The Season of Falling

7. Chapter 7

Chapter seven

Kasey

My mind, as was often the case, was filled with thoughts of Dean. Ro and Hazel had come up with long lists of things I could do so that he would fall madly in love with me. From a road trip to visit Sarah and her kids to placing pictures and leaving my stuff around his house, each idea more ridiculous than the last. I rolled my eyes just thinking about their suggestions which only got more outrageous as the night wore on.

As I stood in front of the mirror and got ready for the day I contemplated what I was going to do. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t interested in seeing if Dean could actually fall in love with me. But I was scared. And I knew that it was pretty much a very bad idea. The classic “what could go wrong” statement bounced around in my head, and my overactive imagination supplied plenty of answers.

I could make him so angry that he never spoke to me again. I could disappoint him and hurt him. I could ruin our friendship forever.

But no matter how much I tried to let those outcomes sway my decision, there was a little tiny speck of hope that kept elbowing its way through the crowd of fear. The hope that I thought I’d seen a tiny glimpse of in his eyes at the hospital. The hope that said “but what if?”

What if he really was scared, like Ro said. What if, given the chance to sort of start over, he could fall in love with me? What if we could have a love like the books and movies? One that was sweet and swoony and lasted a lifetime?

Was I willing to throw that chance away without even trying?

I sighed and pointed at myself in the mirror. “You are a grown woman, and you don’t need Dean to fall in love with you to have a good and fulfilling life. And you have morals. You can do the right thing.” I nodded once before turning on my heel and marching out of the bathroom.

When I went to see Dean, I would tell him the truth.

After stopping by the store to pick up the new cell phone Sarah had ordered for him, I decided to cut my misery short and head to the hospital. Dean’s phone had been damaged beyond repair, and Sarah was tired of getting all her information from me or the doctors. I couldn’t blame her. Dean and I usually kept up a pretty constant stream of texts back and forth, and I had felt somewhat empty the last week missing that. Missing him.

I was trying to figure out the best way to tell Dean the truth without embarrassing myself when I stepped out of the elevator and into the hallway where his room was. The door was slightly ajar when I got there, and I poked my head in, not wanting to disturb him if someone else was already visiting.

The doctor was standing at the foot of the bed making notes on a clipboard. I couldn’t see past her, but there wasn’t any sound coming from the bed. I knocked lightly, and the doctor turned with a slight smile on her face. As she stepped toward me, I saw that Dean was asleep. I sighed but I wasn’t sure if it was in frustration or relief. At least I didn’t have to bare my soul quite yet.

I stepped back, and the doctor followed, pulling the door closed softly behind her. She was tall and thin with black hair that was smoothed into a neat bun. She put her hand out, and I shook it, conscious of how cold my fingers were.

“Hello, I’m Doctor Mathews. And you must be a friend of Dean’s?” She spoke formally, and I wondered how old she was. Not really something you’re supposed to wonder about or ask, so I kept that particular question to myself.

“Yes, I’m Kasey Whiting. How’s he doing?”

Her eyes widened a fraction, and her brows lifted in surprise. It didn’t seem to be an emotion that her face was used to. “You're the one who identified him the day of the crash.” She nodded as though I’d answered a question she hadn’t asked, and her features relaxed back into their normal resting state. “Dean is doing very well. We expect that he can return home on Monday.”

“That’s great news.” I exclaimed, making a nurse startle as he made his way briskly down the hallway. I quickly apologized before turning back to Doctor Mathews. “I’ve heard some updates from Dean’s sister, Sarah, but is there anything we can do to help him in his recovery?”

She gave a slight nod in approval. “He should avoid as much stress as possible for the next little while. Anything that could be potentially traumatic or dangerous needs to be avoided as well. Essentially, Dean needs to rest and recuperate. I have every confidence that he will return completely to himself with time, however the road to recovery when memory loss is involved can be long and arduous.”

“I understand. I’ll do what I can to help him out. Is he sleeping right now?”

The doctor nodded as I fished the new phone out of my bag.

“His sister wanted me to get this to him. Has he been asleep for a while? Maybe I can wait until he wakes up.”

She reached a hand out in my direction. “Ms. Whiting, Dean has had a taxing couple of days. I know you want to visit and assure yourself that he’s doing well, but it would be best if you refrained. As I said, he needs to rest and recuperate. I’m sure he’ll be very happy to see you when he gets home on Monday.

“And again, I must reiterate how important it is for him to avoid as much stress as possible in the coming days. I can’t emphasize that enough. I know you want to see him and get right back to life as it was, but don’t add to the burden on his mind.”

Her blunt words made me flinch slightly, but before she could leave me standing there alone in the hallway, I thrust the phone in her direction. “Will you make sure he gets this?”

Doctor Mathews smiled thinly, and I imagined that she didn’t particularly care to be relegated to the role of delivery woman. But she took the phone before turning to go.

“Thank you,” I called after her. She dipped her head in a quick nod before striding down the hallway and away from me. As much as I wanted to slip into Dean’s room, I knew I shouldn’t. I came to this hospital weekly with Grandpa, and I didn’t need to be on the staff’s bad side. I resolved to take Dean dinner on Monday and pulled out my phone to call Sarah on my drive back home.

Sunday passed in a blur of helping Kendra get ready for her first day of college. We went shopping for any last minute supplies she might need, and of course you can’t forget the new outfit. I stood next to her in the mall as she held a shirt up against her chest. My baby sister was growing up right before my eyes.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Kendra asked, locking eyes with me in the mirror and wrinkling her nose.

“Like what?” I quickly schooled my features into something that I hoped looked normal.

“Like I’m a lost puppy or something.”

I laughed. “I’m not looking at you like a lost puppy. Maybe a lost parrot? Or anteater?” She scoffed and I wrapped my arm around her middle, squeezing her tightly. “I just love you.”

She grunted and squirmed out of my hug. “I love you too, but do you have to cut off my breathing with your love?”

“I’m gonna miss you, that’s all. And I know,” I hurried to say, “you won’t be any further than before. But I’ve been to college, remember? I know how things change and how busy you'll be. This is the end of an era. And even though you drive me crazy and get me into predicaments I didn’t ask for, I’m proud of you.”

Kendra smiled softly and dropped the top she’d been holding into the cart before wrapping her arms around me in a real hug. “That means a lot, thank you. And while we’re here and you’re all soft and gooey, I just want to say that I am sorry for the position I put you in with Dean. I should have talked to you about it first instead of just acting and leaving you with the mess to clean up. But I really truly hope that it can work out for you too. You guys were basically made for each other and I can feel the happily-ever-after in the making.”

She squeezed me once more before she stepped back and moved to retrieve the shirt. “Now, let’s find me the perfect first day of college outfit!”

After laying in bed for far too long, I was almost late for work again. I tried to tell myself that it was because of the piles of work sure to be waiting on my desk, but that’s the thing about trying to convince yourself of something. You know that you’re lying through your teeth.

No matter what I did, my thoughts wouldn’t settle. I was anxious to see Dean. I had texted him the night before to let him know I’d be bringing dinner, and he’d responded with a few affirmative emojis and a “can’t wait to see you”. But this would be the first time we’d be alone. Not the first time ever, of course, but first since the accident. Since Kendra had announced to a room filled with my closest friends that we were dating. And I was still torn about what to do.

I’d been intent on telling him the truth. But then the doctor had gone on about avoiding anything stressful, traumatic, or trying. I hadn’t wanted to point out to her that that basically spelled out “real life”, but I had promised to help Dean in his recovery any way that I could. And I wasn’t sure if telling him that my sister had lied but that I’d let everyone believe it for several days without saying anything qualified as letting him rest and recuperate.

He would already have so much to deal with. Did I really mean to add to that stress? And, in the spirit of seeing straight through my attempts to lie to myself, I also really did want the chance to see if Dean and I could be anything more than just friends. But I was scared.

I sighed in frustration as I arrived at my desk and yanked my chair out. I resolved to put the whole thing out of my mind and decide what to do when I went over to Dean’s for dinner. I slumped in my seat, using my outstretched legs to swivel myself back and forth for a few minutes while I tried to convince my brain to think about something else.

And then, like a scene straight from a movie, Linda popped up right beside my desk and I shrieked, bolting upright and bumping my desk with my knee. I swear she came out of nowhere. One second I was moping, and the next there was my boss looking as lovely as ever.

“I am so sorry, Kasey. I didn’t mean to scare you.” She reached out and placed a finely manicured hand on my arm. Linda was in her mid-fifties with soft brown hair that was starting to show streaks of gray. While she was always very put together and looked great, I liked that she didn’t dye her hair and try to look younger than she was. Gray hairs were a sign of a life lived. A sign of having experiences and connections.

I pressed one hand to my chest, trying to still my now galloping heart and the other to my throbbing knee. “My goodness, where did you come from? I don’t usually scare that easily, but that was intense.”

“I wasn’t sneaking up on you.” She gestured to her black heels. “These shoes aren’t exactly sneakers.” Linda paused for effect, and I groaned appropriately at her pun. “I was just coming over to see how you’re doing. But if the way you were zoned out is any indication, things aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. What’s got you so distracted? And is your knee okay?”

I still rubbed my knee but stopped and straightened in my chair at her question. “Yes, my knee is fine. Luckily, I don’t bruise like my friend Hazel. She’s super clumsy and is always covered in bruises. Usually she can’t even remember where they came from.”

She crossed her arms and gave me a look that said she knew that I was stalling and to get on with it.

It was a strange relationship to have with your boss, but Linda was almost like an aunt to me. I knew she genuinely cared about me so when she asked about my life and how I was doing, I usually told her. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get into the whole Dating Debacle with her.

I settled for the abbreviated version.

“My best friend Dean,” I began.

“Yes, the one you’ve been in love with forever and who got hit on his bike,” she interrupted. “I know that part, what else has happened?”

I stared at her, my mouth hanging open. “What? I never said—”

“You didn’t need to. You talk about him all the time. I don’t think you even notice how often you bring him up in conversation.”

I felt heat rise up my neck and into my cheeks. Was I really so obvious? How many people knew of my hopeless crush on my best friend? Well, okay. It was definitely more than just a crush. I’d passed the crush level after one semester of us knowing each other.

“Okay,” I held the word out, trying to decide what to tell her. Apparently a bit more than the abbreviated version. “Well, basically, he has some amnesia and can’t remember most of the last year or so. And my sister told everyone that we’re dating even though we are most certainly not.”

“Oh, like that movie with Sandra Bullock! What’s the name again?” She pondered, tapping her finger against her cheek.

“ While You Were Sleeping ?” I supplied.

Linda’s face lit up. “Yes, that one. Such a good movie.”

I closed my eyes and massaged my temples with my fingertips. “It's Kendra's favorite. So she told everyone that we’re dating, and now I don’t know what to do.”

“Take the obvious chance your sister gave you, of course,” she said matter-of-factly.

My eyes popped open. “What? Aren’t you supposed to be the sensible and wiser mentor who gives me good advice and helps me stay away from making a big mistake?”

“If you’re calling me old, I resent that. However, I am giving you good advice. You’ve been gone on this boy for as long as I’ve known you. And now you’ve been given the perfect opportunity to make something happen.”

I started to interrupt, to give her the same arguments I’d been using on myself and everyone else the past few days. I only got part of the way through my list when she held up a hand to stop me.

“I know what you’re saying. All the excuses and reasons. Yes, one could argue that it’s lying. But who doesn’t tell a little white lie from time to time? And then there are all the ‘what if’s’. What if it ruins your friendship? What if nothing changes? Or what if everything gets worse? But Kasey, what if you don’t? Can you live with knowing you didn’t try?”

Her words stuck with me the whole rest of the day, echoing my own thoughts from earlier. And I couldn’t shake them no matter how many piles of paperwork I buried myself under. That was the thing about life changing words. They wouldn’t leave you alone until your life was changed. And as I made my way to BKK to pick up dinner, I couldn’t help but feel that maybe it was time for some of that life changing to begin.