We Never Kissed

Chapter 37

Alex

My pulse quickened at the sight of my mother standing in front of me. Yes, I had seen her for a brief moment in Vegas when Ava and I were there, but I was so angry and caught off guard then. I hadn’t had a chance to take in her appearance. She looked older, of course, wrinkles around her eyes and mouth, but her hair was dyed blond, so I didn’t know if she would be showing gray yet.

We stared at each other for a few beats, and then my mother stuttered out, “Alex… What are you… I— Would you like to come in?” She opened the door wider and wait ed.

I stepped inside, saying as I passed her, “I’m sorry I didn’t call first.”

It seemed the right response when showing up unannounced, but it felt awkward to be so formal with the woman who gave birth to me.

Her house was small and an older model, probably twenty-five to thirty years old. But I could see it was nicely decorated as I guardedly swept my eyes around the room. My heart stuttered against my ribs when I saw a mantel full of pictures of me, some she could have only gotten from Ava or off the internet, but they were displayed like any other family’s portraits.

Behind me, she said, “Why don’t we sit out back?”

I glanced over my shoulder and watched as she moved into the kitchen area. I stayed in place, suddenly worried this might have been a mistake.

Almost as if she sensed it, she stopped and turned to me, her expression mirroring my feelings. Then, she lifted her mouth into a smile and said, “Can I get you something to drink? I have some fresh tea in the fridge.”

I drew in a breath of courage and replied, “That sounds good.”

From a distance I watched her go to the fridge and open the door, a quick flash of memory coming to mind of her getting my snack after school.

As she pulled out glasses and then poured the tea, I took a few steps closer.

When she was done, she led me to the back patio, and we each took a seat at a white plastic table with matching chairs that had what appeared to be homemade cushions.

“How are you doing?” she said timidly.

The thought of her skimming the family’s socials and the fact that Ava was feeding her information popped into my head. “Pretty good, but then you already knew that, right?” When her face fell, I picked up my tea and said, “I’m sorry.”

“Please, don’t apologize. Yes, I’ve seen pictures of you online, but seeing information and images on social media doesn’t really give a clear picture of someone’s life.”

“But you had more than that…”

She knew I was talking about Ava. “The last couple years, yes. But honestly, our contact was minimal.” She paused, then added, “I was so glad to hear that you and Ava are seeing each other, though.” She grinned as if trying to tempt me into another direction. “She’s such a kind and lovely young woman.”

“We’re not together.”

Her eyes narrowed as confusion set in. “Oh… I’m sorry.”

I shouldn’t have blurted that out, and as I sat there and watched the woman who was basically a stranger to me, I realized I did it out of spite. “I don’t really want to talk about it. It wasn’t why I came.”

Realization seemed to dawn on her, and her eyes fell to her lap. “I am so sorry. It seems as though whether I am in your life or not, I’m ruining things for you. For what it’s worth, I practically begged her not to tell you.”

We were both quiet for a few minutes, and I was beginning to regret doing this. But how could I just get up and walk away?

“Why did you come?” she finally said.

I sighed. “I don’t really know. I guess I got tired of running, so to speak.”

Nodding, she said, “I want you to know that I never wanted to leave you. I just knew it was better if I wasn’t in your life.”

“So, you chose to leave?”

“Of course not.” Pain took over her expression. “I would’ve done anything to make it up to you”—my breathing labored as I thought about the accident and could see she was doing the same—“to be a better mother, the kind of mother you deserved, but your father…he gave me no choice. Either way I wouldn’t be with you. It was either jail or leave on my own.”

As the years went by, I thought less and less of my mother, but as I sat there listening to her, I was surprised that instead of anger, I felt sorry for her. After all, I lived most of my life with loving people around me, including a woman who was like a mother to me. Before I could say anything, she spoke again.

“Don’t get me wrong, my actions were my own, but your father isn’t innocent in all this, and that’s all I’m going to say on that matter.”

I cocked my head, my jaw clenching at the mention of my father. “No. I don’t know why I came here, but now that I am here, I would like some answers. If I’m ever going to move on from this, I need to know everything.”

She took her gaze from me, stared out to her small yard. “I… I don’t feel right talking about a man when he’s no longer with us to defend himself.”

“If you speak the truth, then there’s nothing to defend. Please, I need to know. I need to know everything.”

She turned back to me then, her gaze connecting with mine. The pain I saw there was real and deeply rooted. “I was an addict when I met your father. I was an addict when we got married. And I was still an addict when we had you.” She shook her head. “But I swear to God, I was clean when I was pregnant with you, not even a drink. You were the only thing that mattered to me.” She drew in a deep breath. “Then I had postpartum depression, and…your father didn’t seem to want to acknowledge that. He deemed me going through withdrawal, which could have been partially true, but what did that matter?” She was on th e verge of tears. “You know how controlling he was. The expectations he had for me as a mother, as a wife. The pressure got to me, and I relapsed.”

Without realizing it, I blurted, “I’m sorry.” Maybe part of me felt my existence caused her ultimate downfall.

Reaching out, she touched my hand on the table. “You were such a good little boy, Alex. I tried. I really did. And I would have weeks and months of sobriety and then…something would happen with your father, and I’d slip.”

“Something?” I feared the worst, like there was something she wasn’t saying. “Please, I have to know.”

“Look, I know I wasn’t the best wife. I was a burden to your dad.”

“What did he do?” My anger bubbled to the surface, and in front of me I saw the woman who begged me to run from that accident, who wanted to save me. “Did he hurt you?”

She shook her head. “No, nothing like that. He… He wasn’t happy with me so…he found his happiness elsewhere, with other women.”

My heart broke for her, this woman who had made mistakes but also fell victim to my father. “I had no idea. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” She sighed and sipped her drink, as if she were trying to wash away the grief. “The day of the accident, he told me he was going to take you from me, and I guess I just snapped. I was stupid and reckless, and I’ll regret my actions for the rest of my life.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know what to say except, thank you for telling me.”

We were quiet for a short time when she said, “I understand if this was all you came for, Alex, but I want you to know not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you…that I haven’t prayed to God you were all right, happy. I love you, Son, whether you want to hear that or not.”

I was speechless, my heart strained, my pulse racing in my veins, and I longed to reach out to my mom and be that little boy from so long ago, before it all turned horrible. My silence must have triggered her because she rose abruptly.

“I guess you want to go now.”

When she started for the door, I stood. “Mom, wait.”

Her back to me, she froze. When she turned slowly to face me, her eyes were filled with tears. “Yes?”

“I don’t want to go. I’d like to spend some more time with you, if that’s all right.”

She smiled and walked back over.

We stood face to face, and after a few beats, we both pulled each other in. My mother held me like she never wanted to let me go, and as emotion clogged my throat, I held her just as tightly.