Twisted Deceit (Deceit #3)

Chapter 43

A couple of days later, I was back in the kitchen, making a new type of cookie that I had found a recipe for, and finally got the ingredients to give it a try.

I wasn’t sure cake mix would make good cookie dough, but I was giving it a shot. It wasn’t like I had anything to lose.

My motions were slow as I mixed the batter in the bowl. Everything was slow around me, but it was better than the world flashing too fast while I stayed in one spot. It probably didn’t help that I hadn’t been sleeping well for the last few nights, either.

But life went on. It had to.

Just because my world was falling apart, again, my life still moved on, and there were things to do. Money to make.

Who cared that I looked like I rolled out of bed this morning? I couldn’t even remember the last time I took a shower, but I didn’t think I smelt bad, so there was that.

I twisted my head to sniff a pit, making sure I did in fact smell decent. I smelt clean, I think, so I shrugged to myself.

“Did you sleep last night?” Dawn came into the kitchen, a robe wrapped around her and hair a bit messy, just like mine currently was.

Instead of answering that, I stirred the batter a bit quicker. We could say I slept and pretend it was true.

“Koda,” she sighed, laying a hand on my own, pausing my stirring. “This isn’t healthy.”

I stepped back, stirring back in place as she took her hand away.

“You need sleep. And you need food. You’re killing yourself right before my eyes.”

No, I wasn’t , I huffed at my thought. I was working.

“If you don’t start caring about your wellbeing, I will step in.”

I shot her a look, one filled with part dare, one part fear.

What would she do? Order me to eat? She did that already. Make me have more protein shakes, which I started to flat out refusing.

I was fine.

“At least take a nap when you’re done,” she exhaled, grabbing a mug of coffee. “And eat something.”

I didn’t reply. I didn’t these days.Dawn stood there, most likely having a hundred other things to tell me, but instead gave me a sad smile and walked away.

I wiped away a single tear before returning back to my current treats.

I didn’t need a person to tell me what to do. I didn’t need someone fussing over my failure at living.

Getting lost in the second batch of treats, this time rice Krispies with dye, I didn’t bother to react to the doorbell when it rang through the house. I ignored the voices. I paid no heed to Dawn, her voice seeming to be a bit louder than normal when answering the door, but didn’t bother to tune in as I dumped the cereal into the hot pan, and mixing it all together.

I didn’t even bother to glance up from spreading the mixture into a flat baking sheet, making sure it was smooth and even through the entire thing, as Dawn and someone else came into the kitchen.

Dawn’s words went in one ear and out the other as I turned back to the stove, setting the pan on top, and got ready to make a second pan of the overly sweet treats.

As long as I forced breath into my lungs, and kept my thoughts under a strict lock and key, I would – could – pretend that I was alone in the kitchen. I could pretend that I enjoyed life. I could pretend everything was fine. And maybe, then, everything would be perfect in a pretend world.

When a hand, one with tattoos and long fingers, went to grab my arm, to stop my movement, I sidestepped away, going to a different part of the kitchen to grab more marshmallows.

Whatever words were spoken, they were of a different language, not sticking in my brain, as I opened the bag, and dumped them all in the pan.

But that was when my luck ran out. Of course it would, because luck wasn’t on my side.

The person was quicker this time, putting a stop to everything with a single touch.

A warm hand wrapped around my arm, right at my elbow. Instantly, I stopped moving. I may have stopped breathing, as the touch warmed my cold skin. I could feel it spread up and down my entire arm, but I couldn’t move.

“Please, Koda.”

I turned my head farther away, eyes moving everywhere. My mind spun, my heart, despite it being so heavy, thumped away in my chest.

“Would you just –“ he stopped, taking a deep breath. “Listen. Please, little dove.”

My teeth crunched against each other as I finally closed my eyes and drove him away.

Maybe I was so lost in my mind that his touch, his presence and voice, was just a part of my mind trying to give me something of comfort.

But I didn’t deserve comfort. I didn’t deserve happiness.

“I’m so freaking sorry, Koda. So much.”

I refused to hear him. I refused to let him enter my mind in any sort of way.

I put every ounce of energy, every ounce of focus, in just breathing. My lungs didn’t want to work, but I forced them to do so anyway.

I pulled slightly, finding no weakness in the grip on my arm. If anything, Jasper’s hand went up more, instead of down.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for leaving like I did. I’m so sorry for everything.” The last part was broken, like his own emotions were at the surface.

My chin wobbled, but I still didn’t turn.

“Tell me what to do to fix us. Tell me how I can be a friend again.”

I sniffed, pulling again to try to get free.

There was nothing he could do. He wasn’t anything to me. He never was.

His grip didn’t loosen, if anything it tightened a tad.

Jasper moved closer, one step at a time, putting him right beside me. So close his warmth seeped into me, calling to me.

Why? Why was he so persistent? Why couldn’t he just let me go, and forget about me like I had been doing?

“Talk to me, little dove. Tell me what I can do to fix things. I hate seeing you like this, so sad and depressed that you aren’t eating. You aren’t sleeping. You won’t look at me, and you're hurting Dawn.”

Did he really want to know the reasons? Did he really want to know the pain he caused me?

“I’m not going to leave you alone until you talk to me, Koda. I’ll keep showing up. I’ll keep bugging you until the day you give in. Tell me what’s wrong, so I can try to fix it. Tell Dawn, someone. Anyone.”

As he continued to talk, anger grew in my chest. So much so, I grabbed onto it with both hands. I held it tightly, letting it fuel power with each passing second.

Anger was good. It was better than letting the darkness take me, like it so often did.

“I know you, Koda. You can’t keep living like this. Barely living, yet you put on a show for everyone to make them think you’re perfectly fine. You aren’t. I see the cracks in those walls you put up. And it’s time to let that wall crash.

“I’ll catch you.”

Pulling again, this time with as much force as I had in me, Jasper let me go. Not expecting that, I ran into the counter, the edge digging into my side, right below my ribs. But I’d take that pain over the one that felt like my heart was about to explode.

“Koda…”

“Don’t,” I huffed, half cried, holding my side with one hand and the other up towards him, like that’d actually stop him from coming closer. “Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Just go fuck off.”

“I can’t do that.” Stupid man. He took a step closer, slowly as though I were about to run off. “Not until I can find a way to help fix-“

“I’m not broken!” I yelled, my voice rising too high pitched.

“Okay, little dove.” He didn’t argue, but took another step closer. “But you’re sad. Angry.”

Of course I was!

“I hate you.” Tears fell as I stood at my full height. “I hate you.”

“Okay.”

Was he not really going to tell me that I had nothing to hate him for? Was he just going to take another step closer to me?

“You left!” Once I found my words, there was nothing I could do to get them to stop. My voice went from high, to low, to emotionless all in a matter of seconds. “You left. You never wanted me. Not as a friend. Not as anything. I know I’m just the kid you happen to feel nothing to. Probably felt sorry for me or something. I was nothing, am nothing. Don’t waste your time on me anymore. I’ll be gone soon enough. So go away and fuck off .”

“I’m not going to do that,” he repeated. “I didn’t mean to hurt you by leaving. I was scared of my own emotions, and you were – are- healing. Then Grams died, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I know I messed up, Koda. I know that.”

“You left.” My throat clogged up, and I tried to hold on to that anger that was slowly swimming away.

“I left you without a word. I hurt you.”

“I hate you.” A sob broke forth before I could try to stop it. Jasper was quick, wrapping his arms around me. “I hate you. I hate you. I fucking hate you.”Weakly, I pounded my fists against his chest, but it did absolutely nothing to him. I wanted him to feel the pain I’d felt for two long years. I wanted him to feel like his heart wasn’t his.

“I hate me, too, little dove.”

I hiccupped a sob, not sure if I wanted to burrow more into him, or push him away and keep living a worthless life.

My legs collapsed, no longer able to hold my weight as my fight officially gave out.

I couldn’t fight him. My heart couldn’t take more hurt. My head couldn’t take more confusion.

“I got you, little dove. I won’t be going anywhere.”

Jasper picked me up easily, as if I weighed nothing, and my own body wrapped around him. Legs around his hips, arms around his neck and nose pressed against his shoulder.

At that moment, I didn’t care where he took me. He could take me and kill me somewhere, hiding my body in the woods for all I cared. As long as he didn’t let me go until I was no longer breathing.

“I hate you,” I whimpered as he sat down on a couch, keeping me tight against his front.

He didn’t say anything, only squeezed his arms tighter around my back, holding me as tight as he dared.

I gave another sob as something soft was placed over my back. Jasper easily maneuvered the piece of cloth over me, caging me in once more. Then, another hand was on my back, rubbing up and down.

“Holler if you need anything,” Dawn whispered, taking away her touch.

“Of course,” Jasper muttered before pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “Oh, little dove. Let it all out.”

The tears weren’t going to stop anytime soon. Every so often, a sob bubbled forth, wracking my entire body.

But through it all, Jasper held me. He mumbled soft words and promises. He whispered praises that I didn’t deserve.