’d gotten it into his head that leaving Doughnut was the best thing for me and so he was willing to do anything—even hurt himself—to get me gone. I knew Callum, knew how much duty dictated his life. If he thought something was right, he wouldn’t care about his own feelings or needs.

Fear that the first option could be true—that Callum was happily living his normal life now and for him our time together was nothing but a fond memory tinged with embarrassment at how I’d made an arse of myself right at the end—stopped me from storming into the cabin and telling him I was staying on the island and there was nothing he could do about it.

I desperately wanted Callum to be in love with me. I wanted him to be a self-sacrificing fool like Bonnie insisted he was. But I didn’t trust myself. I’d been wrong too many times before.

I took a break from eating Joshua’s delicious food and crying with Kit to watch terrible nineties romcoms with Louisa and Errol. She insisted these films were the best cure for heartbreak, since they would make the whole idea of romance ridiculous if I watched enough of them. She also insisted I sit squished between her and Errol, said the contact was important. I hid a grin behind my hand when Errol muttered something about puppy piles. Now I knew about the whole werewolf thing, I didn’t see how anyone could miss it. These guys were not subtle.

The films helped me figure out one thing. Before I left the island, I had to do something. A big grand gesture to let Callum know I was thinking of him always and that all he had to do was say one word and I would be at his side now and forever.

I thought the flowers would work. I went to the spot by the river where we said we liked each other to tap into my powers. It felt like the right place, since this was the most romantic thing I’d ever done in my life.

I sat and thought all the best thoughts about Callum, then I coaxed flowers into life around his two homes.

I thought I was shouting loud and clear that I wanted to be a part of all of his life. I thought Callum would see the flowers and they would make him think so powerfully of me that he had to come to the village and find me.

I left my bedroom window open, despite the freezing sea breeze it let in. Scaling a wall would mean nothing to a werewolf, but my room remained non-invaded all night.

I had to hope—since it was increasingly likely Callum didn’t have deep feelings for me—that he wasn’t too annoyed by the army of roses that had sprung into life around his cabin. At least he was waiting until I left the island to cut them back. My magic was so alive here that I would feel it if he hacked into them.

Soon—too soon—my powers would fade to their usual uselessness. I stood on the jetty, waiting for Captain Errol to give the signal it was alright to walk across the health and safety nightmare that constituted his gangplank. I refused to look up at the road to the mountains again. I’d checked it too many times already.

Kit squeezed my arm. I dropped my bags and grabbed him.

‘I’m going to miss you,’ I said into one of his signature scarfs. He had a chest in his bedroom full of them. Neck warming made sense here, where the wind was always chilled. I got the sense Kit would have been a scarf wearer wherever he ended up though. At least he was hot enough to get away with it.

‘You’ll just miss my ice cream.’ Kit’s eyes shone as we stepped apart.

I huffed as I was tackled from behind. Strong arms banded across my chest.

‘I can’t believe you’re leaving,’ Bonnie growled into my ear. ‘My brother is the biggest idiot who ever idioted.’

I wriggled out of her arms and turned to frown at her. ‘Don’t be mean to him.’

She threw up her hands and looked to Joshua for support. He patted me on the shoulder. ‘I’ll make sure she isn’t too much of an arsehole.’

‘I don’t expect miracles.’ I ducked out of the way of Bonnie’s swipe. ‘Lovely to have met you.’ I grinned insincerely at her. ‘Please do keep in touch.’

Louisa’s head forced its way under my arm and she pulled me into a sideways hug. ‘You better fucking keep in touch with me. No one else on this island has good taste in TV. I need someone to talk shit with.’

‘I’m honoured to talk shit with you.’

‘It’s time,’ Errol said.

My heart stuttered. I turned to look at him. His face was inscrutable, only the softness of his voice betraying he cared about my feelings.

I grabbed my suitcase and backpack. ‘Right. I’m leaving then. Have said my goodbyes. Getting on the boat. That’s the plan.’

I couldn’t help it. I looked at the mountain road.

Nothing.

Trying not to look utterly crushed, I swallowed and walked across the narrow plank to the boat. Errol took my bags and stashed them in a waterproof cupboard underneath the boat’s big steering wheel.

‘Ready?’ he asked, tugging the gangplank onto the boat.

I clenched my fists, hoping he would attribute any extra moisture in my eyes to the fresh sea breeze battering us. ‘Yup. Totally ready.’

He didn’t comment on how high and weird my voice was. Instead, he did whatever boat things he needed to do to ferry me across to the mainland. It was just me and him making this journey. I didn’t know how well I was going to hold it together when Doughnut dipped out of sight, but I suspected it wouldn’t be pretty. No one else needed to witness that.

‘Aster?’ Errol said my name quietly. ‘Come here. ’

One hand on the wheel, he used the other to tuck me into his side. Apparently, I didn’t have to wait until the island disappeared to fall apart. I snuggled under Errol’s shoulder and my tears soaked into his thick fleece.

We faced away from the island, so I couldn’t torture myself by watching it grow slowly smaller. I snuffled into Errol’s side, and wasn’t even distracted as dolphins danced and flipped in the sparkling water.

‘I have to look back.’ I extracted myself from Errol’s tight embrace after several quiet minutes of sniffling.

As always, his face was unreadable. He didn’t stop me stumbling to the back of the boat.

Doughnut was already so far away. I could cover it with my hand. Blinking back more tears, my eyes raked over the high peaks and multicoloured cottages.

The group on the jetty had dispersed, but one person remained. I gasped when I realised who it was.

‘Aster? Are you alright? Hold on to the railing.’

I did as Captain Errol commanded, despite the desperate thrumming of my heart having nothing to do with the boat dipping and swaying atop the gentle waves.

‘Callum’s there.’

Even though wind whistled around us, I heard Errol’s sigh. ‘Of course he is.’

We were too far away to discern the expression on Callum’s face. He was wearing his favourite jumper, the green one that brought out the golden flecks in his eyes. There was no one else quite like Callum on the island, no one like him in the world. It had to be him. I would recognise those stupidly broad shoulders anywhere.

A weird mix of emotions swirled through me as I stared at him. He’d come, but had left it too late. There would be no actual goodbye. We could awkwardly wave, but he’d left it late enough that I wouldn’t be able to say anything to him.

Maybe to save himself awkwardness, since he didn’t feel anything for me. But—and this might have been the desperation talking—maybe he’d come down to the village when there was no chance to stop me leaving because if he came too close, he would hold on and never let go.

‘Is there any way you can tune out what I’m about to say?’ I asked Errol. ‘I know Callum won’t be able to hear me, but I have some things to tell him.’

‘I don’t need to tune you out.’ Errol adjusted the wheel. ‘I’ll just ignore you.’

‘Thank you. So kind. I shall always come to you when I need a boost.’ I stuck my tongue out at him and turned back to Callum. Who was even smaller. If I wanted to say something vaguely to his face, I needed to do it now.

‘Hey, Cal.’ I tried for a smile that felt more like a grimace. ‘I have things to say to you and I know you can’t hear me even with your wolfy powers, but if you could stand there until I’m done that would do me a real solid.’

I swallowed, desperately ordering the mass of words tangled inside my head. ‘I’m mad at you? Like, in a I’m totally in love with you and can’t believe you’re pushing me away kind of way. Oh yeah. Because if you haven’t worked it out already: I love you. Yup. It’s declaration time.’

I took a deep breath, staring at Callum’s lonely form on the distant jetty. I needed to say stuff and it needed to not be a jumble. This needed to make sense, even if I was only saying it to myself.

‘Yeah. I’m mad at you. Because the more I think about it, the more I think Bonnie might be right. I know that goes against the essential laws of nature, but it’s true. She’s adamant you love me too and that you’re being self-sacrificing, because heaven forbid you should have something you want rather than doing what you think is the right thing.’

I gripped the rail and wished Callum could see me clearly so that he would be blasted by the full force of my glare. ‘But I have to tell you: sending me away isn’t the right thing to do. I know you only heard the first job offer, but the second one was genuinely better. There’s the whole not-having-to-leave-the-man-I-love thing, but I would basically do all the stuff the first job offered while also being in nature. I’d walk around most days and look at flowers, and if you don’t know by now that this is all I want to do with my time—besides humping or being humped by you—then you really don’t know me at all.’

I took a deep breath. ‘The bottom line is: I don’t want to leave Doughnut. I want to take the job here. Not because of you, but because it is a fucking amazing job. So if you’re pushing me away because you think I would only stay because I love you, then you need to pull your gorgeous head out of your equally gorgeous arse. I want the job, and I want to be with you. I want both. And I’m not afraid to say it.’

Callum was tiny now. No way he could hear any of this, but it felt good to say it anyway.

‘I wish you loved me like I love you.’ My voice cracked. ‘I guess I’ll never know now if you do. You’re the fourth on my list of romantic mistakes.’

That thought was painful. I bobbed away from the man I loved, and all I could do was say things at the wind to give myself any kind of closure.

‘I really fucking love you, Callum Armstrong,’ I shouted. I didn’t care whether Errol was ignoring me. He could deal with it. ‘I love everything about you. I love your smiles that make you so ridiculously hot and simultaneously ridiculously kind. I love how much you care about the island and your family, even when you can’t express it. I love your cooking, and I love watching TV with you, and I’ve loved being with you. As in sex. Nakedness. I love that too.’

Tears streamed down my face and my throat hurt, but I kept going. ‘I even love whatever you’re doing now, if Bonnie’s right. I love that you care so much that you would hurt yourself to do what you think is right for me. I’ve never met someone who thinks so little of themselves compared to others. I love that, for a while, you let me take care of you.’

I had to squint to make him out, but I was desperate to say everything I needed to before I blinked and he disappeared. ‘Do you remember what I said about changing your mind? It’s never too late, Cal. Not with this. I love you too much. It’s part of me now. There will never be a last minute, no moment too late. Call me when I get to the mainland, and I’ll jump back on this boat and come to you. Leave it a year, and I’ll ditch whatever I have going on and be with you as soon as I can.’

Tears made it hard to see anything now. I rubbed them away furiously, unsure if the dot on the jetty was Callum or a speck of dirt in my eye.

‘I love you, Callum. I will always love you.’ I blew out an unsteady breath. ‘There is never going to be a moment that’s too late for you to change your mind. Ever.’

My heartfelt declaration over, I fell to the floor of the boat when Errol spun the wheel.