Spare Me

Chapter 27

M addy had just hit “submit” on the fateful form for Georgetown when her phone rang. Again. She felt like she’d spent the entire day on the phone. Her parents (concerned, slightly hurt that they’d been kept in the dark, but cautiously happy for her), Evan’s parents (weepy, but kinder than she’d had any right to expect), a four-way call with her closest friends from college who mostly just wanted the dirt on what it was like to date a prince. She’d ignored any number of other calls and texts from “friends” who had already ridden her coattails the first time her life fell apart on national television, well-meaning acquaintances that she just didn’t have the bandwidth for, and countless unknown numbers that she was sure were journalists. After the late night the night before and the drama of the day that she’d capped off by making a huge decision about her future, she was completely emotionally and physically exhausted.

She almost didn’t even turn her phone on the couch cushion next to her to see who she was ignoring, but after a second, she gave in. It was Alex. “Hi,” she said, answering the phone and resting her head on the back of the sofa .

“Hello, darling” came the familiar warmth of his voice. He sounded about as exhausted as she felt. There was a brief pause. “Are you okay?”

“I’m…” She really wasn’t sure how to answer that question. “I don’t know? I’m exhausted.”

He chuckled softly. “Same.” Another pause. “I wish you were here with me.”

Suddenly there was a lump in her throat again. She swallowed against it, not wanting him to know how overwrought she was. “Me too,” she managed to get out. “How did it go with your parents?”

“Fine, really. Mum was overjoyed. Can’t wait to have you over for tea. And Dad just wants me, us really, to be happy. He wants to be sure we know what we’re doing.”

Maddy sighed. “Yeah.” She felt bad that she wasn’t holding up her end of the conversation very well, but she was so worn out that it was hard to even formulate sentences.

“How did it go for you? Did you talk to your family? The Stewarts?”

“Yes. My parents are worried about me and I think a little hurt that I didn’t tell them before the news showed up at their house, but they want me to be happy. Mrs. Stewart was… not thrilled to be caught off guard by a PR moment that she could have spun to work better for them if she’d had control over it.” She’d had a difficult conversation with Delia Stewart that afternoon. She’d definitely be doing nothing but desk work for the foreseeable future. “But I still have a job. For now.”

“Good.” He paused again. “Did… did you talk to Evan’s family?”

She welled up remembering the hardest conversation of the day. “I did,” she said, trying not to let him hear her emotion over the phone. “They…” She sniffled and then forced herself to go on. “They were lovely. They told me Evan would have wanted me to be happy and to find love ag ain. They were shocked, but very kind about it.” A tear trickled down her cheek, and she knew Alex could hear it in her voice.

“Oh, Mads.” He sounded anguished. “I hate that you had to do all that alone. Do you want me to come over?”

“I’m okay,” she said, wiping her eyes and trying to pull herself together. “I’m honestly so tired that I’ll probably pass out pretty soon.”

“Okay,” he said quietly. There was another beat of silence. Their calls weren’t normally this fragmented. Maddy bit back the urge to tell him about the decision she’d made, but she couldn’t make herself do it. Couldn’t add more to the awful, long day. And she knew she owed it to him to at least tell him in person.

“Maddy, I’m worried about you.” Alex’s voice was laced with concern. “I don’t like you being alone through all this. This has to be bringing up so much for you.”

“I mean, yeah, it is,” she said, swallowing another lump in her throat. “And I appreciate your concern. But really right now mostly what I am is just exhausted.” And feeling guilty. Again. “Please know that of course I want you here, but if you were here, you’d just be drawing more attention to this, and all you’d be doing is watching me sleep.”

“I love watching you sleep,” he said affectionately. “And I love you,” he added more strongly. “I need you to know that nothing about all of this changes how I feel about you.”

“Me too,” she said, her voice watery with yet more unshed tears. “I love you too.” At least that statement was 100% true, even if she was leaving out some significant information.

“Go get some sleep,” he said gently. “We’ll need to talk more about how we’re going to handle this going forward, but that can wait until tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she said, her lip starting to tremble, thinking about how the decision she’d made would probably make their future planning a lot easier. And a lot shorter. “Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight, Mads,” he said.

She really did wish he was there to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. Even though she knew in her heart that the email she’d sent just before he called was likely to be the beginning of the end of their relationship.

As much as Alex had truly intended that he and Maddy would see each other the next day, it didn’t happen. Nor the day after. It had been decided that, given the current significant uptick in interest in Alex he needed to travel with security, but that meant making sure security was available. And then security didn’t want to let him go to Winfield House because they hadn’t had a chance to do a sweep before he went, despite his increasingly frustrated assurances that the residence of the American ambassador to England clearly had ample security measures in place.

Similarly, he’d tried to arrange for Maddy to come to him, but the throngs of paparazzi at the gates to both Kensington and Winfield meant that it would be a visible departure that he hated to put her through, and thanks to the influx of family and outings surrounding the wedding, there weren’t enough cars to send one for her. They’d texted and talked on the phone a bit more, but Alex wouldn’t feel settled—he hesitated to use the word “better,” since the entire thing was a clusterfuck and he was constantly worried Maddy was going to call him up and tell him it wasn’t worth the scrutiny—until he’d seen her again. Seen for himself that she was physically safe and not a full-on emotional trainwreck. He knew she wasn’t okay. But he’d settle for a slight derailment.

Finally on Thursday they were able to arrange for him to bring carryout to her at Winfield and have dinner. It felt a little odd to be going to dinner there for the first time since their relationship had become public. As the car carrying him and his new constant companion Cross—unclear whether that was his first name or last name—pulled up to the entrance, he ducked his head to avoid the worst of the paparazzi flashes and Graham navigated the crowds and pulled in. When they arrived at the side door that he’d always gone into, he leaned forward, “So I’ll just text you when I’m ready to come home, then?”

“Actually, Your Royal Highness, we’ll be staying here,” Cross said in his monotone voice. Truly he was like a security guard out of the movies.

“Ookay… I mean, I’m sure you can come in, if you like. The kitchen’s just through there?” Alex said awkwardly.

“Thank you, Your Royal Highness, but I’ll be here surveying the premises, and Mr. McIntosh will stay with the vehicle in case we need to make a rapid exit.” Alex raised his eyebrows at Graham in the rearview mirror. Graham just shrugged. Alex sighed.

“Okay, then. Well, I’ll see you in a few hours then.”

He stepped out of the car before Cross could try to open the door for him and strode to the door, pointedly ignoring the photographers calling his name from the other side of the fence at the end of the drive. As he walked into the warmth of the Winfield House kitchen, a few kitchen staff looked up in surprise, but before he could say anything, Mrs. Stewart came bustling in. “Your Royal Highness, what a pleasant surprise!” she chirped, a large smile on her face. “We were so delighted to hear that you and our Madeleine had become closer friends!” He plastered on a smile of his own and started attempting to conjure some kind of appropriate response when Maddy emerged from the door that led down to her rooms.

Immediately, she could have been the only one in the room, for all that Alex registered anyone else’s presence. He walked around Mrs. Stewart, straight to Maddy and put the arm that wasn’t holding a bag of Indian food around her, drawing her head to his shoulder. She was pale and had dark circles under her eyes, and Alex hated knowing that he was the reason she was so exhausted and upset. With a polite and he hoped not-too-dismissive comment to Mrs. Stewart over his shoulder, he ushered Maddy back down to her rooms so they could finally talk.

Maddy’s brown hair was in a slightly limp ponytail, and she had on leggings and a gray long-sleeved Vassar T-shirt. For once, though, he didn’t register the way her ass looked in the leggings. He needed to be holding her, assessing for himself that he hadn’t completely ruined her life, trying to convince her not to give up on him. On them .

Reaching the bottom of the steps, Alex set the bag of carryout on the coffee table, slipped out of his coat, and immediately pulled Maddy down next to him on the couch, cuddling her close, as if they could snuggle their way out of the situation they were in. She allowed herself to be held, resting her head on his chest and wrapping her arms around him. He relaxed infinitesimally. At least she wasn’t pushing him away.

Dropping a kiss to her head, he said, “I want to ask if you’re okay, but I know you’re not… so how not okay are you?”

She huffed out a shadow of a laugh. “I’m surviving,” she said. “I think I’ve managed to block the numbers for most of the major news outlets again, so my phone is ringing slightly less off the hook.” She shifted to look up at him. “What about you? Your parents really weren’t upset?”

He smiled down at her, even as concern washed over him at how tired she looked. “No, not at all. I think Mum’s mostly just jealous that Ben and Hannah got to meet you before she did. And Dad’s fine. He wants me to be happy. He wants the press to leave us alone.”

“You and me both, Your Majesty,” she said wryly.

“He was angry,” Alex said, remembering the second conversation they’d had after the news had broken. “When he realized the degree to which they’d been following you and for how long, his lawyers had to talk him off a ledge.”

“That’s kind,” Maddy said. “But we knew this was going to happen sooner or later.” She sighed.

Alex found himself unsure of how to proceed. He was used to the Maddy who not only took care of everyone around her, took charge of most situations, and actively resisted being cared for unless he got pushy. He didn’t know what to do with this Maddy. She was quiet, resigned… she seemed empty . And he hated both that he’d had a key role in making her that way and also that he didn’t know how to fix it.

“Let’s get some food in you,” he said, leaning forward to start opening to-go containers of curry and unwrapping the foil from around several pieces of naan, dripping with garlic and butter.

“Yeah, good idea,” Maddy said halfheartedly, walking to the kitchen and coming back with plates, utensils, and napkins. They dished out their plates in silence, and then Alex watched her pick at her food aimlessly for several minutes. Finally he couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Maddy,” he began, “I… I know this is hard, but I’m feeling like I don’t know how to help, don’t know how to fix this… I just?—”

“I’m going to graduate school!” Maddy blurted out, interrupting him.

“You’re… you’re what?”

“I’m going to graduate school. It’s something I’d been interested in pretty much since college, but with moving around so much with the military it just never seemed practical. So when I got here this fall I started thinking about it again and sent in an application, just to see what happened. I was applying when you first asked me out and it just never came up, so I never mentioned it and I honestly didn’t know if I had a chance of getting in, but they emailed me a few weeks ago and I got in.” She finally paused for a breath. “And I accepted the offer.”

“Maddy! That’s brilliant! I’m so proud of you!” Alex's heart soared with pride—pride that other people recognized how smart she was, pride that she was taking control of her life and doing something for herself for once. “Where are you going?”

“Georgetown.”

His heart plummeted. He probably should have assumed that she’d be going back to the States, but for a moment he’d let himself imagine a scenario in which she enrolled at University College London or some other local school and they could live together. Him bringing her tea while she studied, sneaking into the back of tutorial sections and watching her work with undergraduates, then taking her home and acting out filthy fantasies about professors and students.

He saw her studying his reaction and forced himself to keep the smile on his face, even though he wanted to burst into tears. To beg her not to leave him. “That’s such a good school. I’m so proud of you.”

“You are?” she asked, sounding surprised.

“Of course I am! You’re going after something you’ve wanted for years and doing it at one of the best schools in the country—that’s huge.” He meant it too. Even though it was breaking his heart.

He leaned across the coffee table to kiss her. “You’re going to be brilliant at this,” he said, looking into her eyes.

“Thanks,” she said, her eyes getting a bit misty. “I’m really going to miss London. And you.” Her voice broke, but she swallowed and kept going. “But the timing felt right.” She took a deep breath. “I mean, I guess I’m not flying under the radar here anymore.”

Alex smiled ruefully. “I guess not.”

Out loud, Alex tried to ask the right questions, show interest in what she’d be doing and how she’d chosen her program, but inside, his brain was spinning. Saturday night she’d told him she loved him with so much conviction that he’d let himself believe that they would soon be taking their relationship to the next level, despite both of their repeated insistence that it was casual. Even as the media had gone feral over the news of their relationship and he worried about Maddy and how she was handling the unwelcome attention, he’d always told himself that the interest would die down eventually and they’d be able to forge on, finding a new path where they were still in the public eye from time to time as necessary, but mostly were able to figure out what the future of their relationship looked like in relative privacy. But now that Maddy would be moving to DC, all bets were off.

He wanted to think that their relationship, new as it was, was strong enough to survive long distance. He could visit her; she could fly over to see him on school breaks. But was that what Maddy would want? If he knew one thing about Maddy Cartwright, it was that she had basically never made a decision with her own best interests front and center before in her life. She had always been the dutiful daughter and then the dutiful wife, showing up for the people in her life who stood out front while she stood behind, quietly and cheerfully doing what was expected of her. But now she was finally doing something that she wanted to do, and that would be good for her. Alex was afraid to ask her to do anything that could risk her first big step towards doing something for herself.

“Alex… I think we need to end this.” Her sudden declaration jolted him out of his thoughts .

“You…” he started to respond, but she barreled on.

“I love you. Honestly, I wish I didn’t because this would be a lot easier that way. But I just don’t see how this works. For one thing, we’re a media circus. And for another thing, in three months I’m going to be five thousand miles away and you’re going to be here. I’ve already done a long-distance relationship across an ocean for what felt like an unending amount of time, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I couldn’t ask you to do that. I just couldn’t. And no amount of love changes the fact that your life is here and my life is there. This was supposed to be a fling. We were never supposed to be more than casual. Love was never supposed to enter this equation. Your future is dragging this monarchy into the twenty-first century. The work you and Eric are doing is important. But I don’t fit into that plan, and I won’t be the one keeping you from doing it. I think we both know I can’t handle even a fraction of the media scrutiny you get. I’d just be holding you back. So we can drag this out through the summer, knowing that it’s inevitably going to end with both of us having broken hearts, or we can do the smart thing and just end it now. Go back to just being friends.” She somehow seemed to have said all of that in one breath, but when she finally paused for air she was still avoiding looking at him.

He started to respond, but his phone started buzzing. Turning it over on the couch cushion next to him, he glanced down and, seeing that it was his father, dismissed the call. He’d ring him later.

Refocusing on Maddy, he forced himself to pause. Every instinct in his body was telling him to fight for her. To beg her not to leave, to use all of the resources at his disposal to devise a way that they could still be together. That they could both have what they wanted and keep each other. But then he remembered how not ten minutes earlier he’d been so proud of her for making such a big decision on her own. For putting herself first for the first time, possibly ever. How important her independence was to her and the ways she’d pushed back against his attempts to manage her life. So he swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. “I understand,” he said simply. He was formulating his next thought, still trying to decide how he could fix this, could grasp at the grains of sand that were slipping through his fingers right in front of him when there was an abrupt knock at the door to the Winfield kitchen, and immediately after, it opened. Graham stood at the top of the stairs, and even from a distance, Alex could see that his face was ashen.

“Sir, the Palace just called.” Alex immediately knew something was very wrong. “It’s the queen. She’s had a heart attack.”