Tied Together (The Cade Siblings Duology #1)

35. Alana

CHAPTER 35

Alana

The first week of work has been full of ups and downs. We’ve met at least four new candidates for the editor positions that we feel would be a good fit for the office, so I’m grateful we’re fulfilling that part of our role here. Working with Genevieve and Luis, however, has been a different story. They are the most challenging people I have ever had to work with.

Any time Alex or I have a question about their process or something we’re working on, their answers include the least amount of details possible. It’s like they give just enough information so that it doesn’t seem as though they aren’t cooperating at all, but what they give has maybe about 10 percent of what we actually need to know. It’s infuriating.

Alex and I are at dinner, seated at a table tucked away in a corner talking quietly. Over the last week, our relationship has taken a turn in a direction I’m not sure I fully understand. Any time we aren’t working, we make excuses to spend time together and the small but intimate touches we exchange cause my blood to heat. I know there’s something going on, but neither of us has ventured into the danger zone and spoken about it. I have a feeling that’s about to change.

Even though this whatever has been really nice between the two of us, and having his support in this way feels nice, I still feel the pull to focus on work and I’m nervous about the balance of it all.

“I think we should talk about this,” I say.

“About…”

“This.” My hand gestures between us in a back and forth motion.

“Ah, okay.” Alex takes his napkin and delicately wipes the corners of his mouth before placing the napkin in his lap and clearing his throat. “I’ve been waiting for this.”

“I think we need to stop.” There. Band-Aid ripped. Done. Alex nods and takes a long pull of his wine. “At least for right now.”

“And why is that, Alana?” Full name. Okay, ouch.

“I like you.”

“And I like you.”

I am startled at how good it feels to hear those words. I had suspected as much, but having it confirmed is a whole new ballgame.

“I just think it might be best to put it on hold for right now,” I say, hesitantly.

“What does that mean?” The question is serious, but not unkind. Gone is the calm, cool, collected Alex. In his place is a straightforward man who is clearly going after what he wants. Which apparently, is me. I’m flattered, and if I let myself think about the fact that he seems to be fighting for me I might just decide to give in, but I can’t.

“We’re here for work,” I state.

“Are we really?” he teases.

“Stop it, I’m trying to be serious. Whatever this is between us would be a distraction that neither of us can afford.”

His eyes pierce me over the rim of his wine glass as he takes another drink. The seconds stretch as we sit in silence, staring at one another over the flame on the table.

“So you think you wouldn’t be able to do the work if we were also exploring our relationship?” he asks, even though it sounds more like a statement. One he doesn’t entirely buy.

“I just think it would be hard to give both things the amount of time needed. We committed to helping Impress Europe and I want to be sure I’m doing that.”

“Does this have anything to do with the promotion?” he asks, and I tense.

We haven’t discussed this elephant in the room since Ian announced his departure, and I really don’t want to talk about it now, but I know we need to. Alex is just as good of a candidate for it as I am, which is a fact I’ve been ignoring.

“It’s a factor.”

He nods and takes another bite of his food. His eyes feel like they hold secrets, like they know something about me that I don’t know.

“I’ll bow out,” he says and I begin to choke on my salad. His eyes are wide when he looks up at me, but I take a drink of my water and get my coughing under control.

“What did you just say?”

“I’m serious, Lanie, this promotion would be great but I’m happy where I am. I don’t need it. I’ll just tell them I’m not interested and then it’ll be yours.”

Why does that make my stomach sink? I don’t want to get the promotion by default, then I’ll never know if I truly earned it. I can see what he’s doing, trying to make room for an us somewhere in the mess we’re currently in, but this isn’t how to do that.

“I don’t want you to do that, Alex. You deserve a shot at it, and I would feel weird if I just got it by default. I’ve already told you, you can’t do everything for me. I want to earn this.”

“I get that.” He pauses. “Do you not feel like you’re worthy of it? Even if I wasn’t in the running?”

I shrug. He’s hitting a sore spot.

“Sunshine, Heather knows your work ethic. I’m not trying to talk you into trying something with me because I know you’re going to make your own decisions and I want that, but I do want you to recognize that you’re a dedicated member of the staff and that shows itself in your work.”

I wish I could believe the words he’s saying. I do, somewhat, but not fully. I know, logically, that the work I’ve done over the last year at Impress has shown how dedicated I am, but I still feel the need to prove myself worthy.

“I know I work hard, but if I’m going to get this, I really need to make sure my work here is exceptional. We’re already pulling teeth with Luis and Genevieve and I just don’t know that I have the emotional capacity for anything else.”

That is a true statement. I feel like I’m already struggling so much with keeping it all straight and the emotions of everything lately can get really overwhelming. Facing my fears of flying, pushing through anxiety attacks, missing Cami and Charlie, trying to make my own Christmas magic away from them, proving myself to my boss and now two coworkers who seem to hate us for absolutely no reason.

I’m not sure I can add anything else to that list. I know that if I get involved with Alex, he might ease some of that for a little while, but what happens when we hit a snag and have a disagreement? Will he stick around to work through that? I’m not even sure I have the emotional capacity to survive if he didn’t.

“I’m scared,” I blurt out.

His beautiful green eyes soften and the affection in his gaze is startling.

“I know.” He reaches across the table and places his hand over mine and squeezes it once, twice, three times. I look down at our joined hands and something inside me breaks a little. I want this so badly for myself and it’s frustrating that I can’t let myself have it.

“Lanie, I think you are an incredible editor. You work insanely hard and give yourself fully to your job and your relationships. You’re selfless and funny and beautiful and absolutely everything a guy could want in a partner. I know that the things Brad did and said really messed with your head and caused you to internalize a lot, but I want you to know that I am certain he is the biggest idiot ever for treating someone like you the way he did and letting you go. The most stupid man on earth.” He takes a breath before continuing, clearly annoyed to even mention my ex’s name. “I know you aren’t ready, and that’s okay, I’ll wait, but I want you to know that if you were mine, you would be cherished. You would be seen as an equal, you would be told how worthy and good and incredible you are. You deserve someone who treats you like the prize you are and I am prepared to do that, I just need you to get to a place where you’re ready for it too.”

The stinging behind my eyes burns and no matter how hard I work to force it to stay inside, a hot tear slides down my face. Alex reaches up and cups my cheek with his hand, then uses his thumb to swipe across my cheekbone and catch the tear as it falls. He doesn’t drop his hand though, he keeps it there and continues swiping that thumb across my cheek. Back, and forth. Back, and forth. I close my eyes.

“No one has ever said those things to me,” I say in a small voice.

“I thought that might be the case. That’s too bad, sunshine, because I plan to keep saying them to you.”

I take a deep breath and on my exhale, I breathe out the tension and stress and just melt into the moment, into his hands on me. He is such an incredible guy and maybe I will eventually get there. I think I’m way closer to giving in than I’d like to admit to myself, but I’m not there right now.

When I open my eyes again, I’m startled at how close we are. Our faces are inches apart and it’s just like back in the office when we almost kissed. I can feel his warm breath tickling my lips and it would be so easy to just lean in a few inches and…

Alex pulls back and I immediately miss his touch and the heat of his hand. I take a second to recover before speaking again. I find myself feeling sad that he didn’t close the distance between us, but I understand why. I just finished telling him I wasn’t ready yet.

“Thank you, Alex. For saying that and for supporting me not just these past few weeks, but for a while now. I know we haven’t spent a lot of time together until recently, but the small things you’ve done to help me over the last year haven’t gone unnoticed.”

His blush is so cute it makes me want to go sit in his lap and bury my face in his neck, but I stay seated and smile at him. He smiles back and we continue on like we didn’t just have an incredibly emotional conversation in the back corner of this restaurant.

“So you started watching The Office ,” he says.

“I did. I’m in season four right now.” I’m grateful for the change in topic, especially to this one. I can’t believe I hadn’t seen the show before now. It’s probably one of the funniest ones I’ve watched.

“What episode has been your favorite so far?”

“I just watched the one where Jan and Michael throw a dinner party. I was doubled over laughing.”

“Ah, that’s a really good one. There’s one in a later season where they meet the founder of Famous Amos cookies that kills me every time. Let me know when you get there.”

“Will do.”

We eat and we drink and we talk about work and his mom and my brother and it feels warm and cozy and safe. I feel safe with him . I don’t think I’ve ever felt this kind of safety with anyone other than Cami and Charlie.

At the end of our meal, we head back to our flat and as we walk inside Alex grabs my hand to stop me. I turn back and he smiles at me. What is he up to?

“There’s a surprise for you in the living room, but you can’t look yet so I need you to close your eyes and I’ll guide you to your room to change.”

“Change? Into what?”

“Come on, just close your eyes and cover them with your hands.” I obey and he turns me around, his hands softly on my shoulders, and begins to walk me towards my room. After a few steps he stops me and reaches around, placing his hands over mine.

The hard lines of his body are pressed against my back and with his arms up and around me, it feels like I’m resting in the warmest embrace. I would be happy if this was the surprise.

“What are you doing?” I ask timidly.

“Making sure you aren’t peeking.” I giggle and we continue our quest towards my room. Once we’re there, he pulls away from me and I turn to face him. “Now go put on your comfiest PJs and wait like thirty minutes, then yell when you’re heading out.”

“Sir, yes sir,” I say with a mock salute. He rolls his eyes and I make my way into my room to change.

After pulling out a light pink set of lounge pants and a buttery soft T-shirt, I undress and pull them on, sighing as the fabric brushes against my skin. I slip on a pair of white fuzzy socks, then sit on my bed and scroll social media, glancing at the time on my phone every two minutes. After the longest thirty minutes of my life, I stand and make my way to my door, cracking it and sticking my head out to yell.

“Okay, I’m coming.”

“I’m ready for you,” he shouts back.

I walk down the hallway and as I turn to enter the living room I’m completely in awe at what I see. The entire room has been transformed into the biggest adult sized fort anyone could have ever dreamed up.

He has covered the entire floor in more blankets than I’ve ever seen in my life and there are even more hanging from the ceiling and draping over the couches and chair. He has created a little cocoon around the far wall of the room and there’s a small opening that I assume leads to the man himself.

I walk towards it and peel back one side of the blanket door, only to be stunned to silence once again as I open it and step inside. He’s sitting on the floor, a smug look about his face which is definitely earned, and he’s enclosed the tree in our fort so the lights are glowing in the dark space.

There’s a projector set up and the menu of the movie Barbie in The Nutcracker is lit up on the wall. He knew I wouldn’t get to see The Nutcracker ballet, so he brought it to me. He must mistake the shock on my face for alarm, because he abruptly stands and comes to me. He’s crouching a little because he’s too tall to stand up fully in here, but it makes me giggle a little so it helps.

“Sunshine, what’s wrong?” His eyes are frantically moving all over my face to try and figure out what is happening in my head, good luck because I barely know, and he takes my face in his big hands and brings my gaze to his.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong, Alex. This is incredible.”

His shoulders drop a little, but not fully, and his hands don’t leave my face. He lets out a nervous laugh. “Could’ve fooled me.”

“I promise, I’m better than ever. I just wasn’t expecting this. No one has ever done anything like this for me before.” He pulls me into him and I wrap my arms around his large frame. He tucks my head into his chest and places his chin on top of it, and I feel like I’m wrapped in a weighted blanket. I feel so small wrapped up in his arms and it’s the best feeling.

“Come on, let’s watch the movie. I made popcorn and I figured if you couldn’t go see the ballet, we could watch the next best version,” he says with a wink.

“I have to say, the fact that you know this movie exists is a bit of a shock.”

“I may have gotten a little help from Cami.” His smile is shy. It warms my heart to know he is reaching out to my friends to talk to them about me.

“Oh, I see. You cheated. Have you watched it before?”

“This will be the first time.”

“Well, you’re in for a treat.”

We’re still standing in the same embrace, although he’s pulled back a little so he can see my face. I look over to see the pile of pillows and blankets on the ground make up a small palette that looks just big enough for both of us. My palms start to sweat thinking about us laying side by side.

“I can see you overthinking. I heard you loud and clear, Lanie. I know you’re unsure, but let me take care of you tonight. Let me show you how safe and cared for you are with me. Let me take all of the stress from work and show you both things can happen together, work and me. I think you could have both, if you let yourself.”

I know I’m blushing, but I nod and move to sit down. He comes to sit next to me and lays down, then pulls me down on top of him. My head rests on his chest and his arm drapes over my back, his hand resting gently on my hip. He presses play and we watch the movie together, laughing at all the cheesy parts and getting quiet at the dramatic ones.

Yes, there are dramatic moments in Barbie movies.

And as we do his hand never stops moving. He’s got it resting on my hip and his thumb swoops back and forth, he’s got it tangled in my hair playing with the strands, he lets it drape over my body and takes my hand in his.

He’s showing me, in all the small ways, what a life with him would look like and even though I told him just hours ago that I wasn’t ready, I know this is what I want—to feel cherished and loved, to know someone out there in the world is thinking about me and looking after me and thinking about what I might want, and what might feel special to me. Better yet, I want to be that person for them.

I want to be known in all the small ways and I want to know someone else in all the small ways. I want someone to know what would make me happy after a hard day. What my favorite flower is and what my biggest fears are. I want them to know what drink to order for me at a restaurant and how I like my coffee. I want them to know I love Taylor Swift and the color pink, and I want them to celebrate that and not belittle me for it. I want them to know all the tiny pieces of me and still choose me. That’s what I want, and Alex is showing me that that’s exactly what he plans to give me.