The Fall Of Snow: Guard Your Heart

30. Thirty

Thirty

Blinding Love

I let the cold consume me as I take my heavy cloak off, hanging it on a low branch of a birch. The worn red is an oddity surrounded by the colors of a winter forest. I welcome the chill that stings my skin as the wind blows straight through my clothes. Despite the warming weather, the cold wind from the ocean cuts deep. I'm back at the cliff I leaped from months earlier, running from yet another predator trying to end me. I sit on the edge, letting my boots dangle, watching a few rocks plummet into the crashing waves as I sit. Ice coats the rocks below, but the waves still crash into the cliff, proving stronger than the cold.

I look out at the horizon, the blue-gray ocean vast and infinite making me feel so, so small. Too small to take my life by the reins, too small to make any change in my fate. The thought makes me think of Violetta and an ache settles deep in my chest. When my father was still alive, our relationship was everything to me. I loved him fiercely and aspired to one day be just like him. But the truth is my father died too soon. Too soon for me to long for him in these moments.

In these moments, my mind drifts to the woman who raised me. The woman who saved me time and time again before she, too, was taken from me. I used to feel guilty for missing Violetta over my father in times of despair, but I've since realized that it doesn't in any way diminish my love for my father, but rather honors Violetta and all that she meant to me.

I try to think of what she would say if she were here. Try to imagine what she would do if she were in my shoes. She always knew what to do, knew what to say, and when to say it. How I long for her to be here with me now, as a mother figure that I never had with my own mother. Would Violetta tell me to forgive Huck? To be more understanding of his situation and his human flaws? Or would she warn me of his dark heart? Tell me that if he was willing to strike such a bargain with my mother that is a tell of who he really is when pressed a certain way?

A hawk soars over the swell of the ocean, scoping out its next meal and I wonder where I'll be come summer. Will I be on a ship in the middle of the sea? Will I be in an Arion Warrior camp? Will I even be breathing? Or will my mother have succeeded in her quest by then? A shiver shoots down my spine and I'm too drained to decide if it's from the cold or the thought of death looming over me at every turn of my life.

My mind drifts to Huck, the reason I've found myself here instead of inside the cabin with the others, and I grit my teeth at the tears that threaten to spill. I hate that just the thought of him can alter me so thoroughly. I hate that I let him in, let my guard down. And I hate more than anything, that despite his betrayal, my heart still aches for him. Why are humans so weak and frail? Why does the thought of him nearly bring me to my knees?

I think of the look on his face when he pulled the dealer off of me behind the tavern, the way his fury shook his entire frame as he found me trapped beneath the dealer. I think of the way he looked at me when our cabin was ambushed, the way he didn't want me to leave the safety of the closet. I think of his eagerness to push me further while training, to make me better. Stronger. I think of all of the ways his actions have contradicted the deal he struck with my mother. Why would he do those things if he was ultimately going to kill me in the end?

There is only one logical answer.

I know he spoke the truth when he said he changed his mind. That after meeting me he could no longer go through with it, even for Coy's sake. But despite my belief in his words, the fact still stands that he kept this from me. That, before he met me, he was willing to kill an innocent to help his friend. He let me bare my soul to him while keeping this from me. I shared something with him that I can never take back. Something that I will never return from. And I don't want to change that. I don't regret it, except for the fact that he held this secret hostage as he shared himself with me.

I can no longer feel my toes when I whip around at the sound of boots approaching. Terran strides towards me, a smile plastered on his face as always, my red cloak in tow. I don't think I've ever seen him express anything but optimism in the time I've known him. Even when Coy was injured, he never gave up hope that he would pull through. If only I could hone that skill, of never losing hope. Of always finding the brightness in the dark.

"I started to think you left us when I couldn't find you in your usual spots." He drapes my cloak over my shoulders and sits down beside me, dangling his feet off the edge.

"Well, you found me." I try to match his cheery tone, but it falls flat.

"Something tells me you didn't want to be found?"

I look out again at the sea, not sure how to answer.

"In truth, Huck sent me. When you didn't return within a few hours, he got worried." He laughs to himself. "Of course, he won't say that out loud. Just ordered me to find you and bring you back."

My stomach flips at his words. Of course, Huck would be too proud to admit his worry, even amongst friends. "You all really should have more faith in me. I did survive months on my own before I met you, ya know." A fact that everyone loves to forget.

"On the contrary, we know the dangers of the world a bit more intimately than you, being warriors and all." He chuckles, his dark skin crinkling around his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. You've fought in battles and seen the monsters that lurk in the shadows." I play along, smiling at him playfully despite my mood.

"You know, I may not know exactly what brought you all the way out here in the middle of winter, but if you don't mind, I'd like to tell you a story."

I nod at him, wondering what he could possibly want to share with me right now. When I saw him approach, I assumed he would just want to walk me back to camp. Now I get the feeling he has an ulterior motive.

"When I was young, my father left us. Just packed his things up one day and left. He didn't say where he was going, and he didn't say why. He just said he had to go." Terran pauses, removes his olive cap to rake his fingers over his tight black curls, and then continues again, his voice an octave lower than I've ever heard it before.

"My mother cried for weeks after he left. I was numb, just going through the motions of life without him. I learned how to take care of the house and how to take care of my mother in the weeks that followed his abandonment. The one thing he did right was leave us with enough money to get by. For a while at least .

"Three months after he left us, my mother became obsessed with visiting a seer in town who claimed she could predict the near and far futures.

"Slowly, my mother dried up the money my father had left us to visit the seer, always asking when he would return. I knew she would use every last coin just to hear that woman tell my mother that her husband would return. That's why I joined the Arion, to provide for her. But before I left for training, I had to do something about her visits. I couldn't watch her do this to herself any longer.” Terran pauses, resting his elbows on his bent knees.

“So before I left for training, I went to visit the seer myself. I brought the small bit of coin I had saved up from working as a stable boy and asked her to lie to my mother. I asked her to tell my mother that he had died in an accident and wouldn't ever be coming back. I needed to free my mother from this hold the seer had on her."

I have no doubt that the seer his mother was frequenting was a scammer. Most of them are, preying on the weak and the vulnerable for profit. But to know that Terran paid her off to lie about his father’s death? That's something I would have never thought Terran could do. Not because I think it was wrong, but because it must have pained him to know the news would break his mother's heart before eventually mending it in the end.

What he did wasn't right or wrong, but somewhere in between—a place where morals don't exist on just a linear scale.

The sun begins to drop from the sky just slightly. I can already see the moon emerging into view. I look at Terran, really look at him, seeing him in a different light, knowing that he has what it takes to make the hard decisions for the better.

"Why are you telling me this?" I prompt him, wondering why he felt like opening up to me now. He smiles and his eyes light up with a happiness that only Terran can portray.

"Because I feel like you need to be reminded that love can sometimes blind you." My eyebrows rise in question. He knew?

"Huck told us. I'm sorry, Snow."

I hear what he says between the words. Huck's unconditional love for Coy made him strike a deal he may not have done under different circumstances. How could I fault him for doing anything he could for his friend? Not to mention the protection of his unit.

These warriors are his family. If I had the responsibility of my friends' lives on my shoulders, wouldn't I do the same? Wouldn't I have done that for my father? Violetta? Lines become blurred when someone you love is on the line. When the possibility of getting back what you've lost is within reach. I get that.

“If you want a brighter future, you have to let go of the darkened past. I’m not saying it’s easy, but I am saying that it is worth it. It is worth feeling uncomfortable and scared if it means growth.” He nudges me with a shoulder. “That’s why I do this. That’s why I am here, so one day we will have grown so much, the darkness is far, far behind us. A distant memory.”

His words move me more than I expect them to, causing a lump in my throat. Despite my anger towards Huck for what he did—what he was willing to do to free Coy from this curse he's been trapped in for years, I do care for him deeper than I've ever known was possible and it scares me to death. It might be a while before I can fully forgive him for keeping this from me, but I do understand him. I do understand why he felt he needed to do it. And I'm not interested in running from my feelings for him anymore. It's exhausting.

Terran stands beside me and offers up his hand, palm facing the sky. I grab it, surprised to find it warm and soft, and hoist myself up from the ledge, dusting off my pants. We turn towards the woods and begin our walk back to the camp.