Tied Together (The Cade Siblings Duology #1)

34. Alana

CHAPTER 34

Alana

I’m daydreaming as I walk behind Alex into our flat. This whole evening was straight out of a fairytale and I’m having a hard time believing that I’m not dreaming.

“Something came for you while we were out. I had Albert put it on the table,” Alex says.

“What?” I say, still so distracted by our evening and the bow in my hair.

“On the table.” He nods his head in the direction of the dining room.

I walk over to the table to find a large box with Charlie’s return address on the shipping label. I have a sudden wave of homesickness seeing his name, missing him and the comfort of my sibling.

I begin opening the package, eager to see what he sent me, and I feel Alex step up behind me. There’s tissue paper hiding what is inside the package, and a note sits on top of it. My name is written in Charlie’s handwriting and I brush my fingers over it.

“I miss him.”

“I know,” Alex says behind me. His hands are on my shoulders and he rubs my arms up and down in a comforting way. “Open the letter, Lan.”

I do as he says and begin reading.

Lana,

Alex let me know that you needed a little Christmas spirit, and of course I had to assist. Making advent calendars is one of my favorite things we do each year, and I wasn’t about to let 3,500 miles stop me.

Love you

I don’t notice I’m silently crying until a tear drops onto the page and makes the ink bleed. I miss Charlie more than I realized. We haven’t been in Paris for very long, but for some reason just knowing how far away we are from one another and the added fact that I’m missing my favorite time of the year with him has me feeling especially emotional.

I tear at the tissue paper, not able to get to the gift fast enough. Sitting in the box, surrounded by foam packing pieces for safety, is my very own advent calendar.

I look over my shoulder at the man standing behind me in astonishment. “How’d you know?”

“It was on the list.”

“How did you know we made them for each other?”

“I called Charlie and asked. I called him about the whole list, actually. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything. He told me about how you make them for each other every year, so I asked him to send you one.”

“But I only just gave you the list a few days ago. How did you get it here so quickly?”

“Express shipping,” he answers with a nonchalant shrug.

That must have cost a fortune. I stare at him in disbelief. It had to have been a fortune to ship, because it’s heavy and we’re in Paris. I’m sure Charlie would have covered the cost of shipping, but something tells me this is all Alex.

I gave my brother his calendar early this year, and I had made peace with the fact that I wouldn’t have one.

The calendar is in the shape of a large gingerbread house. He decorated it with fake white icing all around and swirls of pink and green. I set it up on the table in front of me and open the first few days that I’ve missed so far. Each one is filled with a short and sweet handwritten encouragement and a small chocolate.

I pop one in my mouth, then unwrap the next one and hold it over my shoulder for the man who is still hovering there. He leans forward and wraps his lips around it, taking the chocolate from my fingers. I shiver at the contact and he laughs.

I turn around, facing Alex.

“Thank you.”

“For what? Charlie did all the work.”

“He put the advent calendar together, but I know you’re on mission-complete-all-traditions so I know you made it happen. Thank you.”

He just shrugs and pulls me in for a quick hug. He presses a kiss to the top of my head and I practically melt.

“What’s the story behind these? Charlie didn’t give me much background.”

“Our mom used to do it.” I smile at the memories. “Every year on the last day of November, she would give us our own advent calendars. They were different each year and sometimes they’d have a random theme, other times she’d pick something we had really been into that year, but they were always over the top in detail.”

“That must have taken her a long time.”

“You have no idea. Not only were the calendars themselves detailed, but she would make our gifts each day a mini scavenger hunt. There would be a tiny rolled up piece of paper in each day’s window, and when we opened it there was a riddle to a place around our house. We’d find all kinds of things. Sometimes it was small, like a chocolate, but other times she’d give us little gifts.”

“When did you and Charlie start doing them for each other?”

My smile falls, but I quickly try to recover it. It’s sad because it makes me miss my childhood with my mom, but they’re also happy memories because I wouldn’t trade Charlie and I’s relationship for anything.

“It was more of a gradual change. Every few years it felt like she did less and less until eventually it was all gone. She had stopped everything by the time we went to college.”

Alex nods his head in understanding and I can tell he’s contemplating saying something. He only hesitates for a second before speaking. “When was the last time you talked to your mom?”

I have to think about it. “Right after Heather told us about coming here. I told her I was going on a business trip. We didn’t actually speak though, I left her a voicemail because she didn’t answer my call. She texted me later and told me she was excited for me, but we haven’t spoken since then.”

“Have you ever told your parents how their actions affect you and Charlie?”

“No, I haven’t ever brought it up. My therapist has suggested it a few times, but I haven’t worked up the courage. I know it would be good to talk about it though.”

“If you want your relationship with them to get better, it might be a good idea to bring it up. I won’t pretend to be the expert on parent relationships though.”

I smile sadly at him.

“Do you have any information on your dad?”

“I know his name, but I haven’t looked him up. I think I’m a little nervous about what I might find.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had this nightmare a while back. I found his address somehow and went to his house. He had a wife and they had this huge house with a pool and a room specifically for watching movies. It got worse when his three sons showed up with their wives and kids. He had this whole other life.” He shakes his head in dejection. “It made me think, what about my mom and I wasn’t enough for him to do that with us? It scared me so much that I never wanted to attempt to actually find him.”

“That’s understandable, but if for some reason he did go out and create this whole other life, you have to know that it had nothing to do with you. His decisions are entirely his own. Plus, you have no idea if that dream is a reality. What if you meet him and he’s great? You’ve created this story in your mind and haven’t even given your dad a chance to prove you wrong.”

“I know you’re right, but it feels like this impossible wall to climb.”

“What do you think it is that keeps you from reaching out?”

Alex has helped me talk through my fears and worries so much in the last few weeks and I want him to feel just as much support from me as I do from him.

“I don’t really love talking about this stuff.” He’s fidgeting nervously with the strands of hair hanging around my shoulders. We’re locked in this embrace, his arms slung over my shoulders and mine wrapped around his waist. It feels as though he’s clinging to me like a life raft, like he’ll float away if he doesn’t hold on. “But I want to.”

“I want to listen if you want to share.”

“My mom has always built me up, ever since I was small she has always been an extraordinary encourager, but my dad leaving without an explanation left me with a lot of questions. I’ve wondered for a long time if it was because of me, if I wasn’t good enough for him or if he wasn’t proud of me as a son. My therapist has helped me realize he and my mom had been struggling for a while, they always fought and I was always mediating their arguments, but I still can’t help but feel like I wasn’t enough to keep him around.”

I stay silent, letting him have the space to share what’s on his heart and mind. I am on the edge of my seat, starving for any information I can gather to understand him better, but this is for him not for me.

“I’m scared that if I wasn’t enough for him, if he went and started this other family with people who were enough for him to deem worthy, then is whatever family I create one day going to leave me too? Am I just defective, unable to be a part of a cohesive family unit?”

My heart breaks as his eyes look somewhere over the top of my head. I can tell he isn’t here with me anymore, he’s gone somewhere else. Somewhere where he believes lies about himself.

“Alex,” I say softly, reaching up to cup his cheek with my palm and bringing his eyes back to mine. “Stay here with me.” He nods. “Would you say you and your mom are a cohesive family unit? Does the absence of your dad mean that you two aren’t a family?”

He looks into my eyes for so long, I think he isn’t going to reply. But a few seconds later I hear his soft, “No.”

“And even though my parents are still together, they don’t even treat me like their child. I wouldn’t call that cohesive and I know you wouldn’t either. Does that mean I won’t be capable of being a part of a family someday?”

His response to this is quicker. “Absolutely not, Alana.”

“So if you believe that about me, why don’t you believe it about yourself? You’ve learned so much throughout the years since your dad left. You’ve learned how to be the man of the household, how to take care of the people you love and how to lead a family. That has been your role for the last nineteen years. Not to mention, you don’t actually know why your dad left. You’ve been assuming the worst because you don’t have any closure.”

He’s quietly contemplative for a few moments before he speaks again. The environment is heavy, the emotion high. His next words catch me off guard, the adoration in them so clear.

“Where did you come from?”

I don’t know what to say, so I just smile up at him, still locked in his embrace. It feels like the perfect moment for a kiss, but we don’t. Eventually he pulls away and pours us two glasses of wine.

We spend a few more hours together watching Christmas movies in the living room before we part ways for the night.

Back in my room, I’ve just settled into bed for the night when I decide to give Charlie a call and thank him for my gift.

“I was wondering when I’d get a call from you,” Charlie says by way of greeting. He sounds tired, but clearly happy to be on the phone. Just hearing his voice makes my chest squeeze. Even though it’s only been less than a week since I left, it hurts knowing we have weeks ahead of us before I get to see him again.

“Thank you. I miss you.” I’m sure he doesn’t miss the wobble in my voice, but he graciously chooses not to bring attention to it.

“Miss you too, Lan. How’d you like the advent calendar?”

“It’s perfect. The gingerbread house was a nice touch. You sure you didn’t get any help from Cami?”

“Oh whatever, you know I can be a creative when I want to be.”

“Of course, my apologies.”

“How are things going there?” he asks.

“It’s going well. We had our first day in the office today.”

“How was that?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure the other two section editors are plotting our deaths, but other than that it wasn’t bad. I’m exhausted though.”

“I bet, working at a new place with new people and then coming home to Alex playing your own personal elf.”

I smile at the thought. “I know. He’s something.”

The silence on the line is comfortable, but I know Charlie is debating whether or not he wants to press further into this topic of conversation. It seems as though he’s decided when he asks, “So, anything going on there?”

“I’m not sure. We’re getting closer, having deeper conversations, and he touches me like we’re something more than friends, but I can’t get past the mental block.”

“Brad still bothering you?” I love this about my brother. I don’t have to tell him much, but he almost always knows what’s going on inside my head.

“It isn’t so much him as it is the affects of our relationship. Ever since I ran into him, it’s been worse. The reminder of how he treated me and what happened makes me more afraid to open up to Alex.”

“That would make sense. It ended really badly and he was extremely disrespectful to you. Has Alex done anything to show you that he’d treat you in a similar way?”

“No, he’s been better than I could have ever expected. I know logically that he wouldn’t do or say the things Brad did.”

“So how do you move forward and let him in if your fear is telling you one thing, but your heart is telling you something different?”

I pause and think about the question for a few moments. He doesn’t push me, he just allows me to sit in the moment and think.

“I think I just do it scared.”

“Do it scared?”

“Yeah, some of the best things that I’ve done I was terrified to do. If I had let my fear stop me from even trying I would have missed out on so much. I think I need to just give this a try, even if I’m terrified.”

“I think that’s a great decision.”

“It might take me a little while to make that first move, but I know there’s something going on with Alex and I don’t want to miss it.”

“Good. That’s good, Lan.”

“Hey, I know this is a little random, but have you talked to Mom in a while?”

“It’s been a few months. I’ve been ignoring the post-game calls. Why?”

“Alex was asking me about our relationship with them tonight.”

“You weren’t kidding when you said you were having deeper conversations.”

An uncomfortable laugh falls from my lips. “I think I want to try talking to them about everything.”

He scoffs. I wince.

“Good luck even getting them on the phone.” His tone makes me sad. I know what he’s saying is probably true, it is impossible to even get them to answer sometimes, but I want his approval I guess.

He must notice my silence and correctly take it for sadness, because he backpedals.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be a cynic. If you need to talk to them and you think that will help you then I think that’s great. I’m not ready for that though.”

“I get that.”

We talk for a little longer and he updates me on hockey and Cami and how things are going at home. He tells me they are planning to go see The Nutcracker ballet and that makes me a little sad, but I hope he can’t tell.

“I miss you,” I say after an hour.

“You already said that.”

“Still true.”

“I’ll see you soon, Lan.”

“Goodnight.”

“Night.”