Spare Me

Chapter 29

T he weekend dragged like rubber cement on a cold day. After Alex had rushed out on Thursday night, Maddy had gone through the motions of wrapping up the remnants of their Indian food and putting it away before collapsing on the sofa in tears. There was no world in which she could ask Alex to come with her to DC, and no world in which she could handle walking six feet behind him for the rest of her life. She knew she’d done the right thing. But she hated that doing the right thing involved breaking her own heart.

She also deeply regretted the unfortunate timing of her declaration. She had been distracted by her own jumble of thoughts and emotions, by the guilt that was eating her alive from the inside, so she hadn’t really registered the nuances of Alex’s response to her announcement. She had no idea if he’d been relieved or about to make some kind of counteroffer or, less likely, argue with her. When Graham had suddenly appeared at the top of her stairs, Alex had immediately stood and, after giving her a fierce but distracted hug, followed his driver out of her room to go to the hospital. There had been no closure, no final declarations of love, no discussion of trying to be friends or what to say to the press. No goodbyes. She was pretty sure she had broken up with him, and couldn’t imagine a world in which he’d fight for the opportunity to be in a long-distance relationship with her an ocean away. And at this point maybe she’d never know what his thoughts had been at that moment.

The next morning, the king had released a statement about his wife’s health, and she’d watched the coverage, hoping futilely to catch a glimpse of Alex coming or going on the cameras that were stationed outside the London Clinic. Even though she knew it was almost impossible that they’d be entering and leaving through a public entrance. She’d been resisting the urge to text him all weekend. They’d broken up. She didn’t get to expect updates that the public wasn’t getting. She didn’t get to check on him to see if he was taking care of himself. But she still worried. And wondered.

She’d made it halfway through Sunday before she’d finally caved and gone up to her office to go through emails. She couldn’t bear just sitting and watching the commentators on TV talk endlessly without saying anything. If she didn’t get to be useful to Alex, she could at least be useful to the embassy. And so she worked, all afternoon and into the evening on Sunday, going down to her rooms to sleep for a few hours, and then back at it Monday morning, hoping that if she busied her mind with work she could avoid thinking about Alex. Worrying about him.

She tried to force her brain back to the mundane office tasks that were the new normal at her job. But the further from Thursday night she got, the more she started to wonder if she’d made a mistake. She desperately wanted to think that she could have worked up the courage to try to convince him to come with her. But the more information that dripped out into the media about Queen Sarah’s condition, the more she understood that it could never happen and that it would be unfair of her to ask. They said she’d be in the hospital for a week. That she’d be recovering at home for at least eight weeks. Triple bypass was major surgery, Maddy knew. There was no way the queen would be back to her normal pace of activities before the fall, and from what she knew of Alex’s father, he wouldn’t be going too far from her side until she was fully recovered. Which meant that the next generation would be stepping up. Ben and Hannah were ready. They’d known this moment would be coming for them. And Maddy knew that this was finally Alex’s chance. His opportunity to prove to his family that he could do the job. That they’d been overlooking an amazing asset right in their laps for years. Even if she thought he would want to, she could never ask him to give up this chance. The goal that he’d been working toward for so long.

Thursday afternoon after lunch a text from an unfamiliar number popped up on her phone.

Unknown number

Hey, it’s Hannah.

Hannah Cromwell.

Hannah, how are you? How’s everything going?

Hannah

Doing okay. Slow but steady improvement. We’re all tired.

I’m sure. I can’t imagine what you all are going through right now. Do you need anything?

Hannah

No, but Alex does. Are you free this afternoon? He’s barely left the hospital since the weekend. He needs to get out and get some fresh air and think about anything besides his mum.

Maddy’s heart stopped. Alex clearly hadn’t told anyone that they’d broken up. She was momentarily unsure of how to answer. Did she tell Hannah? Did she say she was busy? After waffling for a few seconds, though, she knew what she had to do. The way she felt about Alex hadn’t changed. If he needed her, there was no way she wasn’t going to him.

Yes, of course. What’s the best way to get there?

Hannah

Graham will pick you up in an hour and then take you over to get Alex. We’ll make sure he actually leaves.

Ok, sounds good. Can I bring you anything? Or anyone else?

Hannah

Thanks, love, but we’re all set here. We’ll just be glad to see Alex getting out. He’s starting to drive the rest of us a little bit mental, tbqh. Just text me when you’re on your way and we’ll have him ready for you.

When Graham arrived, she was ready. She’d changed from her work clothes to jeans and a short-sleeved pink T-shirt with some macrame detailing across the shoulders and carried a small backpack containing a selection of the pastries Nadia had on hand, a thermos of coffee, and two bottles of water.

“Hello, Miss Maddy,” Graham said, opening the back door for her.

“Graham, how are you?” she asked.

“Hanging in there, hanging in there,” he said with a slightly melancholy smile.

They headed out the gates onto the ring road. Being outside of Winfield House still felt slightly odd to Maddy. For the first week after she and Alex had been exposed she hadn’t left the grounds for any reason. Once the queen’s health scare had pulled basically all of the media attention in the country, Maddy had started tentatively venturing out, still not doing public appearances for the embassy, but willing to chance going out to pick up Mrs. Stewart’s dry cleaning or to grab a quick coffee from the cafe down the street. She hadn’t braved her run around the park yet, but driving through the streets of London made her realize how small her life had been for the last two weeks. It was like when she’d first arrived the year previously, barely leaving the embassy, preferring to stay close to Winfield House to prevent being seen.

She hadn’t realized how much her relationship with Alex had drawn her out of her cloistered bubble until she was suddenly confronted with the contrast and realized that she’d missed being out and about. The vibrant floral boxes attached to so many of the brick windowsills were starting to bloom, and there were still some buntings up from the royal wedding, which, amazingly, had been less than two weeks before. The grounds at Winfield were beautiful, but it was striking being out and about.

Maddy texted Hannah to let her know that they were on the way and got a response saying that Graham should go to the usual spot and they’d meet them there. Maddy relayed the message without fully understanding it, but Graham had just answered with a cheery “Very good, Miss Maddy,” and continued driving.

“This route takes a bit longer, but it allows me to approach from the rear,” Graham said, as Maddy realized they were nearing the hospital. “So far, nobody’s been seen coming and going this way.”

“Okay,” Maddy said, anxiety creeping into her mind. But she pushed it down. Getting to Alex, getting him out and away from the hospital was the most important thing. She could conquer the slight gnawing in her stomach for Alex. If he needed her, she could endure the pain of seeing him and knowing she couldn’t have him.

Graham pulled up to a guard station and was admitted to what seemed to be an underground parking garage. She could see signs for staff parking in the dim, fluorescent light. They turned a corner, and Graham stopped in front of an elevator. Maddy saw Ben and Hannah involved in what looked like a heated conversation with Alex. He looked exhausted. He was wearing jeans and a gray zip-up hoodie. His hair was mussed, his face stubbly, his eyes bloodshot. The knots in her stomach doubled back on themselves as competing emotions flooded her nervous system. Exuberance at seeing him, utter worry at his rundown appearance, and the gut punch of devastation as she remembered that Alex was no longer hers.

She could see Ben gesturing at the car and Alex shaking his head. But when Graham came around and opened the back door, Alex’s body slumped in defeat and turned unenthusiastically to get in the car. “I’ll be back soon,” he said over his shoulder to his brother. It sounded more like a threat than anything else. He didn’t even notice Maddy as he slumped into the seat and buckled his seatbelt.

“Hi,” she said quietly.

His eyes shot open and he turned to look at her, disbelief on his face. “Maddy, what are you doing here?” he asked, sounding incredulous, exhausted, and, if Maddy was being honest with herself, not entirely happy to see her.

She forced herself not to dwell on the knowledge that he probably didn’t want to see her. That she probably shouldn’t be there. Hannah had made her mission perfectly clear: fresh air and space from the hospital. “I know you might not want to see me, but Hannah thought you could use a break,” she said. She paused, uncertain for a moment, before reaching over to cover his hand with hers.

He sighed. “I mean, sure, but my family needs me,” he said, blinking at the sudden change of light as they left the underground garage.

“They do,” she said gently. “But they need you to be a functioning human being so that you can be of service to them. And never leaving the hospital does not a functional human make.”

His chin hit his chest in defeat, and he scrubbed his face with the hand that wasn’t nestled under hers. He hadn’t moved the hand she was touching, she noted. That had to mean something. They rode in silence for a few moments. “I want to ask how you are, but I know you must feel terrible and exhausted and worried.”

He finally looked at her again and his eyes were red and watery and empty. “Oh, Maddy,” he said, his voice breaking and his face crumpling.

Going against every rule-abiding instinct in her body, ignoring the dull voice in her head reminding her that they’d broken up, she unbuckled her seatbelt and shifted closer so she could wrap her arms around him. Burying one hand in his hair and anchoring one on his back, she tried her best to provide a soft landing spot for the emotions he’d been holding in all week. His shoulders shook and she felt his tears trickling onto her neck, and she just held him tighter, hoping that just her physical presence could convey the words that were stuck behind the lump in her own throat. She forced herself to focus on the fact that Alex needed her comfort, not the fact that this might be the last time she ever got to hold him.

After a few long moments, he pulled away, wiping his eyes and taking a deep, shuddering inhale. He opened his mouth and Maddy cut him off. “If you try to apologize right now I will open that door and dropkick you into the middle of the M4, so help me god.”

Alex managed a watery laugh. “I believe you’d do it too.”

The city was getting less dense around them as they passed a sign for Kew. “We’re still about thirty minutes away. Why don’t you close your eyes for a little bit.” She saw him instinctually go to reject her suggestion, but when she leveled him with a look, he sighed again and nodded. She rebuckled herself into the middle seat and, within a few moments, he was fast asleep, his head nodding gently onto her shoulder. She leaned her own head back and relaxed, hoping that her calm facade would be convincing and contagious. At least enough to allow him to get some real rest.

Alex woke just as they pulled through the gates into the private area of Windsor where he had taken Maddy to walk the previous winter, the day he’d kissed her for the first time. She’d remembered him saying that it was good for his mind to go there and walk, so when Graham had picked her up, she’d set that as their destination. They arrived just after three and she asked Graham to be back at five, in time for them to get back to the city to pick up Thai takeout for dinner. She was hoping to convince Alex to sleep at his own apartment that night, but if not, she’d at least be sure he got a square meal of non-hospital food before he went back.

When he realized where they were, Alex turned to her, surprise written across his face. “Windsor?”

“I thought a walk and a picnic might be good for you,” she said with a shrug. Part of her was regretting coming back to a place where they’d been so happy, where their relationship had first blossomed. But it was too late now. She needed to just focus on Alex and what he needed in this moment, not on her own feelings, her own heartbreak, the past.

Graham stopped, and they climbed out of the car after confirming that he’d come back for them in two hours. They walked in silence that Maddy hoped was companionable. She desperately wanted to address the elephant in the room, but kept convincing herself that it wasn’t the right time. She really wasn’t sure what to say to him, but he didn’t seem to mind the lack of conversation, so she just followed his lead, literally and figuratively, as they rambled through the private pathways of his family’s estate.

After a while, Alex finally said, “I’m sorry that I had to rush out like that on Thursday night. That’s not how that conversation should have ended.”

“Oh, Alex. Why would you apologize for that?”

“No, I mean, obviously I had to go, but I’m just sorry we didn’t get to talk about it. And honestly, I’m really not in the right headspace for it right now.”

“Of course not,” she said, squeezing his hand gently. “Don’t think about that for now. You’ve got much more important things to worry about.”

Alex stopped and turned to look down at her. “My mom’s health is important, yes, but hear me when I say that you are important. We are important. And I am worrying about that because our relationship is important to me.” Maddy tried not to latch onto his use of present tense. “It’s impossible to know what the next few months are going to look like for me. They’re just now trying to sort out how they’re going to divide up all the things that are on my parents’ schedules for the next few months, but I’m probably going to have to step up and play a bigger role in the family.”

“Of course you are,” Maddy said, “and I’m thrilled for you. This is finally your chance to prove to them that you’re not a shy little boy anymore.”

They walked in silence for another moment before he said, “I hope this isn’t too awkward for you. I mean, I know you ended things on Saturday, but I haven’t really gotten around to telling anyone yet. I hope Hannah didn’t bully you too much to get you to come.”

She swallowed a lump in her throat. “Alex, I ended our relationship because our lives don’t fit together. I don’t belong here. But that doesn’t change the fact that I love you and have been worrying about you and want to be here for you.” She swallowed again, and changed the subject, knowing that if they kept talking about their breakup she’d cry, which wasn’t at all what he needed. “What do you need?” she asked as they strolled on.

“What do I need?”

“Yes, you, Alex, a human who has spent the last week ignoring his own personal needs in the service of his family. What. Do. You. Need?”

He sighed. “Honestly, I don’t even know.”

“And that’s okay. But I’m pretty sure I do know, so why don’t you let me take over for a bit and you just sit back?”

“I’m supposed to be the one taking care of you?—”

“You just spent days doing nothing but giving, giving, giving. Right now what I think you need is to do just a tiny bit of taking so that you don’t lose the ability to keep giving. Your family isn’t going to stop needing you anytime soon, but if you don’t take even a little time to recharge your own batteries, you’re not going to be able to be there when they need you.”

His sigh told her he knew she was right. Without waiting for him to actually say it, she stopped and took off her backpack. “Good. So for right now, we’re going to sit here and have a nice little picnic. I have coffee and some of Nadia’ s treats. And when we finish up here, we’re going to go back to your place and get some takeaway and then I’m going to put you in your own bed and you’re going to get a good night’s sleep before you go back to the hospital.” She could tell he wanted to resist, but as she leveled a look at him, she could also see him realizing, again, that she was right. And so he nodded and helped her lay out the picnic blanket.

Maddy guided the conversation as they snacked, not expecting too much from Alex, who was clearly barely conscious. When they were done, she’d packed it all back up and they’d walked back to Graham and the waiting car.

“Where to, Miss Maddy?” he asked, opening the door.

“We’re going to pick up Thai from Meekhun and then back to Alex’s. Unless you’d prefer something else for dinner?” She looked to Alex and, when he shrugged, she said, “Yup, Thai and then home. Thanks, Graham.”

They were quiet on the drive. Maddie put together a large order of assorted Thai food for them to pick up, enough that it would leave leftovers for Alex when he came home. When they got back to his place, she nudged him toward the shower and set up the Thai spread on the coffee table in his den.

When he came out, he collapsed on the sofa next to her and put his arms around her. “Thank you,” he breathed into her hair. “You’re right. I did need this.”

She knew she shouldn’t let him cuddle her like this, knew that the longer she let herself forget that Alex wasn’t her boyfriend anymore, the worse it would be for her later. But if this was what he needed, she couldn’t deny him, even if it was just going to compound the heartbreak when things went back to normal. “I’m glad I was right.” They sat that way, holding each other for a moment before Maddy said, “Okay, so if we don’t dig into this, my stomach might actually start eating itself and you might pass out right here on the couch, so we should probably eat.” Alex barked out a laugh, grabbed a plate, and started dishing out steaming curries, noodles, and rice.

Maddy had turned on the TV before he came in, so they both sat back with their plates and spaced out watching the escapades of a time traveling nurse and her kilted Scottish Highlander. Midway through the second episode, Maddy looked over and realized that Alex was fast asleep. She debated just tucking him in on the couch, but realized he’d get better sleep in a bed, so she coaxed him awake and led him to bed.

“Are you going to be okay?” she asked, smoothing the covers over him and loitering awkwardly next to his bed.

“I’ll be fine.” He sighed deeply before looking up at her. “But Maddy? If you’re really committed to ending this, I don’t think we can keep spending time together. It’s too hard for me to be around you and not have my hands all over you all the time. I kept forgetting all afternoon.”

She nodded sadly, closing her eyes to prevent him from seeing the tears pooling there. Part of her wanted to take it all back, to beg him to take her back. Part of her yearned for him to sit up and fight for her, for them . But she also knew that, even if there was any way their relationship made sense in the long term—which it didn’t—now wasn’t the time. She couldn’t ask him to focus on anything besides his mother and the family right now. So all she did was nod and swallow. “You’re right,” she whispered, through her unshed tears. Clearing her throat and trying to think of all the things she needed to say, somehow she landed on. “I know the family is focused on much more important things right now, but obviously if you want to put out a statement, I support whatever you want to say. Or we can just assume that people will forget about this quickly with everything else going on. Up to you.” Nodding, she bent down to brush a chaste kiss across his forehead. “Goodbye, Alex.”

She didn’t wait to see if he’d say anything else. She was barely holding it together and couldn’t let Alex see. So she turned and left. Mercifully, Graham was in the area, and so she was able to make it into the back seat of his SUV before the sobs that had been threatening to bubble out of her throat overtook her. Folding herself in half in the backseat so there was no chance of anyone seeing her, she allowed the tears she’d been holding back all afternoon to flow as Graham maneuvered them out of the Kensington Palace grounds and into the dark.