The Serial Killers Guide to Love (Deadly Darling #1)

Chapter 15

15

Sam

I don’t understand thieves and why they get caught. It’s so simple to enter a house if you wear the right uniform. It’s good to wear something that looks official. Not official as in police, but as in gas company or internet and phone. Cable is also good and worse case scenario, a blue overall and a tool box do the trick.

I once broke into a house acting as if I was from the Lock service. Still makes me chuckle.

Derek was either stupid or arrogant.

This is what gated communities do to people. They give them a fake sense of security. You are never safe. Ever.

Passing the gate was ridiculous, as I drove the right truck and made a fuss about missing work time and the fact that Mr D needs his internet running and his wifi sucks and that I can’t afford to wait.

The back window was open, and I didn’t even have to force my way into the house.

Okay.

A house that looked as if it was decorated by an expensive designer greeted me.

Nice.

Awards hung on the walls.

The kitchen was clean, a pasta machine left to dry on the counter.

“ A hobby cook. Huh.”

I opened the fridge, you never know.

Nothing out of the ordinary that would make me suspicious. And I started to get frustrated.

“Come on, give me something. Anything.”

A door that led to his office was closed, but it was easy to crack it. As soon as the lock made that typical sound that let me know that my card was accepted, I stepped into his office.

He is a computer guy. A large computer for gaming and three flat screens stood on a desk.

A few shelves hosted files and other business related things.

Nothing.

I left the office and walked down to the basement, but I gave up on that. A thick layer of dust covered the stairs. It was not a place he used often

What was my reason to search his house? His eyes looked normal, there was no darkness. At least not the amount of darkness needed to walk on the thin line between allowing someone to live or die.

Fuck.

If I am already here, I can check his bedroom. Not that I hoped to find anything special. He made pasta, for fucks sake. His bedroom matched the rest of his house. The bed was made, there were no signs of any female presence, or male for that matter. When I sat again in the old truck I borrowed, I knew that he was just some guy.

He maybe will break her heart, but he was not dangerous.

A part of me was upset, fuming that he couldn’t be on my list of kills.

Why?

If I don’t want Lilly, I should leave her be. She is just my neighbor, but she is the only woman that triggered a chemical reaction deep in my brain, and made me obsessed with her in all possible ways.

As I drove home, I made sure to ditch my rental and leave no traces.

I needed to stop, but as soon as I was home, I ran upstairs and clicked on the laptop and opened the surveillance cameras.

She was not home.

Where was she?

I kept clicking from one room to the next, until I saw Lilly in the greenhouse.

The air that I held inside left.

Get a fucking grip of yourself.

Sam is just a name, I don’t need a name for what I am, I know that unique brand of darkness that creeps inside me and that is always there. Like a good predator.

Do I want to kill Derek?

Do I have to?

During our drive, it was clear that Lilly was not disgusted by the idea of me, but it was me. I was the one that pushed her away and only replied to her emails in a very business and matter of fact way.

I watched her.

She worked on those creepy orchids that looked like kidneys with veins hanging from them. I was fascinated by the way they looked and for the hundredth time, I asked myself if she could accept me. What if I told her, everything that happened to me? Would she be patient with me and allow me to explore her with my fingers? Would she be offended if I wore gloves?

This sounds sick.

This is not even a fetish I am sick, broken. I am only cosplaying a human and one day, when I will inevitably land behind bars or I will get killed, I don’t want to pain her.

Or worse, make her my accomplice.

She is sweet and good and deserves a real human life.

Frustrated with myself, I decided that a run is just what I need.

I drove all the way to my usual trail through the Everglades and started running. Only this time, I ran from myself and my wishes. I was always a very well adjusted criminal. My ability to cosplay a human gave me the chance to live hidden in plain sight and there was never anything that I desired and that I refused myself.

Do I want to kill someone? Sure, I would kill that person after I made sure that they deserved it. I killed men, but I also killed women and at some point I lost track.

No, I didn’t. Each kill was special and it chipped away a piece of my humanity. Someone had to be the bringer of death and the eraser of evil, and that was me.

I studied mystical delirium, and I didn’t have that. My desires are simple.

I like killing.

I love killing.

It’s the only time I feel alive. I don’t need to come up with reason of mystical nature to want to do that. At some level, I assume that we all want to kill someone. I only need it more and take it more seriously.

Lilly.

Her name slipped over my lips and I tasted it. How could this woman occupy such a large portion of my mind, erode my defenses and make me want to run over to her right now?

I would hug her as long as we both had our clothes on.

Or if she would be naked and I dressed.

Would I like to feel her touch? Maybe in small amounts, now and then.

Modern people need sex like they need air and food, and they are very preoccupied with it.

She would probably laugh and ask me to leave if I would tell her that I never had sex.

What if she would notice?

What if I would not be able to enter her at all? If the disgust would make me stop right in my tracks.

My hands clasped into fists again.

Sweat ran down my back, it was my church, my exorcism. Other people find release in prayer, I find mine in killing and running.

Maybe I enjoy using my body for exercise and not sex.

The idea of having sex with Lilly is floating inside me during every waking hour, day and night.

After running so long that my feet burned, I walked slowly back to my car.

A shower will wash everything away. The store was running great. I was on track with all the killing, not that I needed a list for that.

I am very good at this.

As I don’t want anyone to know that I am a killer, I make sure that people don’t find the body. A missing person is one thing, a chopped up body is another.

I make sure that there are no traces. The last thing that I need is fame. The less anyone knew about anything, the better it was.

At two in the morning, I was awake and the light that shone from Lilly’s greenhouse called out to me. It was a beacon.

The darkness in me was sleeping and I was just a man that couldn’t stop thinking about a woman. The light that stretched its fingers and burned its path through the night reached over to me as if trying to take my hand and pull me over. How could I resist the temptation of leaving my bubble and stepping into her shine?

Without even thinking, I grabbed a bottle of wine from my fridge and walked over the street.

The light still reached for me and I stood there, watching her dance inside the greenhouse.

The door was wide open and she listened to something on her headphones, her body swaying with the sound of music that I couldn’t hear.

What are you listening to?

I bit the inside of my cheek, but I wasn’t feeling wrong.

Either my ability to detect what was off in my behavior was broken, or this was as right as it felt.

“Hey.”

I whispered and she kept dancing. Her hips kept moving calling out to the soul of the things unseen.

When I saw her, with her wild mane of hair and her colorful clothes, I could imagine that she was Persephone and I could understand how Hades could fall for her.

Maybe she could understand me, and if so, would she stay with me, watch my darkness bleed through the cracks of my soul and still choose to stay?

Lilly turned to me and shrieked, and I lifted the one hand that didn’t hold the wine bottle in a sign of apology and surrender.

She pulled her headphones away, her eyes round and her mouth half open with shock.

A part of me craved her closer to me. Could I step over the distance between us and pull her closer? Would she like to feel my chest pressing against her breasts? Would she be soft and warm?

“God, Sam you scared the shit out of me.”

I smiled and tried to regain my ability to speak.

“Hi. I saw light and I couldn’t sleep and I was thinking that a neighborly visit “I took a break and lifted the bottle in her direction “With wine, would be welcome.”

She pushed her hair back, and her chest started to rise and fall slower.

Still, she said nothing.

She just watched.

“Why are you here?”

The question cut through me like one of my blades would.

“This is a good question.”

“Maybe it’s because it’s late, maybe because I just had a good date with a nice guy, but I don’t want you to play with me, Sam.”

It was my turn to inhale and try to hold on to something. My fingers choked the neck of the bottle.

“I am not playing with you.”

“Yes, you do. We spent the day together, and you called me beautiful, but then you disappeared and we only emailed. And now you come over in the middle of the night with a bottle.”

I cleared my throat.

What the hell was I doing here?

She was right.

My inability to connect with a human, to create a real relationship, was visible now.

I am broken and all I can offer is a mirage.

“I should go.”

I put the bottle on one of the shelves and turned my back to her.

And for the first time in a very long time I was surprised.

Lilly stood next to me, her hand wrapped itself around my wrist and the next second, her mouth was on mine.

Her lips, soft and warm, slightly wet pushed against mine. Her body found a way to invade my space.

My mind worked on overtime to calm down, but my body was melting. Wanting this.

Wanting her.

Her kiss was soft, her tongue just grazed my lips, but I leaned into the kiss, my arm wrapped itself around her middle and I pulled her closer.

She was all around me, inside me, touching me in a way I never dreamed possible. Her mouth stood open and allowed my tongue to enter and explore, touch her. I craved her soft lips and the sound of her heart that beat wildly against her ribs. My nose grazed her cheek and I inhaled her. Thirsty for her scent, wanting to brand it into my memory. I needed her. This. The way she moved against me, the shiver that I felt traveling inside hr body and that I knew that I created. She whispered, a moan, not entirely peach, but good enough to drive me mad, make me hard in a most painful way.

My world was contracting on one single point, and the center of that was Lilly and her touch. Could I go further?

Questions and desires foreign to me attacked my carefully crafted defenses.

Her arms shot up and she engulfed me and it was then that I couldn’t breathe. I felt trapped. The closer she came, the more I was confronted with the things that I couldn’t do. I am broken. I am not good for her.

I tasted her tea on her tongue and I was very aware of the texture of the tongue, but more than that, her arm pulled me closer to her.

And I pushed her aside, desperately needing to catch my breath. The world spun fast, out of control before I crashed on the ground, with my hands holding my temples, trying to calm down.

The cool wall behind me my only support.

I don’t know how long I sat there. I just know that when I opened my eyes she was there, looking at me.

“Hey.”

Her voice was soft, and warm and she held her hands folded in her lap, kneeling in front of me. She stretched her hand to me, and I shrieked away from it, like a wounded animal.

“What do you need? And I won’t touch you.”

I am always in control. This is one of the reasons I don’t allow anyone to come closer. To touch, to push me down, to do anything to me.

I don’t want to fall apart and see pity.

But it was time to face reality and see the pity in her eyes for how broken and fucked up I am.

“Would you like some wine?”

She asked and I nodded. It was not the kiss that I hated. The kiss was fucking wonderful, it was the rest. The touches that reminded me of being caged and exposed and unable to protect myself.

She stood up and I watched her walk away barefoot. The floor of the greenhouse wasn’t the most comfortable place to be, but I wasn’t sure that my legs would be able to hold me upright.

If I wanted to experiment, I should have picked a professional. I chastised myself, but it was too late. I never craved anyone, but I craved her.

The scent of fresh grass and water and sweat that clung to her mixed with tea and coffee drove me wild.

Lilly offered me a cup of wine in silence making sure that she wasn’t touching me.

“I am sorry. I assumed that you wanted me to kiss you. As a woman, I should be more aware that only being friendly, doesn’t mean consent. I acted like a fucking Neanderthal and I want to apologize to you.”

I only shook my head in disagreement.

“No, it’s not that. I wanted the kiss.”

I rolled my eyes. Tears prickled at the inside of my eyelids.

“I am broken. Beyond repair.”

“Ugh, tell me about it. Aren’t we all broken?”

She said and took a sip from the cup. Lilly poured the five hundred dollar wine in two chipped coffee mugs and that made me smile even more.

“So, it was not you. I hoped to kiss you, but this, this is why I stay away.”

“The sex part?”

I shrugged.

“You are wonderful and you deserve all parts including the sex part. And I am not sure if I can offer anything traditional when it comes to that.”

She stopped and took another long sip.

“After a cup of this, I’ll be down for kinky.”

Lilly took a break.

“Sorry, inappropriate humor is my way to cope with things. I want to understand. I like you.”

“I like you. But I am not good for you.”

I jumped to my feet and ran away. Was that a manly thing to do? Fuck no, but this was not me. I can’t allow anyone to crawl through the tunnels that lead to the little bit of myself that I managed to protect over the years.

I closed my eyes as soon as I closed the door, leaning against the cool surface to calm my heated mind down.

After a long hot shower that was meant to boil everything away, I crashed into my bed.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t watch Lilly.

My phone rested on the charging station next to my bed.

The ding that announced to me it was an email made me want to check. I was curious and I knew it was from her.

“Hey, so I drank all the wine, so I can’t be held responsible for this. Lol.

Sam, I wish you had stayed. I want to know you better.”

Her words made me ache for her. They made me want to sit up and walk over and make an ass of myself, but I knew that if I would walk over now, there would be no coming back. And I haven’t even figured out what worked and what not for me when it came to intimacy, so what could I tell her?

“I noticed that you don’t like to be touched. The kiss was okay, wonderful, until I put my arms around you. Am I right, Sam?”

If I would have been a stronger man, I would have blocked her email, sold the house and left forever. But I wasn’t.

“I can’t deal with people in my space. This makes things awkward.”

I replied feeling like an idiot.

“Maybe we can set up some rules for next time. You tell me what is OK up front and we work it out.”

How could she be such an optimistic person? We work it out?

I am a fucking freak who had no sexual desire that was not connected to killing until I met her. How could she be so willing to accommodate me? And why?

“I am not sure I even know. Long time passed.’

I replied, trying to sound at least a touch normal. She won’t assume that I am technically a virgin. The years of abuse from my childhood pushed against the door that I locked them in.

No.

The disgust came from somewhere, and I knew from where it came, that didn’t mean that I had any interest visiting that place. The man that did that to me paid for it, with his blood.

With his last breath.

He was gone and I was still drawing breath.

“We can use a safe word and go really slow.”

Lilly wrote and I felt my useless heart pump harder. Desire clouded my mind. Why was she so sweet to me? Why was she doing her best to make me feel comfortable? There was Derek she could have, he was normal, open, fuck he was even nice.

“I am not into BDSM. I don’t know how.”

I replied, but I read many books on the subject, only they didn’t do anything for me. For years, I believed that the desire to have sex was burned out from my body, like the need to connect with another human.

“Next time, we can start with kissing. I will keep my hands to myself, even if it’s hard and when you feel comfortable we can experiment and see what works. As soon as you don’t feel right, we stop and talk. How does that sound?”

Why was she doing all this?

“This doesn’t sound very satisfying for you. Please forget tonight, Lilly. I promise I’ll stay away from you.”

Writing this broke my heart, but I couldn’t put her up for failure. She would have to put in work and would get nothing in return. I am not able to form a real bond with her. I am like a plant that grows in the dark. I am strong, but I am wrong, sick, and twisted.

Closing my phone, I lay it on the bedside and decide to forget her.

I will stop watching her. I am a killer, not a stalker and I shall kill soon, again.