My heart was in my throat as I fought to keep my breathing even. The techniques that I’d been working on for years only helped me for so long. I could feel the panic, the anxiety, boiling under the surface.
I didn’t want attention. I didn’t want to make someone else feel bad because I wanted to just say a simple hi to someone that I had been forced to share a room with.
If I didn’t look, maybe I could pretend none of the past ten minutes happened. Maybe if I wished it all away, everything would disappear.
I shouldn’t have come along with Jasper. I should have just stayed at home, curled up in bed or on the couch and waited for the snow to fall while trying to find something to keep my mind busy.
“Don’t touch him,” Jasper’s warning was just as low as it had been when he gave orders to not read a note.
I didn’t catch whatever was spoken, or expressed as I don’t think anyone had said anything. Jasper spoke again. “You're funeral then.”
He made it sound like I would kill someone for just touching me.
“Take a drink, honey.” Jasper, again, pushing a glass of water my way, along with putting a white pill on the table right in view. I had to spread my fingers to see them, but they were right there.
I didn’t think as I took the little white pill without water. I felt it slide down my throat. When Jasper ordered me to take a drink again, I did so but not happily.
“Koda?”
My chest heaved as a voice reached my ears, even as my hands moved to cover them.
Ignoring me was better.
“I’m so sorry,” came the voice again, soft and quiet. “Can I sit?”
Like I could stop him.
I felt the leather of the bench move as someone scooted in beside me, leaving more than enough space between us. Or so I assumed since I couldn’t feel any body heat against my side.
“Remember those colors I explained about?” Jasper waited until I gave out a nod, or at least tried to, through a quiet sob. “You can use them.”
“That’s right,” the voice spoke, almost a whisper. “I like colors. The world is scary, and those three colors help so much. It took me a long time to remember to use them, and I wish I had known about them years before I had.”
I held my breath, hoping it’d put a stop to everything.
“I’ll just sit here and talk to Jas then, for a few. If you want to…talk you can. I’ll listen.”
“You didn’t have to come over.” Jasper spoke, moving. His foot reached my leg, and he held it there for a long moment.
“No, I did. Noah’s been after me about reaching out. I was being a dick. Afraid of my own response rather than thinking about someone else’s healing. I had someone to lean on while I healed. More than one, actually.”
“You’ve been through a lot.” It seemed like Jasper wanted to know exactly what that was.
I sure didn’t have the guts to tell him. Not when I couldn’t catch my breath as it was.
Every few seconds, as I fought with my lungs to work with me, Jasper’s foot would touch mine, hitting me just lightly enough to remind me that he was there and wasn’t going anywhere.
“You don’t know the half of it,” Asher muttered. “Still, I was a dick. And that’s not who I am. Well, not on purpose.”
“I don’t think anyone has said such a thing. And Noah doesn’t count.”
“If he sees me right now, he'll shake me to death.” I could mentally see the eye roll, or maybe that was just me.“I am sorry, Koda. So very sorry. I shouldn’t have ignored you. I didn’t…well I wasn’t thinking. You aren’t the first boy I’ve crossed paths with, so to speak, since…well…I got out.”
I hiccupped a sob, then clamped my lips tightly together.
“Can...can I hug you?”
I think I nodded, or maybe I shook my head. I don’t know. All that came out was another half sob, my body shaking as I fought against the trigger of a full on meltdown.
Slowly, a warm arm snaked around my shoulders, pulling me towards his body. My own went willingly, despite stiffly, with the motion. I kept my eyes closed as tightly as I possibly could.
“I’m so fricken sorry,” Asher whispered. “Fate still forced us to come face to face, and I was stupid to fight it. But that’s how I am anyhow. Fighting against what’s right.”
Slowly, my breathing became easier, my thoughts sluggish, as the pill did its job. I hated it, the feeling of wanting to sleep for days after taking it while in the midst of an attack. Thankfully, that didn't happen too often. And on top of no food, which didn’t help at all.
My body shook, racked by shivers as my tears continued to fall.
Jasper and Asher talked; their voices low but loud enough that I knew both were there. The server, too, came by but all their words went right through my brain as I fought to stay in the present and not let the darkness take over.
“…He always cried there, too.” Asher’s words stuck. “He was the youngest, as far as I know.”
“I’d ask where, but that’s his story to share with me,” Jasper replied. “I’d like to know, though. Whenever Koda’s ready to share.”
“No one wants to share that. I don’t tell people my story, and not because I’m ashamed of what I dealt with. But because they will look at me like I’m something I’m not. Sure, I’m a survivor, but everyone is. Someone survives a car crash. Someone survives a near death experience. Someone survives being sold to another human being. We all have a story, and all survive in a different way.”
“Wasn’t sold….” I managed to get out, a few seconds too late and cut off whatever Jasper was saying. “Given. Prized.”
It didn’t even make sense completely in my mind, but the arms around me squeezed for a second before loosening.
“There’s always a price. Someone pays, someone gets hurt and abused, and so forth,” Asher sighed. “Given is the same thing as sold. Especially with where we were, and who hurt us.”
I grunted, burrowing into his side more. Now that the panic was ebbing away, all I wanted was to know he was, in fact, real.
“Still the same boy as before,” Asher said, halfway letting me crawl into his lap, while also pulling me there like he couldn’t help it.
“I was doubting that you knew him,” Jasper, again.
“Like I said, I was being a dick. I was scared of how he’d react, and if he cried, well, I’d end up right where I was. I couldn’t resist him when we shared a room with ten other boys. I knew I wouldn’t have any luck when fate forced my hand either.”
“You aren’t crying.” Jasper so nicely pointed out.
“Dick. I don’t cry.”
Whatever look Jasper gave Asher, it caused him to laugh lightly in his chest, jostling me in the process.
“You should listen to Noah more often.”
“Yeah. I highly doubt that’ll happen any time soon. But he’ll be thrilled to know about my day.”
“’Orry.” I yawned.
I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s day. I didn’t want to be a problem.
“Oh no, you don’t get to say that word today.” Asher pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “You did nothing wrong. You didn’t make Jasper bring you here. And you certainly didn’t force me to come sit here and freak out while you were freaking out. This is all my fault.”
I shook my head, but didn’t pull away. My eyes were heavy, and I knew sleep was close to the surface if I stayed still too much longer.
“We’ll have to get together soon. Maybe- “
“Don’t think about wanting him to come to our gatherings. He’s been a bit overwhelmed with them twice now. Walking into that was how we meant, actually.” Jasper recalled that memory too fondly for my liking.
“Not my fault you have pretty eyes.” Crap, I wasn’t supposed to say that.
“Oh?” Jasper paused in retelling how Noah had taken charge the last time I went to the coffee shop.
I waved a hand weekly in the air. Could he forget I said that?
“I’m flattered, honey. But my eyes can’t save you from the madness of our get togethers. Noah was more than you could handle.”
“Noah is more than anyone can handle.” Asher huffed. “Just saying. But I love him and can’t see life without him.”
“And Beckett?”
“Great for the both of us,” Asher was slow to say. “Still gets on my nerves, too. But in a different way.”
That caused Jasper to laugh, his sound echoing around the diner.
“Oh, hush.” But Asher didn’t seem too bothered, as he pulled me closer to him. “I should get back to work, though.”
“I didn’t mean for you to take so long. We stole you.”
“Koda stole me.” It was spoken fondly. “It’s a slow afternoon, so it’s okay. And it’s not often I leave the bar area.”
“You're safe zone.”
I squinted up at Asher, coming face to face with him. I noticed a small scar on the bottom of his chin.
“No one can touch me behind the bar. I hate men who get handsy, but I like working here most of the time. My men come by and see me on the busy nights, and to keep an eye on things.”
Sweet , I thought, but couldn’t get the word out.
“I’ll text you later?”
I nodded, but otherwise didn’t move.
“We’ll get together soon. After Christmas?”
“Text me and we’ll work it out,” Jasper took charge.
“And you’re sure you aren’t his daddy?”
“I thought Noah was the one to push such boundaries?” Asher hummed before Jasper went on. “No. We are just friends. He’s…eighteen.”
“Seven years younger than you.”
“Friends. I have a…well ex-girlfriend.”
“See…. perfect match.”
No. We weren’t. My crush was…well not returned. Even in my sleepy mind, I knew Jasper would never see me that way. Even if I really liked his eyes and wanted to trace his tattoos.
“Alright,” Jasper moved, the leather squeaking as he did so. “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s get you home.”
It took a bit of work to get my legs and body to follow Jasper’s helping hand. When I was finally standing, Asher stood in front of me, cupping my face in his hands. It took a lot of effort to keep my eyes open and on him.
“You are stronger than you know. Keep being brave, Koda. You can win the war against the demons in your head.”