The Season of Falling

25. Chapter 25

Chapter twenty-five

Dean

I drove for hours. Or at least it seemed like hours. In reality, it was only about one, but the thoughts and feelings raging through my mind refused to settle. I was angry and upset, yes. But more than anything, I was hurt. I felt betrayed by my best friend. The one person I thought I could count on more than anyone else. But apparently I’d been wrong.

Sarah was sitting cross legged on the couch with her laptop when I walked through the door, and she put a finger to her lips when she looked up and saw me. Noah and Ivy must be sleeping. I nodded and quietly got a glass of water from the kitchen before slumping down beside her on the couch.

“I’m guessing it didn’t go so well?” she asked, her voice filled with sympathy.

I took a long swallow of water while I tried to collect my thoughts. “Everything’s not fixed, if that’s what you mean.” Sarah was quiet as she waited for me to continue. I sighed deeply and leaned back to rest my head on the couch. “I don’t know, Sarah. I don't even know what to think or say. I’m so…upset and hurt.”

She nodded slowly. “Why?”

I looked over at her, brow wrinkled. “What do you mean, why?”

“Why are you upset and hurt? What specifically is bothering you about it all?” My face must have shown my disbelief because she held up a hand. “Besides the obvious. She lied to you, and that’s a breach of trust. But what else? And why does it hurt you so badly? And don’t answer me until you’ve sat there for a few minutes and really thought about it.”

She turned back to her computer, intent on giving me time to think. I set my glass on the end table and took a deep breath before closing my eyes and letting my mind wander. Kasey had been my best friend for years. I trusted her more than anyone. The fact that she knew I didn’t want to try dating and yet she took advantage of me when I lost my memory was almost too much for me to comprehend. She had taken my trust, torn it into pieces, stomped on it, and then ground it under her foot for good measure. She had lied to me continually for weeks without showing any remorse until finally she got caught.

But why? Why did it hurt me so much? Why couldn’t I simply pretend it had never happened like Kasey suggested? It was because I knew what could happen to a friendship that morphed into a relationship. I had watched Sarah and Jason go from best friends all the way to husband and wife, only for it to end with them as virtual strangers in the end. I’d watched, unable to do much, while the situation crushed Sarah. And that terrified me. Faced with the reality, I realized the truth of it. I was scared of losing Kasey and losing our friendship. It had been a constant for me for years, and I didn’t know what I would do without it. And even if she didn’t know it, Kasey had used my own fear against me with this fake dating.

I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees, head in my hands. Sarah’s eyes flicked up at the movement and she shut her laptop, turning to face me fully. And then she waited.

“It’s because I saw what happened to you after Jason left. I watched you pull into yourself and away from the world. And that happened because your friendship turned into more. I never planned to date Kasey because I was never going to put our friendship at risk like that. I’ve seen firsthand how a relationship can wreck a friendship.” I sighed, slumping even further.

“You said you never planned to date her, not that you didn’t want to. Does that mean you’ve wanted to?”

I turned my head and stared at her. “Out of everything I said, that’s what you want to ask a follow up question on?”

She waved a hand dismissively. “I have other things to say, but we need to start there.”

“Of course I’ve wanted to.” I groaned. “Kasey is incredible. Basically, she’s the perfect person for me.”

“And, what?” Sarah asked with disbelief in her voice. “You just planned to ignore that and someday end up with someone else who wasn’t the perfect person for you? Or stay single forever?”

I straightened and glanced at my sister before leaning back against the couch and closing my eyes. Maybe this conversation would be easier with my eyes closed. “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead,” I admitted. I wasn’t looking at her but I could practically feel her rolling her eyes.

“Well, let’s just move on from that dumb idea for a minute.” She shifted closer to me and rested a hand on my arm. I opened an eye but quickly shut it at the look of pity and sympathy I saw on her face. “I didn’t realize that everything with Jason and I affected you so much. I’m so sorry, Dean.”

Sarah was quiet for a minute, but when I didn’t say anything, she continued. “Jason and I…we never should have gotten together.” My eyes flew open, but she went on before I could say anything. “We were young and caught up in what we thought was true love. We loved each other, of course. But we were always better friends than we were a couple.

“We weren’t really mature enough to make a decision as big as marriage, let alone children. And looking back now, I can see there were red flags all along. He never worked hard at anything, and that certainly carried over into our relationship. We’d been talking about a divorce even before I found out I was pregnant. But after that, we decided to stay together, to keep trying to make it work for the twins.” She sighed heavily.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I asked, shocked. I thought that Jason had simply left one day with no more than a goodbye. But now she was telling me that divorce had been part of the conversation for more than a year before he left. My mind spun, trying to fit the new information into what I had thought about the situation for so long.

“I felt ashamed that I couldn’t make my marriage work, that I was letting you and Jason and Noah and Ivy and everyone down. I know you saw how hard the days were after.” She sniffed. “But it had been better for a while before the twins were born. Jason wasn’t ready to be a dad, and we weren’t meant to be together romantically.”

“You could have told me, Sarah.”

She nodded. “I know, and I should have. Especially since it seems to have caused you some trouble.”

“I don’t know. I am kind of risk averse. I probably wouldn't have wanted to risk our friendship anyway.”

“Life is full of risks, Dean.”

I groaned, interrupting her. “You sound like a bad fortune cookie.”

“I’m serious, though. You can’t live your whole life without risk. Without risk there’s no reward. And yes, I know that sounds even more like a fortune cookie.” We laughed a little before she sobered and pinned me with a look. “I don’t regret Jason. If we never got together, I wouldn't have Noah and Ivy, and I love them more than anything. It was worth it, and I’d go through it all again and again if it meant having my babies with me at the end of it.

“But, Dean, you and Kasey aren’t like me and Jason. You’re older and more mature than we were, and you both have a better idea of what you want from life. You two are good together. Don’t let my past or your fear get in the way of what you two have. It’s a beautiful thing to find the person that makes your heart happy. And that’s what Kasey does for you.”

“But she—” I started before Sarah interrupted me.

“I think you need to figure out where your heart is at. Because from where I’m standing, it seems like you were just as into the relationship as she was. Yes, she led you on, but it takes two to tango. If you really, truly didn’t want to date her, you wouldn’t have let it go on so long. Even with your missing memories. Put the fear aside and decide what you really want.”

She stood and patted me on the shoulder before walking down the hallway toward the guest room, leaving me to my thoughts. And there were many thoughts. So much of what I thought I knew about Sarah and Jason had been wrong. I had always put all the blame on him. And while I wasn’t willing to rebuild the bridges and extend a hand of friendship to him or anything, I needed to rethink some things.

But more importantly, I needed to figure out how Sarah’s words and advice affected everything I had going on with Kasey. I was still upset and hurt by the way she lied and used me. Could I forgive her so easily? Pretend like it had never happened? As much as Sarah seemed to have forgiven Jason, I didn’t think she had completely moved on. She still had the scars and hurts from that relationship. Could I forgive Kasey? Probably. But I wasn’t sure if I could just move on like none of it had ever happened.

As I tried to sort out my thoughts, my mind was continually drawn back to the instances where Kasey had shown hesitation in our interactions. She hadn’t dated anyone in a while, and I’d just assumed she felt shy. But looking back, I could see that some of that hesitation was probably due to guilt because she felt torn about the lie she was telling while also wanting the chance for us to date and be together.

I groaned loudly and leaned back into the couch again. This tangle of thoughts and emotions probably deserved another long drive.