The Season of Falling

24. Chapter 24

Chapter twenty-four

Kasey

I woke up thinking about my confession to Dean. I hadn’t intended to tell him that I’d been in love with him since almost the beginning of our friendship. It was the truth, but some truths you keep locked away until the perfect moment to bring them out. And I don’t think that was it. I should have told him the truth first. When he found out that we weren’t really dating, my little declaration of feelings would lose its meaning. And even more than that, he was going to be really hurt.

I sat up in bed and propped my elbows on my legs. My life had become a series of complications, most of them revolving around my best friend. But what is it that Shakespeare said? The path to true love didn’t run smooth or something? Kendra would know the quote. I sighed heavily. Hopefully this bumpy path was taking me to my true love.

I climbed out of bed and got ready for the day. It was Saturday, which meant that I needed to go grocery shopping, so after breakfast I headed to the store. I sent a quick text to Dean asking if I should pick anything up for the Sunday dinner we had planned. I frowned slightly and stopped before I slipped my phone into my pocket. We made those plans before I knew that Sarah was coming so maybe we’d need to reschedule. I shot off another text to let him know I was fine for a different day.

It wasn’t until I was standing in the checkout line with all my groceries that I realized I hadn’t heard back from him. Dean was a pretty early riser, even on the weekends, so there was no way he was still sleeping. I checked to make sure, but there was nothing. Maybe he was busy and distracted with Noah and Ivy and hadn’t seen my messages. I nodded absently and began to haphazardly place my groceries into bags. Dean could take care of himself and his family, and I didn’t want to seem clingy or over the top. But if I didn’t hear back from him by the time I got home, I’d call. Just to make sure everything was alright and to see if he needed help with anything.

As though I’d summoned him with my thoughts, I saw Dean sitting on my top step when I pulled into my parking space. He was hunched forward with his arms resting across his knees, and he did not look good. My concern only grew when he stayed like that instead of rising to help me bring my groceries inside. Not that I needed help or expected him to do things for me, but it was just something that he did. Except today.

“Hey,” I said with forced cheerfulness. “I texted you this morning but never heard back. Is everything alright?”

He looked up at me, and I inhaled sharply. He looked even worse from up close. He had shadows under his eyes, his hair was a mess, and he looked like he hadn’t slept all night.

“Dean, are you okay?” I asked, dropping any attempts at a happy greeting.

“We need to talk,” he said gruffly, then cleared his throat. “Can we go inside?”

I nodded and moved past him. I had to juggle the bags in my arms, but I got the door unlocked and carried my groceries to the kitchen. Dean took a seat on the couch, and my mind raced as I hurried to put everything away. Something was wrong.

My first thought was that he wanted to continue the conversation from yesterday when I’d confessed my feelings. But why would he lose sleep over that? Could it be that he had found out that I was lying to him? But the only way he could know that was if his memories had come back. And the likelihood that that was the next memory to come back seemed small. Especially because every other memory had been triggered by something similar. And when would he have been having a similar conversation to the one we’d had at the shave ice truck all those weeks ago?

Was something wrong with Sarah or the twins? But wouldn’t he be with them if that were the case? Maybe it had something to do with his job or possibly even the greenhouse project I was working on for the school. I shook my head to try and clear the swirling thoughts. No use guessing when Dean was sitting right there on the couch and could tell me.

I put the last can in the pantry and stuffed the grocery bags into the bigger bag under the sink before walking to the living room and sitting on a chair by the couch. I tried to get comfortable but I was nervous and fidgeting. When I finally settled, I looked over at Dean to find his tired eyes already on me. He looked worn out and sad.

“Okay, let’s talk.” I said. “What’s wrong? You look like you haven’t slept since I saw you last.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them and pinning me in place with his gaze. “I was talking with Sarah last night, and I got a few more memories back.” He held up a hand to keep me from saying anything to that declaration. “One of those memories was about a conversation that you and I had right before my accident.”

My heart plummeted straight through the floor, down the two flights of stairs, and maybe even through to the center of the earth. I swallowed hard before speaking. “The one at the Tiki Shack?” Dean nodded, and I felt my stomach go the way of my heart.

“Kasey, how could you lie to me like that?” The hurt in his voice was like a knife to the gut. “Why did you do it? Why did you make me—” His voice broke and he scrubbed a hand over his face. “Why, Kasey?”

I wanted so badly to cross to him, grab his hands in my own, and swear to him that my feelings for him had never been fake. But I knew that wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

I could feel a hot tear track down my cheek, and I swiped it away. “It started with Kendra,” I said shakily. He listened in stony silence as I explained Kendra’s plan and her reasoning. “At first I didn’t want to do it. I was going to tell you all the truth. But the thought that this might be my only chance to see if things could work between us? Well, that convinced me to give it a try.”

Dean started to shake his head, but I hurried to continue. “I know it was wrong. And I am so sorry. I’ve been struggling ever since trying to figure out how to tell you the truth. And I wanted to tell you before…” I trailed off, taking a deep breath and then pushing forward. “Before telling you about how long I’ve had feelings for you. None of this changes that, Dean.”

He stood abruptly and moved around the couch to pace behind it. “But how could you lie to me? All this time? How could you break my trust and endanger our friendship like that?”

“This doesn’t have to affect our friendship. We can go back to the way things were before, like none of this ever happened.”

Dean scoffed and continued his pacing. “Tell that to Sarah and Jason.”

“What?” I asked in confusion. “What does this have to do with them?”

“It has everything to do with them! They were best friends in high school, and for a few years they kept it that way. But then they started to date. No longer just best friends but high school sweethearts. A few years after graduating, they got married. And then you know what happened?” He plowed on without giving me a chance to answer. “He left her. That’s what happened. He broke her trust, and their relationship and friendship was ruined just like that.” He stopped and turned to face me, breathing hard, chest heaving like he’d run a marathon. “Is that what you want to happen to us, Kasey?”

My eyes were wide and filled with tears. I’d known parts of Sarah’s story, but I didn’t realize how much it had affected Dean or his fears about our friendship. He was terrified of what this meant for us, and I was terrified of making things worse. I stood and carefully walked toward him.

“We aren’t Sarah and Jason. I am so sorry that I lied to you, Dean. But I do value our friendship, and I know that we can work through this.” I reached out a tentative hand, laying it gently on his arm. For a moment the tension in his body seemed to drain away, but then he went rigid and took a step away from me.

“I can’t.” He cleared his throat. “I can’t do this right now. I need space and time and I just…I need to go.” He turned quickly and walked to the door. “Goodbye, Kasey.”

Dean shut the door with a thud that echoed with finality in my heart. I walked as if in a daze to the front window and watched as he got in his car and pulled away. How had we gotten here? How did the worst case scenario from the list end up happening?

I knew how. I yanked my phone out of my pocket and called Kendra, taking up Dean’s pacing as it rang.

“How could you?” I practically yelled when she answered. “This is all your fault and I don’t know if it can be fixed.”

“Whoa, what is going on?” Kendra asked.

“Dean got his memory back before I could tell him the truth. That’s what’s going on. And now he’s mad and hurt, and he just left before we could resolve anything.” I choked on a sob. “I don’t know what’s going to happen now, and it’s all your fault.” I was losing control and more and more tears were sliding down my face. I sank down onto the couch and pulled my feet up under me.

“Oh my gosh, Kasey. I am so sorry. I didn’t know it would happen like this, but I’m sure it’ll all work out. You guys are best friends. There’s no way he can stay mad at you for—”

“Just stop.” I sniffed and tried to wipe some of the wetness from my cheeks.

“I really am sorry!” she exclaimed. “Just think about it though, this is your third act breakup. It always happens like this in the books and movies. But it’ll work out, I just know it.”

“This isn’t a movie, Kendra.” I snapped. “This is real life. My real life.”

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. I could tell that she meant it, but right then, I didn’t care. I was angry and hurt, and I hung up the phone without another word.

I grabbed the throw pillow propped up next to me and hugged it to me. Sobs wracked my chest and tears blurred my vision. Dean had been a constant in my life for more than four years, and without the assurance of his friendship, I felt empty and lost. Like a vital piece of me was missing. I cried until I couldn’t breathe, and my sleeves were too wet to soak up any more tears.

As I laid on the couch, my mind filled with regret. I'd known from the beginning that lying to Dean wasn’t right. Yes, I was so angry with Kendra for setting it all up and even putting the idea into my head, but it wasn’t her fault that I hadn’t told the truth right from the start. And had it really been worth it when I may very well lose my best friend? My chest ached with the weight of all the decisions I'd made that had brought me to this point.

Ro and Hazel needed to know what happened. I sent a quick text to the group, giving them the short version. When the call came through, I ignored it and tapped out another text. I was too drained to talk on the phone.

I should have known better though. Fifteen minutes later there was a knock on the door, and Ro let herself in. Her eyes shone with sympathy as she took me in, and she immediately set her bags down and ran to wrap me in a hug. It was awkward as she stood above my hunched position in the corner of the couch, but I appreciated her and the gesture all the same.

“Oh, honey,” she said softly in my ear. Her hug and kind words sent me over the edge, and I started to cry again. It always amazed me how many tears a single person could cry. Was there a limit? Did you ever run out?

Ro pulled me from my musings when she released me from the awkward hug and went back to the door to retrieve her bags. I calmed my breathing and willed the tears to slow.

“I brought Ben & Jerry’s and some corn chowder,” she said. “Which one do you want first?” I opted for the soup, and she went to the kitchen to heat it up while I ran up stairs to scrub my face and change into sweats and a hoodie.

When I got back I could smell the soup. “You’re the best.” I sighed, grabbing the steaming mug she handed me.

“I know. Now, do you want to talk about it or not?”

“Not right now. If I do, I'll break down again. Can we wait until our weekly call? That way I can just tell it once.”

Ro nodded and carried her own mug into the living room where we turned on the TV and channel surfed until I fell asleep with my head on her lap.